How do I set boundaries with my son's new girlfriend?

[Vidka]

Hi there ,
I need some advice, my son has a new girlfriend and they have been dating officially 2 months and got to no each other a month prior before my son asked her out. His prior girlfriend they dated for 11 months , and we had issues with her , she was passive aggressive towards me , over stepped the mark, and my son started changing, I tried everything with her and we welcomed her and I went out of our way I understand she had issues , but it made out family dynamics out of wack
Fast Forward, he has another girlfriend he waited all of 3 weeks, before he started talking to his new girlfriend, we asked him to please get to no her , on the outside first, before you bring her home... And he didn't listen of course 😏 the same cycle is happening again
She is extremely out spoken , passive aggressive and likes to over step her mark in our family business, I am extremely stressed about it there is a lot more to it, I have spoken to my son but he is being immature about it, I am scared to address it with her , because of want my son will say, my son blames me for his last break up
Because after 6 months , I had a chat with his ex and said we really do like you, and love having you here , but I had to put boundaries in place it is happening again, but this time there are a lot of concerning behaviour with his new girlfriend and what she says , is also a little alarming
It has placed distance between my son and I and we are always arguing about it.
Any advice would be great. I am thinking of having a chat with her as I feel I need to set some boundaries in my home.

Holy fuck. No idea how it got to this.
I don’t think having one wanky sit down boundary session is going to work. Just call and action anything if and as it arises at the time, and on the spot. Your son has no say, so that’s immaterial.

Just for the dog comment alone, I would have had her outside the door in seconds, not to return. Why would you wait until your son got back in the room, and tell him, as though it’s for him to manage? Bizarre.

Also no idea about you thinking you can go over and talk to her parents. She is 18yo, her parents have nothing to do with this, don’t bother them. You manage this yourself.

You 100% need to set boundaries. With your son and his gf. I wouldn’t have a child (adult child included) yelling at me in my own home. This young lady needs to learn some respect, and butt out. If she asks to come somewhere with you, say no.

She wouldn’t be setting foot in my home again for threatening my dog. That’s a step too far, who does she think she is?

I agree a boundary conversation won't work. You don't need to talk about boundaries, you need to set them, moment to moment. Which you have been already to some extent, by refusing to discuss the ex or money with her.

Tell your son that it's too much, too soon, and she's not to stay overnight for a while.

Tell your husband he needs to grow a spine and not let people threaten his dog.

If she's over and makes a dumb comment like listening to peers not parents, just say something like 'Yes, most teenagers listen to their friends rather than parents, but as long as your parents are housing you, they do get some say!'

If she asks nosy questions about the ex or money, just say 'Why do you ask?" Respond to questions with questions. She doesn't sound like she will get the hint but treat it as a game with yourself, to see how long she keeps persisting.

You're over involved and taking things the wrong way. 1 girlfriend like that, yes ok fair enough. 2 girlfriends like it , highly unlikely the issue is them, you're the problem. You sound insufferable and probably mother your son to death. Cut the apron string

Don't let her come into your house problem solved. Explain to your son why. Until she can be respectful she stays away.

Read the updates before making unhelpful comments like this.

The girlfriend sounds obnoxious.

She wouldn’t set foot in my home again

I have read the update, two girlfriends one after another are "passive aggressive". How likely is that? Come on. We don't know anything is true in the updates do we. Its very unlikely the op has been unfortunate enough for her aon to have picked two girlfriends like that.

This. She would have been out that very second.

Job done.

Bar her from now.

Yes, you boot her out then and there because - boundaries.

After a while, your son will see it too and find a decent gf, not this vile creature.

This is very easily solved.

“If you raise your voice at me again or threaten my dog ever again you won’t be stepping foot in here again. Thanks.”

There are a lot of these threads lately.

For many people, threatening the family dog with physical violence would have meant a ban from the house. A guest of one family member going into the bedrooms of random household members (places that are clearly not common areas nor the bedroom of the son she's seeing) and then admitting she was snooping would be an automatic "no" for a lot of people too. Has she at least not repeated these since told to stop the first time?

With the overly personal comments, all you can do is tell her you won't discuss these matters and ignore her if she brings them up again. Your son seems aware that she's overstepping so he needs to be telling her consistently as well, and maybe reconsidering what he shares with her since it's such a new relationship (and she seems ill prepared for a serious relationship). For the family business, I'd just remind your son that confidentiality and discretion are important when running a business and that internal details are only shared with people IN the business (don't say "only family" or you'll open the door to his saying she IS his family and so on). Then don't talk about these things in front of her, even if that means going into another room and closing the door or telling her she can't be there during work hours or whatever. You'll need your husband on board for this; I'm not sure why he is being so useless but he needs to get over it and parent his kid.

Once is unfortunate. Twice is the start of a pattern, so there's more here than the behaviour of the women. I'd be wondering what was attracting my son to these rude, aggressive young women who speak for him and disrespect his family. So my conversation would be with him "Do you think its OK that GF said what she did to the dog? Is there a reason why you let GF speak for you?" Etc
Get his perspective on their behaviour and note what it reveals about him. His dating pool, what he thinks is OK in a relationship and why.
Does he welcome them speaking for him for some reason? Does he feel their comments are justified and they're saying what he'd like to? If he doesn't like the behaviour, then why is he allowing it? Does he lack confidence? Is he vulnerable? Does he have a limited dating pool?
Because right now, you can solve this by setting boundaries. It's your home, you hold the cards. But one day, when your son marries and has a family, that power balance flips, and you'll all be dancing to your DiLs tune. If he's making unhealthy choices for himself and getting with unpleasant, aggressive and controlling women, then that bodes badly for you all.

A discussion about boundaries might work with some who wants to respect boundaries but don't know what they are. She doesn't give a fuck about boundaries, yours or anyone elses. You are completely wasting your time trying to reason with her, she is clearly a very unpleasant character. All you can do is say to your son that he can be in a relationship with her if he wants to, but it needs to be outside of your home, She can not come over anymore. What she has already done is bad enough that she shouldn't be given anymore chances, especially she has threatened to be violent towards your dog.

That girl would not be setting foot in my house again. Son needs to be told that she is not welcome.

With all due respect, if you communicate verbally with her the way you communicate in writing, it's no surprise the message isn't getting across.

It does sound like you don't handle things well as they happen and then deliver a big lecture after you've spent some time being upset.

I don't think a one off conversation about boundaries is going to be all that effective. It's more likely to turn into an argument or stand off.
You need to address each instance of overstepping as it arises.
It doesn't need to be a big thing, in fact it is better that it isn't. You just make it clear, calmly and briefly, that you won't tolerate the comment or behaviour or entertain her question in that moment.

Don't threaten to speak to her parents. She isn't a child.

As an aside, it sounds like your son and dh could also do with learning how to assert boundaries effectively.

Perhaps it's just me, but at 19, I wouldn't have brought a lad home after 2 months of dating! I'd have wanted to see how the relationship panned out, before getting to the stage of bringing him home to meet my parents!! Your son should be out, the majority of the time, with his girlfriend. Is he going to bring every girl he dates home within weeks of meeting her???? You could end up meeting a lot of women!!! Or is this simply so he can have sex in the comfort of his own room???

You need to set boundaries. If you're happy for his girlfriend to stay overnight, then say to him it's Friday/Saturday nights only. If she comes over during the week, then she goes home at night. It's your home, that you pay for. Even if your son contributes financially, the majority is on you. If he doesn't like the boundaries, then maybe he needs to move out!

It sounds as if he needs some education on what constitutes a healthy relationship too.

When did parents become such wet lettuces? The first time this horror threatened to assault my dog she would be on her arse on the other side of the front door. Grow a pair and tell your son to do the same

I think the opposite. People are often drawn to similar types of people. So the OP’s people-pleasing, trying to be the good cop DH may have produced a son who isn’t great at setting boundaries and therefore is attractive to/attracted to domineering girlfriends.

I’m not sure passive aggressive is the right terminology for this girl’s behaviour. She sounds more intrusive and rude with bullying tendencies.

Trust your gut OP and set clear boundaries with your son that he can learn to set with this and any future girlfriends. I wouldn’t fall out with the girlfriend or ban her from the house as that might backfire but I wouldn’t have her hanging around all day or dictating to me how to behave in my own house.

If you struggle with this you might want to book a couple of sessions with a therapist. They’re usually very good at helping with this kind of issue and you can learn some strategies to deal with them. I like the PPs idea of answering intrusive questions with a question.

She would have been marched out the house and not allowed back in, if she had said that to my dog , OP. Sounds a wrong one !

There is some other dark thing she has said and I said to my son, if that behaviour still happens on what she is saying, I will be heading over to chat to her parents.

Please don't do this. She is 19. You tell your son she's no longer welcome in your home. He can tell her that her tone and style has pissed you off and she now can't come over. They can socialise at her house or go out to meet.

Kinda agree...

He's a teenager. You are the boss.

Just say he needs to meet her out or at hers goung forward...you and dh dont want regular visitors and she doesnt get along with the dog.

Dont give her headspace