How do I set boundaries with my son's new girlfriend?

[Vidka]

Hi there ,
I need some advice, my son has a new girlfriend and they have been dating officially 2 months and got to no each other a month prior before my son asked her out. His prior girlfriend they dated for 11 months , and we had issues with her , she was passive aggressive towards me , over stepped the mark, and my son started changing, I tried everything with her and we welcomed her and I went out of our way I understand she had issues , but it made out family dynamics out of wack
Fast Forward, he has another girlfriend he waited all of 3 weeks, before he started talking to his new girlfriend, we asked him to please get to no her , on the outside first, before you bring her home... And he didn't listen of course 😏 the same cycle is happening again
She is extremely out spoken , passive aggressive and likes to over step her mark in our family business, I am extremely stressed about it there is a lot more to it, I have spoken to my son but he is being immature about it, I am scared to address it with her , because of want my son will say, my son blames me for his last break up
Because after 6 months , I had a chat with his ex and said we really do like you, and love having you here , but I had to put boundaries in place it is happening again, but this time there are a lot of concerning behaviour with his new girlfriend and what she says , is also a little alarming
It has placed distance between my son and I and we are always arguing about it.
Any advice would be great. I am thinking of having a chat with her as I feel I need to set some boundaries in my home.

I did pull her up, I said that behaviour will not be tolerated in my home

He certainly has a type.
Sorry, if anyone threatened to kick my dog in the face that would be the end of them entering my home. It's not passive aggressive, it's just plain old aggressive from her.
I wouldn't care if my own child threw a tantrum over it, my house, my rules and that applies to any other bad behaviour in my own home.

Are they at college or work?

No you are completely right, my issue is I am allowing my son to have also complete control over me, if I try and talk to him about her behaviour he starts yelling at me , and said you have told me so many times , ok ok then raises his voice because he doesn't want to deal with it
There is no support from the hubbie , there is the issue... He sits back and likes to play good cop she is coming over tonight, and I need to have a chat with her , and set boundires.

If you don’t tolerate the behaviour in your home, what happens next. What is stopping you from preventing this 18 year old coming into your house? It sounds really toxic and upsetting for you.

It is , very toxic and upsetting.. I have my self to blame , I am allowing it because I don't want to upset my son , crazy yeah but I have had enough now, he has not helped the cause
He did have a talk to her last weekend, on one thing as I was upset with , I am heading in for a procedure this Friday, and he told her it is to check for cancer .... And she said to me why did I tell my son for I should have just told my husband only , so he said to her did U say that to my mum, she said yes , then he said stay out of things

It’s your house. She sounds rude and cheeky, disrespectful and lacking in basic courtesy. Tell them both together that in future there is to be no staying overnight. She can come over sometimes for a couple of hours but that’s it. Tell them both you and your husband need space in your own home. That comment about the dog would have her permanently uninvited if it were me.

OP please will you quote people when you're posting.
Just click on the word QUOTE which is on the left, underneath every post.

Thank you.

What would happen if your son is upset? You are upset ffs
you have enough on your plate. Your son needs to to have a word with himself

I wouldn't let anyone in my house who threatened one of my pets.
Does your son know that his GF said that about your dog?

Btw I don’t think you are to blame. But you likely need to learn assertive boundaries. Not everyone is born with this, but it’s something you can learn. You are allowed to to protect your own home and sanctuary.

Also, don’t your son and his girlfriend work?

Both of them, sound unpleasant and entitled. The girlfriend appears to have no idea how to behave in someone else’s home, she needs to know ‎[it’s a privilege to be at yours not a right. She doesn’t like it, there’s the door! Your son appears not a lot better in what he expects you to tolerate.

If the their joint behaviours are causing major stress atm, just imagine without boundaries how things could go if she moves in!

You need to speak to her at the time the behaviour happens - eg-—

• don’t raise your voice when you are speaking to me, especially bot is my home

-don’t speak to my dog like tha at-if you do it again you will not be welcome in my home -re cancer scare- that’s not any of your business -no sorry you can’t come

You are far too involved with her- she’s not your child, so don’t allow her to assume a familial relationship. Tell your son she isn’t allowed to be in the house when he is not there.
Boundaries are not something you do/talk about one day they are what you allow day by day.
She is a new girlfriend- stop being so involved with her, especially this early on.

I would have told her to fuck off for herself the first time she disrespected me.

I'd tell her to fuck off out of my house.

Next thing she'll be pregnant.

His house.."you pay for it itsyour house" is the mantra of a pathetic person, never mind parent

You are way too involved in his relationship. Tell him from now on if she stays she leaves after breakfast. She only stays in his room or a room they are both in and she stays out of family business, and if he can’t control her you will.
to her you need to say I’m sorry but this is my house and you are only in it because of my son inviting you, and if you can not show respect to the people who live here then you are not welcome, so please do not speak to me like you are. Walk away do not look at her but give your son the look as you walk out, that means business.

Even my young kids know that if they have friends over who are rude and disrespectful, the friends aren’t invited around again. I’m sure your adult son can understand that.

Just give them some space when they are at yours, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

Your home
Your dog
Your rules
One comment from you leads me to think you’re being intrusive into your son’s life.
Another comment leads me to believe that this young woman has attachment issues.
Still another comment leads me to believe she’s violent towards animals.

I would NEVER allow an 18yrold stranger to spend the night in my home.
I would NEVER allow ANYONE back in my home after they threatened to harm my dog. That’s absolute.
I would have laid down the law YEARS PRIOR to my son turning 19, thus preventing headaches like this.
However, there’s no time like the present. Gather yourself up, make a list of house rules and a list of punishments for infractions, and give a copy to every family member.
And hang tough - for your own peace. And I do so hope you can find it. ❤️
And please give your dog a few pets for me.

You need to read "hold on to your kids"

Oh and ban her from the house with immediate effect, it is a risk but you need a space where she isn't, in order to reconnect with your DS.

Your son’s girlfriend doesn’t need to be in your house this much. She doesn’t need to be there overnight after they haven’t been dating very long. Stop letting him treat your house like he lives with a bunch of other teenagers.

Perhaps it's time for your son to get his own flat?

You sound over involved in your sons life , be careful you aren't making an unnecessary competition between you . She has different opinions to you which she is perfectly entitled to have. When she says anything you don't agree with , just gloss over it , agree to disagree

Have you read the OP's updates?