8 years as a mum - still not a fan

[addictedtotheifonly]

Really struggling here 😢 My beautiful daughter is 8 and I love her more than I ever knew I could love another human. But I absolutely hate being a mum. I don’t even know how it’s possible to love someone so much but feel so much resentment for what your life has become.

I hate the responsibility of regulating someone else’s emotions.
I hate having to make small talk with other parents at school - the dullest people I’ve ever met.
I despise the birthday parties.
I fucking hate playing - with a passion.
I detest making packed lunches at 10pm when you’re lying in bed and it suddenly dawns on you that she needs a packed lunch tomorrow.

I hate hate HATE being ripped from my peaceful sleep before my alarm is set.
Having to pay four times my monthly
mortgage for holidays abroad during school holidays boils my fucking piss.

The fact that my kiddo is off school for 13 fucking bastard weeks of the year and yet I get 5 weeks of annual leave makes me want to scream.
Spending hundreds of pounds a month on different co-curricular and extra-curricular clubs and after school care.
The RELENTLESS emails from the school of various “bring a pound” or “bring fifty pence” or “wear yellow for some stupid fucking reason” days.
The tiredness.
THE FUCKING PARK.

I hate every single bit of it.

But I love my daughter too much to simply disappear like a fart in the wind. So here I am, wondering if anyone else feels like I do.
Oh, and if you clutch your fucking pearls and warm up your judgy fingers just to tell me I’m an awful person then go the fuck ahead - I don’t care anymore.

Ha, mine is five and I'm totally with you, was hoping it will get better. Love her to bits but don't enjoy it, at all.

Where’s her other parent?

I get it. Oh the imaginary play…. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.

Totally get it.

But at 8 a lot of these should be on their way out or will be in a couple of years.

She shouldn’t be waking you up in the mornings any more, can’t she entertain herself till you get up?

Does she really need you to play with her, she’s 8 not 4? Have a friend round instead or tell her to play by herself. (maybe I am a mean mum but needs must, I hate playing).

Birthday parties should be drop off by now? So yes there is the PITA of organising your own child’s party, but in return she is hopefully invited to lots of others and you get 2hrs child free time each time.

Park - mine was no longer interested in playgrounds by 9. So not long to go

School parents- I can’t believe every single one is dull? Anyway no need to make small talk really.

Rest of it, no way round really…

Is it just you and her? Are you separated from her dad? I'm assuming she has no siblings?

I can totally understand how this would be so draining in a set up with just the two of you.

Some things you have said resonate with me. But I think some parents can enjoy parenthood better because they simply opt out of things. At 8, surely she can understand not to come waking you up before your alarm has gone off? I avoid making small talk woth parents by timing the drop off so I am there as the bell goes.

I'm rambling with no clear structure. In short, I feel you, but in some aspects, maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself and/or it's incredibly hard seeing as you appear to have no "village".

I think it's pretty normal and common but as a subject makes people uncomfortable so they tend to try to push it to the corner of things.

You are not alone! I am the only child free person in my friendship group and I seem to be the person they all admit the “guilty secret” to. ALL of them have felt like this at points over the years. It seems to improve when they are around 12?

@addictedtotheifonly do you have someone to share the load with IfOnly? (Sounds like you do not).

Op you are not alone I love my DC but life as a parent can be difficult. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I hate role play, I still did it for many years but now mine are older I find we can do more things we mutually enjoy. I don’t talk to other school parents beyond a polite good morning, I no longer feel the need to send £1 in for every occasion especially when I’m so busy counting the £’s on my weekly shop. At 8 you can set some ground rules about waking you up in the morning too.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

@addictedtotheifonly I'm a mum to two lads 18 and 21. Today I found myself thinking I can't wait till you move out!!! Most of the time its okay but lately....sigh. sending hugs and solidarity x 🫂💐🌹❣️

It frustrates me no end that this never enters into the "why is the birth rate dropping???" conversation. Some people love being parents but loads don't and while not everyone can tell which they will be before it happens I think many can and we should all be confident in listening to our own guts. I dont personally think there's an age where children "pay off" (I know that paying off isn't the point of children, they quite literally didn't ask to be born and owe us nothing).

I don’t think you are an awful person op but a lot of these things you say shouldn’t be having a massive impact on you now that she is 8.
What time does she get you up at, and what time would you like to sleep in to? Surely she could read in bed until you got up.
Do you not now just drop her off at parties?
Why do you have to play with her constantly. She should be able to play independently by now.
These are all things that should have made your life easier.
With regards to the amount of holidays and the cost surely this didn’t come as a surprise to you in order for you to resent it so much?

Lower the parenting standards that you trying to match??

She doesn't need extra curriculars, hours of playing etc

It's okay to just let them be

The lunches you have to do though

Mine is still only little (not quite 2) and yeah, love the child and seeing him develop, but not the rest. The juggling, the lack of sleep, the absolute fundamental destruction of my body and sanity. Yeah. All worth it one day apparently?

Yep. I feel you OP. Nothing much more to add, just solidarity x

just came to say it is really, really hard so don’t beat yourself up!

Just a tip I learnt recently that may solve one problem which is that you can freeze sandwiches all made up. I make a week’s worth of ham and cheese sandwiches for each child, wrap in foil and they keep the lunchbox cold. I’m sure they aren’t great but my kids do eat them still and they can be fussy- won’t touch my delicious beef bourgignon but will have a defrosted sandwich. It does make the lunches easier.

No judgement here but as others have mentioned you might have to lower your parenting standards if you are doing all the things you mention. It’s not necessary.

Parties - surely you can drop and go now?

No need to make small talk with other parents. I time the school drop off so I arrive just as classroom door opens. I have headphones on and sunglasses so no fucker talks to me.

You don’t need to constantly play with an 8 year old. I played board games with mine at that age but all of the pretend play stuff was just tedious so I left them to it. They are both fine.

The cost of after school care you just have to suck up for now. Reduce the extra curricular activities.

Ignore the “bring 50p and dress up” emails from school. Honestly just disregard them. Or if your DD will feel left out, buy kids costumes from Vinted for the dress up days. But no need to bake cakes, send in endless amounts of money etc. No-one cares.

It sounds like most of the things you dislike will be resolved in the next couple of years. Secondary school requires no interaction with other parents. Parties and social events are organised between the kids themselves. They don't need supervision when they get up and sleep in later. They don't really play and don't go to the park. Most older kids (except mine) can make their own packed lunch or you stick some money on their school account and let them choose their own (chips). You don't need after-school care and often they lose interest in their extra curricular activities as they get older. School holidays you will be stuck with for a few more years (although I'm a teacher and stick with them until I retire so at least you only have a few more years).

Having said all that, I have found the teenage years the worst and look back on 8 as the golden age!

4 kids here, love them all unconditionally and completely.

Currently hating parenting my 14 year old son the most. Wondering what the fuck we were thinking, having four of them!!

@addictedtotheifonly parenting is hard, hard work. I think we all love our children dearly and if every god-damn thing they need from us on a daily basis were removed from our role, then parenting would be great! But this is not the case.

OP, I’ve discovered so far, during my 17 years of parenting, that the quantity of their daily needs never decreases, they just dramatically change throughout the years!

I’m fortunate that my teenagers are actually fairly lovely and do not cause me any grief at all, however I feel anchored to my home serving to their needs so that they can flourish. I hate to admit it but I’m counting down the time to when they have both finished Uni and are fully fledged adults so I can say - guilt-free - ‘do it yourself!’

Parenting is a long, hard, slog! And expensive!

It seems to improve when they are around 12?

Ha! The hell it does…that’s when all the real problems start!

Great user name … TTPD?
I think the teenage years are definitely not easy and parenting, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant you never ever will be able to not worry again, about everything , it is exhausting the emotional part and that’s even when you’re finding it easy

I’m the same child free confident.

I seem to have so many friends now though who have different issues with older kids when they thought it might be easier.

One friend who has a child battling with their gender identity, one with extreme anxiety who won’t leave the house, a couple of kids who just won’t look for work after finishing school and spend all day asleep and all night.
I know a lot of people with neurodivergent kids (not surprising as I’m also ND and the parents are as well -or suspected and we are usually attracted to each other) and I’m in awe of how they cope.

The parents whose kids seem to be doing ok still moan about the expense and worry and more then one friend has said if they had known the world would be in the state it was in then they wouldn’t have had children.

I thought I wanted children when I was in my early twenties but when my friends started having babies and wrangling with toddlers I realised it wasn’t something I’d be able to handle.
I think parents are amazing and must have super human strength just to get through the toddler years alone!

Hang in there. Quite a lot of what you hate ends with the end of primary school. I hated having to make small talk with other parents and also birthday parties, but once they’re done with primary school, it’s all over (in fact surely you are not still accompanying an 8 year old to birthday parties?). She’ll be able to make her own packed lunches as she gets older. After school care won’t be needed, although it won’t necessarily be the end of extracurricular activities.

For me the problem is that you feel this is wrong, when actually the way you are feeling is very right...

Parenting isn't and never was something that you were meant to enjoy, or be a "fan" of. Historically, and in many places around the world it is/was a practical choice out of necessity that women (and men) made because they had no choice. Not because they thought "Oh won't this be fun!"

In truth, the vast majority of people do not, and will never find parenting to (overall) be fun. And that is perfectly ok, and should be said to every single person who wants to try for a baby. It isn't about having fun, never was, never will be... except for a very small minority who enjoy it basically like they anyone enjoys any hobby or interest.

I don't blame new parents though because it is how we are sold on it - we are lead to believe it is this life-changing fun, enjoyable, brilliant thing, from all the parent blogs/social media posts etc. So then of course you would feel like you aren't normal when you discover the reality of it.

The historical and societal truth is that has never been something that we should do for fun/happiness, instead it is more like a job or a responsibility - You had kids to secure your own future, and the future of your tribe/society/nation. We don't say this any more, but it is still true on a societal level. If we don't have kids, there will be no economy to support us, no one to care for us when we age, no one to hopefully make the world better etc. Society just ends. So just like a job, have kids.

So think of it like that. You have a job, that will take you 18+ years, and if you do it well, hopefully you have created a person that contributes to your family and society, in a way that you will need for the 30+ years you are "old".

Once you forget the idea that you are meant to find it fun, you can hopefully accept the situation as a normal thing, and not feel bad strange about it.