DH didn’t realise being a parent could be so hard

[Unintentionallycausingoffence]

DH has said he didn’t think being a parent would be so hard and he wouldn’t get much time for himself. DS has ASC which comes with its challenges for all of us. Does anyone else feel like this about being a DP?

I think it’s completely normal to find it a shock and hard, yes (though I’m aware not everybody finds it extremely difficult). I thought the first six weeks were brutal and the first six months pretty extreme.

How is he doing? Is he saying this in a ‘wow it’s a bit much’ way or a ‘I’m on the edge of walking out’ way?

Yes, I was utterly naive. If I’d known then what I know now, I’m not sure I would have had children - but that obviously doesn’t mean I regret being a mum, there are parts of it I adore. And I’m really enjoying getting to know who my children are becoming as they age. I wouldn’t be without them now.

But no, I had no idea how hard it would be and how I would be mentally and physically affected permanently (I knew pregnancy and birth would be rough, but not that even though my eldest is now almost 10 existing in my body still feels like I’m living away from home) One of my 2 children is also SEN and both have health conditions, so I am aware that it is harder for us than some parents - but tbh it’s parenting overall that I find hard, not just the bits specific to us.

Not me personally but my ex husband left because he found it too hard when our second child ended up being Twins - albeit now they are a few years older he is back sniffing around now I’ve done all the hard work 🙄

I think men typically have less idea of what to expect than women. I'm also not sure they are as adaptable. Perhaps women's hormone changes play a role in helping them cope?

If it's still early stages I would try and help him to realise it won't be like it forever. Is he on paternity leave or back at work? Trying to fit in things he likes around the baby might help. E.g seeing his family/friends or having the rugby on in the background and going for a pub lunch etc.

Is the dad ASD too? Depends on the age of the child. Situation too. In school or not. If you have a good cash flow to either buy help (even if it’s just a cleaner) or if you have family help around will make a massive difference compared to yourself being in a small family bubble. A special needs child is very difficult even with an exceptional EHCP it’s the home life that’s the killer. Understanding from both parents and expectations of each parent will help but yes totally not easy depends on the level of ASD too - Verbal or not / school or not etc. Plus also emotional drain / guilt / upset too

I had no idea.

How hard could it be? I remembered my own childhood and feeling so comfortable and at ease with my parents. I imagined I’d that feeling with my own children.

I had memories (or thought I did) of independent sustained play, reading, watching videos. I didn’t realise I must have been a fair bit older than my own dc are (although ds is starting to.)

Broken sleep, how it drains you.

I always woke early so no difference right, well it runs out there is a HUGE difference between waking at 6 and browsing your phone and waking at 6 after a broken night and entertaining a toddler.

I thought I could do better but as it turns out I can’t 😂 Still love them but my god; I do frequently question my life decisions!

What kind of ASD? If you mean high functioning and manageable with ‘traits’, he is being unreasonable. If you mean non verbal, non-sleeping and aggressive, then he isn’t being unreasonable, as I know families with children like this and their lives are very very hard.

Other way round for me. DH was oldest of 4 and knew exactly what we were getting into. I was much more romantic and naive. I’ve still coped better than him with it all though.

Same. It's difficult to express correctly, because I don't regret the decision at all and obviously my daughter is the best thing in the entire universe, but if I knew everything I knew now I probably wouldn't have decided to have a baby. DH agrees. So I guess I'm glad I didn't know?

Similarly, I was naive about physical recovery. It took about six months to get back to an ok place (and I had a relatively uneventful birth) and a year to get back to (a new) normal. Body is pretty trashed.

Yes of course.

There are things you just can’t anticipate.

We had difficulties with DC1. We thought then we’d be really well prepared for DC2.

Nope.

No one truly knows what to expect. Even when you’ve been through it before it can be different with every child. Countless posts on MN from women saying how they “didn’t know it would be so damn hard”.

I had absolutely no idea. I had more children as I just flailed through in a haze of lack of sleep and hormones.

I love them to bits, but dear God I was clueless about the reality of how much my body, my life and my relationship would change.

Did any of us really realise?! I think I had a fairly good understanding of what I was getting into, I still didn’t really know how it would affect me to have so little control over meeting my own needs. I have ADHD and parenting with your own additional needs is an extra challenge.

Also yes, is dad autistic? If your child is it’s almost 100% at least one of his parents is too. I don’t know any autistic people without an autistic parent.

Yeah it’s really hard. Add in any additional needs and I can’t begin to imagine how hard.

the first 5 years are relentless - gets a bit easier from then, a lot easier from 10+

but your life isn’t your own anymore that’s for sure!!

No one expects their child to be ND. Things such as your child being able to go to school, your child being invited to birthday parties, your child sitting GCSEs, your child being able to go to the toilet independently, no one expects their child to not be able to do some of those things. It is extremely hard, it is a sort of grief.

I really struggle op

both of us do kids 2&5

mostly find lack of any downtime hard - especially when bedtime takes too long and I lose any chance of being able to do anything for myself or even watch a bit of tv

I dread weekends sometimes then feel guilty as I love my kids and feel bad for not wanting to hang out in a park all day or go to soft play or whatever and craving time for myself

We’ve started to take more time out to ourselves lately and evenings our seperately so we can skip bedtimes here and there etc and it’s helped my mental health massively

I think most couples are totally unprepared for the relentless hard work of being a first time parent.

We both did the ‘wtf?’ over the sheer lack of sleep and mental endurance you need in the early days, and soon got into a tag-team survival mindset. Going through it together was a really bonding (and gruelling) time.

We are still a team even now they’ve all flown the nest!

Alot of people feel the same. You look forward to the picture, perfect image of family life, and then reality hits, and life becomes survival.

DH does say he feels at breaking point. DS is nine, he has moderate Autism with language delay, a lot of non functional language and echolalalia but he is verbal. He does lash out because of his communication difficulties but he attends a very good generic SS and is doing well there

Yes. I was surprised

I think we were the opposite, I thought it was going to be all cuddles and laughter and fun trips together, my DH warned that it was going to be very hard and had lots of trepidation. Consequently he was pleasantly surprised by how much he enjoyed the first year and I had a horrific time. That’s a simplification but I got the shock of my life.

i didn’t really realise either. Feel like an idiot now though!

That does sound very difficult OP and not everyone will cope well. I guess as he gets older it might be harder.

Is he having any counselling to deal with it? Does he have time away from the house? He likely needs a sport or something to release.

It's hard, but parents put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect these days. Instead of saying No, they negotaiate. Instead of letting kids be bored they find endless activities. Neither of these are good for kids. So i think reduce the pressure of yourself to manageable levels and you'll enjoy it a lot more and actually like spending time with them

We also used to be trained from a young age to expect to raise kids, do lots of chores etc. I think that is less now and so it's more of a shock.

I don’t think anyone expects it to be as hard as it is. That’s completely normal.

We were the first of our friends by many years to have a child. In those early years, we still had friends over. We hosted dinner parties in the midst of trying to get a toddler to bed. I’d cook roasts for friends in between nap times. Everyone just thought it was perfectly natural.

And then those friends had their own children. Every single one has come back to me and said, oh my god, I had no idea it was this hard. We used to come to yours and you’d cook and put babies to sleep and we’d keep you up late drinking prosecco and you just casually got on with it, but how the hell did you do it? Everyone was pretty much like, god, you made it look easy and no one told us it was going to be this hard? It was hard, but we did our best to still see friends.

I think a lot of people don’t talk about it, or when they do, people without children just don’t hear it. Either because they don’t really care/aren’t interested, or because they have this dream vision of having a baby and they don’t want that bubble popped.