Should my son miss tutoring for a funeral?

[PixelPoppy]

What's the best parenting choice here?
I'm a single mum to a 11 year old boy
The dads family has had a loss in the family, a great uncle to our child. He doesn't remember ever meeting him, or really knows who he is just that it's a family member.
He said his dad asked him to go to the funeral and he said he would and that he's dad face seemed really happy so he was glad he said he would go as it made his dad happy.
I asked when it was, it's mid week. A school week..
Our child doesn't access regular mainstream school but has tutoring on two days a week.
He would end up missing both days due to the location of the funeral and when his dad is choosing to travel.
I said initially, unfortunately it is a school week so he can't go. But this hasn't been accepted by his dad.
This has led to my son getting very upset as he now feels he is in the middle of two parents and he doesn't want to make his dad unhappy.
He asked me to be the 'bigger person and take the hit.'
I have tried to explain it is not to do with me but more if it were school it wouldn't be my choice..
It's technically my contact hours with him.
His Dad has just assumed he will be taking him.

Am I right to says it's best he doesn't go or should I let him go? Should it be my choice ore my childs? I feel cruel to say no to going to a funeral.

It's 4 hours away and he will be gone for 3 school days.

I would love some unbiased opinions.
Will my son wish he went to the funeral? Is it his choice to attend or is he just trying to please his dad?
Thank you!

Funerals are for the living. How much tutoring are we talking? 2x one hour?

Let him go.

It’s not fair to make your son “pig in the middle” and it’s not fair of his Dad to pile on the pressure to go to this funeral - which he has done. Is there any way you could re-schedule the tutoring? Given the circumstances, I’d let him go, but I’d make it very clear that it’s a one-off, and that if his father wants to take him somewhere in the future, he needs to clear it with you first, and not presume or present it as a fait-accompli.

Yes, let him go to the funeral.

If your son wants to go then I would let him go. Tutoring can be caught up on.
However, I don’t really understand wanting to take a child to a funeral of someone who wasn’t a significant person in their life but that’s just me

I think that these events are something that a family gathers for - the people slightly less affected support those who are more affected by their presence.

It's 2 hours on one day (government funded) and two classes on another music lesson and art. I pay for those... I can accept the loss of those or ask his dad to contribute which he likely won't...
But that shouldn't matter maybe in the grand scheme of things.

What does your DS want to do?

Let him go. It’s his dad’s uncle, a family gathering, an important cultural ceremony and your son wants to go - it doesn’t matter if he’s only going to make his dad happy. I think it shows he has empathy for someone he loves.

If he was at mainstream school they’d let him go and it’s important for him to take part in family events.

Thank you, yes I think he should have spoken to me first. I do try to let my son have a voice but it's know when to step in or not, to help guide him.
One session of the tutoring can possibly be rearranged but the second day is pre paid lessons that can't be moved

At 11, it’s not necessary to go. I’d just keel his routine. Dc are not expected at funerals of people they don’t know.

Ooh I think I have the family order wrong... I'll edit the post... It is his dad's grans brother... So is that great - great uncle? Sorry

I was under the impression mainstream school would not let a child have an authorised absence for this?

I would let him go to the funeral. I don’t agree with his dad using him though - whether as emotional support (given your son is going because he saw it made his dad happy when he said yes) or as a way to get extra days with him (does he really need to be gone for 3 days? A 4 hour journey isn’t great, but could be done in a day - or at the very least back the next day). If he were in mainstream school, they’d allow him to go to a funeral, and with the distance I imagine 2 days would be approved at the most. But your son is old enough to decide if he does or doesn’t want to go, so I’d go with that.

Is there anyone else going that could perhaps bring him home earlier?

Why would you think that? You really don’t think schools authorise absence for funerals? Can’t get much more once in a lifetime for the individual than that… it’s not like you can go to Uncle Bob’s funeral every week!

No, they wouldn’t.
My Mum died last year quite young and my then 7 year-old wasn’t given permission to go to the funeral (she was extremely close with my Mum).
I picked a funeral date in the Easter holidays so it wasn’t an issue.

If your child wants to go, I’d let them go. I’d then firmly say to the Dad that any future requests on your time are to go through you, not your child.

Of course he should go.

i was protected from the sorrow and grieving of funerals til i was 15 and a close relative died. it was a bit shocking to see everyone older than me crying. Was it an educational thing seeing it’s ok to cry, maybe. It could do a boy good if he was brought up to suck it up boys dont cry. could his dad could be a comfort or is he feckless? we returned home afterwards. different for your son.

your son will be with his dad but what are the after party plans? will they go for a meal and then to a pub? where will your son be dumped with some random relative as hes too young for a pub? are there other family members going to be there that your son likes that can care for him? like his gran or something and are they decent sensible people?

why does his dad want to take him to a funeral of what is effectively a stranger? sounds like it’s for him (the dad) either to show off his son or let distant family catch up with the boy, or to use for an excuse for leaving early or something.

whatever the reasons if it’s properly planned and could be educational it might be worth letting him go. If no firm plans are in place “oh well just crash with family, someone will have a spare bed” i’d say no.

whats the travel plans like? is dad driving, likely to be hungover after a night at the pub etc? does your son get travel sick and can dad deal with that.

i dont think the tutoring is the end if the world. maybe you could swap days that week or something.

But you’re not in mainstream school are you? One of these days it will be an event that matters to you on his dad’s day, and his dad will tell you to sod off.

If it’s 2x one hour of tutoring you can potentially reschedule, or do it online via Google Meet.

I would ask your ex to pay for a catch up session (in HIS contact time) so that your son doesn’t miss out.

You're right (although it is circumstance dependent). The thing with a school is that he'd be missing a lot more. Could you switch any of the tutoring to the other 3 days?
I agree with pp, his dad shouldn't have put him in that situation, so I'd have a word.

My daughter’s primary school didn’t authorise her to attend my Mum’s funeral last year. She saw her Nannie every single week since she was born. I don’t know if it’s the case for every school but yeah, they looked me dead in the eye and shrugged their shoulders.

Bloody hell. I sincerely hope you took her anyway and complained to the governors.

Poor lass. Most schools I know would certainly have allowed that!

I managed to book the date in the Easter holidays so she came anyway but I’ve never forgotten it. They were awful about it.