Should my son miss tutoring for a funeral?

[PixelPoppy]

What's the best parenting choice here?
I'm a single mum to a 11 year old boy
The dads family has had a loss in the family, a great uncle to our child. He doesn't remember ever meeting him, or really knows who he is just that it's a family member.
He said his dad asked him to go to the funeral and he said he would and that he's dad face seemed really happy so he was glad he said he would go as it made his dad happy.
I asked when it was, it's mid week. A school week..
Our child doesn't access regular mainstream school but has tutoring on two days a week.
He would end up missing both days due to the location of the funeral and when his dad is choosing to travel.
I said initially, unfortunately it is a school week so he can't go. But this hasn't been accepted by his dad.
This has led to my son getting very upset as he now feels he is in the middle of two parents and he doesn't want to make his dad unhappy.
He asked me to be the 'bigger person and take the hit.'
I have tried to explain it is not to do with me but more if it were school it wouldn't be my choice..
It's technically my contact hours with him.
His Dad has just assumed he will be taking him.

Am I right to says it's best he doesn't go or should I let him go? Should it be my choice ore my childs? I feel cruel to say no to going to a funeral.

It's 4 hours away and he will be gone for 3 school days.

I would love some unbiased opinions.
Will my son wish he went to the funeral? Is it his choice to attend or is he just trying to please his dad?
Thank you!

A Great great uncle he has no memory of.
plus funerals are a mixture if sorrow & too much drink, not the best place fir an 11 yr old.
That would be a NO from me. & tell your X he is manipulating piece of dirt.
At the very least he could go for 2 days, your X just wants a family get together

I'm glad she went, but how awful.

Your kids school wouldn’t authorise for a child to go to their grandparents funeral? This is either BS or the world’s most heartless school. My children were all granted authorised absences for their great grandparents respective funerals. So even further removed in terms of relationship than yours!

The only circumstances I could imagine them not approving it would be:

It’s the 8th time you’ve requested time out for a grandparents funeral (I.e. you’ve lied a few times)

The funeral was abroad and you asked for 2/3 weeks off

The child’s absence is already extremely low

True. We've even allowed funeral attendance in the parents' country of origin, so it's always more than 2 days!

Yes he should go

He has been to two funerals before, on on my side (family friend) I had no child care so he came, it was a small service with tea and cake after and one on his dad's (his dad's grans) last year. He did half the service in the church and went to a side room for half... My son has some additional needs not always obvious but enough to prevent him attending school... I was with him for both. His dad didn't check on him when we went to his grans.., so I think I am concerned his dad will get caught up with adult conversation, which can be fine is it in a familiar environment but less so with no people there he knows. He may know one or two other adults but they are not going to know to check on him.
When he has been away to family events before there has been buffets served and he has told me he didn't eat that day other than breakfast as his dad said to wait for a big buffet and then there was no food he could manage to eat so he didn't eat.
I could drive over there two maybe to be on hand... But don't want to be weirdly over protective or controlling!

I work in a school and authorised or not we wouldn’t say anything to stop a family attending a funeral. (Generally it’s day of funeral authorised but we will authorise more if needed)

But either way he isn’t in school so that’s irrelevant. Family relationships are important.

I am really sorry to hear that. I am glad you managed to arrange it when you could.

That's good to know. Thank you

100% attendance and I’ve never lied about a family member dying. The school is abysmal. The only time she’s had two days off was the year before when a dog bit her face and she was in hospital.
They said they’d authorise for parents or siblings only.
I booked the funeral for in the Easter holidays in the end, and as they broke up for the holidays she received a 100% attendance award. She didn’t even have the day off the day after I found my Mum dead, she needs routine to cope and school is her routine.
The Headteacher is vile, shouldn’t work with people let alone children.

They can and authorise for family funerals that require travel.

but regardless for whatever reason your ds accesses different type of education and he’ll be missing 2 hours of tutoring that’s statutorily provided by the LA and so you contact them to request the absense. They may even move the tutoring due to circumstance.

@PixelPoppy Ask yourself why dad wants dc there? Any reason or just not seeing the big picture. I’ve rarely seen 11 year olds at distant relatives funerals. In my circle of friends and relatives it would be odd to take him. He has needs and these outweigh any family funeral for someone he doesn’t know. What does DS think?

My understanding is my son wants to go to support his dad and that it is a nice thing to do.

I don't know why his dad wants him, it may be because his own mum isn't going, as it's a different side of the family. I don't think his brothers are going either, or maybe only one.

From my understanding, when my son was asked it was in a way that he felt mean saying no to going to a funeral, that is is rude and unkind and that he couldn't say no. But I may be reading into it as I have only heard what happened, I wasn't there.

His dad then also is staying for the weekend to see other family and doesn't plan on driving him back for event/club my son is planning to go to on the Saturday.
So his dad will drive him 4 hours on Wednesday for the funeral on Thursday and then I have been told I can collect him on Friday for his event on Saturday. I don't want him to miss his Saturday event (one off for the year) but that would be me driving 8 hours...

My thinking would be that at 11 years old it doesn’t matter if he misses a bit of tutoring. It also doesn’t matter if he goes to this funeral or not as he didn’t know the deceased.

Therefore I would just go with what the majority want, which is that he goes to the funeral.

(My DD was given an authorised absence for a funeral last year.)

If he was at mainstream school, it is unlikely that they would allow 3 days off for the funeral of a great uncle.
When my kids grandmother died in Holland, we had to take 3 days in order to travel, go to funeral and travel back.
We had to explain to school why we needed 3 days and that was for a grandparent.

So no, I don't think 3 days would be normal for school to allow for a distant relative.

But then if the school said no, I would take them out anyway if I considered it to be important. (and I am a teacher)

Personally in this instance I would let him go. Not because of the great uncle, but because going to a funeral is an important milestone in growing up, it is not easy and it is helpful for kids to have been to a funeral of a not close relative before they have to go to one of a close relative. It is an opportunity for him to have time with the wider family, and for them to meet him. It is a cultural event as much as a funeral. It os one of those 'education' moments that has nothign to do with school.

Oh just read that you would have to go and collect him on the Friday!
No, Dad brings him back on Friday, or he doesn't go.

I would let him go if it was a big family gathering with cousins his age there.
A long mass with ancient uncles would be torture so I would say no to that.

To me he should definitely go for multiple reasons.

I seem to be in the minority but I think at 11 missing education for a very distant family member’s funeral is actually mental. Also, rude that Dad assumes he can come on your time (bet he wouldn’t like it if it were the other way around) That said, I think at 11 he’ll hold it against you if you don’t let him go now he has said he wants to. I would have a chat with son and make it clear you don’t think it’s appropriate to miss education and that you think it was something his Dad should have discussed with you. Hopefully, it’s completely depressing and your son will have a lightbulb moment where he thinks ‘maybe Mum was right, this is pretty boring and depressing and I’ve missed my lessons for it.’

Are the lessons online or in person? if online, perhaps he could do them from his dad's place before or after the funeral

Let him go. Both he and his Dad want him there.

There is significant learning being around family even for a funeral. These are all situations he will need to navigate as an adult, this will really help him.

He should miss the funeral but not his education.
YANBU.

Blimey. I can understand refusing permission for perhaps an aunt or uncle’s funeral but a grandparent??
I would have taken the child anyway unless they were not at all close or very young. (Depending on the circumstances.)
Funerals are important and I think we can sometimes keep our children too far away from any contact with death, perhaps for good motives, perhaps just from the modern squeamishness about it.

I don’t think the tutoring is an issue, but the other things are. I’d worry if his dad wouldn’t make sure he eats.

The school were quite heartless about it. She came anyway, they were incredibly close, all of my Mum’s colleagues and friends kept asking me how my daughter was coping 🥲 they knew she was the favourite 😂

It was the only funeral I’ve let her go to, she needed the closure of it being “real” that Nannie’s gone.