Should my son miss tutoring for a funeral?

[PixelPoppy]

What's the best parenting choice here?
I'm a single mum to a 11 year old boy
The dads family has had a loss in the family, a great uncle to our child. He doesn't remember ever meeting him, or really knows who he is just that it's a family member.
He said his dad asked him to go to the funeral and he said he would and that he's dad face seemed really happy so he was glad he said he would go as it made his dad happy.
I asked when it was, it's mid week. A school week..
Our child doesn't access regular mainstream school but has tutoring on two days a week.
He would end up missing both days due to the location of the funeral and when his dad is choosing to travel.
I said initially, unfortunately it is a school week so he can't go. But this hasn't been accepted by his dad.
This has led to my son getting very upset as he now feels he is in the middle of two parents and he doesn't want to make his dad unhappy.
He asked me to be the 'bigger person and take the hit.'
I have tried to explain it is not to do with me but more if it were school it wouldn't be my choice..
It's technically my contact hours with him.
His Dad has just assumed he will be taking him.

Am I right to says it's best he doesn't go or should I let him go? Should it be my choice ore my childs? I feel cruel to say no to going to a funeral.

It's 4 hours away and he will be gone for 3 school days.

I would love some unbiased opinions.
Will my son wish he went to the funeral? Is it his choice to attend or is he just trying to please his dad?
Thank you!

@Drats I agree with you. MN loves a good funeral and dragging dc along is all the better. No child needs to learn about funerals! Did Harry and Wills learn a lot? It’s tosh to think this matters. Let him keep to his routine!

I wouldn’t be asking a school for permission to attend a funeral, if I felt it appropriate my child would go to the funeral and I’d inform the school of my decision.

Funerals are important markers in family life, I’d let him go unless you think it would be actively harmful for him.

What actually is the point of him going to the funeral of a distant relative? Aside from him supporting his dad, which I don't think he should have to do.
It sounds like his dad will not ensure he's properly fed, probably will leave him to his own devices most of the time. He'd either miss out on a once a year thing or you'd have to do a long journey.

Let your son what he wants to do

Thank you for all of your opinions! They have really helped me work through it all more and given me a wider view on things.

If he wants to go, sure, let him go. That said, I don’t really think a funeral for someone he didn’t even know is hugely appropriate for a child. I’ve been to several funerals recently and there were no children, even ones close to the deceased. We brought ours when she was 2, only because otherwise, I would have had to miss it as we had no childcare who wasn’t at the funeral. Perhaps may be different in other cultures, but it was definitely a grown up thing and then the wakes very boozy. I’d have brought a child who was very close to the deceased, but in your son’s case, no. I think it’s fine if he wants to go, but I’d expect his dad to manage it if they do go. Leaving early if it’s too much. Making sure he’s well fed if dad is planning to stay for a long season for the wake. Sorting him out after in case he’s emotional, etc.

so im thinking i’d see the facts as:

• son doesnt know the deceased and wants to please his dad so says he will go. no other reason. just loves dad.

• dad plans on catching up with family and presumably wants son to do so also which is nice if dc likes his cousins and family are fun and caring, sensible and available to step up. however dad has form for not feeding child and will presumably fancy a few pints with men relatives so son will be dumped on some relative he doesn’t know well so it might not be ideal.

• son has additional needs severe enough to warrant home schooling but people may not realise that and potentially not understand when he needs assistance or maybe quiet time or something else so he likely won’t get it.

• dad could be catching up with family which could mean drinking and then driving the following day with son in car if he has a late one, lock in, or home partying til late.

• son will miss saturday event unless mum drives 8 hours. wtf.

• son will miss tutor.

So when you put it all together it feels like dad is being a bit selfish and inconsiderate and he/family may not be able to cope with dc who is there for no reason. Feels like a hard no from me but with a promise to go down for a visit in the school holidays to see his cousins etc. if you can be bothered, perhaps as part of a wider holiday OP that you can liaise with dh about?

His dad should not be bringing him as an emotional crutch. That’s completely unfair and inappropriate for an 11 year old, it should be the other way around.

He doesn’t know the deceased, they are a distant relative, if it is that important for the son to attend the event then the dad should prioritise the son’s needs and drive him back on Friday, then he can drive back on Friday to hang out with his family on Saturday.

Bit instead of that 8 hour journey for him he is expecting an 8 hour round trip from you. If the funeral is worth the 8 hour journey then it is worth HIM making the 8 hour journey.

There is very little benefit to your son attending this funeral other than responding to the emotional blackmail from his dad.His dad should not be using him like this.

He shouldn’t even be going to the funeral

What concerns me here - and though I’ve RTT apologies if I have missed other references to this – is an 11-year-old coming out with the expression that you should “be the bigger person“. He has obviously got this from his father and it’s blatant manipulation. That’s what I think you need to keep an eye on for the future and perhaps discuss with him when things have settled down.

This really helps, thank you.
He has just been up for Easter to see family. There won't be any cousins his age unfortunately, which doesn't help things once he's there. It's all so distant too it's sons, dads, grandmas brother and it will be his close family.
It helps to have facts.

That's how it's feeling to me. It's really hard to manage it or rather help him manage it.
A child can want to do the right thing and can end up trusting a parent even when they are not making the best choices.

Yes, I am aware of that too unfortunately. I don't know how I can stop it. I cant control what his dad says to him when they are together. I'm not sure what power I have to help improve things.