Autistic child and finding holidays difficult.

[Cel77]

Holidays are so tough. I'm lucky I'm a teacher as I can be home with my two children (6 years old DD and 10 years old DS).However, these are the issues:

• my son is autistic, has a very limited range of play and would spend the whole day on Minecraft if I wasn't heavily involved.
• he's never been interested in playing with his sister . It's such a shame as she'd love that.
• he's saying no to every single activity I suggest. Sometimes, I'll strike gold with a Minecraft themed activity like making a list of the Minecraft characters, or drawing a map of it...
• my DD needs a lot of involvement from me again when we're "just" at home otherwise she finds screens are her "go to" activity
• I still need to go shopping, clean and tidy (nothing crazy here, I do what needs doing that's all), deal with our admin, and of course plan meals they'll eat ,cook and the rest.
• there's no family to help us around
• we're on a fairly tight budget

I try to.plan for activities outside the house every day. We sometimes do things with my daughter's friends and their parents. Very occasionally, I'll take our son and one of his two friends somewhere. Very occasionally, the favour will be reciprocated. My son finds social anything very difficult, even with close family (when we see them) and friends. All of these "playdates" are mostly organised by me. It's tiring, and makes me feel lonely.

My daughter likes crafts, drawing, baking, playgrounds etc...She plays non stop when she has a friend here. However, we can't do that everyday and I feel like I'll go mad trying to organise everything so that everyone is happy. I'm taking myself out of the equation really. I run on very little most of the time and holidays can be tough.

I'm looking for ideas I've not thought about yet (possibly). How can I encourage them to do things independently when they're "bored" (not screen related), knowing they won't play together.

Thanks

Could you afford holiday clubs for either of them?

Bit left field, but could you consider hosting a foreign exchange student? You are off at holiday times. Having an extra person can break things up and you might strike lucky with a teenager or young person who would play with the 6 year old a bit.

My parents hosted a French girl in her late teens and we had an older cousin stay with us some holidays. I got a lot out of this as a young child, especially as I didn't get on particularly well with my sister.

4 years is a big age gap especially with different sexes.

No advice but just wanted to offer solidarity as I m in the same boat. It is HARD!

My house needs a good clean but I just don't get the opportunity. If we stay home, my two end up fighting, do I try to get out of the house as much as possible but it is utterly exhausting.

Am hopeful others will come along with a magic wand and a suggestion I haven't tried.

Stop suggesting and letting him say no, he's learned that's how to wear you down to Minecraft. Instead plan a day you know they'll enjoy and just tell them that's what you are doing. Get out the house as much as possible.

I do have a child with ASD, so I get it's hard, but my DD is now older and more articulate and it's the pressure of giving an answer that would make her say no to things. If she said yes to swimming, but wasn't 100% sure it'd be fun, she'd feel responsible for it being fun. She likes me taking control as it's also taking responsibility.

Have you used all the strategies you would use at school like now next language, timetables and timers?

You might have to alternate that child A has screen time whilst child B has an activity and friend then swap.

During covid my asd child had a timetable that said he had to do something active, something creative and something 'social" each day around his Minecraft. Social would be playing a game with his sibling or eating with the family.

Anyway it is tough. You loose all the structure, Your children have different needs and you need a rest!

I've tried that. They don't want to do it anymore. I'm on a waiting list for a local summer autism club so hopefully we can try this.
Financially, it's a bit much, especially if they don't enjoy it. I hoped they'd make friends but my DS was stuck to the instructor pretty much all the time.

We don't have the space for an au pair. Interestingly enough, I used to be an au pair in my early twenties and loved it. I wished we could but we just don't have the space

We do go out. A lot. That's the only way. It's more when we're at home ,which will happen every day for a few hours (unless we're away) or the odd day out of the 42 days in the summer holiday I've not planned something...

You're absolutely right. We made a "healthy mind" wheel with how much screen time is acceptable. We included other activities of course. I just need to remind him every day. He won't play with his sibling but will eat dinner with us. We eat every meal together when we're all there anyway, and screens are not allowed at all then. Board games are horrible for him. He hates them. His sister is ok with them but it feels very unpleasant to play just the two or three of us when he's not playing with us. I can't force him. I wouldn't like someone to force me to do it because "it's fun". It's a very fine balance between respecting his needs and wants and pushing him a bit out of his comfort zone.

You’re a nicer person than me as you describe yourself as lucky to have the holidays with your children. I consider myself quite unlucky in a way. I feel like I go from one extremely demanding job to another and it is so tiring, I end up going back to work feeling drained and having had no break at all, and both mine are (afaik) not autistic.

Could you get computer games that are more sociable like Mario Kart- my son and daughter play that together. Unfortunately they give me motion sickness otherwise I'd definitely join in. At that age they also enjoyed the inflatable session at the local swimming pool or just going to the pool with pool noodles for the family session. We also watch films together with popcorn and cola. It's controversial but with my SEND son I let him spend hours and hours on Minecraft and other computer games. They are creative and absorbing and as long as he moves his body at some point of the day then that's how we manage the holidays. So I would let your son spend a lot of time on Minecraft and do fewer activities outside the house. Do craft activities with your daughter or have a friend over and let it all wash over you.

I have the same age autistic kids. I think you need to lean into minecraft a bit. Can DS invite a friend over to play minecraft?

I'm definitely not that nice 😅...It's just lucky financially, maybe? I love them too, obviously. I also feel like I go from one relentless job to another, and never get a proper break. I just wished they could play together, or that my son had friends who get him.and come knock on the door to go and play together at times.

That's making me feel much better. I agree that Minecraft is one of the "better" games as it's creative and there's not too much violence. I find that my son gets a mental block because of playing this game (he won't try another game. I tried) and gets bored 2 minutes after leaving it, if we're not doing something outside the house.

He plays Minecraft on his dad's phone. We're thinking about getting him a PS5 (which I resisted for a long time) , and one of tge reasons would be the multi player option. However, only one of his two friends plays?Minecraft. The other plays GTA, which is a big no from me!

Me too! Would the 6 year old play minecraft so they can play together?

Also have a look around for Minecraft clubs. There are two in our area that I know of, one is specifically for autistic kids.

Like you I resisted screen time and I felt like I was flogging a dead horse 🐎

I have 3 with ASD, who are 12 to 15 now.

I made sure they get out and do other stuff but at home I let it go. It helps regulate them. As they've got older most of their real life friends are online too, so they'll chat and play together. The 3 of them even play together sometimes!

Speaking to other parents of teens and tweens, they hang out together far less than we did when we were their ages.

I insist on family meal times with no screens.

I stopped fighting to fill every day, and let them decompress from school. It really helped.

They have structured things they enjoy term time like dance, drama and singing. One twin now devours books at an alarming rate where previously they would spend hours on Minecraft. I never thought I would be telling one of my kids to get their nose out a book!

Sometimes it's just survival mode!

Have you tried the magnetic minecraft blocks, or mincraft lego?

My autistic DS loves it if I print out things related to his special intrest for him to colour. I've got a cheap heat printer that connects to my phone, then Google image search "(name of thing) colouring page", and let him pick. It's got a surprising amout of mileage, even though he ignores colouring books.

In my LA, sen children can access the HAF program, even if not on FSM, including some sen spercific activities. Might be worth looking into. I try to send each DC to one thing a week, but on different days, so they get two days away from each other and I get some 1:1 time with other one.

We’ve really felt the ASD-distance this holiday too.

We’re fortunate that our son will go to a playground (to play on one specific thing) and he likes our local play centre.

But school holidays and bank holidays are a nightmare because they’re busier than usual, and he has absolutely no interest in an Easter Trail or making a bonnet. In fact he finds the fact that other people are genuinely upsetting.

We took him to see some Christmas lights at a park he knows last year - he had a meltdown all the way round it because it looked wrong/different.

We end up basically confined to the house, where all he’ll do is watch Cars and play on his iPad, because everyone else having an Easter pisses him off.

Managed a shouty sandwich at a local country park today, it was rammed, so we sort of encouraged him to do 10mins on a slide, gave him food, and then left.

It's so hard,isn't it...Autism can really rob you of the joy you would expect to feel watching your child enjoy what others kids do. Unfortunately, it's detective work to find out what they would enjoy that the rest of the family would too. Christmas lights trails have always been a fail for him.too as he gets panicky about being cold and uncomfortable. He can't see past what we see as mild discomfort. For him, it takes epic proportions . The first night sleeping in a hotel/caravan/different house on holiday is a screaming, anxiety- filled nightmare for him- and us. We try to shield our NT daughter from the worst but it still affects her of course. We try our absolute best to give them both what they need and like. But it's at a cost. Our couple. We're partners. Not really a couple anymore. My mental health scares me at times so I have to give myself a good talking to. And yoga helps too.

Well it’s not exciting but you could start teaching the 10 year old chores. DS is ASC and LD and doesn’t do ‘play’ or socialise. We probably started chores about that age partly as a way of filling his time with more functional activities / breaking up screen time as well as teaching skills.

You might get short breaks from social care so you can have separate time with each child or they may be young carers / sibling groups for your DD. You can ask for an assessment or contact local carers group.

You can get a maxcard for discounts / free carer tickets. We always go places early and leave before they get busy.

Do you know the parents of your dd’s school friends? I made a few friends that way and they helped me a lot by inviting my other dc out with them on days out or cinema trips and I reciprocated with some after school care or chauffeuring to parties.

It’s also ok to take them on holiday separately if they have different needs if you and your partner can juggle it.

There is a series of Minecraft books that my son enjoyed around that age. Good luck!

Would a strict routine help? So that everyone knows what they're doing when. I think that's what I'd try. You can include screen time within that so they have their preferences recognised, also include periods of free play and leave them to be bored, periods of time outside the house, meals, chores etc.

Would your DS read Minecraft books?

I was in a similar boat. Am a special Ed teacher and my sons are autistic. My one piece of advice is this….
please don’t worry about filling their days and planning things. I wish I hadn’t bothered. My boys honestly found it all over stimulating, too much and I ended up a wreck. I had it in my head that because I taught I had to be some kind of super mum and entertain them all the time.

For all our sakes I should just have left them be. They were much happier :)

I get it though.

I have a very similar dynamic in my house. Same age gap, autistic eldest who likes video game playing. I try to do small trips out to keep the youngest happy and the rest of the time give the eldest down time (yes, on screens). Feel trapped at home quite a bit but find if we try to do too much the eldest’s meltdowns increase, which is no fun for any of us.