Autistic child and finding holidays difficult.

[Cel77]

Holidays are so tough. I'm lucky I'm a teacher as I can be home with my two children (6 years old DD and 10 years old DS).However, these are the issues:

• my son is autistic, has a very limited range of play and would spend the whole day on Minecraft if I wasn't heavily involved.
• he's never been interested in playing with his sister . It's such a shame as she'd love that.
• he's saying no to every single activity I suggest. Sometimes, I'll strike gold with a Minecraft themed activity like making a list of the Minecraft characters, or drawing a map of it...
• my DD needs a lot of involvement from me again when we're "just" at home otherwise she finds screens are her "go to" activity
• I still need to go shopping, clean and tidy (nothing crazy here, I do what needs doing that's all), deal with our admin, and of course plan meals they'll eat ,cook and the rest.
• there's no family to help us around
• we're on a fairly tight budget

I try to.plan for activities outside the house every day. We sometimes do things with my daughter's friends and their parents. Very occasionally, I'll take our son and one of his two friends somewhere. Very occasionally, the favour will be reciprocated. My son finds social anything very difficult, even with close family (when we see them) and friends. All of these "playdates" are mostly organised by me. It's tiring, and makes me feel lonely.

My daughter likes crafts, drawing, baking, playgrounds etc...She plays non stop when she has a friend here. However, we can't do that everyday and I feel like I'll go mad trying to organise everything so that everyone is happy. I'm taking myself out of the equation really. I run on very little most of the time and holidays can be tough.

I'm looking for ideas I've not thought about yet (possibly). How can I encourage them to do things independently when they're "bored" (not screen related), knowing they won't play together.

Thanks

I've got a timetable on the fridge but yes, I think it should be more visual and I should draw his attention to it.
I bought him an "encyclopedia" of Minecraft and he sometimes has a look. He won't read anything which is fiction. I read him books every night when he was in bed (or made stories up) but that stopped this year as he told me he didn't really know what the stories were about, and ge wanted a "chat". The chats are usually about his current obsessions...

Similar situation here OP. 12yo DS is autistic and has ADHD - needs constant stimulation but then gets overwhelmed and struggles with that. I usually do shorter activities with him, then factor in his screen time when I need to be able to get on with something in the house. It has got easier as he's getting older (when he was younger he needed constant supervision and boredom was excruciating for him!)

He struggles with reading and refuses to read fiction, so I get him library books on whatever his current interest is. He can dip in and out of those and tops up his knowledge with YouTube tutorials.

I’ve realised that although the general message is screens are bad, he actually regulates when he’s on games like Minecraft. It builds his creativity and problem solving, and since he generally plays in creative mode, he doesn’t get agitated when he dies in the game as that doesn’t happen! We do allow more game time in the holidays, and just break it up with movement activities. He really likes diy of all things, especially heavier tasks that get all the muscles moving. he always asks to be paid after though!

When he was younger we did stick to a routine and a visual timetable which helped. Now he doesn’t seem to need that as much, but still wants a rough plan for the day ahead. I get it though, it’s Pugh and somehow I always feel lol I’m not doing enough while feeling like I’m doing too much at the same time!

Warhammer? They could paint their characters alongside each other? Lego, Fimo, making slime or playing with all the different textured slime kits, collecting fidget toys and lining them up in preference order… we generally did a whole load of craft at that age and had an obligatory “Friday night is movie night”. After dinner board games were unsuccessful, but taco cat goat cheese pizza, anomia or an age appropriate fact challenges/pub quiz/maths challenges were a success. Going outside is the negotiation for screen time for us - they have to do a walk or activity and then I feel less guilt about screens. At 9 and 13 they sometimes played the same Roblox game. Whilst it’s sad not to see a close sibling relationship I just focus on doing things alongside. A garden trampoline was great. Having a family puzzle on the go to dip in to. Online Scribbl.io, geoguesser and jigsaw explorer are ways of connecting through online games. We are in the south and Ambling Path website suggests lovely child friendly walks so I don’t have to think of what to do and where to go all the time. We had good success fossil hunting. Family PGL and YMCA and Manor hotel craft and sport hotel - all organised so I didn’t need to think about activities or feed them. It’s hard as it’s not what you imagined life would be like. Youngest goes for a few days to holiday day camp so I feel I am compensating for the social aspect

I always chat to my son about what he's doing in his games - mainly at meal times but also if we're out for a walk. I do see gaming as a passtime as legitimate/useful as reading.

I have 2 boys that are autistic. What worked when they were younger was going out every other day rather than every day. I’d have a “plan” of the week and put it somewhere prominent so that they knew what was coming up. When I had to drag them out I would tell them that we weren’t going home until they’d enjoyed themselves. But that’s not a tactic that will work with a lot of autistic children.

Similar situation here with AuDHD 10 year old, who can be sociable provided it’s someone he really likes (we’re limited to about 4 friends, most of whom are currently on holiday). He’s been playing Fortnite all morning (chatting with friends at the same time), and normally this would stress me out massively as I’ve always felt the need to entertain my DC constantly and I’m also feeling sadness that the wholesome activities we used to do no longer float their boats (farms, National Trust etc), but this afternoon he’s going swimming so I think as long as there is balance, it’s ok.

Lots of ideas here. Thank you. We have a trampoline but he's not been on it for 3 years now. He saw a spider on it, and that was the end of it! I need to go out too so it's never an issue for me as long as his sister is up for it too .
As my DD gets older, I think she'll have many more plans of her own ( she loves playdates more than anything. The complete opposite!). I just dread having a teenager stuck in his room and with a very small life. Maybe I'm projecting as he might not feel it's a small life for him...

My oldest has just started online school so their world feels even smaller still. But they are content and we have occasional nice interactions, even if it is just 10 minutes in a day. I think my happiness stems from being sociable and being out and about, so it is hard to understand how such a small world can be satisfying, but, they feel safe and secure so I just need to let them be. Easier as they are older and can spend time alone. As the pressure has eased they actually ask to do things, at which point I yelp in delight!

I am in a similar situation to you OP and it’s so hard, isn’t it. I have a 6 year gap between my DD and DS. I suspect that one has ASD and one has ADHD, which of course means that one wants to be left alone in peace & quiet, and the other wants constant attention and can’t amuse himself. Any interaction is usually fighting rather than playing. It’s exhausting.

I still have mixed feelings about the screens. My DS would be on them all day if we let him, and we do let him on them more than I would like. I wouldn’t mind so much if he didn’t have such epic screen withdrawal meltdowns when we turned them off. He also nags us all day for them when we are not using them. I don’t know what the answer is, but you are not alone!

Ds is autistic and ten we do -

a chill day at home every week - extra screen time but will also play board games/ puzzles/ film/ bake
We visit grandparents
Local park
local mini golf (free)
we have a year pass to a local science museum that runs special events in hols
cinema - get a free carer with cea card or 2 for z£9 on o2
any local free / cheap events - Easter trails etc
sen youth club once a week
Any free Sen activities - local area does alpaca walks, there’s a forest school that sometimes run events
visit library/summer reading challenge
I also do haircuts/ dentist/ opticians in school hols

i plan everything in advance and book tickets (obviously some flexibility on chill day /grandparents etc) I do a visual timetable so DS knows what’s happening
We will do the odd treat (especially in. 6 weeks) like trampolining or rock climbing or go out for dessert but not every week.

My ds gets 1 hour a day at 6pm. Having it the same every day means he knows what to expect so he doesn’t expect more. We do sometimes let him have extra on a weekend but not often enough to become a routine

The 6 years old would definitely be up for it. She is desperate for some of his attention but has become very withdrawn and reluctant to talk to him over the years as he's so actively trying to avoid her.
They sometimes play with their dad so the three of them. My son would never play on his own with her.

How does he amuse himself during the times you're at home with nothing planned? My son doesn't even want to try a board game, won't play with his sister and hates reading. He'll draw if he's forced to do it. I feel like I'm forever pushing him to do things he dislikes and I just wished he could be obsessed with drawing or baking for example!

I really wished we had grandparents or other family members around but we don't. We do lots of days out too like you but what I'm after is really the stuff you do at home when there's nothing planned, and you still need to keep the house in some sort of order so everyone has clean clothes to put on and food to eat ! Board games imply (again!) involvement on my part (and I'm reaching my limit) and my DS won't want to play and won't enjoy it if I "force" him to do so.
I agree that opticians and dentists appointments are a good call. We also have a tutor who comes every 3 weeks for him. And swimming, but it's not at home and it's only 1h30 of his time ( getting there and back as well as the 30 minutes lesson).

I agree that screens are a comfort thing and do not help them regulate. My son is definitely struggling to come off and then is lost for ideas. He tells me to "give me some ideas" : I list about 20 of them, and it's a no every time. I really don't know what to do apart from banning all screens from the house (that includes my husband and I 's phones as he will use them too, and it would be fair) and going back to the 90s!!!

@Grumpyeeyore can I ask how you got your DS to do this. Every time I try to get mine involved in chores he just moans and procrastinates and just doesn't do it

Oh crap that now reads like a stealth boast I’m sorry it’s really not as you will see in a second. Ok so a typical day in hols he does get an extra hour of screen time and to be clear I don’t include tv in “screen time” that’s just the switch. I was just explaining in previous post how i prevent nagging for extra time.

So a typical day looks roughly like this-

7 am breakfast
8 am tv or tablet while I get dressed / sorted
930 shower/dress
10 switch
11 activity - bake/ board games/ read/ cards etc
12 lunch
1 activity outside the house
4 tv or tablet while I cook etc
5 tea
6 switch
7 ds and dh are building a rocket together
8 get ready for bed / read
9 lights off

some days we have early lunch at 11 and go out at 12 instead. On a stay at home day he gets more tv definitely as we usually put a film on . But yeah his independent play is practically zero. He will read or do a puzzle book/ comic on his own and I’ve taught him to play patience and he has a game called kanoodle that he plays on his own . But most of the time he wants to do board games or bake or play cards with one of us. He doesn’t do Lego or imagination games at all no interest.

i will empty dish washer , stick a wash on in morning and run hoover/ sweep. Then in evening I will fill dishwasher and tidy up. I dont do any bigger jobs in hols no time. We are lucky ds stays with grandparents 2 overnights in 6 weeks hols which gives me a break plus dh takes 2 or 3 days off in summer hols to take ds out.

With my dd who has asd i learned i just had to tell her what we were doing with no wiggle room otherwise she wouldn’t leave the office (where the computer was) though i did set weekly projects which she enjoyed doing, her idea of fun was prepping a 60 minute PowerPoint presentation

I can relate... My son likes to organise his desk so it looks like the teacher's desk. Or he once typed a few sheets of facts on sea animals ( I almost cried with happiness when he did!). Sea animals are not a thing anymore. He was into planes at various times in the past, and was obsessed with flight radar (an app) and going to see the planes take off from our local airport. I think we went to the viewing area 10 Saturdays in a row (we took turns with my husband).
He's now heavily into Minecraft and I bought him a book with facts about the mobs in it. He made a complete list of the mo s organised by biome. That was suggested by myself. I always try to draw on his current interests but I also want him to try new things.

I got a load of wooden blocks that you could paint from somewhere like Baker Ross or hobby craft

I got my son to make a Minecraft people and plants from them. So he painted each block then built tgec

It only solved ine afternoon but he did enjoy it. I had to be minimally involved though.

That sounds like a great idea. I know too well how excited you can become when they latch onto something other than screens, but in actual fact they're done after one day!

One of my best summers with DS was the year that he drew numbers 1-100, we cut them out and he coloured them in. This took a few days in itself.

We then spent our days shuffling them and organising them into order.

Then we developed a routine each afternoon lining up his trains or planes or mini figures and allocating numbers to them. It was something he could do by himself and then when he was ready I would go and inspect his rankings while he explained the rationale in great detail!

Ultimately though we gave in to screens, just alternating between PlayStation, Wii, Swicth, DS and TV for variety!

I pay mine.

She has a very different presentation of autism though: AuDHD/PDA, likes novelty.

She has a GoHenry on which I can set missions with small payments. They also have a huge number of age appropriate videos on money and finance that she can watch for 50p.

Loving the numbers and wooden blocks ideas!

We bought pebbles and art pens you can draw on any surface. Obviously deploy with caution if you have a scribbler!

We got hours of use of a book of stained glass colouring one summer.