Threatened with 50/50 by ex h

[Aintallsunshineandrainbows]

Need a little advice with this from anyone who has went through this.
My ex partner left almost 4 years ago after getting another woman pregnant. Since he left he since had a second child with her.
I found it all incredibly difficult to process, I still have my moments now. Four months after leaving I was also diagnosed with cancer, thankfully after treatment so far all has been clear.
My ex has had a positive relationship with the kids who were 3&4 when he left.
For the first few weeks he was more interested in drinking and being with the new partner but after a while he began to have the kids every other weekend. He then requested a mid week overnight stay which I also agreed to.

So for the last 3 yrs he has the kids every other weekend Friday evening through to Sunday plus one mid week overnight stay and drops kids to school the following day. Only recently we both agreed to him having the kids on the Sunday night as well on his weekends and drops them to school on the Monday morning.

Me and his relationship isn’t fantastic all the time but I would say things have been amicable the majority of the time in regards to the children. There has been times during my schedule he’s asked if he can have the kids for a few hrs etc which most of the time I don’t mind. This leads us to Christmas gone by. Our current verbal agreement was that the kids would stay at home with me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (for the first 2 Christmas he requested to visit the kids Christmas morning, which was granted) then he’d take the kids Boxing Day and then have them for another 3-4 days over the Christmas period.

Leading up to Christmas gone by he requested the children for Christmas Day. I reminded him that what he initially told me when we separated was that the kids were to be here for Santa and then he’d take them Boxing Day and a few days afterwards. He wasn’t pleased, refused to help towards Santa gifts etc so I had to cover that myself. Then he threatened to take me to court for 50/50 custody, told me I’d too much control etc accused me of not allowing him to see the kids etc yet contact was never stopped. He also hadn’t paid child support from Nov 2025. He gives me £10 per week per child despite claiming benefits and working cash in hand. But never the less his regular contact still remained. Everything has been consistent for the kids despite any feelings I have. Nothing came of that threat until a few days ago he requested Christmas this yr. I said it could be discussed as in split the day but he wasn’t happy and threatened 50/50 again and told me he’s entitled to it and after that I’ll not receive a penny from him. He then paid up all the missed payments from November so I’m pretty sure this time it’s not a threat.

We always manage to discuss things and not to blow my own trumpet but I would say I’ve been a pretty good co parent with him. I’ve ensured the kids have a very good relationship with him and their other siblings and his partner. But my ex partner only has issues with me if I don’t follow along with what he wants. He doesn’t take into consideration the amount of times during my time where he’s requested extra days or hours with and it’s been fine 90% of the time. I do try to accommodate as much as I can as I don’t want arguments and don’t want an unhealthy dynamic with him or on the children. But it’s anytime I’m not willing to go with something he threatens me with court and 50/50 custody. He’s even told the children he’s going to court to see them more because their mum has more time that him etc. So keep in mind while he has the kids once every mid week and every other weekend, he still has access to the kids the majority of the time. We share taking kids to activities etc… so he actually sees them much more.

Therefore I don’t understand why he’s going to take me to court for 50/50. He works during the week so this means he won’t even be present a lot of time when the kids would be at his, I already know he’s going to leave the new partner to look after them while he works. I really feel as if this is just a tactic to punish me over Christmas and my nerves are through the roof. He genuinely has an ex partner who does work with him so much of the time, the kids have settled into this routine so well. I’ve been the one paying school things, lunches, clothing etc I do everything financially alone. I’ve been the one doing school homework, pick ups, hospital appointments etc, he just gets the “fun parenting” as I’d call it because I take care of everything else as the primary caregiver even during my sickness.

is he going to be granted 50/50 even though he’s got a very good established routine going these last 4 years?? And the kids are settled into it now. This is all because I won’t give him the full Christmas Day, even though he has them Boxing Day and up to 4 days after that. I’m so upset that he’s going to pull us through the court when he’s actually not dealing with a bitter baby mama or someone who’s preventing him seeing his kids or affecting his relationship with his kids. How would this be looked at? Like it’s clear from our communication that as a co parent I do work with him, I include him in everything. I feel like this is being done as punishment

It sounds like you are not far off doing 50/50 anyway op and he isn’t a reliable maintenance payer anyway so you aren’t really losing anything. What bothers you the most about him requesting it?

@YourSassyPanda because I agree with you. It’s already a pretty good established routine where he sees the kids quite regularly, I don’t understand why push things through the court when he basically has a very good arrangement in place. Plus he’s not going to do the looking after of the kids, it’s going to be left on his other partner to do that just so he can get his own way and punish me

Unfortunately you have an ex who wants the court to 'tell' you what to do. I had one of those and it took 5 court cases for him to realise that the judge wasn't interested. BUT that was 20 years ago when there was no premise of 50/50 and the norm was every other weekend with a mid week visit and alternate Christmas. What I'm seeing now is that parents are entitled to request 50/50 unless there is a very good reason to deny it, which 4 years of the pattern you describe wouldn't negate him applying for 50/50.
If he does take you to court, my understanding of the current court system is that you're required to attempt mediation first. Also, the judge is looking for compromise from both of you to avoid a court order unless there's no way of avoiding it. If the children are now 7/8 years old, is there a way of revising the pattern to nearer 50/50 without ending up arguing in court ?

Yes that’s frustrating if you think he will leave them with a partner while you could be enjoying time with them, I understand that completely.

@Lightuptheroom but if the kids have settled into this routine why should it be disrupted. It works very well for everyone. The whole 50/50 thing is simply because I said we’d discuss Christmas instead he just wanted to get his way again. I’m only threatened with this when ex h can’t have his cake and eat it

@YourSassyPanda if I thought this meant he’d be at home actually having the time with them then that’s different… but it’s not, they will be left with the partner to be cared for while he swans away off to work. Why look 50/50 if you’re not willing to be there to do the things 50/50 will involve. That’s why I’m annoyed as well

He wants 50/50 but won’t be there for sick days, school holidays, school pickups and drop offs…. He’s not willing to do the actual work involved. It’s simply to put me in my place and hurt me by taking the children away.

He’s not after claiming for a bedroom or benefits for one or both of them if he is currently out of work or something like that? Just seems odd that he wants this made official when the arrangement is generally working well and he’s only paying £10 a week anyway.

He’s not doing this from a child focused way. He’s doing it because he know he can and he knows his partner will pick up his slack. I’ll be at home where I can have my kids and do everything the way it has been. This isn’t because he thinks it’s the kids best interests, it’s in his best interests

He wants to "win".

You could try suggesting mediation and make it clear at mediation that he needs a plan for sick days etc.

The plus side of 50/50 is (it it is predictable) you can work long hours during those days and use it to build your career b

@YourSassyPanda possibly… maybe it means he can claim more benefits, won’t have to pay maintenance (which was rarely paid anyway) but I think it’s more to put me in my place and because he thinks women have too much say in regards to the kids

@pruningmybush at mediation am I able to ask who’s supposed to look after the kids while he works etc am I able to say it’s unfair that he wants 50/50 but is expecting someone else to do all the work

I'd tell him 'You do that. That's fine, you should totally go for what you think is right, whether it affects how settled the kids are or not. Whilst you are doing that I'll be informing UC of all the cash in hand jobs you are doing whilst claiming benefits, because that feels right to me'

Do you think he will actually go to court? Because threatening it and doing it are totally different things. Maybe he’s just threatening to get a reaction and maybe you shouldn’t rise to it.

He sounds like a knobhead but I think you’ve sort of shot yourself in the foot here by being so rigid about Christmas really. While he may be a twat, he sounds like he isn’t a bad dad and I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want to have his eldest children with him for Christmas.
With all that being said, do you think he’ll actually bother his arse to take you to court? It’s a lot of hassle.

With his regular pattern of contact it's likely he'll get what he wants so you have two options.

1. Let him have Christmas. The courts will absolutely let him have alternate Christmas days so you may as well get on board now. If you do, he may back off 50/50.
2. Start discussing the realities of 50/50. On his days he has to do pick up or drop off (or arrange childcare which may well be his partner). If children are sick he takes time off work. If they have activities he does the running around (or, again, his partner). He pays for half of trips, uniform etc. Sounds like he might be up for all that with his partner's help though and the court absolutely won't have a problem with his partner doing it. You don't get to have an opinion on his childcare arrangements any more than he would yours.

With my ex (who also left me for OW), we split Christmas so that one of has has Christmas Eve an Christmas Day morning till lunchtime, and the other had Christmas Day lunch and afternoon and Boxing Day. How about that as a “fair” way of splitting Christmas so that you each get some of Christmas Day? Only really works if you live reasonably close to each other though.

How are things financially, @Aintallsunshineandrainbows? Are you working? I think you need to consider what things would look like if the courts do rule 50/50.
I know it's not easy as that's what courts decided in my case but sometimes you have no choice but to just get on with it.
Obviously he has to work (as I'm assuming you do too) so not really fair to hold that "against" him.

What kind of 50/50 arrangement does he propose? He can't just have weekends and would have to cover more weekdays, school drop offs and pick ups. He is probably too lazy to go to court and his current partner may not want to parent 4 children every other week. You have been prioritising your DC but maybe you should consider splitting Christmas day (if you live nearby) if that is the only stumbling block. Pick your battles and don't feel that you're losing if you change your arrangements.

@Elektra1 that was what I was suggesting but that’s not what he wants, he wants the full day. Not only did he dismiss that I got a barage of abuse and told he will get his way

Can no one see that he has all this time with the kids and never had much bother from me. That it’s really unnecessary to up route the current routine when he has ample access to them when he wants and that he does actually have a decent co parent.

TBH I think this sounds like one of these situations which are so common on MN where the mother feels that she’s the one who should call all the shots. When in actual fact you should be equal parents

I hate these posts where the woman, and sorry to say it but it almost always is the woman, says “I allowed/I agreed/I decided” where the father is expected to just go along with it all.

I can see it when you have a deadbeat parent who never shows up or whatever but he doesn’t sound like that parent. And it’s absolutely not unreasonable for him to have wanted his children over Christmas every other year.

What’s important here is what’s best for the children. I was always of the view that the children don’t gain a more important parent when divorce happens. While I can see the downsides of 50/50, I also think this notion that men should just be expected to be happy with every other weekend and it be called visitation is awful.

@Aintallsunshineandrainbows But Courts are favourable to 50/50 set in stone as you are both equal parents.
What puts you off?

Why are you the one who dictates who sees the kids at Christmas?

No matter how much he broke your heart, he is just as much of their parent too.

The best compromise would be 1 year you get Xmas Eve and Xmas day 1st half of the day, then he gets the second half of the day and Boxing Day.
Then keep alternating each year.

You say you allow him to have extra time with the kids in the week etc but that sounds very much like you are in charge, when they are his kids too.

50/50 doesn’t always work for the kids but sometimes it can make things a lot easier too.

Why would you be against 50/50?
If he gets it then he’ll be fully responsible during that time and he’d have to step up.

@Tacohill I am wondering if she is concerned re finances? Unsure if OP works?