Threatened with 50/50 by ex h

[Aintallsunshineandrainbows]

Need a little advice with this from anyone who has went through this.
My ex partner left almost 4 years ago after getting another woman pregnant. Since he left he since had a second child with her.
I found it all incredibly difficult to process, I still have my moments now. Four months after leaving I was also diagnosed with cancer, thankfully after treatment so far all has been clear.
My ex has had a positive relationship with the kids who were 3&4 when he left.
For the first few weeks he was more interested in drinking and being with the new partner but after a while he began to have the kids every other weekend. He then requested a mid week overnight stay which I also agreed to.

So for the last 3 yrs he has the kids every other weekend Friday evening through to Sunday plus one mid week overnight stay and drops kids to school the following day. Only recently we both agreed to him having the kids on the Sunday night as well on his weekends and drops them to school on the Monday morning.

Me and his relationship isn’t fantastic all the time but I would say things have been amicable the majority of the time in regards to the children. There has been times during my schedule he’s asked if he can have the kids for a few hrs etc which most of the time I don’t mind. This leads us to Christmas gone by. Our current verbal agreement was that the kids would stay at home with me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (for the first 2 Christmas he requested to visit the kids Christmas morning, which was granted) then he’d take the kids Boxing Day and then have them for another 3-4 days over the Christmas period.

Leading up to Christmas gone by he requested the children for Christmas Day. I reminded him that what he initially told me when we separated was that the kids were to be here for Santa and then he’d take them Boxing Day and a few days afterwards. He wasn’t pleased, refused to help towards Santa gifts etc so I had to cover that myself. Then he threatened to take me to court for 50/50 custody, told me I’d too much control etc accused me of not allowing him to see the kids etc yet contact was never stopped. He also hadn’t paid child support from Nov 2025. He gives me £10 per week per child despite claiming benefits and working cash in hand. But never the less his regular contact still remained. Everything has been consistent for the kids despite any feelings I have. Nothing came of that threat until a few days ago he requested Christmas this yr. I said it could be discussed as in split the day but he wasn’t happy and threatened 50/50 again and told me he’s entitled to it and after that I’ll not receive a penny from him. He then paid up all the missed payments from November so I’m pretty sure this time it’s not a threat.

We always manage to discuss things and not to blow my own trumpet but I would say I’ve been a pretty good co parent with him. I’ve ensured the kids have a very good relationship with him and their other siblings and his partner. But my ex partner only has issues with me if I don’t follow along with what he wants. He doesn’t take into consideration the amount of times during my time where he’s requested extra days or hours with and it’s been fine 90% of the time. I do try to accommodate as much as I can as I don’t want arguments and don’t want an unhealthy dynamic with him or on the children. But it’s anytime I’m not willing to go with something he threatens me with court and 50/50 custody. He’s even told the children he’s going to court to see them more because their mum has more time that him etc. So keep in mind while he has the kids once every mid week and every other weekend, he still has access to the kids the majority of the time. We share taking kids to activities etc… so he actually sees them much more.

Therefore I don’t understand why he’s going to take me to court for 50/50. He works during the week so this means he won’t even be present a lot of time when the kids would be at his, I already know he’s going to leave the new partner to look after them while he works. I really feel as if this is just a tactic to punish me over Christmas and my nerves are through the roof. He genuinely has an ex partner who does work with him so much of the time, the kids have settled into this routine so well. I’ve been the one paying school things, lunches, clothing etc I do everything financially alone. I’ve been the one doing school homework, pick ups, hospital appointments etc, he just gets the “fun parenting” as I’d call it because I take care of everything else as the primary caregiver even during my sickness.

is he going to be granted 50/50 even though he’s got a very good established routine going these last 4 years?? And the kids are settled into it now. This is all because I won’t give him the full Christmas Day, even though he has them Boxing Day and up to 4 days after that. I’m so upset that he’s going to pull us through the court when he’s actually not dealing with a bitter baby mama or someone who’s preventing him seeing his kids or affecting his relationship with his kids. How would this be looked at? Like it’s clear from our communication that as a co parent I do work with him, I include him in everything. I feel like this is being done as punishment

Not without stitching himself up, he can't. He'd have to risk drawing attention to his cash in hand work. I doubt he'd even take her to court. 50 50 is too much work. He's just throwing his weight around and 2 can play that game.

If he was granted 50:50, then he may have a case to split the child benefit…..is that what he’s after?He would save his maintenance and get that on top….do you work OP?

The commonly suggested 50/50 split of xmas day itself isn't often that liked by the kid. It doesn't really feel like a proper day if you have to be moved halfway through, it's not particuarly relaxing. It might be fairer to the parents to both see their kids on Christmas day but you should talk to the children about what they want.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we already do all that, no issues there at all. We alternate all those things and kids are with me Mother’s Day and with him Father’s Day and his birthday. We also share their birthdays that each of us sees them and they have time with both of us on those days

Alternate Christmas days, the whole day and no swapping at lunch time, is the only fair way for the children. Moving at noon is adding in instability and is not good.
Work out when on Christmas Eve the time starts, lunch time is a good one here, and when the time ends on boxing day or on the 28th.
Then also alternate New Years Eve, so this is with the other parent.
Ask your kids if they want two Christmas days, and involve them in your new way to spend Christmas and New Years Eve.
He is their parent and would be given this in a court hearing. Better to agree than to risk 50:50.
And then watch his poor partner have to do it all

I alternate Xmas eve to Xmas day with my ex and I was going to really suggest you rethink it. I see you have now, but don't think of it as a ravour to your ex or even actually about being fair to him (even though actually, it is more fair).

We used to split the day but it was so unfair on DC! They didn't care which home they were in for the 25th (the other would basically have a redo with them anyway) but they did hate having to leave celebrations half way through whichever way round it was. So much happier the last few years.

@fartotheleftside i think putting it to the kids puts them in the middle of adult conflict or makes them feel guilty for choosing one over the other, I wouldn’t like to put the kids in that position. They love us both equally. Plus I’d never like to see the kids pick one parent over the other even though the dad has done this by involving the children by telling them he’s going to take me to court etc or telling them mum stops me seeing yous… but I also understand that’s come from moments he’s angered with me. But I don’t think it’s fair to ask the children. I think everyone is right and sort out that the kids be with him this Christmas. It’ll be a tough Christmas for me 😭 but I simply want what’s best for the kids and I don’t want any aggro

My ex does this regularly! Everytime he doesn’t get his own way he throws the 50/50 threat in. It’s meaningless because I will always do what is best for our kids - and that is what a court would look at too. It’s all focused on what is best for them, and what they want (more weight is given to their preferences the older they get but I believe they usually hear their views from a youngish age)

In terms of Christmas, we’ve always alternated to keep it fair - so one does Xmas Eve to Christmas day evening, then the other Christmas Day evening to Boxing Day.

Good luck, easier said than done but try not to stress ❤️

What way do yous think is best to work it in regards to Christmas as in how should we work the schedule

@MCF86 i think you’re correct, moving them about during the day wouldn’t be fair on them. Best to let them have the full day at either house so they aren’t feeling stuck in the middle of it all

When you say you share their birthdays, do you mean your ex comes over, you split the day, go out somewhere, or do you pop over his house to see your kids?

No this is not nearly 50:50

@Babyboomtastic no no, they spend a few hours with me then a few hours with dad depending on who’s day it is with the kids and go back to that house. They get two cakes that day and their gifts at both homes

Ok, likewise they'll get 2 Christmases from now on I guess. It sounds like there is a good grounding for 50-50 here tbh and the kids seem happy with him. The issue is that you are going to miss them, more than it not being in their best interests I feel.

Proposal one week off one week on split birthdays alternate Christmas and new year you both get a weekend so you both get to be the fun parent

Tell him your looking forward to it...

Even if he didn’t get 50/50 he will get shared Christmas. Children should have the opportunity to spend special occasions with both parents.

This. The issue arose when you unilaterally decided you were having the children for Christmas day every year. That wasn't fair, if until now you've had them christmas eve and Christmas day then actually he was a bit overdue to have them for a christmas day and it was not an unreasonable request.

You claim he's doing this to put you in your place and punish you but actually you are doing that every bit as much as he is?

It’s 50/50 at the minute he just wants a say on Xmas, which as he has show he can do it’ll be granted.

I suspect if you are agreeable it will take the wind out of his sails. Call his bluff. Tell him you’re totally up for 50/50 and suggest that you do one week each with a change over on Sunday night. Will he really want to step up to that? Ask him what he wants to do for Christmas, birthdays and the rest and say you’re happy to agree something that’s a fair share. If he gets Christmas Day one year you get the next etc It’s worked really well for birthdays and Father’s Day etc so far your preference is to keep to that but what does he think…Make him feel heard and come across as agreeable. Get it in writing and later down the line if he really did go to court you will be reasonableness personified. If he is really seeking 50/50 a court will likely be sympathetic. They are his kids too. For that reason, don’t let him threaten 50/50 as a stick to beat you with. Embrace it and see what happens. With the piddly maintenance you are getting you’ll likely be better off too if he is having to buy school uniform, feed them etc. I suspect he might back off. But if it goes ahead- make it really fair so he is sharing the load, sick days, activity costs and organisation and all and see how it plays out.

On a separate note just dob him in for fraud for working and claiming benefits, it’s not on.

This. Exactly this. With the standing arrangement you have of mothers / fathers days.

And the being positive os crucial. You think this 50/50 would work very well for you now you have considered it.

Also, Christmas is season, not a day. So celebrate the full 12 days so it matters less.

You should be sharing Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Day and birthdays.
if you think Boxing Day and three days after is ok, then you have that. You can’t stick to the same routine forever based on what you said when you first split up. Your kids need the chance to have these days with their dad as well, you’ve got to put them at the forefront. They will get used to change, but you need to be positive about it. Courts aren’t interested in the financial aspect when it comes to child contact arrangements, they used to be very strict that financial and contact arrangements were treated completely separately.

Look up parental alienation and make sure you’re not falling into it as that is a terrible situation and very unfair on the children.

Ultimately, he’s their dad, and should have access to them which both the children and he deserve, irrespective of his financial contribution - that’s another separate issue. How much contact you can control to a degree when discussing his ability to do 50/50 in reality.

You could ask him for contributions towards school trips, school dinners, uniforms, sports equipment, activities, show him what kind of money you are spending. Give him the opportunity to contribute and see if he does.

remember you’ve got a long time co-parenting apart and you can make it easier or build up long term issues that will affect you, him and the kids long term.

Ive been there, got the T-shirt and having another ten years of arguing and anticipating disagreements, is not a nice way to live. And it’s damaging to the children. Don’t think they don’t see things or aren’t aware. And they will remember when they are adults and can ask why dad wasn’t allowed to see them at his home on Christmas Day.

You're doing very well. Often arrangements end up in court because one person will take up a 'stance' and refuse to budge. Family court really isn't how people imagine. The judge is looking for compromise and for both parents to put the children at the centre, so avoid anything like 'I think ' 'I've decided' etc also family court don't give a damn if maintenance isn't paid. Children aren't 'pay to view'
If you can discuss what he'd like, what you'd like and somehow meet in the middle, then you won't need court. If he genuinely wants more time, then that's with the understanding that's he's taking on everything that time brings with it (even if he then delegates it to his girlfriend)
You really will look back and realise there's a lot of things that simply aren't a mountain to die on, even though they very much feel like it at the time. I divorced when my ds was 2, then went through the heart ache of contact arrangements for 16 years. Ds is now 24, realises his dad is a useless waste of space, life carries on. Fighting cancer as well, you're incredible and don't you forget it!