Threatened with 50/50 by ex h

[Aintallsunshineandrainbows]

Need a little advice with this from anyone who has went through this.
My ex partner left almost 4 years ago after getting another woman pregnant. Since he left he since had a second child with her.
I found it all incredibly difficult to process, I still have my moments now. Four months after leaving I was also diagnosed with cancer, thankfully after treatment so far all has been clear.
My ex has had a positive relationship with the kids who were 3&4 when he left.
For the first few weeks he was more interested in drinking and being with the new partner but after a while he began to have the kids every other weekend. He then requested a mid week overnight stay which I also agreed to.

So for the last 3 yrs he has the kids every other weekend Friday evening through to Sunday plus one mid week overnight stay and drops kids to school the following day. Only recently we both agreed to him having the kids on the Sunday night as well on his weekends and drops them to school on the Monday morning.

Me and his relationship isn’t fantastic all the time but I would say things have been amicable the majority of the time in regards to the children. There has been times during my schedule he’s asked if he can have the kids for a few hrs etc which most of the time I don’t mind. This leads us to Christmas gone by. Our current verbal agreement was that the kids would stay at home with me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (for the first 2 Christmas he requested to visit the kids Christmas morning, which was granted) then he’d take the kids Boxing Day and then have them for another 3-4 days over the Christmas period.

Leading up to Christmas gone by he requested the children for Christmas Day. I reminded him that what he initially told me when we separated was that the kids were to be here for Santa and then he’d take them Boxing Day and a few days afterwards. He wasn’t pleased, refused to help towards Santa gifts etc so I had to cover that myself. Then he threatened to take me to court for 50/50 custody, told me I’d too much control etc accused me of not allowing him to see the kids etc yet contact was never stopped. He also hadn’t paid child support from Nov 2025. He gives me £10 per week per child despite claiming benefits and working cash in hand. But never the less his regular contact still remained. Everything has been consistent for the kids despite any feelings I have. Nothing came of that threat until a few days ago he requested Christmas this yr. I said it could be discussed as in split the day but he wasn’t happy and threatened 50/50 again and told me he’s entitled to it and after that I’ll not receive a penny from him. He then paid up all the missed payments from November so I’m pretty sure this time it’s not a threat.

We always manage to discuss things and not to blow my own trumpet but I would say I’ve been a pretty good co parent with him. I’ve ensured the kids have a very good relationship with him and their other siblings and his partner. But my ex partner only has issues with me if I don’t follow along with what he wants. He doesn’t take into consideration the amount of times during my time where he’s requested extra days or hours with and it’s been fine 90% of the time. I do try to accommodate as much as I can as I don’t want arguments and don’t want an unhealthy dynamic with him or on the children. But it’s anytime I’m not willing to go with something he threatens me with court and 50/50 custody. He’s even told the children he’s going to court to see them more because their mum has more time that him etc. So keep in mind while he has the kids once every mid week and every other weekend, he still has access to the kids the majority of the time. We share taking kids to activities etc… so he actually sees them much more.

Therefore I don’t understand why he’s going to take me to court for 50/50. He works during the week so this means he won’t even be present a lot of time when the kids would be at his, I already know he’s going to leave the new partner to look after them while he works. I really feel as if this is just a tactic to punish me over Christmas and my nerves are through the roof. He genuinely has an ex partner who does work with him so much of the time, the kids have settled into this routine so well. I’ve been the one paying school things, lunches, clothing etc I do everything financially alone. I’ve been the one doing school homework, pick ups, hospital appointments etc, he just gets the “fun parenting” as I’d call it because I take care of everything else as the primary caregiver even during my sickness.

is he going to be granted 50/50 even though he’s got a very good established routine going these last 4 years?? And the kids are settled into it now. This is all because I won’t give him the full Christmas Day, even though he has them Boxing Day and up to 4 days after that. I’m so upset that he’s going to pull us through the court when he’s actually not dealing with a bitter baby mama or someone who’s preventing him seeing his kids or affecting his relationship with his kids. How would this be looked at? Like it’s clear from our communication that as a co parent I do work with him, I include him in everything. I feel like this is being done as punishment

What do you mean ‘can no one see’? What’s the point in asking if you are so sure you’re right and everyone else is wrong? We can ‘see’ what information you’ve provided for us. Also, it clearly isn’t the time he wants with the kids given he’s asking, repeatedly, for more and you’re saying no. ‘Ample access when he wants’ isn’t strictly speaking true, is it?

Tbh in this one you sound like you think you’re doing him a favour giving “all this time” with the kids and if it does go to court that won’t go down well.

Courts are very into 50/50 atm and if he does go he’s very likely to win. Even if he went for his current arrangement plus alternate Christmas he is likely to win.

You’d be far better agreeing to alternate Christmases at this point as it’s going to happen anyway.

You keep referring to him “swanning off to work”. Do you not work?

How about try a different tactic and say that's fair you have them for christmas, can you do 24th til the 30th as I can go away with my friend to her house in Spain (or whatever). He'll possibly change his tune if he thinks you're getting the best of it.

Why shouldn’t he have the full Christmas Day with them when you’ve already had the pleasure of that many times?

@Tacohill i work p/t and still in recovery from cancer

Why can’t he have them at Christmas?
It’s not only your decision.
Just make it clear if he gets 50/50 he does sick days and appointments on his days.
He may have to use childcare for work, who has the kids while you’re at work ?

@Aintallsunshineandrainbows Do you receive any benefits? What's your current housing situation?

I think you are being unreasonable about Christmas - they've been at yours (albeit with him attending as a guest for the first 2) for 3 consecutive years, no wonder he'd like them at his. Also, surely you both independently do Santa gifts which you give at each of your houses, unless you are all together on Christmas morning - of course he's not going to be funding yours 🙄.

It does come across like you think you should hold the power, most of the time etc, because you're mum. To me, for the most part he sounds ok, and has been making time for them. If he doesn't step up when it's 50-50, then revisit, but his proposal sounds reasonable to me.

@SemperIdem yes I work pt as I’m still in cancer recovery unfortunately. I say swan away off to work because he’s both working illegally and claiming benefits and telling me he’s unable to afford his £20 per week payment to support his kids. Also I’m not stating he’s a bad dad I don’t think I’d ever say that. I’m just trying to explain he wants 50/50 but won’t be there to do the 50/50

also to the comments saying I “allow” him what I mean by that is that there’s never anything from me stopping him seeing the kids. I don’t actually mean he needs to ask my permission I’m simply trying to say we can work pretty well together that’s all

Report him to UC then, you don't seem to have anything to.lose

I think splitting Xmas days is awful for the kids. Just agree to alternate Xmas'.

You have had a really awful time and I think your resilience is remarkable.
I do think you have been a little unreasonable with your unwillingness to share Christmas a little more fairly and I can see why your ex would be annoyed by providing Christmas presents he didn’t get the opportunity to see his children open.
I would propose that you do future Christmases as a 50:50 split. One has them Christmas Eve until lunch time Christmas Day then the other has them from lunch time on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. This would need to be alternate each year to be fair.
I think you’ve done so well to coparent all this time that it would be a shame for that to come to an abrupt end. Ask to meet him and discuss calmly exactly what he wants and how you might make changes for this to improve.

thats why I made this thread… it was more to get outside perspective rather than me being biased or so I could be told if I was out of hand which I can clearly see a lot of you agree with. So I appreciate this. I will make the arrangements with him. I just thought it seemed fair we split the day alternating each yr. I appreciate everyone’s input. I need to accept that it’s only fair he does have the full day which I will now sort out with him

Do the DC like being with their dad? Do they have a positive relationship? If so, I don't think it's reasonable to obstruct a 50/50 arrangement, really. Christmases can be alternated each year, too.

If he really is only doing it to get at you, rather than out of wanting to be more involved in their lives, he'll soon get fed up of 50/50 and request it goes back to what it is now.

I understand now, thank you for clarifying.

Honestly, I would compromise on Christmas if there is really a chance he is going to take you to court for 50:50. It does feel petty considering he works full time and you are currently part time, as you have said it isn’t as though your children will benefit from seeing him more should the arrangement change to 50:50. They’ll just see their step mother more.

I have always alternated Christmas with my ex husband: one year one of us has our child Christmas Eve until Christmas lunch and then they go to the other. Do I massively love the set up? Not really, but it really does work for our child. Whether that remains the case as they get older, who knows.

I hope your recovery continues to go well.

Hi op
I really empathize I have a similar personality ex and I think you’re a great mum and coparent.
in your shoes, I would say in writing - please talk me through how your proposed new schedule would work for the children, what would their week and school nights look like? What about if one is sick from school or has an appointment?
he will either evade that question or give the job to his new partner, or admit he’ll expect you to do it.
youll have this as evidence in court if needed.

He’ll have to mediate with you if he wants to go to court.

if you really want to avoid court you’ll have to be flexible with Xmas. I know it’s not fair and you deserve to have your children with you, but they have the ‘right’ to experience some christmases with their half siblings too. I would offer collect on Xmas morning (so you can still do Santa with them) and if he pushes for Xmas Eve too then fine, you just move Xmas a day earlier in your home and Santa visits on the 23rd and you do presents and lunch and crackers on the 24th and he collects them that evening. You’ve done quite well to have them for all Xmas days so far. I also don’t think he should contribute to presents that he can’t see them open- keep that separate from now on. It will be sad for you being away from them on Xmas day but make a nice plan for yourself, either a Xmas meal wit family, or a bubble bath and long walk and pamper type day.

He probably won’t get his way if that’s your proposal, and almost certainly not in time for this Christmas (have you seen how long waiting times for a court hearing are?). I would remain calm and reasonable, keep everything tied to what’s best for the kids, and remember that anything you write in a text or email might ultimately end up before a judge. Keep it neutral.

I would ask questions
how will it look? Why is that better for them than being in their current routine?

there might be SOMETHING they would enjoy eg if the new gf does pizza making on Tuesdays with them, maybe they could go on that night too and enjoy it? And you could do a Pilates class and sauna and have a rest? Or work extra hours to make up for his zero child maintenance?

you can also ask about homework and laundry and doctors trips - would she do that for them while looking after the little ones?

It’s interesting you see this as a control thing from him OP but you can’t seem to see that it is actually quite controlling of you to dictate you ALWAYS get Christmas?

Call his bluff. Tell him to go for it but if he does, HMRC are going to get a tip off to check into his finances. See how much contact he gets when he's banged up for fraud. Prick.

Ps while you’re at it with Xmas day, you may also want to alternate Easter Sunday, Halloween and bonfire night if you celebrate and birthdays and ensure mother and Father’s Day is with the correct parent. It’s likely (hopefully) he’ll want your kids to attend his little kids bdays.

This is blackmail he could get her arrested for that, he would also use it to paint her as a coercive controller in court and may try to get the kids for even longer so op has to pay child maintenance. It’s ALWAYS best to avoid family court if safe to do so.

I’d be tempted to be very enthusiastic about this idea and say you’ve been hoping he’d suggest it for some tlme because you’d like to do a course/triathlon/pole dancing class.

Then spell out in writing what that means.

I think you need evidence of him working as this will impact the courts view if it comes to it, I wonder if you can find a way to shop him once the dust has settled on this argument so he doesn’t know who’s done it.

I would be flexible about Christmas and try to calm him down, don’t get into a power struggle with him because going through court is horrendously stressful and you need to prioritise your health and your nervous system, and the courts favour men in situations like this (I’m not saying he will get what he wants, but they will give you a rough a ride and be much more generous towards him than is fair).

He’s obviously an actual bag of shit for not giving you proper money for his kids, what a cunt. in the end the kids will see him for what he is unfortunately.

As someone who has been through multiple rounds of family court hearings and cancer, I strongly advise you To just hold your nose and be nice for now. Couple more years and it will be much harder for him to do this

again, he’s a cunt