My niece’s behavior drives me crazy

[olyaro]

Due to some family circumstances, my sister has moved to the town where I live. I understand how difficult it must be for her to change countries, and I’m doing everything I can to support her and help her and my niece navigate this transition.

However, what has been happening between my daughter (aged 2) and my niece (aged 4) has been bothering me for some all the time. My sister’s parenting style is very different from mine. She tends to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting her daughter, avoids her crying at all costs, and often shrugs off misbehaviour. She constantly tries to please her and gives her whatever she wants just to prevent a tantrum.

Since they moved here, her daughter has been mean to mine. When we visit them, she won’t let my daughter play with her toys, snatches things out of her hands, screams in her face, and can hurt her when not supervised. As a result, my daughter, who is naturally cautious and quiet, is now afraid to touch anything that belongs to her.

When they interact, my niece doesn’t engage in any real back-and-forth play. She creates fantasy scenarios where my daughter is expected to do whatever she says, for example, wrapping a skipping rope around her neck and telling her where to go, or grabbing her hand and pulling her in a certain direction.

Today, she wouldn’t even allow my daughter to draw on a piece of paper, even though she had plenty of her own. In the end, she shouted, “I don’t want her (my daughter)to visit me anymore.” That really triggered me, especially because my sister seemed more upset that her daughter was crying than about the hurtful things she said to mine.

I feel angry that my daughter is being treated like a doll, and that my sister isn’t setting any boundaries. She says her daughter is too young for her words to be taken seriously and that I’m being unreasonable for correcting her( she won’t allow anyone to tell her off) Her nursery has no concerns, so I think she understands that she can get away with it at home. What would you do? I don’t want to cut them off and feel pretty uncomfortable to sort things out like that, but at the same time I want to protect my child

I would see her without my daughter for at least 6 months and then review things. If that’s means you see her less than so be it. You have to protect your daughter ultimately.

You're not protecting your child though. Poor little bugger too scared to do anything. I hope you stepped on when a rope was tied around her neck?!

Either tell your niece off whether her mother likes it or not and show your child you will defend her, or don't have them around each other.

That is all fairly normal 4 year old stuff (although she should be being corrected, not pacified when she says it). I imagine if she's just moved to another country she's probably also quite unsettled.

Just stop seeing them for a bit. It's really that simple. It doesn't need to be a big ceremonial 'cutting off' just see each other less or see each other without kids or see each other in a neutral space ideally where they can play separately.

Of course I did. Usually I watch like a hawk when they’re together. TBH how my niece plays is weird. She is talking nonsense all the time while playing, never had a real cooperative play with a child.

Your sister has had to move countries in difficult circumstances?

Don't focus on the parenting, even though it doesn't sound good.

Instead minimise contact between the girls and support your sister by visiting without your DD.

Why do you keep exposing your DD to this weird shit?

This
tell your sister why you aren’t letting them mix aswell and be totally honest

I’m so sorry your daughter is going through this.

A 4 year old shouldn’t be playing with a 2 year old. The 2 year is basically a baby. I am gob smacked that you have been a spectator of all this and continued to keep coming back for more.

the 4 year old isn’t to blame. The 2 year old isn’t to blame.

We have a niece who we see rarely due to her behaviour. She is rude, unpleasant, demanding and cries if she doesn’t get her own way.

my children are older so it doesn’t affect them but she spoils every family occasion she attends.

not for us, we would rather have little contact.

Your neice is 4. 4!!! She’s not being “weird”

Nonsense

i have a 2 year gap between my children and at that age played perfectly well with each other.

A 2 year old didn’t “play” with anyone.
They play side by side and cooperative play begins around 4

That’s a good question. I think I may have gone too far trying to help them. We were quite close, but it’s becoming clear that our parenting styles don’t really align. I’d like to tell her that the way she’s parenting might not be in her daughter’s best interests, but it will only make her furious

Are you close with your sister? Loving and happy relationship?

How old are your children and a niece?

Whichever way you cut it, this is not going to go well. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place and the only option for you is to protect your child. That means distancing yourself and keeping your little girl safe, happy, and away from her cousin.

Your sister will have to work things out for herself.

Has your niece had opportunities to socialise with your children? Some parents don't realise how beneficial it is for children to spend time other children. I would step back and not visit as often if I was you.

I imagine your niece has had a very tumultuous start in like?

I work in early years , I know how it works.

however, my 2 yr old did play with their sibling.

And I’m going to guess adult children now?

so if In early years you’ll know that cooperative play is usually around 4

Niece is 8, my children are early 20s and just raise an eye brow at her behaviour as they know they wouldn’t get away with behaving like she does.

she is an average 8 year old who is spoiled rotten .

This is a 4 year old who appears to hav had significant upheaval in her short life

Ok you know my children better than I do who did actually witness them playing together, sharing toys, etc.

Usually cooperative play is around about 3 but can happen earlier.

Simply avoid contact. Your little one is having a miserable and potentially dangerous time when you see your sister. So don’t see your sister when she has her daughter with her. No drama needed, no big arguments, no disparaging comments about your niece or your sister's parenting style. Just say you feel you daughter is too young to play with her cousin at the moment and it’s no fun for either of them, so it’s easier to see your sister when her daughter is at school / kindergarten.

Don’t attempt to offer advice re your sister’s decisions regarding her daughter, it won’t be well received. Just be there as a quiet support when needed. Hopefully once your sister and niece have found their feet and settled into a new routine things will get easier, and your sister will be able to put boundaries and discipline in place. If after the settling in period things don’t improve then your sister isn’t doing her daughter any favours in the long run, and your sister and her daughter will struggle to find friendships, because no parent wants their child hurt, and will avoid them.
Your niece talking in her ‘own language’ or fantasy play is completely normal as part of developing imaginary play.

Ah yes, I see adult