My niece’s behavior drives me crazy

[olyaro]

Due to some family circumstances, my sister has moved to the town where I live. I understand how difficult it must be for her to change countries, and I’m doing everything I can to support her and help her and my niece navigate this transition.

However, what has been happening between my daughter (aged 2) and my niece (aged 4) has been bothering me for some all the time. My sister’s parenting style is very different from mine. She tends to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting her daughter, avoids her crying at all costs, and often shrugs off misbehaviour. She constantly tries to please her and gives her whatever she wants just to prevent a tantrum.

Since they moved here, her daughter has been mean to mine. When we visit them, she won’t let my daughter play with her toys, snatches things out of her hands, screams in her face, and can hurt her when not supervised. As a result, my daughter, who is naturally cautious and quiet, is now afraid to touch anything that belongs to her.

When they interact, my niece doesn’t engage in any real back-and-forth play. She creates fantasy scenarios where my daughter is expected to do whatever she says, for example, wrapping a skipping rope around her neck and telling her where to go, or grabbing her hand and pulling her in a certain direction.

Today, she wouldn’t even allow my daughter to draw on a piece of paper, even though she had plenty of her own. In the end, she shouted, “I don’t want her (my daughter)to visit me anymore.” That really triggered me, especially because my sister seemed more upset that her daughter was crying than about the hurtful things she said to mine.

I feel angry that my daughter is being treated like a doll, and that my sister isn’t setting any boundaries. She says her daughter is too young for her words to be taken seriously and that I’m being unreasonable for correcting her( she won’t allow anyone to tell her off) Her nursery has no concerns, so I think she understands that she can get away with it at home. What would you do? I don’t want to cut them off and feel pretty uncomfortable to sort things out like that, but at the same time I want to protect my child

Do the tiniest bit of research… cooperative play is usually 4-5

Your sisters parenting sounds overly permissive and indulgent but YABU about your niece's play. At 4 they are in their own world, they talk nonsense, they make up all sorts of imagined stuff and they are essentially narcissists. Others exist on their terms and to facilitate their existence. Part of them growing up and learning to socialise is losing that sense of being the centre of the universe.

My niece has had upheaval in her life too but mum now over compensates for it as do grandparents , aunts and uncles,

it’s not nice to watch .

Describing you nieces way of play as “weird” is unfair

Wow
are you as rude as this in real life? Or just because you are hidden behind a screen?

recently moved countries In unhappy circumstances

4 years old

the op thinks she’s weird because she talks to herself

I don’t think so. She settled in pretty smoothly. She always has been like this, strong willed, bossy, dominant

Suggesting someone does some research is not rude.

She has moved countries in unhappy circumstances.

I will leave you to it. You don’t like a very young child. She’s not weird. And totally normal to be bossy at 4. But your dislike of her is clear

Do not tell her this.

Either be supportive, or back off.

Suggesting to someone who’s job involves working with 2-5 years olds on a daily basis and has up to date qualifications and continually develops their knowledge through research, reading, training courses etc is rude!

I’ve worked in early years for numerous years and have 2 adult children of my own.

would you tell a lawyer to go and do some research or would you tell an accountant to go and do more research?

if you want to show them how to play by getting down on your hands and knees and joining it you will be able to let them follow your lead and take turns and show them how play is supposed to work.

I’m perfectly calm.

i just find you very rude.

i also know quite a few rude and dominant children through my work.

Research is generalised. People know their own children. I have a 14 month old who plays very well with his older sister and is already very good at sharing and taking turns, so I can absolutely see a 2 year old being able to do it.

Sounds reasonable. Thank you

Some very odd responses here OP, as though it is unacceptable to let 4 year olds and 2 year olds play together, and as though you are unreasonable to visit your sister

If I were you I would make it clear to your sister that you will be pulling niece up when she hurts or is unkind to your daughter and vice versa, and if sister is not ok with that then explain it’s best if you meet up without the children from now on.

I get the impression it’s not your niece who you dislike (although the behaviour is unpleasant) but it’s pissing you off that your sister is allowing her to behave that way.

I would just reflect the sisters energy. She doesn't want to upset the daughter, ok, so dont visit. That's whats upsetting her? Problem solved.

I agree just meet them when your daughter is elsewhere. Say they're not getting on and are both getting upset so it's best they don't play together for a bit and hopefully it's a passing stage.

She won't take it well if you comment negatively on her parenting.

TBH a bossy 4 yr old and a shy 2yr old are never going to have a lovely happy playdate or be best pals are they regardless of each child's parents approach to child rearing.

They're just not compatible little characters at the moment. 🤷 Leave it at that with your sister and save your daughter these interactions that are absolutely no good for her.

Does your niece got to school, nursery, or to a childminders? Is she like this with other children?

As per @mazedasamarchhares post. Reduce contact dont bother trying to highlight your sisters parenting shortfalls. Do safeguard your child "No niece. We dont snatch or hit. I know you want your toy back and I'll get it but you need to wait."
"No niece dont do that. Its unkind."
"In our house we dont do X"

I'll be honest though. For family events and what not where they have to be in contact I'd have a few tricks up my sleeve (by that i mean toys and snacks in my pocket...)

So when she wont share you produce something more exciting for your dd and steer her away to play elsewhere ...if you are feeling generous one for madam too once she says please.
Doesn't have to be big.... Kids go bonkers for simpek things...balloons, little pull back cars, glow in the dark bracelets, fairy wand, bubbles....

It’s quite normal behaviour for a 4 year old and it’s also quite normal for 4 yr olds and 2 yr olds to not actually ‘play’ together. They ‘play’ alongside each other at that age rather than together.

I’m very curious about it. My sister never mentioned about any problems at preschool. She either behaves differently there or they just don’t bother to mention this as long as she is not dangerous physically. She’s the youngest in her group, so I suppose she is not so brave with snatching with older ones

Your options are:

See your sister without your daughter.
Have them come to yours and play the “my house , my rules” card.
Meet up outside(park, soft play, cafes , swimming) where the children can be together, but not necessarily have to interact.
A mix of all of the above.

This is one of those situations that needs the "I don't think our kids are getting on at the moment" excuse.