My niece’s behavior drives me crazy

[olyaro]

Due to some family circumstances, my sister has moved to the town where I live. I understand how difficult it must be for her to change countries, and I’m doing everything I can to support her and help her and my niece navigate this transition.

However, what has been happening between my daughter (aged 2) and my niece (aged 4) has been bothering me for some all the time. My sister’s parenting style is very different from mine. She tends to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting her daughter, avoids her crying at all costs, and often shrugs off misbehaviour. She constantly tries to please her and gives her whatever she wants just to prevent a tantrum.

Since they moved here, her daughter has been mean to mine. When we visit them, she won’t let my daughter play with her toys, snatches things out of her hands, screams in her face, and can hurt her when not supervised. As a result, my daughter, who is naturally cautious and quiet, is now afraid to touch anything that belongs to her.

When they interact, my niece doesn’t engage in any real back-and-forth play. She creates fantasy scenarios where my daughter is expected to do whatever she says, for example, wrapping a skipping rope around her neck and telling her where to go, or grabbing her hand and pulling her in a certain direction.

Today, she wouldn’t even allow my daughter to draw on a piece of paper, even though she had plenty of her own. In the end, she shouted, “I don’t want her (my daughter)to visit me anymore.” That really triggered me, especially because my sister seemed more upset that her daughter was crying than about the hurtful things she said to mine.

I feel angry that my daughter is being treated like a doll, and that my sister isn’t setting any boundaries. She says her daughter is too young for her words to be taken seriously and that I’m being unreasonable for correcting her( she won’t allow anyone to tell her off) Her nursery has no concerns, so I think she understands that she can get away with it at home. What would you do? I don’t want to cut them off and feel pretty uncomfortable to sort things out like that, but at the same time I want to protect my child

Depends if you're only regarding 'playing together' as engaging in the same game/role play etc.

I have a 3.5 yo girl and my sister's little boy is just about to turn 2 and obviously they have the odd squabble but they do play together in the general sense. They run up and down together, put the swords in Pop-up Pirate together, dance together etc. So no, they wouldn't sit down and play with, I don't know, Barbies together or whatever yet, but they definitely do engage and entertain each other. It is possible at their young ages.

Just say to your sister that your children are not getting on at the moment, so you’ll see her one on one for the foreseeable future. Absolutely no need to comment on her parenting, or demonstrate your evident dislike of your niece.

It comes across very very strongly that you don’t like your niece. You describe normal 4 year old chatting away as you play behaviour as “weird”.

And why didn’t you bring toys for your 2 year old? 4 is still young & it’s not usual not to want to share toys, children are still leaning. Having a younger child go at your toys is quite annoying for an older child.