How to respond kindly to a friend’s anxious, judgemental parenting comments?

[Lincolnlemons]

I recently made friends with another first time mum who is really lovely but I’m finding her anxiety over everything really exhausting and judgemental.

She’s particularly anxious about germs so when we’re at a baby class, she’ll wince and whisper worriedly to me “I hate to think how many other kids have touched that” any time her toddler picks up a toy. I can understand the anxiety to a degree but I think this is OTT and it’s starting to impact my experience with my LO at these classes.

This extends to food, clothes, anything parenting related and sometimes I find it hard not to take it personally. For example, she’ll ask me “are you not worried about X” and if I say not really, she’ll look really horrified.

She is lovely and I really enjoy our friendship but I’m finding this aspect increasingly difficult so looking for any advice on how to politely shut down or redirect these conversations?

I have a friend a bit like this, I think don't let it ruin your friendship. Just respond honestly 'oh no I'm not bothered a bit of germs are good for them!' 'ive heard once they start crawling they'll be licking the floor and all sorts so best get them used to it now'

It might be helpful for her to hear a more 'balanced' approach and realize her anxieties are just that, anxieties

Just say “no not really” when you get the whining, or the mn tinkly laugh “ooo wait till she starts nursery! The GERMS they share and the mess they come home in!”

Can you reframe it in your head and think how lucky you are not to be driven by anxiety like she is? To think how stressful her life must be to worry about all these tiny inconsequential things?

if you start to feel sorry for her and grateful for your own attitude you might find her less irritating??

You say kindly, you need to get a grip and stop worrying over every little thing. Nip it in the bud now or she will only get worse.

I have a friend like this. Our kids are older but she's now worrying about things like the meningitis outbreak and how much GCSE revision her DC should be going. I just let it wash over me and nod sympathetically.

I have a friend like this. When she made a comment I said ‘builds a stronger immune system!’ With a big smile. Yes, she looked horrified but she hasn’t ever said anything germ related again! :))

Thanks everyone, really helpful suggestions! I thought parenting would be challenging enough but navigating other parents is a whole new world too haha

I hadn’t thought about it like this, really helpful thank you!

I would just reply totally honestly with what whatever response I think relevant yes germa are everywhere or it will do no harm or builds immune systems or it is more healthy for a child not to be obsessed with gets as they grow

If it keeps up i couldn't stay friends she is too intense and yes she has issues but I couldn't be her therapist friends are not meant to be one way

I think youve had good advice so far. If you like her and generally get on well, then see this as something you can maybe help her a bit with. By being clear that you don’t see it the same way, you’re giving her a good example that will hopefully help her be a bit more balanced. These things can be tricky when you feel as if you should have the same view but if you are cool with your own position you can just let it pass you by.

I hear what you’re saying but I think there’s very limited scope to influence or provide balance, partly because her LO is older than mine so she probably doesn’t see me as that experienced and she’s very stuck in her ways. I do really like her though so will try to let this wash over and not be drawn into the same anxieties.

I found that almost all my friends who had this anxiety had either pre-term babies or babies who had been very poorly. It's a natural sort of trauma response.

I agree with the ideas about re-framing it in your head: your healthier reaction will make her think, over time.

Also, maybe ask yourself why it bothers you so much. There's a vast array of differences in parenting, and this is just one of them. Try and let it wash over you a bit more!

Anything people cant stop talking about would bother me, new mums can be an anxiety ridden as they want they dont need to comment to others about it

There is a difference

I would find new friends. I met another new mum with my first who lived close by we hung out for abit when our babies were tiny she seemed nice then I realised she was actually totally insane <backed away slowly>

I would be gently asking her if she’s thought about discussing this with her health visitor and then not mentioning it again. Like others have said, plenty of ways to ignore it

I had a friend like this, I think she was just incredibly anxious but my dp’s favourite story is how we all had coffee together and while she sterilised the table her baby crawled to the buggy wheel and starting licking it. We stopped him of course.

its horrible having anxiety though.

I’d say it bothers me because when we’re at baby classes, she’s telling me everything she’s worried about there which takes my focus away from enjoying the class with my LO

then I realised she was actually totally insane <backed away slowly>

This is hilarious and very relatable!

That is where i would have a problem if a friend wanted to spend the whole time cleaning that is their call i dont need commentary on it all

If you aren't enjoying her company, then find other friends. That's okay.

Nothing you say is going to change her thought processes, so this is just the way it will be.

My friend group just dealt with this using humour. "I wonder how many children have sucked that toy already?" "Well I expect some of them are here with their children, so let's ask them!"

If this isn't the sort of casual dynamic you have, then you don't have to be friends.

I am like your friend, and like pp said it sometimes is a trauma response (also had a preemie). Some people have anxiety unrelated to that though (in my case it turned up the volume of something that was already there)
I really understand how this must spoil you being in the moment, I would give everything to be able to be like that and have been working hard on being a more relaxed parent. Maybe that is something you could gently bring up? How you want that peace and calm for her and her LO too?
Because i can say from experience that it really has had an impact for my children to grow up around a nervous mother and I want different for them.

I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been for you ❤I can absolutely see how that could turn up any underlying anxiety.

Another reason I find this difficult is because my mother was incredibly anxious and always fretting which wasn’t just very limiting but created a lot of anxiety in me as well. I’ve been working really hard to address this (including therapy in the past) and feel I’m in a much better place with my LO so it’s difficult when it feels like I’m being pulled back into it.

I agree with @Goldfsh that I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will change her thought processes. My question was more around how other parents have navigated it. Reframing and using some of the responses to avoid engaging when the conversation goes down that route might be the way to go.

That’s a very funny story! Anxiety aside of course which I have a lot of sympathy for.

I had a friend like this - always late as well - but good fun to be round. Her child was a little older than mine as well.

In her case it was PND and possibly her own longer term ill health and eating disorder and frankly her parents being very controlling in background but she could be distracted and managed - going to place and she could join when she got there.

Like you I have an anxious parent and can worry to much so had to be very determined not to get drawn in - also helped there were other level headed mums around at groups.

We moved away with work in end but otherwise would have stayed in touch but with very firm ways of dealing - though my kids struggled in early school years ND/SEN issues so maybe we wouldn't as it was hard enough with other parents "helpful" unasked for advice and my own guilt and worry.

You’re right
I had a friend like this and it was a bit draining then I just said to her one day (as she got her antibac spray from under her pram and cleaned a high chair in a cafe!!) really!!!

if you do that they’ll get every germ going and build up no immune system - she looked shocked

her kids were always poorly and seemed to pick up every bug going as her house literally smelt like bleach