How to respond kindly to a friend’s anxious, judgemental parenting comments?

[Lincolnlemons]

I recently made friends with another first time mum who is really lovely but I’m finding her anxiety over everything really exhausting and judgemental.

She’s particularly anxious about germs so when we’re at a baby class, she’ll wince and whisper worriedly to me “I hate to think how many other kids have touched that” any time her toddler picks up a toy. I can understand the anxiety to a degree but I think this is OTT and it’s starting to impact my experience with my LO at these classes.

This extends to food, clothes, anything parenting related and sometimes I find it hard not to take it personally. For example, she’ll ask me “are you not worried about X” and if I say not really, she’ll look really horrified.

She is lovely and I really enjoy our friendship but I’m finding this aspect increasingly difficult so looking for any advice on how to politely shut down or redirect these conversations?

Well, then end the friendship, surely, if it's actively making your life worse? The only point of these maternity leave friendships is that there's someone else similarly in the trenches who makes your life slightly better at a time when you're tired and dealing with new parenthood. If she's not adding to the pleasure of your day to day existence, just don't see her again. It must be a very new friendship, so it's not like you're ditching someone you've been close to for decades.

If you don't want to do that, just say 'Not really, Mary -- good for the growing immune system!' and change the subject.

The old response was you eat a peck of dirt in your life.

But you do need to be a bit careful with toddlers everything they pick up goes in their mouths and they can pick up bugs easily from each other. Everyone has their own opinion from one extreme to the other. You could say something like mine has a strong constitution so I don't worry too much about the odd germ, turn it into a bit of a joke.

Children need to build up their immunity, so some exposure is absolutely essential! Of course if there’s something awful like meningitis B / measles et going around the area then I’d be taking out Milton wipes lol 😂

I had a mum friend who would literally use her hands to cover corners of furniture as our children toddled about. She would move around the room following them inhaling sharply and moving her hands to cover the corners of anything - coffee tables, worktop, sofa legs with hard edges, door handles. All whilst me and anyone else present sat on the sofa and chatted with a coffee. It was horrendous and I found her so stressful to be around because I couldn’t tell her to ‘just SIT DOWN’ which my body really wanted to do!!!
I stopped seeing her as regularly which was a shame but it was really so extreme. And not just about her own child but also everyone else’s.

I think that’s very brave and kind of you to post with that perspective.

I think your update OP that your mum was quite anxious, puts a new spin on the discussion and explains why it is bothering you so much. Sounds like you recognise the potential in yourself to go down this way of thinking, but have the insight from your own experience to know it’s not a healthy road, as @OyWithThePoodlesAlready84 confirms.

Have a friend that was like this, her daughter is now so anxious about getting ill and vomiting, she barely leaves the house or eats!!

I was never that fussy, my find got a great immune system, they need a level of dirt to build immune systems. Utterly sterile places are not good for you.

I'd laugh and say: "Honestly, Mary, when I think of all the dicks I've sucked with no ill effects, I'm not gonna start worrying about a few kids' toys." But that's me.

It's a perfectly legitimate (and funny) response!

We would get on very well 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Does she have any relevant history? My DC end up in hospital with every cold they get, so I’m super paranoid when I see children with runny noses or someone cough. Other parents will barely notice these things but it’s very much on my radar so I move away from other children who are snotty or coughing.

exactly this. I was like your friend, it wasn’t coming from a place of judgement I was really just suffering with PPA and a sick baby.

I also found it really hard that people like many of the posters here, were judging me for cleaning things, and said that is why my dc was sick because I wasn’t letting them build their immune system. I thought it was very cruel to say I was the reason my dc was sick. It was heartbreaking to see your baby so ill and know other people think it’s your fault.
No I didn’t start out like that but after multiple hospital stays I started trying to limit how much time we spent there and started suffering more severely with ppa.
I think just be kind op, feel sorry for her, tell her what you think too, it is good for her to hear more ‘rational’ thoughts, and also know anything she says is more about her than you. Maybe ask her a bit more probing questions about how she is, how much sleep she’s getting etc.
if you need to switch classes or take some time away from her though that’s fine too.

I wouldn't over think it, all have the ability to be annoying at times. I'd brush it off and as slightly irritating or just distance yourself a little if it gets too much.

When I had very young DC there was always a few women at baby group having a who is the most hygienic mother contest going on. As the months went on and we got to know each other better I did discover that the women with the germ obsessions all had other issues in their lives like husbands who were utter useless gobshites and were in unhappy relationships.

AFAIK I don’t think there have been any health issues but I wonder if they struggled to conceive based on other things she’s said. Of course completely understandable that she’d be more cautious if that is the case.

Shr is really lovely and I wouldn’t want to immediately distance myself over this one thing. I’m going to try not to entertain it too much e.g. “Personally I’m not too worried but each to their own”. I don’t think that will change how she approaches things but might signal that I’m not really interested in a deep dive on that topic.

I think her head would explode if I said this 😂

This. They will build up their immune system.

My mum died just before I gave birth to my first child. I was anxious about something happening to my baby and was a helicopter parent I suppose. But @Lincolnlemons I knew that it was my anxiety so I never talked to my mum friends about it except jokingly say "well you know me- I got to sterilise this" and they laughed and it wasn't a big deal. I think your friend is being obnoxious in trying to force you to share her anxiety and I would push back firmly. "The pediatrician explicitly told me that germs won't hurt my child- just build up his immune system. I always follow medical advice." Repeat ad nauseum.

Oh nooo. I had a friend who was like this - constantly hovering with her hands around her DD's head. It is extremely draining to be around.

Also met a mum at a baby group recently who had a giant fluffy backpack/pillow strapped to her newly sitting DD just in case she toppled over (on the multiple layers of carpet and play mat).

Edit to add: I do understand that anxiety is difficult to experience and I have my own issues with anxiety about certain things, which I working on. But it doesn't mean that the expressions of other people's anxieties aren't very hard work to deal with.

I think this is a nice way if you want to keep the friendship. She may really struggle, more than she lets on. And sometimes with health anxiety or contamination fears like this, hearing alternate perspectives is helpful to challenge your own catastrophic thinking!

Also this @Lincolnlemons
Its easy for people to say don’t be anxious - or stop fussing.

for example - at parties I hover around my 6yo DD watching everything she eats. If you didn’t know you would think I was a helicopter parent just fussing about healthy choices or whatever. But she actually has anaphylactic allergy responses so I have to be so careful she doesn’t pinch something off someone else’s plate as the things she is allergic to are in lots of kids treats!

Really helpful responses thanks everyone. It’s not her anxieties I object to (I definitely have my own), it’s more the constant chat about them and what feels like them being pushed onto me that’s hard.

I think that once you are further along on the parenting journey you will also gain more experience with people that have differing parenting styles, some who will be very vocal or performative, and you will figure out how to follow your own path with your LO without having to hurt their feelings. In this particular example it might also be helpful for your friend if you respectfully confront her with the anxiety she has, maybe she isnt aware that her way of parenting is a trauma response?

Is she self aware about this? Does she realise it's affecting her (and your) enjoyment of your time with your dcs?

If you like her I'd personally have a chat with her kindly and ask her how she feels about being so anxious, that you're finding it hard as her friend to see her so anxious and is she getting any support with her anxiety.

That is kind of you to say ☺️ My children are 10 and 5 and we've experienced a lot of (medical) trauma along the way. So for us we naturally gravitate towards being extra careful but we also realize (maybe especially because of what we've already been through) not everything is within our control and it is not healthy for children to grow up risk free. I have never been germ-phobic like the example of OP''s friend, but overprotective in other ways that I know are not always necessary. My husband and I are very aware of this and we so we actually discuss if something is "acceptable suffering" or unacceptable suffering " to decide if we want to risk it. For example cycling with a helmet in, which in our country isnt the norm and isn't mandatory; breaking an arm is acceptable whereas a serious head injury isn't. To us that is common sense but others don't think like this and find wearing a helmet is overprotective 🤷

Favourite reply of the day on MN.