How to respond kindly to a friend’s anxious, judgemental parenting comments?

[Lincolnlemons]

I recently made friends with another first time mum who is really lovely but I’m finding her anxiety over everything really exhausting and judgemental.

She’s particularly anxious about germs so when we’re at a baby class, she’ll wince and whisper worriedly to me “I hate to think how many other kids have touched that” any time her toddler picks up a toy. I can understand the anxiety to a degree but I think this is OTT and it’s starting to impact my experience with my LO at these classes.

This extends to food, clothes, anything parenting related and sometimes I find it hard not to take it personally. For example, she’ll ask me “are you not worried about X” and if I say not really, she’ll look really horrified.

She is lovely and I really enjoy our friendship but I’m finding this aspect increasingly difficult so looking for any advice on how to politely shut down or redirect these conversations?

Tell her to please keep her germphobia for herself because you find it stressful.

How about telling her that as someone who has been over anxious about germs in the past and has worked on the issue, you don't discuss them now as you find it triggering and you need to protect your peace

OP, I really hope she will relax becuase I have to admit thathis kind of thing is a bit part of why, much as I love SIL, I have had long periods of distancing myself from her. It's not so much that she is germaphobic or paranoid, but the endless sense that she is judging MY parenting becuase I'm not.

And she's paranoid about EVERYTHING. From child abduction, to germs, to car seats. And dont' even get me started on teh trauma of her bottle feeding then weaning her child....

I remember getting quite sharp with her once about car seats - she was terrified of a car accident so obviously always had car seats that were basically tanks. I also took safety seriously, and we had a Maxi Cosi/Pebble seat that at the time was rated excellent etc etc etc. She would go on and on and on about needing only her kind of car seat and how travelling was impossible because she coudln't take it and didn't I worry about my children not having the same sort of car seat as her all the time. On one occassion, she was travelling and couldn't take her tank but I offered to let her have our more portable seat for her trip and she basically told me that she was NOT letting her child sit in an unsafe seat. I snapped and said something like, "No, your'e right, I dont' care abotu safety at all. It's amazing I even bother with a car seat".

My point is that the odd comemnt, if the person accepts you feel differently, is one thing. But the judgement can become unbearable.

Yes this is what she’s like. Your comment was a good one, how did your SIL respond?

My friend was talking about how unhygienic pets are before remembering I had a dog. I didn’t say anything because she obviously felt really awkward and I didn’t want to make her feel bad about it but it is exhausting when it moves into judgement territory.

That is utterly draining and l personally would have to distance myself.

I’m so sorry, that’s really tough and I’m sure it must’ve been really hard not being able to express your anxiety to your friends. I will be kind but firm because it does sometimes feel like I’m having to counsel someone over their anxieties and/or defend my ‘relaxed’ parenting.

Maybe you could say something like "Have you spoken to your health visitor about these worries?" Postnatal anxiety or OCD is not uncommon and there is supposedly at least support for it.

My very good friend has health anxiety. She’s very aware of it, and we joke with each other. I’m the very opposite and she laughs and calls me a wrongun when I tell her I’ve eaten something out of date or off my kitchen floor.

Ot must be harder if she isn’t aware that she is more anxious than usual.

I had my last DC 29 years ago, and I am wonderfully reassured by many of the posters here, who responded exactly as I would, in 1994 and today.

”you need to be exposed to germs to build your immune system”, and “the five second rule works for me”.

I am not sure she’s ready for “meh, no one ever died from being licked on the face by the dog or the cat jumping on their worktop and washing his bum”.

She back tracked.... but i knew and she knew and we both knew we knew, if you know what I mean! 🤣🤣

That's the problem. Someone with some health anxiety might know tbat their responses are ott. Someone who intrinsically believes this stuff and is judgemental of others is diffferent.

My.friendl with mild health anxiety knows she is paranoid and is open about how.she tries to manage things she also doesn't judge me because I am not paranoid!

It could be judgemental commentary or maybe she genuinely has ocd. Even i gagged a bit at the thought of babies slobbering all over the toys and then other kids picking them up and doing the same - it's absolutely gross. Then I also know of several women who have made the dogs are so unhygienic comments (i have 2) and their bathrooms are full of grime, mold and limescale. So I wouldn’t take it personally. You do you and hopefully she'll keep herself busy with all the cleaning.