Not comfortable with 15 month old sleeping over at in laws

[Reesy89]

Hi. I have a 15 month old daughter that co
sleeps with my partner and I. My mother and father in law are desperate to have her sleep over their house for the night. I’m not comfortable with this which is causing conflict between my partner and I. Yes I understand she’s getting a bit older and “needs to get used to being away from us”, but I’m so strict with my daughters routine. I also worry, my mother in laws physical health isn’t good and my father in law is a very loud snorer. I just don’t know how to say no, what if they roll on my daughter or she falls out of bed? Or suffocates. I just can’t cope with this stress and decision making.

My DCs are all very independent minded without ever having stayed overnight at their grandparents or other relatives.

What a very odd perspective that to be independent you must be separated overnight from your mum as a young child.

Weird grandparents being “desperate” and pushing for this. A red flag imo.

You think having a 15-month baby sleep in bed with a sickly grandma and a snoring grandpa is acceptable preparation for a hypothetical divorce and Scouts?!
People's brains work in mysterious ways.

THEIR KID. Baffles me men are (rightly) expected to share the load in household and childcare tasks but the mum has the final say.

If you can compromise on what colour you want your walls, you can compromise on how to raise the children. Don't have them otherwise

I can only speak from experience but the children who never stay away from their parents are far less confident and often a tad weird. I emphasize that may not be true in all spheres.

The parents who holiday a few times a year, some with, some without children seem to have some very clever youngsters indeed who can hold good conversation

Does your child sleepover with your parents?

Our children slept out at the age, but we never did co sleeping, and at grand parents they were in travel cot.

I wouldnt want them to sleep in same bed as child.

i'm all for kids not having to be stuck to hip of parents constantly, however i find the concept of parents going on a holiday without their kids absolutely wild.

Sounds like hubby has been moaning to his parents about your marriage and the issues he is finding with it.

Don’t let them pressure you, and I’m saying this as someone who let their children sleepover with GPs at that age. You’ll know when you are ready.

We went on a few short breaks when we first became parents in the first few years that is what we thought grandparents were for all of us were happy and life moved on

I had a similar dilemma. Mil went in for years about dc sleeping over, kept showing them the spare room and saying this is where you’ll sleep when you stay with granny.

i wasn’t comfortable. So I said no. When dc got older they expressed that they did not want to stay. It was annoying, but we had no “need” for the childcare so never found a reason for them to stay.

made worse I think by the fact the older grandchildren stayed a lot as their parents wanted the overnight care and used in laws as free childcare constantly. So I think they thought it was us being awkward. But ours are much younger so il’s were older, plus I saw the dynamic with the older grandchildren and preferred paid childcare. Heavy smoking, left to their own devices or the younger being left in the care of the older ones, boys being allowed to play video games and do what they wanted while the girls had to help with chores, that sort of stuff.

interestingly my parents never ever asked or pushed, and I was happier leaving dc in their care.

dc are adults now and stay fine away from us. One was always fine about sleepovers and has moved out into shared accommodation. The other doesn’t like sleeping away from home unless holiday etc (bit like me) but is saving up so they can afford a studio flat.

again an interesting observation is out of the 5 older grandchildren (all now 30- 35) that stayed at il’s a lot, one still lives at home, the others all lived at home until their late 20’s/ 30’s when they moved in with partners/wives/husbands. None ever lived independently in their own or shared houses, or moved away for uni etc. so I wouldn’t say staying away from home leads to independence.

see my observation is the opposite.

i suppose some of it will be the underlying reasons. My kids always had the choice, went to nursery, did lots of extra curriculars where other adults were supervising. So I guess they’ve learned to function without us being there, even though they never had sleepovers at relatives, and we always went away together for time as a family.

kids I know that don’t stay away from parents because the parents don’t allow it might be different. I did know a couple of kids where they had never been out of the parents care except for school, hobbies were those where the parent was also involved. As adults they are fine though.

but then my older nieces and nephews who stayed with in laws a lot I’d also describe as odd. They were always with family, either parents or grandparent, and as adults they are still very reliant on family and don’t interact outside that very small group. Wouldn’t go away to uni, and lived at home until they got married and recreated that family dynamic.

You are depicting me as a fool, which I am not. To clarify: 1. I do not think any baby or child should be co-sleeping with anyone except their parents 2. I think sleepovers at any age are about the child's confidence and parents' trust in the people the DC will be staying with 3. I think OP is right to prevent this proposed sleepover because of proposed co-sleeping and lack of trust 4. I think that a responsible parent will bring their child up to feel confident and secure, so that by the time school residentials and Brownie and scout camps come around, the child is happy to go, and to have a good time there.

These are the principles I have drawn on as a parent, having observed other parents as I came late to parenthood, and with reference to my own childhood, which was far from plainsailing.

We didn’t let our kids sleep over at the in laws until they were consistently sleeping through the night in their own beds with no wake ups - and I wish we hadn’t done it as they never did what we asked ( routine wise) and we found out later when the older one was more chatty that there were lots of issues - I think wait until they are verbal and sleeping through by themselves imho

You are absolutely right to trust your instincts and say no. The way out of this is to make it about you, not them or the baby. Just say “thank you for the offer, but I’m not ready. I’ll let you know when I am.” And that’s the end of it.

Let them bitch to your DP. If he hassles you, you simply say the same thing to him.

Why is a grandparent co sleeping with a child a red flag but not when a parent wants to cosleep? Most abuse of small children happens at the hands of the child’s parents. The OP didn’t specifically say they wanted to co sleep.

Absolute no on anyone co sleeping with your child. She can’t stay there until she can sleep in a cot in her own room. I left DD with PIL at that age but we didn’t co sleep so I knew she’d sleep in a cot in their house.

The thought of such a small child co-sleeping with anyone on than his/her parents makes me uncomfortable. It just doesn’t seem right.

What a ridiculous, and false, thing to say.

But how? Genuinely how? Mine fed all the time at that age. The amount of pumping I would have had to do to leave DS overnight would have been insane. Surely the amount of work you have to put in isn't worth it unless you're a super milk producer?

No chance with a tiny cosleeper, no one will get any sleep, she’ll cry all night,
strange bed, noises and smells. If it wasn’t so distressing for her and you I’d be tempted to do it as it will backfire spectacularly, but it’s too risky.
Once she’s comfy in her own cot and room then you can think about it.

Thank you all for your amazing responses. I told my partner it’s just a big no and to my shock he actually understood and told the MIL :) thanks all