Narcissistic ex

[OneQuirkyGreySwan]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice.
I separated from my ex around 5 years ago and we have a daughter who is nearly 6. She currently lives with her dad and his partner. I live quite far away, so when I see her I have to travel for hours by train, only spend a few hours with her, and then travel back late the same day.
I’ve asked my ex if we can be a bit more flexible with arrangements (for example swapping dates sometimes), but he refuses and says it has to suit their plans. Recently I asked to change a date so I could spend some time with my partner (as I don’t live with him), and my ex reacted badly and said no.
He’s also said he doesn’t trust me with our daughter, which I find upsetting. When I’m there, I’m caring for her properly, but he has cameras in the house and has commented on things he’s seen, which makes me uncomfortable.
There are also some boundary issues—for example, his partner encourages my daughter to call her “mum,” which I find difficult, but I feel like I can’t raise concerns without it causing an argument.
All I want is to have more meaningful, regular time with my daughter—ideally something like every other week—but my ex won’t agree and only offers limited, inflexible times.
What would you do in this situation? Has anyone been through something similar?

Why do you live so far from her and see her so little? Is there a formal contact arrangement? Why doesn’t he trust you to care for her properly? It feels like there’s a lot of important context missing but you don’t explain why you think narcissistic, which is so commonly used it’s almost meaningless. If you want to see her more can you not move closer? Given how little you see her I think binning her off to see your partner isn’t great tbh.

So I don't see her that much cause I work during the week. I moved away because he cheated and also something happened in my personal life. It was the worst part of my life. So please don't judge me, that's the worst thing you could do. There isn't a formal arrangement, it's something that he's put in place because he think he can control me. I agreed with it for so long, but since he has been with this partner, he has been worse. Saying I don't see her enough, but then cancelling plans the last minute cause they have plans. And then when I'm ill, they moan at me. I didn't see her at Christmas because they were all ill with a stomach bug, his partner messages me, insulting me, saying I should have come down and I shouldn't be scared of spreading germs. I have a heart condition which is fatal. You think I'm binning her off, when he messes me about and changes plans last minute.

This sounds like you’re missing some information.

You left your child because your ex cheated and you had something happen in your personal life? There is nothing in this whole universe that could make me leave my children and I was cheated on during my pregnancy.

If you see your child so little why on earth would you prioritise time with your partner. I’m not surprised he said no. Assuming your partner lives more close than your child does.

if you have an informal arrangement due to inconsistency on your part I’m not suprised either that he doesn’t want to make amends upsetting your child.

I had something happen to me, which I don't wish on my worst enemy. It was the worst time of my life. Bearing in mind,whilst I was pregnant, he didn't care about me, he had paternity leave, but had one week before I gave birth just to play games. Then when I did give birth, I had a C Section and he said that I couldn't even do that correctly. I'm not priotising time with my partner at all. It seems one rule for him and another for me. So he can make plans and cancel on me, but I can't make plans. It just seems really unrealistic. He says he can't trust me with our daughter, but yet he will allow me to look after his other daughter. It just seems crazy to me, that he doesn't trust me, but trusts me to look after his other daughter. And doesn't trust me to have her for a week or so during the holidays. And now I'm messaging him to ask how our daughter is and he isn't answering.

Why haven't you applied for a CAO?

Ultimately you need to try mediation and then take it to court.

You shouldn’t try mediation with an controlling abuser.

It sounds really hard for you. I expect you will need to go to court. Could you consider moving closer?

So I don't see her that much cause I work during the week
How much DO you see your DD then? If a man said the same thing on here people would be slating him.

@Mum4MrA you have to go through the process of mediation even if that is getting it signed off as exempt due to your ex’ abuse.

Cause my ex is a controlling person. And I know he wouldn't allow it.

I thought that would be the case

I haven't, purely because I have a full time job and I've settled here now. I feel much safer here.

See earlier on in the thread....

Yeah,you have to go through mediation anyway. Which I think I'm going to do.

To add more information, they both lie or exaggerate about a number of things. So his partner messaged me on boxing day to say I'm a horrible parent and that I should see my daughter more often, even when they are ill. And then when I bought it up, she says that she didn't say any of that. And also she tried to get parental responsibility, which you can only get if you are married, which they are not. Again lies. They are both so narcissistic

They’re awful narcissistic people and he’s controlling and abusive but you’ve left your daughter with them and want to aim to see her as little as every other weekend, which is still more than you do currently.

You don’t need to have any contact with his partner, liaise directly with your ex. But she’s the woman bringing your daughter up while you’re living away, too busy working and dating to have a meaningful relationship with her. Are you paying maintenance?

You can try and get a CAO but you don’t seem to want to see her that much as you’re busy with other things, it must be very unsettling for her.

You keep saying you want to prioritise time with your partner?

given the situation, my child would come first before a relationship. You can’t change your days because you want to see your partner, I’d be pretty annoyed too if I was your ex.
it’s not a competition, you are pretty much saying “ well he gets to spend ample time with his partner so I should mine”. No, you should be focused on your child. It sounds like you have plenty of time to see him to be honest.

Is this a reverse? So unusual for a mother to leave her child.

Ok, you seem to be very judgemental. I see my daughter every Saturday, never did I say every other Saturday, I'm there for 8 hours on a Saturday, whilst I'm there, they don't offer me a cup of tea or lunch or anything. Trains are expensive, I would do anything for my daughter. You are twisting my words

I didn't say that at all. He did. Why is everyone in this thread so judgemental. Taking his side when I'm the one who's known him for 10 years. I know what he's like, trying to act like he's the victim

Is it really? Especially when something horrific happened to me. If I didn't move away, I wouldn't be here. He nearly made me take my own life.

Are you only allowed your daughter in their home? You can’t take her out to the park or for lunch etc?

And what are you proposing, every other weekend would you stay in their home? Or rent somewhere for you and your daughter?

You all sit around in their house all day every Saturday? What do you do while they have lunch?

You should get a court order to parent your child 50% of the time. You would need to move nearer where her life is all based and pay for childcare etc. If her father has a personality disorder he mightn't suit being the resident parent.

Your complaints about not being served lunch and tea in their property, and wanting the brief contact time moved to facilitate meeting your boyfriend don't come across really well.

The focus should be solely child centered, if it's not already.