Narcissistic ex

[OneQuirkyGreySwan]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice.
I separated from my ex around 5 years ago and we have a daughter who is nearly 6. She currently lives with her dad and his partner. I live quite far away, so when I see her I have to travel for hours by train, only spend a few hours with her, and then travel back late the same day.
I’ve asked my ex if we can be a bit more flexible with arrangements (for example swapping dates sometimes), but he refuses and says it has to suit their plans. Recently I asked to change a date so I could spend some time with my partner (as I don’t live with him), and my ex reacted badly and said no.
He’s also said he doesn’t trust me with our daughter, which I find upsetting. When I’m there, I’m caring for her properly, but he has cameras in the house and has commented on things he’s seen, which makes me uncomfortable.
There are also some boundary issues—for example, his partner encourages my daughter to call her “mum,” which I find difficult, but I feel like I can’t raise concerns without it causing an argument.
All I want is to have more meaningful, regular time with my daughter—ideally something like every other week—but my ex won’t agree and only offers limited, inflexible times.
What would you do in this situation? Has anyone been through something similar?

Ok time for some tough love. You aren’t in a position to be dating. You need to be focused on what you can do to change your life do you spend more time with DD.

If you don’t feel safe living back in her home town, then you need to look at somewhere closer.

You also need to apply to court for an order so that she spends 4weeks of school holidays with you and so weekend contact is set out. Then you need to stick to it

What the hell? U only see her for eight hours a week and uv asked for a date change for a new relationship when ur clearly still in an abusive situation. You're not doing anywhere near as r enough to prove to yourself your daughter the courts or him that you can provide commitment, if he nearly made you commit suicide you should be FAR more driven to accept responsibility and stop looking at yourself as the victims anymore lest your daughter becomes one anymore than she has to this situation. Mite must be so confused

I agree that you’re not in a position to be dating and be thinking that you could spend time with your “partner” instead of with your DD, surely you’ve got adequate time to fit him around your time with her. Your absolute priority should be spending your free time with your DD, as much as that fits into her DFs schedules. You should be making sure that you’re available as much as possible for her. It doesn’t sound great that you can only see her in his house so you need to take it to court for a Child Arrangement Order. You can’t fairly be that critical of him because you allowed her to live with him. You might have known him for 10 years, and the other criticisms you’ve given but you allowed him full custody of your DD. Horrific things happen to people, myself included. If you didn’t move away from who? I didn’t hand mine over. I have CPTSD and full custody of my DD. Who never sees the extent of my condition. Kindly OP, you can still parent alone and cope with your own awful experiences - medication being very important to do so. This likely won’t be the response you want but after handing your child over to him and getting angry about restrictions, it’s the response you need.

Why don't you go to court and get proper visitation sorted out?

All the messages here are all going on his side. You forget that I've been down to see my daughter every single Saturday, it's not like I've not seen her and asked to not go. Also he has said multiple times that he wants me to see my daughter every week, but then in the same breath, says can we miss this week? But then when I say is there no way that I can come down, he says no. You are also gliding past the fact that they have a camera in the girls bedroom and was spying on me whilst I was in there. He also says that I can never have her at my house because he was spying on me when my daughter was standing on top of her bunk bed and all I said was careful, but I told her to sit down and she did. They both tell lies and think they can get away with it. But I need to have rules in place. I'm going to mediation.

Seems unsettling for her, yet I'm there every weekend. Trying to get access to her, but they are stopping me. Making plans every other weekend, to go to the skip. Do you think that's right? I was in tears all of yesterday because he said that I'm not allowed to switch one date around. Even though, I was going to see her 2 weeks in a row. And he said absolutely not. I asked to see her this weekend and he said he's got plans. So he can make plans, doing nothing. But when I've got plans, oh no you can't live your life. I work throughout the week, Saturdays I go down and see my daughter and by Sunday, I'm absolutely knackered and in bed all day. I'm burning myself out. He doesn't seem to care, honestly, the things he has done. He is so controlling.

Nope, cause they don't allow me. I'm not trusted to take my child out apparently.

I have my own home. But my ex won't allow me to have her, because all I said was careful to my daughter when she was on the bed.

How old is your daughter?
Who does she want to live with?

I’m no expert and don’t know the ins and outs, but if there’s no formal arrangement in place why haven’t you done that? Can you not see a solicitor and try to get custody split, or at least overnights every other weekend etc.? He can’t argue with a court order.

What is it you are wanting to offer your daughter? How many hours/days a week. Because if you are struggling one Saturday a week it doesn't sound like you can/will offer her any more. How did it come about that she ended up living with him in the first place? Unfortunately, the family he has created kind of has more pull here. Are you planning to move closer? Your daughter probably feels very rejected.you've set up a new life with a job, but home and partner and offer her next to no contact time. What are the specific reasons you aren't allowed to take her out of their house? Sounds like you need to commit more time and energy into being a present parent.as the parent you have to make sacrifices. Like time with your partner or living somewhere you don't love. It would be better for you to go to a mediation centre. Do some parent skills, and up skill yourself and prove you can be a better parent because 1 day a week isn't enough

It sounds like you went through abuse with him then, if I am not wrong. And I am very sympathetic to what things you must have gone through. And I don’t want to jump on another woman and be like why haven’t you got your child with you, because it seems very acceptable for men to leave or not be much of a part of a child’s life, but we will never be able to change that fact, that a mother does not usually live without her child unless for good reason.
So if the father is this bad, how on earth did he come to end up being her main carer?!

Just out of interest why only four weeks? For school holidays when they are like 13 or there abouts, I thought, without adding them up.

He's the one that's controlling me and won't allow to see my child more than once a week. I can't do mediation until I move in with my partner.

I know it must be hard and you won’t want to upset your child and cause a situation in front of her, she will already be aware of things anyway. But you saying they won’t allow you to take her out etc. Currently you have no court order and are her mother on the birth certificate, so they can’t really do much.
If you took her out it’s not like they can say you abducted her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op, you aren’t going to get the support here I think you’re looking for because you sound like you’ve abandoned your child with knowing to an abusive and dangerous person, that you make little effort in terms of prioritising your child.

it also seems like you came on here for assistance on bashing your ex who you claim is narcissistic. You come across as either very young or immature and I think you need to approach the appropriate services if you do need help relating to access to your child. It won’t look good if you keep up rearranging your minimal time to see a partner when you are not the child’s primary carer and see her so very little.

children without their biological mother in life can have severe abandonment and mental health issues as adults and your daughter needs as much stability and peace in her life as possible.

I think you really need to think about your child and her needs. if you’re serious about wanting to gain more access to your child you need to ensure you and your life are stable then approach a solicitor to support you through the process.

im not saying that your ex isn’t a bad person or not but it seems he has taken the role of being there for your child whilst you haven’t and all I’m reading is that he seems to be being cautious.

if you were the father saying these things on here trust me you’d have been met with much more disregard. When you bring a child into this world they should be the centre of it no matter what even if that includes a fight for them.

good luck

I work throughout the week, Saturdays I go down and see my daughter and by Sunday, I'm absolutely knackered and in bed all day. I'm burning myself out. He doesn't seem to care, honestly, the things he has done.

You're complaining because you have to travel to see your daughter one day a week and that means you have to sleep all day Sunday? And you want sympathy from your ex for putting yourself out for one day?

Recently I asked to change a date so I could spend some time with my partner (as I don’t live with him)

Honestly this is appalling. You spend 8 hours a week with your child and you asked to change that so you could see your boyfriend instead?!

Really this is appalling? I asked to change one date. One date.... think about that. I'm not moaning, I'm saying how it is. And now he's trying to stop me going altogether

You barely see your child as it is. 8 hours on a Saturday should be absolutely dedicated to spending time with her and nothing else (apart from an absolute emergency) should stop you wanting to go and see her.

Wanting to see your boyfriend instead is appalling. Yes.

See a solicitor and start rge process of creating a court ordered arrangement. Its as simple as that and its the exact thing wr all say to men who come on here with similar stories. If your ex is this awful, fight for your dd ans stop thinking he will suddenly change.

Ok. I didn't say I wanted to change the date to spend with my boyfriend. Don't know where you got that one from. And I said I was switching the dates, cause my ex said to come down the week after and I said to him can I come down this week and then swap it around. He said no. So stop twisting things.

Recently I asked to change a date so I could spend some time with my partner (as I don’t live with him)

Posters are just replying based on your own words.

Recently I asked to change a date so I could spend some time with my partner (as I don’t live with him)

This is from your original post.

😂😂 ok.. but I was switching the dates because I'm spending time with my partner this weekend anyway cause baby daddy has plans... as always

Go to a solicitor, go to court. And no, we don't know him, he like you, are strangers on the internet. There's big gaps in your story, the main one is why you haven't been fighting tooth and nail for a formal custody arrangement, if not primary carer status. If, as surmised by another poster, he was abusive, why did you allow him to effectively set himself up as primary carer?