DH doesn’t get along with own 7yo son (my DSS) what to do??

[Rara12]

Seeing if anyone has any suggestions, DH is not getting along with his 7yo son (stepson to me). He is fine with our 2yo son.

He says he just doesn’t understand him/like his personality/ he reminds him of his ex who he doesn’t like very much (though they’re civil).

As background, DH initiated split from DSS mum when DSS a small toddler due to personality differences/borderline emotional abuse from DSS mum. DSS has been living 50/50 with both parents since then. I have been involved in DSS life since he was 4.

He is very involved as a father, does lots of 1 on 1 activities with him (Or combined activities with our 2yo), is involved with housework, always is the one putting DSS to bed after reading to him, does school picks ups, takes him to his extracurriculars etc.

But he finds his personality difficult to get along with, I used to say “oh he’s just 4/5/6 he’ll grow out of it” but it’s getting worse as he gets older and it’s becoming clear that it’s personality traits rather than “just being a kid”. It also is not helping that our 2yo has a personality much closer to my husband’s and they get along much better, despite 2yo being a typical 2yo.

Examples: DH finds DSS manipulative, as in, when asked to do a simple task, asking if he can have something in return. Asking incessantly for something he wants. Not listening to basic instructions and having to repeat the same thing over each day. Not able to do anything independently (seemingly) - constantly wanting attention, following DH around dragging his feet, sulking (DSS, not DH). Things that DH finds very annoying like - being a very picky eater, having poor posture, doing baby talk, not having any initiative, not seeming to think things through, talking a lot of nonsense.

These are just personality traits and not suggesting anything wrong with DSS, probably many 7yos are the same . DH seems particularly annoyed as many of these traits remind him of ex.

I find DSS annoying too, but I’m able to not show it much better than DH and not let it get to me as much. To his credit, DSS is very compliant, I find him generally easy to deal with, he can be very sweet.

What to do? How can I help DH get along with him better?? I want them to have a good relationship and don’t want DH to be so stressed when DSS is with us.

That poor child. Sounds like your DH needs therapy to come to terms with the relationship with his ex and he can stop taking his feelings about the child's mother out on his poor son.

Personality and behaviour aren't the same though... you (well, his dad) can try and train him out of some of those behaviours rather than giving up as if they can't be changed.

Asking incessantly for things, dragging feet, doing baby talk etc are behaviours that can be worked on I reckon

What this sounds like is not so much personality traits, but a child needing more of his father's attention. And the father possibly having unreasonable expectations of a 7 year old..of course he doesn't think things through, he's a kid! The baby voice and the manipulation you talk about could be behaviours that get him results when he is with his mum.
It's for Dh and you to show him lots of love and attention as a baseline, consistency in routines and expectations, maybe rewarding him when he behaves in age appropriate way, and disencouraging the babyish behaviour. Sounds like he is maybe seeing the baby as competition, and it needs to be clarified that he is valued for himself, that he doesn't need to act like a baby to get love and attention.
As for. his posture, is there a reason for whatever is the issue with it? Does he have a weak core, does he need help building up his strength? I'm really shocked that this is something that irritates DH.
I feel really sad for DSS, it must be awful for him to deal with his father's contempt.

Best thing your DH can do is be really, really lavish with his love, time and attention. Plenty of good quality one-to-one fun without the toddler. I bet the baby voice fades away in two months.

I’d point out to DH that DSS behaviours most likely arise because his parents don’t live together in the same house and that patience, kindness and maybe a bit of therapy are the way to go here.

DSS is living in a situation that is not of his choosing, he’s very little and it’s probably very confusing and upsetting for him. The people who did make the choices for DSS ie DH need to step up here and work on their own behaviour.

Poor kid. And almost narcissistic to say ‘the kid’s not like me, so I don’t like it.’

I couldn't stay with a man who felt like this about his child.
I agree narcissistic but also, It's just not very nice, is it?
I think this will get worse OP, if DH has openly told you this and thinks It's okay.

Those are attention-seeking behaviours because he’s unhappy / insecure in his relationship with his father. He can sense the dislike and is reacting to it.

He wants better quality attention. He probably feels misunderstood, like your DH isn’t ‘seeing’ him or connecting in ways that are meaningful. The baby talk, manipulative responses etc are in the category of ‘ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer’. Your DH needs to learn to connect and communicate better - to listen and respond better.

Those behaviours are also about seeing what he can get away with. Better boundaries with clear modelling of ‘how we do things well’ and ‘what is not ok’ - with emphasis on the good things, not on getting into fights over the bad ones, is the way to go.

I would be concerned about the fact you have a child with this man. Having poor posture? Wow

Also - consistent parenting needed. He needs to communicate with ex about what’s acceptable, what are real likes and dislikes, what’s trying it on.

A lot of this is him testing boundaries, to find out if DH and you are ‘real parents’ who know what you’re doing, so whether he’s safe and can relax with you - or whether you’re clueless fakes and he can get away with stuff but also has to be vigilant of unknowns, as he can’t rely on you to spot ‘threats to normality’ and act on them firmly.

Something like posture, that’s a very picky criticism. People gain good posture through sport, dance, physical play and by the example of people around them. If ex doesn’t care about or model good posture, it will become an example of ‘weird stuff only dad cares about and picks on me for, making me feel unwelcome in his home’.

Has it even occurred to you that your dh is extremely nasty, unkind and quite possibly narcissistic? He sounds insufferable. Imagine not liking your own child because they’re not a cardboard cutout of you, and the reverse, thinking they’re great if they are. How arrogant.

Get DH to therapy. My father could never disentangle his feelings towards me and his hatred of my mother. Haven’t spoken to him in many years.

The negative traits you include are all totally normal for a kid with split parents. Made worse because he’s picking up on his father’s feelings towards him.

This will get worse, not better, if your DH doesn’t grow up and realise that he’s caused this situation (and whatever happened between him and his ex is utterly irrelevant), he needs to manage it.

I would really struggle to stay with a man who dislikes his own 7 year old child. He is 7!

Poor kid your DH needs help,

I would say DH should take him weekly , or more, to swimming, rock climbing, tennis or other interest or sport with DH and not just drop him off, stay and teach him the sport. And fake it til he makes it that he loves his sons company. Having an interested Dad willing to do this, learning a sport well should make a difference to them both. Might have to try a few but being good at a sport improves son’s self esteem and posture.

Bad posture can be due to sitting on screens a lot.

Your DH sounds like an absolute shit. A parent who has just opted out of loving their child for not being like them! Awful twisted man.

Agree a lot of that is behaviour.

Posture is not personality.
I dont think your dh is an "absolute shit" butni do think its picky of him.

I'd find that behaviour hard to deal with too. Most people would.
Separately a perspective for him to think about... if he cant bear the ex and she is so awful... how must it be for his son living there????
He is maybe learning to be "manipulative" from her but if he is 50/50 your dh has equal time to bring him to the light / influence him. If he cant be bothered to put in the effort thats on him.

So where i think he is remiss is not working on it with his son. At 7 he is old enough to understand a lot of things.
You should also have a vested interest because if he ends up like the mother that'll be a problem for your son.
I agree 1:1 sport could be very good.

I think annoying voices is a very common very annoying 6-10yr old thing many boys do. Your dh needs to give a consequence when it happen but get over it.
Fwiw my 4 yo daughter does baby voice when she is tired and / or ina specific "sweet" mood...

Poor little boy. What will your DH do if the 2yo changes and turns out to be different to him - have a third child in the hopes he might like that one?

Your dh needs to step up and make sure dss doesn't have a clue. Before putting consequences in place he needs to make sure their connection is rock solid. If I was you I'd be terrified having a child with a man like this. What if he finds he dislikes your shared child as he grows older? It's the aspects of our children that aren't easy to parent that teach us the most about ourselves. As adults we have to learn and adapt and in doing so we grow. He can't just decide they're not a great fit and be cross about it.

The child can clearly sense his father's dislike of him and the favouritism for his younger sibling. Poor kid, he's probably better off not seeing his dad than spending his childhood feeling unwanted and unloved.

Also, how much time do you both spend with other parents of 7yos? Do you have classmates round to play and get to know their parents? This will help you understand what’s normal for seven yos (and that they vary a lot, in behaviour, maturity and interests).

I think it’s easy and common to have much higher expectations of your first child than of younger ones. Part of this can be unrealistic expectations of maturity, based on hope and ignorance. Plus a self-serving wish that they’ll mature early and become mini-adults and parents’ helpers.

DC of all ages fluctuate between quite mature and very childish, they’re always part what they were, part where they’re going. It’s really endearing but can also be surprising sometimes.

You too. The way you describe what are plainly childish behaviours as ‘personality traits’ is weird and worrying. Intentionally or not, you’re allowing your husband to brainwash you, you’re adopting abnormal thinking in order to bolster his ego. Step back and think about that.

Because DSS is much older than your son, I think you are both making the mistake of expecting him to behave like a much older child. He is only 7. He is very little still.

Would you yourself be happy having to move house every week? It must be very very unsettling for him.
he is essentially living between two worlds, and not sure of his role in either. He will understand that DH doesn’t like his mum, and he won’t understand that. He will see that he is being treated differently to your DS.

Is he doing 50/50 so your DH does not have to pay maintenance? Maybe it would be better for DSS to spend more of his time with his mother, rather than half his time being treated like a problem. Your DH could then try and fake it til he makes it with a shared activity, and one on one time at weekends.

I also think you need to consider your DH’s behaviour very carefully. He sounds deeply inflexible to say the least. Have you actually met his Ex? At the moment you are clearly seeing her through ex’s eyes. As you know, toddlers are very hard work, and having a child at all is like a bomb going off in your life. From what you describe, it sounds more like DH couldn’t cope with not being the centre of Ex’s attention or her expectations that he would put himself second to the child, which he sees as manipulative. At the very least, he is clearly very transactional in relationships, whereas a lot of parenting is give give give. It takes a special kind of selfishness to abandon your wife and toddler. Of course it is hard, but it is just a stage.

Does your DH actually care that his relationship with his son is poor, and want to fix it, or is it your idea? Because from what you have written it sounds a lot as if he can’t be bothered to stick around when things get difficult. Is he really after a vision if family life with himself as a patriarch, beautiful wife, beautiful home, and compliant identikit kids who do exactly as they are told at all times?

Poor DSS

Not using his initiative? Well that will be because he’s 7, ditto not thinking things through a good number of teenagers don’t use initiative or think things through and they are double your dss age!
poor posture could be lack of confidence or reduced core strength. Asking for a reward after doing a chore is pretty normal, and when you think about it, how else can dss earn? When I go to work I get paid for doing ‘chores’, at home my reward is a clean and tidy house which is good for my mental well-being, where is DsS reward? At 7 he probably doesn’t care too much about living in a mess, do you have a reward chart for him? Might be worth implementing and then he won’t have to ask and annoy your dh.
shadowing his dad, tells you he’s needing / asking / wanting / reaching out for attention and a bit of love and reassurance. My DS is a teen and my shadow whenever he’s unwell / having a tough time at school. Sometimes when I’m exhausted I do find it quite hard not to be able to get on and do things without my lad getting under my feet, but I also know he needs me, and as a parent it can be pretty much a 24/7 job, certainly before the age of 10, but even as teens they still need their parents, it might not be as constant but it can be intense and have more serious ramifications when things go wrong. The fact that he needs his dad, shows that he wants a relationship with him, that should be seen as a huge positive and your husband needs to reframe this as being a great dad, not as an issue with his son. Your husband needs to start improving his son’s confidence, and that will take time and work, and won’t work if your husband continues to feel negative towards ds.
You say you hide your frustration / annoyance (or words to that effect) but if dss is a sensitive child, he will pick up on that, not necessarily in your words or tone of voice, but in your body language, you’d have to be a very talented actor not to let your annoyance show, and that will automatically push dss into seeking out his dad or acting up, as he’s not sure how else to make you like him.
Both you and his dad need to make dss feel safe and secure. Consider a reward chart; before bed remind dss of plans for the next day, see how many ‘points’ on his chart he can earn, double points if no baby voice. Remind him a completed chart of ‘x’ no of points equals £1 or £2 or whatever pocket money you deem appropriate. At the end of each month double the reward! Encourage him to become more independent, by giving him a task to do, check he’s understood the instructions and then make it into a game to see how quickly he can complete it, encourage him to ask if he’s not sure what he needs to do. Encourage him to play independently, if he likes Lego for example, see if he can come up with a story line or build something from his imagination. Or if he likes drawing asking him to draw a picture, or read a story to his little brother etc., Now the weather is improving maybe he and his dad can go out cycling together or kicking a football round or go for a picnic, just spending a bit of time together will help build a relationship, and give you and your son some time together too. All children need a bit of 1:1 time with their parent (both my teens like 1:1 time with me and 1:1 time with their dad) and as a parent I also enjoy having time with just dd and time with just ds. So much of parenting is trial and error, so if something isn’t working reframe it and re-evaluate it. Family life is hard, but that hard work pays off in dividends when the children get older.

Can your dh not see that his DS knows (has always known) that his father doesn’t like him

He is crying out for genuine love and attention and all he gets back is a father who would really like him to disappear so he can concentrate on his shiney new family.

If you have been with this man since his child was 4 and it takes 9 months for a pregnancy and your child is 2. How long was the affair going on for before this or did you become pregnant within weeks of you starting the affair.

This child has lived in turmoil for nearly half his short life, caused by his father’s actions and now that father doesn’t like the results.

Time for father to step up and be a parent and if he genuinely wants a relationship with his child then he needs to show his love for this little boy and be a parent

I wouldn’t have said a lot of what you’ve mentioned is personality traits, more that the parenting style of the parent that has more input is influencing his behaviour.
Not getting himself dressed, dragging his feet, constantly demanding things and asking what he will get in return for doing something are things that should have been corrected when he was younger.
Children only show initiative and capabilities if allowed room to grow, shown and given responsibility,
He sounds like a little boy who has two very different households with very different expectations.