Should I leave them with dad or not?

[paintedpanda]

We have 5 month old twin boys. They’re both incredibly clingy to me which is understandable as they’re both EBF.
When they’re happy they both love being entertained by their dad, but if they’re slightly upset neither will settle with him, one worse than the other. I don’t mind taking them both and sitting with them but it does mean I often end up stuck on the couch holding both boys.
He desperately wants them to settle with him, for him and for me. He says it makes him feel like a spare part and he might as well not be here. He wants to help me out and hates giving me both boys to look after. Obviously I don’t mind because I love my boys but so does he, and he wants them to settle with him. I’ve told him it’s not personal and at this age they just want mum, which he understands but I know it stings a bit when his babies just scream with him.
Whats the answer here? Do I leave them a bit longer and see if they eventually settle? Should I leave the room? Is there an age where it might stop happening as much? Is it something he’s doing? I know he’s super anxious taking them because of the fear they will just cry.

The only way they’ll get comfortable with him and for him to feel like he’s an equal parent is for you to leave him too it.

You have to leave the house. Choose a day when your husband is fully rested.
He has to put in the same number of hours you did to get them to settle for you for them to settle for him.
Unfortunately, 5 months of you always doing it means he has a lot of catching up to do.
It is a myth that babies just want their mum. Babies that have multiple caregivers can settle for all of them from newborn on.
The exclusively breastfeeding makes it a bit harder, but not impossible. He could still have done soothing to sleep, diaper changes, bath time, cuddle time when you’re not actively breastfeeding.

I’m sorry but ‘sorry love they just want me’ is actually not that nice a thing to say.

Leave the room, leave him to find his own way with him. Don't make yourself the default parent or you’ll be back here in five years posting about how your husband leaves childcare to you and pisses off doing his own things all the time.

You are both EQUAL parents and you’re sidelining him.

He does (almost all) nappy changes, he baths one while I feed the other, and plenty of cuddle times so it’s not like he’s sat there doing nothing. Even when I have the boys, he’s tidying the house, cooking tea, doing the washing etc. We are very much equal partners in this house. He just doesn’t know what to do for them when they’re screaming and I don’t know how to help, which is what I’m asking for. Should I leave them to scream with him? Or am I doing my babies harm by allowing them to cry when I know they would be comforted by me? I do things when they cry (like rocking them, singing etc) that just don’t work for him.

Yes you should leave him and twins alone in the house for increasingly long durations. I started by going for a cycle for 2hrs and worked up to it.

If they scream, they scream. It’s not going to harm them at all to scream and you not be there. DO NOT return early because they start screaming. You have already built a pattern where screaming gets them their mum. They expect it now. It will be a bit of a shock at first that screaming doesn’t get them you, but they will adapt. It is better for them in the long run to form attachments to their dad as well as you.

He has to find his own way to comfort them and it may be completely different way from what you do.

I would go out and have coffee with a friend or get a haircut. Be gone for two hours. That should give DH enough time to get over the initial crying phase and be able to settle them.

Go out and leave the kids with DH - start with an hour, then work up to a whole day, or even overnight.

I would let your babies be babies, and respond to exactly what they want/need. At the moment, they settle with you. So you settle them, and your husband does more around the house. As they get older, things will naturally shift in new directions.

For now, adults suck it up, and follow your babies lead about what they want/need. They’re only little. Leaving them to cry to teach any lessons is cruel

Did you know what to do straight away? I didn’t. He’s needs time to find his own way of doing things. How would you feel if they cried with you and he kept taking over. Would you just leave him to take over or ask him to give you some time to form your own bond and work out what to do?

Sorry I think this is rubbish. If my babies cried when they were with me (and have) I wouldn’t be happy just to give them over to someone else.

I think your use of ‘scream’ feels very real to you - I remember that feeling well. But they’re not really screaming - they’re crying or grizzling because they’re tired or bored or cranky or hungry or need a hug.

Your husband is able to provide all of those things, please let him learn his children’s needs and wants, or when is he going to be able to figure it out?

Even their dad??

Okay, i think building up longer periods is doable. I just feel so guilty leaving them to cry and I feel guilty leaving DH to struggle knowing that all it would take is a cuddle and the house will be calm again.

Oh stop. It’s not crying to teach a lesson. They are still being attended to by their dad.

Reading the title i thought this was going to be about you going on a hen do, not you leaving the room.

I gradually left my (our!) baby with my partner for longer and longer periods. Baby was an absolute monkey, especially when a bit bigger, and would demand to be fed five minutes after I left even though i would have done the longest breastfeed in the world immediately before I went out - seeking comfort, I suppose! Baby was combination fed, so daddy would break out 20ml of formula or a dummy for settling purposes. We also got baby really used from day 2 to bring settled by the grandparents and taken out on walks.

Your partner can practice taking the twins out while YOU stay in. If they are going out with Daddy for an adventure - and at 5 months, they are probably in their nosy phase - then leaving you is easier for all concerned and you DH can build up his confidence.

From 18 weeks, I started taking my baby to the gym creche for 45 mins once or twice a week. That also gave my LO experience of being looked after by someone other than me just for a short stretch. Little bits of practice help you and them.

So we tried for half an hour and while I was out of the room for 20 mins they were moany but fine, but when I walked back in twin 1 turned into full on screaming and tears, which lead to dad crying which lead to me crying. He tried to persevere but it’s so difficult for us all letting our baby cry like that. Thankfully twin 2 is chilled today because having two babies crying like that is no easy feat.

Of course, let him parent his children. Dh had ours several hours (between feeds) every day from the day they were born. He can take them out for walks every day when he’s home. He can hold them and watch tv. You can each wear one in a sling on a walk. Eventually, when older when they are a bit more independent (from each other), he can do bedtime with one while you do the other.

Children do go through phases. I was everyone’s favourite for a while and then my son abruptly changed alliances. But in this situation I’d leave the house for two hours and and give it a chance to settle. Or have dad take them for a walk. Half an hour is really short, needs a chance to settle down past the moaning stage.

Would it help if he started with one of them at a time? I've not had twins, so I don't know how they react. Does one set the other one off? Will they be more unsettled if they're separated?

Could you book a hair appointment or go out to the gym or with a friend for a couple of hours? Give them both a really good feed before you go and then just leave them to it. The only way they’re going to realise that they’re safe with DH is if you let him look after them.

So decide what you want to do and start going out to do it.

Pretty soon they’ll be on solids and will begin to realise that they don’t need you around for survival quite so much

The tough thing is that that is the age when my DS stopped settling for DH (also EBF).

DH had 5 hours of skin to skin with DS when he was born (I had some problems so didn't meet DS for 5 hours), he had been handling a lot of the night wakes, nappies etc and DS settled with him beautifully, generally. But around 5-6 months something changed, DS became more aware and honestly, for the next 12 months he ONLY wanted me. He would scream bloody murder if DH tried to enter the room at night for example.

He's 19 months now and suddenly prefers dad now. I'm still breastfeeding and he literally treats me like a cow 🤣 gets some milk and runs away to dad.

Go out - like actually out of the house, but for really short times. Like 10 minutes at first or 20. If you are there, they will be constantly reminded they would rather have you and know that if they scream enough they will get you.