Should I leave them with dad or not?

[paintedpanda]

We have 5 month old twin boys. They’re both incredibly clingy to me which is understandable as they’re both EBF.
When they’re happy they both love being entertained by their dad, but if they’re slightly upset neither will settle with him, one worse than the other. I don’t mind taking them both and sitting with them but it does mean I often end up stuck on the couch holding both boys.
He desperately wants them to settle with him, for him and for me. He says it makes him feel like a spare part and he might as well not be here. He wants to help me out and hates giving me both boys to look after. Obviously I don’t mind because I love my boys but so does he, and he wants them to settle with him. I’ve told him it’s not personal and at this age they just want mum, which he understands but I know it stings a bit when his babies just scream with him.
Whats the answer here? Do I leave them a bit longer and see if they eventually settle? Should I leave the room? Is there an age where it might stop happening as much? Is it something he’s doing? I know he’s super anxious taking them because of the fear they will just cry.

That’s because they’re used to you! Keep going with it, it won’t continue for long. You’ll also have stages where they prefer one of you over the other for quite a number of years, and you can’t rearrange your lives around their wishes, it just isn’t practical. Sometimes you have other shit to do!

It seems 90%+ of posters are telling you to leave DH to it whilst you leave the house.
Half an hour in another room won't cut it, and wont allow your DH to build on his repertoire of childcare skills.

This sounds like it’s more about him than anything else. He’s not a spare part, he can cook, clean, bring you things, or sit with you. They are useful things he’s contributing to the house and to his dc.

personally I think do what works best for the dc, provided it’s not too draining on you. Ebf twins is no easy task so if you want them to be better with him so you get a break then yes leave them and they’ll all figure it out. Ime though they’ll always cry for you if you’re around. If it’s just because he feels like a spare part and wants to cuddle them more, honestly at this point that doesn’t sound worth the crying to me. Give them a few months, they’ll be eating more, starting to run around and they’ll be way more into him and this will all be a blur.

Half an hour isn’t long enough for DH to successfully settle them.

I think remind him he is not a spare part as he does so much to care for them and you , and it’s really appreciated and important. Remind him that in time they’ll go to him for comfort but your body has been their home for so long and it’s their food and comfort source right now. Once they’re weaning things might change but don’t force them away from you and have them screaming unnecessarily just because your husband is feeling left out, in my view. Just yet anyway. Unless you have some reason you need to be away from them .

I agree this would work as in babies would eventually get used to it, but I don’t know why you’d put everyone through this upset if you don’t actually need to. Why don’t you stick to the current job division until they’re weaning at least?

I had my 2nd in the middle of Covid. As soon as I got home my partner took her so I could sleep as I’d been up all night (c-section). She was breastfed so obviously she came in for feeds but I spent a lot of the day asleep. She never had an issue with who she was getting cuddles from unless she was hungry. Ds was the same.

Hand them over. Maybe try expressing when you’re ready.

Absolutely this OP. Be led by what they want. Put their needs first not his.

So help him develop his ability to cuddle them to calm.

Until you view him as an equal parent who can do much of what you do as a parent you won't treat him as such and your twins won't develop the relationship with him that would be good for the whole family.

And there we go ‘when I walked back in…’
You need to leave, go, not just loiter in the next room. Have a walk, go to the shops but leave him for a full two hrs after a breastfeed.
it’ll give him an opportunity
and maybe they’ll cry for some of it, but the next time they won’t as they realise screaming doesn’t get them mum

Hang on, he cried? Is he ok?

Serious question, because if he can’t regulate himself, it will have an impact on his ability to regulate the babies (and this will be a problem for their whole childhood)

Why on earth did you walk back in when they were fine?!

Leave the house. You need to give them all time together completely without you for a while. Not seeing you or hearing your voice
You would also be amazed at how far away they can smell breast milk! Your boobs need to be far away…

Or like a pp suggested - he takes them out in the pushchair so they are actively engaged in something

Did you read the post you are responding to?

I agree with the PP who say these, are only 5 month old babies, barely out of the 4th trimester. You shouldn't come from a mindset of teaching them a lesson that they can't always have mum.
But you've already said that they seemed happy enough when you were out of the room for 20 mins, so that is positive. So it proves they don't need you constantly. Next time try a 20 min walk, but don't feel the need do anything you're not comfortable with. It will take time but they will get there.

I don’t understand why posters are advising you to do anything that makes your tiny babies cry to seemingly placate your somewhat needy husband. You seem happy with the current arrangement as do they. Nothing you have said suggests there is any real need to change the current arrangements and everything will change over time naturally and they will want to be with him more. Why make your babies cry?

Nobody has said to do something that makes the babies cry. It's about what happens when they do cry. Does op always need to comfort or can she trust dad enough to let the three of them work out their own relationship?

He’s fine. I’ve seen him cry three times in our relationship. Once was our wedding and once now. I think he’s just gutted and feels like our boys don’t like him. I know this isn’t true.

I walked back in because they were fine! It wasn’t a proper attempt, I was just sorting things upstairs. We’re going to give it a good go today.

So how much of your “giving it a good go” involves babies being unhappy needlessly. I understand if you needed to go back to work, were tired or needed a break, needed to do things round the house or have other caring responsibilities. You are very fortunate that none of these things appear to be true and you have very contented babies so why do this? Your husband will have years to bond with your children when they are ready. They are tiny and want you. If you are 100% OK with things why make changes just to placate your husband?

Well, because they have two babies, and it would be handy to have two adults who can each comfort one if needed. He’s not a half-parent or the cleaner. He’s their full parent just as much as the mother.

This. He's their parents too.

And the only way to fix it then is for you to sometimes step out of the way.

Oh please. You wouldn’t say that to a mum who was frustrated she couldn’t settle her baby.

Honestly, I’m mostly happy with how things are, and he is mostly happy too but feels bad how it’s all on me and wishes he could do more. He understands the boys want me more now but knows it might change in the future. But I asked for advice on here and loads of people said to just leave him to it so I thought that was the right thing to do. I don’t know what the right thing to do is.

We went out for a walk last night and put twin 1 in the top seat and we had DH push the pram so twin 1 was interacting with him while he was calm and he loved it (for 5 minutes until he fell asleep!), so we’re going to do more of that today. And I’m going to try and do stuff around the house and let DH sit with the boys. DH doesn’t like the wrap sling we have so we’re going to get a different one so he can carry him around more too. We’re trying to build the bond while they’re calm which hopefully will translate to when they’re upset too.

I’d be concerned about a parent of either gender who cried after half an hour of their baby crying.