Should I leave them with dad or not?

[paintedpanda]

We have 5 month old twin boys. They’re both incredibly clingy to me which is understandable as they’re both EBF.
When they’re happy they both love being entertained by their dad, but if they’re slightly upset neither will settle with him, one worse than the other. I don’t mind taking them both and sitting with them but it does mean I often end up stuck on the couch holding both boys.
He desperately wants them to settle with him, for him and for me. He says it makes him feel like a spare part and he might as well not be here. He wants to help me out and hates giving me both boys to look after. Obviously I don’t mind because I love my boys but so does he, and he wants them to settle with him. I’ve told him it’s not personal and at this age they just want mum, which he understands but I know it stings a bit when his babies just scream with him.
Whats the answer here? Do I leave them a bit longer and see if they eventually settle? Should I leave the room? Is there an age where it might stop happening as much? Is it something he’s doing? I know he’s super anxious taking them because of the fear they will just cry.

Would you? Sometimes a crying baby is frustrating and draining and stressful when you can’t work out why. No
big deal really, we all crack sometimes.

Leave the house for a good few hours every week. I had the same issue with my DC but once you're out of sight they will forget and that gives them the opportunity to bond with dad.

Sounds a lovely walk and a good start. Hope it works out. I remembered getting conflicting advice a lot when my babies were young and it’s so hard.
I was not trying to criticise but I took some advice which resulted in unhappy babies and sometimes crying babies and bitterly regret it now although at the time felt I had no option as I needed to return to work. Good luck.

I think the issue here op is there’s two main schools of thought with babies
parents who think babies are babies and it’s normal for them to to be completely attached to their mum to grow into mentally healthy people.
and people who think that babies (and mum) need some independence from each other asap to all grow into mentally healthy people.

some people think they need to learn you won’t always be there when they cry and that’s good for them, and some people think babies should learn that you are there for them when they cry.

So you’re just going to get two completely different perspectives and no one can tell you what’s right for your family.

I personally think babies are dependant on mum and that’s normal, and that dad doesn’t need to feel like an equal parent because he isn’t one (yet). He didn’t carry or birth them, they aren’t 100% dependant on his body for food, he isn’t the one getting up in the night to nurse them and comfort them and presumably he isn’t the one on parental leave with them most of the time.
to suggest that he needs to be an equal parent is ridiculous and leaving them with him for an hour or two won’t change that, he will be second choice to you for a while and he will need to make peace with that. It will change eventually. Certainly they may be more comfortable with him if you power through the crying but personally I don’t know what benefit that is, unless you need the break - then ofc that’s important. But that’s just my opinion and like I said lots of people will tell you it’s important they get on with it and just learn that you won’t always be there when they cry.

I’m going to try and do stuff around the house and let DH sit with the boys.

also just to add this sounds like fair 50/50 but it depends on your situation. I found that when I did this I was the one up in the night whilst dh slept, then I was the one feeding them, and juggling crying babies any time they were upset, and trying to feed myself, and then he would sit down when the babies were ready to chill more and I would then start doing housework. I never actually got a rest then.
obviously great if it works for you, but don’t put yourself last behind caring for two babies and a dh, trying to accommodate everyone’s feelings. Keeping the house running and you fed and hydrated is helping you. Holding a relaxed baby whilst you do housework is not helping you.

Thank you, but we’re insanely lucky that our boys both sleep through (I know this could change in an instant!) and DH has unexpectedly found himself with a month off work so he’s been around for the last few weeks. He’s a great husband, he wants to take some of my load which is one reason why he wants the boys to settle with him.

That’s great. You’ve just talked a lot about what he wants, and what he thinks will help you, and not as much about what you want and what you think will help you, so I’m just saying to keep that in mind.
Really glad they sleep for you and you’ll both find your way, try not to worry about other people’s advice too much and do what works for you
Sounds like you love each other and you want to both be great parents so you’ll do great
good luck with it

This.

Theres always an easier option. It’s easy to give a toddler an iPad and a fruit shoot at 7am so you can get more sleep. Doesn’t meet its good for them.

Good parenting is often about doing the hard thing for the greater good

When my twins started nursery for a couple of afternoons a week aged 2, they took it in turns to wail when I left, but for ages they’d both be full on sobbing when I returned.
I concluded eventually that they actually settled pretty quickly and it wasn’t until I returned that the realised that I’d been gone !
Good luck OP. It will work out 😄

Half an hour away is nothing

feed them and then go out

thy are 5mth. If you don’t nip this in the bud now it will get much harder and take longer

he is their dad. They will be fine

The thing is if they see you they'll want you, you might find they are perfectly happy with Dad if they can't see you! So ideally you go out for a while, or DH takes them out for a while and see how it goes. Of course you don't want them to scream for you but there's no guarantee that they will. It's good if they can be comforted by more than one person, if you're ill it's really not going to be fun with twins who won't go to Dad! Sounds like you've made a good start with the 20 minutes, just try and hide from them for longer if they are actually ok!

I just want to say how wonderful it is that your DH is wanting to help so much. I had my DH with me at home a lot when I had my first and it’s so hard, he coped so much better with me not there, he had to make decisions himself and not keep asking me, but we only had the one, so well done both of you and well done for bf both.