I'm too affectionate with my baby?

[Babooah]

For a little context my mum was never affectionate. I have no memories of her ever hugging or kissing me (or my siblings) as a child, teenager or as an adult. She would write Love Mum in birthdays cards, but has never said I love you out loud. I don't even have memories of her saying she loved my dad or any past boyfriends. Apparently her parents were affectionate towards each other and to her and her sister if that matters.

She hated being touched in general.

My sister is very similar to her where she never kisses or hugs any of her children. I have never seen her play with her children. She has 6 children (4 years old to 15 years old). She acts more like a babysitter than their mum.

As I grew up, I felt very uncomfortable whenever someone gave me a hug. Especially if it was a woman. Now I still feel uncomfortable, but it feels more 'natural'.

I have a baby boy who is 6 months old. I want him to feel loved, so I give him hugs and kisses (cheeks, forehead and the top of his head) whenever I can. He could be sitting on my lap, playing with a toy, drinking from his bottle, napping etc and I will try and give him a hug or a kiss as much as possible. I also say I love you to him.

A friend came over the other day and commented that I am always hugging and kissing my baby and said I'm too affectionate towards him.

Can you be too affectionate towards a baby?

You sound so lovely, you're trying really hard to break a cycle, well done. What you're doing is perfectly normal. I would constantly kiss those adorable heads of my 2 children when they were little. They have grown up to be loving teenagers.

Far from there being such a thing as too much touch for a tiny baby, did you know that babies/children who are not touched enough have their growth stunted? Lack of physical affection negatively affects the levels of growth hormones. Mad, isn’t it?

You’re doing the right thing, there is no such thing as being too loving.

You love that baby like you’ve never loved before !! I was never maternal before my son (grew up in DV household) but when he came along… my god I loved him and still do like there’s no tomorrow - I made a promise to him the day he was born he would never experience the chaos I did and I’ve stuck to it. I loved him, kissed him, hugged him and tell him everyday I’m proud of him, all the things I never experienced and I will continue to do regardless of anyone’s opinion x

If you weren't supposed to kiss and cuddle your baby, how come they are so snuggly and their heads smell so nice?

You cuddle and kiss your baby as much as you want. I did that and my now 15 year old gives me voluntary hugs a lot.

It is not possible to show a child too much love and affection. You can hug and kiss your baby as much as you want, and you can tell him that you love him as often as you like.

As your child gets older, you should follow his cues. It is only "too much" if and when a child lets you know - verbally or non-verbally - that they are finding it too much. You should respect the child's boundaries. Nobody else's opinion matters.

I also had parents who weren't physically affectionate and I believe their parents weren't with them. I showered baby DS in kisses and cuddles (still do as much as I can get away with now he is 10). I was once in the queue for the post office and a random lady said she had never seen anyone kiss a baby as much as I kissed DS. It made me so happy that I had broken the cycle. Be proud of yourself.

How lovely for you and your DS...ignore your friend. Baby massage is also great for bonding and to help a baby feel secure and eye contact is hugely important. I kissed, hugged, massaged all mine and they are all comfortable with affection as young adults.

I kissed my babies and picked them up for cuddles/co slept etc constantly and mu eldest is 19 and we still hug each other daily, squeeze hands when passing on the stairs, big hug and kiss before he goes away for the weekend or on holiday. We also as a family hang out on mum and dad’s bed, watching tv or gaming some evenings. We’re super close. My children are also very physically affectionate, my youngest (2) will always want cuddles from her bigger bros, they high five or hug daily. I have friends who’s don’t like touch so don’t hug their kids and their kids are always told their loved, which is nice because I do understand some people just hate being touched. But I think children need telling they’re loved. I think it builds self love and esteem.

Tell your friend to stop being a bellend. Babies are built for cuddles and kisses!

You carry on! My parents were a bit like yours, I knew they loved me but there weren’t many kisses /cuddles as I grew up. We didn’t say ‘I love you’ etc.
I’m affectionate to my DCs in contrast - they’re adults now so the big cuddles/kisses have gone but we hug when we haven’t seen each other for a while, sometimes cosy up in the sofa and sometimes say ‘I love you’ at the end of a phonecall. Don’t kiss anymore as it’s too soppy for them, neither like it.
I also didn’t like hugs/kisses from others as a young teen but then I met a group of friends who were affectionate like that and I haven’t looked back since!

You can't spoil a baby with too much love! I remember a friend being adamant that I needed a break from holding my baby. I was genuinely baffled as I absolutely loved holding her and it really wasn't something I even consciously thought about!

OP, it is wonderful that you are breaking the pattern in your family, and helping your baby grow up feeling loved. That explicit, physical love and affection is so vital for a child.

Overall, I would say just go with your instincts, and there is no time a baby doesn’t want a sense of love from their mummy, so sounds like you are doing great.

If it was your mum or sister making this criticism, I would totally dismiss it, because they obviously don’t know how to give affection. However, if this friend is normally wise and supportive, it may be possible that she’s expressing something useful about balance. As you have expressed uncertainty, and didn’t grow up with a good model, it may take a little thinking to get the balance right.

what do I mean? If you are literally constantly kissing and hugging, some babies might find that a little overwhelming or bothersome in the long run. And even more as they grow older. The massive majority of people love to receive physical affection and also verbal affirmations. But these should also be blended with times when you give a bit more physical space - continuing the love, but allowing the other person to feel themselves alone and their body able to physically move unrestrained.

So overall, a big yes to kisses, hugs, strokes, I love yous, etc….. but just be aware of not smothering … of how much space your baby might want, and that it is about genuine love feelings, not an obsessive or performative need in your part. I guess be relaxed about it, not intense. I hope that makes sense?

sounds like you are doing wonderfully!

Follow your own instincts. I can’t hug/ kiss mine enough! It’s not something I’m consciously doing - something just takes over me and I can’t resist. I’m sure it won’t be long before he finds me annoying and I have to restrain myself 😂

You can't be too affectionate with a baby. Ignore anyone who says otherwise.

"Too affectionate" towards your child?? That's not a thing! Ignore your friend. Keep being the loving, affectionate mum that you are ❤️ I have hugged, kissed and said 'I love you' to my children since the minute they were born. They are now teenagers and they still like getting hugs - and are very good at giving hugs. There's nothing better after having a tough day than your teenager noticing and giving you a hug ❤️

I was not kissed, cuddled or hugged as a child (I was abused and neglected too). I find it difficult to be touched, especially unexpectedly. However, I didn't want my children to spend even a second wondering if I love them, so they had to endure loads of hugs, kisses and cuddles growing up. My son once asked me (he was probably around 10 at the time) why I kept telling him that I love him, so I told him. He looked at me and asked if I thought that they didn't know. He's still a little so and so, even in his 30s 😄

Impossible

I remember being told by a family member that I was spoiling dd. When she left, my mil smiled and said “Well, I always nursed my babies!”. For some reason that’s stuck with me all these years!

I have a DD nearly 5, I kiss her all the time… I definitely annoy her but I tell her she’s my best friend and I love her always. You kiss as much as you want, touch as much and do the best you can as his mother! I’d maybe have a rethink of the friends you hang around with…. What a strange thing to say! X

Gosh OP, how hard this must all be for you! Don't worry, babies are little love sponges, they soak it all up! Have you considered trauma informed therapy for yourself? Also, could your mum and sister possibly be autistic?

There is no such thing as being too affectionate. It sounds like you’re using your childhood experience to better yourself so well done!!!

Your mum sounds exactly like my mum OP - I could’ve written your post!
i was also like you with my own DD as i was determined to be different and show her all the love and affection I could…..now that she’s 11 she gets a bit more embarrassed by it 🤣 but when it’s just the 2 of us, she’s just as affectionate!

I could have written this! Huni carry on doing your thing. Don’t ever stop. I was told “I broke the cycle” my kids will grow up and know mummy loved me. Actions speak louder than words. There’s something to it, kids need to be told there loved, kissed and cuddled!

Your DSis is not much of a parent from your description, why have 6 children and not play/show them love and expect them to be well adjusted adults. I feel sorry for them, enjoy your baby.

Hi everyone!

I have been trying to read through the comments before replying.

Thank you for the lovely comments :)
I'm sorry to hear that others had similar experiences growing up ❤️

My mum and sister haven't been diagnosed with autism and no one in my close family or more distant family members (as far as I know) have been diagnosed with autism.

My friend doesn't have children, but she has said she wants some n the future.

I did ask her what she meant and she said because of how many times I'm hugging and kissing him when I'm playing with him or just holding him.

For a few examples, when we play peek-a-boo, I say "There you are!" and give him kisses and he giggles and gives me big smiles in return. Another game we play is a game I call taxes and I say to him "Oh no! You haven't paid your taxes today and immediately his smiles grows because he knows what is going to happen. I say a number and give that number of kisses and then I say to him he gets a random number of kisses back as a tax return and he loves it. Sometimes when I'm just holding him and he looks up at me and just smiles, I give him a kiss on his forehead or his cheek.

I said to her that he may hate them when he's older, but at the moment my son enjoys the hugs and kisses and I don't think you can hug or kiss a baby too much. She didn't say anything afterwards.

I think it just made me feel like I'm doing something wrong and somehow I'm failing him. However, when I had a midwife appointment or when I had him in hospital, every midwife and nurse said how much they love being affectionate with their babies when they were little and how you couldn't spoil your baby with too much affection. I had a doctor's appointment for myself the other week and the doctor commented on how much my son loves me with how he was 'talking' to me and smiling with each interaction I had with him.

I have had random men and women say how much they missed their children being his age before they became moody teenagers (their words) who feel too old for hugs and kisses from their parents. Almost every single one of them would say how to enjoy the time with him being a baby because he will grow up to be an adult before you know it.

When I was younger and I heard a friend's mum or dad say I love to them I remember thinking what a weird to say and then think how I want someone to say I love you to me. When their parents hugged or kissed them I felt the way, but I also felt terrified of the idea of someone touching me in that way and whenever I would be hugged, I could feel myself tensing up and a feeling of flight or fight. Some people would comment on how tense I would be when hugged.

I think because of how I grew up, I hated the idea of him feeling the way even for a second and I did worry about when I had him if I would be able to hold him, but thankfully, it felt natural and it still does whenever I hug or kiss him.

I don't want him to feel unloved.

Of course you can’t. Give him all the cuddles and kisses. It’s only an issue if the child doesn’t want it! My heart breaks a bit for your sisters children.