I’m going to say it - right now I wish I’d never had a child

[ThatJadeHedgehog]

I’ve actually never felt like this before. I have a nearly 2.5 year old daughter. I have a great relationship with her typically, after the newborn stage which I hated. It did feel worth it for a while but these past few months it just really hasn’t.

I used to have lovely friends, play sports, go on holiday and have great relationships with people.

Idiot that I am decided to have a baby and now life is hugely shit.

Literally all I do now is go to work. And it’s the highlight of my day because at least I get to sit down in peace. I literally will the hours to go slower before the mundane bedtime nightmare starts. I work in a highly stressful job and of course weekends are spent dragging myself round the park or soft play with no rest whatsoever.

I never see anyone all my friends have forgotten about me cos why the hell wouldn’t they. I’m never free to do anything and I’m boring as hell. Can’t do any hobbies or anything even like watching a football match or some shit something will happen to stop me. I just have no life whatsoever. Last night we were awake 4 hours in the middle of the night so even if I had the opportunity to do stuff, which I don’t, I wouldn’t have the energy.

My partner works evening shifts and so do I sometimes. Daughter is a shit sleeper so I can’t put her to sleep and go out while my partner is WFH. Ive been looking into babysitting - have got one outing booked for a gig but I’m going alone since I’m now friendless and I’ll probably be too tired. And I can’t afford a babysitter that often so weekly hobbies and stuff won’t work.

Honestly just feels like there’s absolutely no point in living. I’ve no motivation to be here whatsoever, but I have to because that’s another one of the great perks of being a parent.

I’m bored beyond belief. I’ve watched all the TV. I’m exhausted so nothing is fun. I thought she’d sleep by now. Now I don’t think she ever will. i have hounded the NHS for answers with little success.

Respectfully I’d rather no one told me to go to the GP about depression. Of course I’m depressed - my life is empty and I haven’t slept in 1000 years.

do other people feel like this?? Are there answers? I guess it won’t go on forever but a) I won’t have any friends left b) this may actually kill me before it’s over and c) the way this is going I will be an entirely different, very dull, person by the time she is older.

2.5 was absolutely the hardest age for me, and as tripe as it sounds it really does go quickly. When she starts school your life will not seem so depressing or controlled, hang on in there!

Another one mentioning the OP being quoted in the first post

Come on

Yeah that sounds hard. I’d try and improve your weekends. The park in this weather is grim and no adult likes soft play. Do you have a national trust pass? Ours has been a godsend (and not all is outdoors)
could your daughter do an activity at the weekend? Mine does swimming and ballet (she’s 4, but started ballet at 2) which gives us some structure and plan to the weekend. I also try and involve her in chores such as tidying and doing the weekly shop which she actually enjoys 😂
also, I’d ask your partner to take her one weekend a month where you go out for the day. Hairdressers and nails, coffee shop, cinema, either alone or by yourself. You’ll feel more human for doing things for yourself.

Oh my goodness. Of course many of us completely understand. I had literally no help, as my mother had just died, my dad was grieving and my sister lived miles away. In laws were miles away. Husband worked abroad. Anyway! That was years ago. What I remember is scheduling lots of things in the diary to keep my sanity and good humour. I looked for every club under the sun to get my kids with other kids, and meet other mums and dads. I did use baby sitters, because I needed to get out. I went to the gym as much as I could. Made friends with an awkward neighbour and we alternated baby sitting for each other. And then I sat it out until the kids grew up! Wishing you so much love and luck x

I remember having similar thoughts when my DC were this age. It’s hard work, but it does get easier. Time flies - before you know it she will be at school and later she will be off with her friends and you’ll be feeling you never see her. Before long you’ll be going on shopping trips and spa breaks with her. Also, your friends will have their own DC in time and when they are moaning about sleep deprivation and no free time, you will be sitting pretty.

Op I feel your pain, sleep deprivation is a bitch and makes everything feel worse. You are in the trenches at the moment, kids at that age are wonderful but it is also really hard and relentless at times.I don't have huge amount of advice but lots of sympathy. It WILL get better I promise. If you can really tackle the sleeping (in whatever way helps you all get some quality sleep be that co sleeping or whatever )I think life would feel so much brighter.

It’s really hard, especially if you have limited support. I have a 2 year old too and he sleeps ok most of the time. We went through a phase of him starting the day at 4am a month ago for 3 weeks. In the end DH agreed to do all bedtimes and wake-ups before 6am if I take over at 6am and he gets a full “day off” at the weekend - seemed great to me as I HATE mornings and find battling with a grouchy toddler at bed harder than a full day. We’ve kept it up and DH is doing night wakings now rather than alternating.
I think you need to get your partner to give you a break on one of his days off and do the night wakings on nights he’s off. Is your child in nursery? If not can you put them in? If you are both working you should get some free hours if you’re in England.
We half sleep trained DS, didn’t do CIO but did do the one where you leave for 1 minute then go I back and it worked well, it made the wakings a lot less frequently and quicker to go back to sleep (took about 2 days). DSIS was sent away for work for 2 weeks when DN was 9 months and woke for her every hour, 2 weeks with Dad and no boobs and he slept through 🤣

You’re still in the trenches. It felt like a million years before I adapted and it became a labour of love. I still maintain that had I known what parenthood was going to feel like I would have taken the choice a bit more seriously so you aren’t alone. It is fucking shit at times but little by little she will begin to start doing things independently. I agree with pp from 3 onwards things begin to shift and then when they go to school it is much better. As you’re feeling awful I would see if you can schedule in a couple of evenings or times a week for someone to look after her as you sound desperate for some time to yourself. Do it. It will make a huge difference to your outlook.

Thanks all. I’m not looking to have complete freedom and go out on the piss every night or disappear to Ibiza for a month. Some people seem to think that’s what I’m saying which I get… you don’t know me. But it’s not like that. Firstly I love being a mum and spending time with my daughter (in daylight hours at least). I’m actually a bit of a homebody. I am not very adventurous at all and pre-kids my life was a couple of footy games a week and maybe watching a film with a friend. I don’t wanna have everything I literally just want more than the nothing I have now.

I appreciate those saying it’s likely to improve. especially @Hellohelga for incentivising me with schadenfreude 😂

it is really bloody hard to find time to do stuff. There is no night when neither me nor my partner are working in the evening other than the one he already has for himself. There’s one where I finish at 8pm that’s the best I have. Inviting friends round is an option but it’s always a bit nerve wracking with the bad sleep cos it’s just an exercise in waiting for her to wake up and scream for me so my friend sits alone on my sofa.

Sleep wise we really have tried everything (other than sleep training in the conventional as I’ve said I don’t want to do this). Cosleeping deffo doesn’t work. Same room doesn’t work. Pretty much nothing works - early waking, late waking, early bedtime, late bedtime, exercise and so on. She is due to have ENT surgery but I sense this might not fix it. The ENT issues do disrupt her sleep but don’t see how they can be keeping her up for four hours at a time. I could be wrong though.

anyway… I will try to see some friends somehow. Maybe just take the risk on them coming in the evening. There is some volunteering im setting up that I know I’ll enjoy but as it’s a weekday on my non-work day I’ll be paying for a day of nursery in order to do it - so I’m literally paying £80 to work for free 🙄 but I’ve decided to try and do it monthly anyway even though that’s a heck of a lot of money.

This. I secretly hated it too until my kids turned 3. All the people who said they loved the early years were like aliens to me, I couldn’t relate one bit.
I also had poor sleepers, fussy eaters, stage 5 clingers and hated and loathed it so much.
age 3 was when it started turning slowly and I saw joy and happiness again. It really will pass and get easier. I don’t miss the early years for a second.

Ignore the unhelpful comments about wishing you’ll have this time back again. I’m out the other end (late teens offspring) and I would never every ever want to go back to the toddler days. Teenage years were mostly a delight!

fingers crossed the sleepIng will improve after her surgery. Everything will feel better once it does. But meantime do try and ensure you have some time you are completely off toddler duty, even if that involves a bit of extra childcare at this stage (If affordable). Even just to catch up on some sleep.

Its a long time ago for me now but your post really did resonate. It gets so much better I promise.

I'd say the biggest issue op is you feel alone. I honestly don't know how i would have got through the baby/toddler/preschool years with 2 under 2, without the group of mum friends I found along the way. I think your first step would be to try and find some mum friends, who you can do stuff with on the weekend so it's not so utterly fucking dull and mind numbing. Softplay on your own with kids, is hell on earth. Your friends pre kids just don't understand what it's like day to day, so finding people to share the (shit) experience with makes it far more bearable. Reach out on local groups or enroll DD into a weekly activity, where you can meet some people. Apparently there's apps these days like dating apps but for parents to connect with other local parents. I really think this would be key in finding some fulfillment in your life. And obviously carving out child free time is equally important. Find a hobby and dedicate some time to that, tell your partner you WILL be out that night of the week, and he needs to make it work. It's fucking hard, but it does get easier (and then shitter in other ways 🤣) and most mums will be feeling the same (in varying degrees) and most Mums love opening up and being honest about the bad days along with the good.

Hang in there, my little boy is 3.5 and he has turned a corner hugely. I actually love parenting now. Up until four months ago we used to pick him up at the exact time nursery finished. If we finished work early we’d actually sit down for half an hour before going to get him. Now it’s just not like that. I regularly pick him up an hour early, I’m never clock watching the evenings and weekends fly by, we have so much fun. It’s genuinely lovely.

what I will say is we desperately wanted a second and sadly due to fertility issues it won’t ever happen for us. However I do think it’s been maybe a blessing in disguise. Bit by bit I feel we’re both getting ourselves back again, and our relationship. If a second was on the cards it would be a struggle in every sense and I’m glad we’re not going through that.

chat to your partner, vocalise your needs and vice versa and just slowly start making changes to get you back to yourself.

best of luck xx

I think you need to bite the bullet and Sleep Train - I think lack of sleep is awful & that’s why it’s used as a method of torture!

It does get easier & I just think some women/parents embrace the baby stage more. I wasn’t especially interested in other people’s babies or toddlers but I do enjoy the company of older kids.

I don’t think this weather & end of winter rain & dark is great with toddlers.

DS when he was that age didn’t especially enjoy kids activities. It’s not obligatory to go to soft play etc - your DD would probably enjoy other things that don’t involve you sitting making small talk with other Mums. It sounds like you’re not really loving that side of being a parent. I’m sure my Mum never sat in a room full of other Mums & toddlers & soft play is relatively new. Just do other stuff - swimming, library, supermarket shop.

I often dread the weekends! Every weekend. I feel so ashamed but thank for nursery. I have two children in nursery and it is more than I earn but I would go mad without work. It’s exhausting and exhausting. I love the children and despise myself for feeling how I do.

I agree that 3 is the big change - you are nearly there! Both of mine started sleeping around their 3rd birthdays after being a nightmare up until then. Everything is so much easier with sleep.

Would there be anything wrong with health wise. My eldest didn’t sleep properly until she had grommets. We didn’t realise her ears were hurting her lying down.

Other than that I found the lack of sleep so hard. It really is a torture and everyone congratulates you when you have a child but very few admit that it’s very hard work.

I will come back to this properly but I felt like this with mine. I had a post on here at the time (2009!) about how I regretted my second child.

my life was just shit and boring. I was so so fucking tired. Crippling PND.

I ‘got through it’. It was just a case of one day at a time. Childcare (paid) and generally dropping standards and carrying on.

The children got older and everything got easier. I have no time for the ‘just you wait’ crowd. Mine are now 16 & 18 and I have never felt so fucking low and desperate as the toddler years. I was so lonely.

I actually googled ‘putting my children up for adoption’. I don’t think I seriously considered it but it was a dark time.

I thought I would love baking/being a SAHM etc. reality was I went back to work ASAP and banned playdoh/glitter/craft shit from my house. I changed my expectations.

I hope you can find some solace in this. Sending peace and love

This feels endless but it will get better, I promise. With decent sleep, you will have the energy to socialise, and your DD will get easier and easier. And your friends will also have babies so you will be coxing and boxing together.

I suggest planning something with a friend - maybe lunch so you don’t run up a sleep deficit. Your old life isn’t over, to be replaced by a new shit one. Life just evolves, and would have done if you’d been child-free too. It’ll be OK, promise.

I had my fair share of bad moments in life and hard ones and the one thing that kept me going is the love I have for my children . I don’t think I remeber one single moment of actually thinking what if I didn’t have you . I may joke at how big my wardrobe would be or my bag collection but my kids are paramount to my happiness .
Maybe you are sleep deprived and going through a tough stage , maybe you are yet to find your true friends , those who probably also have kids and can actually do stuff with you alone and as a a family ? You need to focus on what you gained from your child maybe ,having a family is amazing too , you need to adapt

sorry haven't read all the other replies.

lack of sleep is an ABSOLUTE KILLER. My nearly 4-year old has also historically been a shit sleeper. It has got massively better since he finally dropped his nap.
Also yes, it is boring, and I miss being able to do fun stuff too. So what if I sound bratty? Like you, I don't have masses of family support, so I've had a grand total of two nights away from my son he was born (1 for work, 1 for family bereavement. hardly a party...)

All I a say is, for me, nearly 4 is a lot more fun than 2.5, and also easier. So, much sympathy and Hang in there.

You want your child to sleep better but you refuse to sleep train?
You can't have it all.

I feel you. I really do. I really really struggled with parenting in the early stages. It was relentless and mindlessly boring. I felt like I'd completely lost myself.

I'm fortunate that I was part time so I took it on myself to put my daughter in nursery and find time to pursue some interests. It made a huge difference for me.
I know it's not that simple but my point is, you are allowed to feel like this. You see these 'supermums' who adore their 5 small kids and say 'oh don't wish the time away. It's a wonderful stage' etc however I couldn't think of anything worse than having small children all over the place. It's one of the reasons I stuck at one.

My daughter is 6 now and my god, life is so much easier. I can see it getting even easier as she gets older as she'll want to do far more interesting things. The films and TV she watches I actually quite like now, for example, rather than endless Peppa Pig.

Parenting doesn't have to be a hobby in itself. You don't have to like it. Remember loving your child isn't synonymous with loving parenting. I love my child more than anything in the world, but I don't love parenting, and I think that's ok.

womaaan listen up! It is the sleep that is the catalyst for everything else.

make it your mission to sort out your daughters sleep at night and my god you will feel the difference

then sort out the rest

It gets better. 2.5 is a shit age. You're in the trenches. It's hard work, boring, exhausting and thankless. Mine are now just school age and honestly, it's miles better. Hang in there.

I hated the toddler stage. One thing I found helped with days out and weekends, was making sure I did stuff for ME, not just for the kids. So if I went to the park, I'd make sure it was a nice park with a cafe and I'd always treat myself to a coffee.
I stopped going to soft play and just took them to national trust places which I loved doing pre kids, and are also super toddler friendly. (They also have nice cafes!).
What do you enjoy doing?
When my DH worked away, I often set aside an hour or so a day to stick the kids on their tablets or in front of the telly with headphones so I could have an hour's peace or get shit done. I didn't feel guilty about it.
Don't just do child-orientated stuff. Try enjoy it yourself too. Add in little adult treats. Make your DD see that you get to do things too. It does make life feel a little better!