I’m going to say it - right now I wish I’d never had a child

[ThatJadeHedgehog]

I’ve actually never felt like this before. I have a nearly 2.5 year old daughter. I have a great relationship with her typically, after the newborn stage which I hated. It did feel worth it for a while but these past few months it just really hasn’t.

I used to have lovely friends, play sports, go on holiday and have great relationships with people.

Idiot that I am decided to have a baby and now life is hugely shit.

Literally all I do now is go to work. And it’s the highlight of my day because at least I get to sit down in peace. I literally will the hours to go slower before the mundane bedtime nightmare starts. I work in a highly stressful job and of course weekends are spent dragging myself round the park or soft play with no rest whatsoever.

I never see anyone all my friends have forgotten about me cos why the hell wouldn’t they. I’m never free to do anything and I’m boring as hell. Can’t do any hobbies or anything even like watching a football match or some shit something will happen to stop me. I just have no life whatsoever. Last night we were awake 4 hours in the middle of the night so even if I had the opportunity to do stuff, which I don’t, I wouldn’t have the energy.

My partner works evening shifts and so do I sometimes. Daughter is a shit sleeper so I can’t put her to sleep and go out while my partner is WFH. Ive been looking into babysitting - have got one outing booked for a gig but I’m going alone since I’m now friendless and I’ll probably be too tired. And I can’t afford a babysitter that often so weekly hobbies and stuff won’t work.

Honestly just feels like there’s absolutely no point in living. I’ve no motivation to be here whatsoever, but I have to because that’s another one of the great perks of being a parent.

I’m bored beyond belief. I’ve watched all the TV. I’m exhausted so nothing is fun. I thought she’d sleep by now. Now I don’t think she ever will. i have hounded the NHS for answers with little success.

Respectfully I’d rather no one told me to go to the GP about depression. Of course I’m depressed - my life is empty and I haven’t slept in 1000 years.

do other people feel like this?? Are there answers? I guess it won’t go on forever but a) I won’t have any friends left b) this may actually kill me before it’s over and c) the way this is going I will be an entirely different, very dull, person by the time she is older.

You will be surprised how quickly the years go ,,at 2 and a half she's still.pretty.depemdamt on you for all her care needs it's not forever but every stage brings it's challenges ,,parenthood definitely does feel like a existence rather than a life sometimes.
You will adapt,,she will gainore.amd more independence as the months go on ,maybe you and dp need a chat about both being able to grab some child free time to yourselves .

So sorry things are so difficult.

I understand what you mean regarding depression. You're not depressed as such, you're just having a completely normal response to lack of sleep, joyful activities, and social contact.

Can your DP look into switching to day work to support you in the evening? Do you have any wider family support? Any contact with other mums who will sympathise?

If the answer to the above is no, I think you're right that 'it won't go on forever' and I'd just keep repeating that to yourself each day.

You haven't mentioned how old you are.

Unfortunately it's hard work taking care of young kids.

Especially difficult if more of the parenting falls on one person.

By the time she starts going to school it will improve.

But yes it's difficult.

I think that you are currently in the worst bit. ( I had 2 under 2.5 at your stage.)

i remember a friend who was a couple of years ahead of me said that it starts to get easier when your youngest turns 3. At the time this Hope was a shining beacon in the utter darkness. It was true. Little by little it got easier from 3 onwards. Hang on in there.

( MIL didn’t help at all by saying breezily’ oh this was my favourite age!.’ Lies.)

This will pass! Give it a year and she will have developed so much more as a person and company for yourself.
You are in the toddler years now: all of the mobility and non of the sense.
You’ll both get there.
Give yourself an early night.

Can you make changes to working hours so you can each have evening time off?

Weekends are so boring. We started inviting people over that also have little kids, for coffee and playdates at ours or to the playground. Just random people we meet through work or nursery. Everyone is in the same boat so we have made some new friends that way.

You’re at the end of your tether and you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. But you do have choices, and you’re the adult so you have to try - your daughter is depending on you.
Whether that’s babysitting, sleep training, anti depressants, attempting to reconnect with friends, self help books, reframing that this is temporary phase….
Or you don’t try and you leave everything as
it is because you feel too hopeless- the resentment you describe could damage your relationship with your DD so you have a very important reason to try and turn things around.
Good luck.

I’m 31. Maybe I sound younger cos I’m being bratty but I’ve been holding all this brattiness in for a while, it was bound to come out eventually!

As people have said it can feel one sided sometimes but my partner isn’t a demon. He can be a bit shit, like it’s always me that has to skip a meal etc if something happens. But generally up for splitting responsibilities. But the evening shifts are just unfortunate- he was made redundant and took a job cos he needed a job. Now he likes it as well and there’s really not much out there. Middle of the night is challenging - he’s not great at night and my daughter is worse, she’ll scream the house down for me. Dates back to breastfeeding I think.

We have no family support. All childcare is paid. Basically use all my money on nursery but feels worth it.

I’m afraid I’m already on considerably amounts of psychiatric medication. I’ve been to support groups, GP, family hubs and therapy but they can’t change the situation and I’m probably too tired engage very well.

The only potential changes I can see that might work are getting some more babysitting for occasional breaks which I’ll try. Money is really tight but we aren’t destitute. Also maybe trying to get friends round in the evenings a bit more. I think I struggle with the shame of having them come into my messy and depressing house, but I could get over that.

My partner works evening shifts and so do I sometimes. Daughter is a shit sleeper so I can’t put her to sleep and go out while my partner is WFH.

Presumably he doesn't work 7 days a week? Can't you go out on one of his days off?

I felt exactly the same way for a long time and felt I'd made a huge mistake. Having a child was my biggest regret in life and age 2-3 was particularly awful, and I can confirm I haven't gone on to have anymore. I find it baffling that people actually enjoy having young children. It's not for me! I know I likely had PND.

Sorry I don't have advice for right now but I can show you the light at the end of the tunnel - he's now 8 and that kid is the light of my life. We do fun things, he engages in really interesting conversations, he reads books and does puzzles in the pub, loves going out for lunch, he's a joy to take on holiday, I could go on and on. We made it, and so will you.

A friend who works with kids once said to me that she reckons I'd be an amazing parent to a teenager rather than a young child, and a lot of parents who are great in the early years struggle at that point. It really rings true for me and made me feel a lot better. Perhaps you'll be the same. In the meantime, sod the housework and get your friends round for a glass of wine. You'll feel much better for it.

I'd stick her cot or bed in with you OP if she's not already. Do whatever it takes to get a good nights sleep. Life is very grey and depressing when you haven't slept properly for weeks on end.

It is very hard.

I think a lot of ‘people never talk about …’ is rubbish as people do talk about it, but actually, no one does talk about how with toddlers and preschoolers it’s difficult to do anything just for you like go shopping or to the cinema or nights out, or exercise. It’s very difficult to do anything that’s not really aimed at them in these years so you end up trapped in ‘kiddie land’ of soft play and toddler groups.

Would you consider sleep training? It sounds like you might have greater flexibility if your DD slept better.

Do you have other friends with children the same age? It sounds like not. I was the first out of mine to have children so all the other parents of young children were new people in my life but also a social lifeline as they're doing the same stuff like trips to the farm. It's much harder if you're working full time I know as these were friendships I could maintain on the weekdays I was off as I was part time when mine were 2.5.

For friends who don't have kids - can they meet you at a local country park so you can chat as you walk and your child gets the fresh air, see the ducks, go on the playground etc. I know you've said you don't have any because you always say no but do you ask them to do things with you? I am now the one without little kids while all my 40 year old mates have babies and toddlers so I'm the one who takes my dog on weekend walks with other friends and their little people.

I felt isolated and low when my first was a newborn. It was a big lifestyle change and a shock to the system.

It does get better. I loved the 3-4 year old stage when they're talking and weird and adorable and getting more independent. And I know it feels like sleep will never return, what you're experiencing is torturous. The babysitting idea is good, you need a break or you will break.

OP I'm solo parenting my 3 kids, youngest has just turned 3. Like you I have very little opportunity for respite or support, my day to day life is very much work & kids, rinse and repeat, no matter how knackered I am. I recently turned to Chat GPT for some ideas for how to build moments of 'micro-rest' and 'micro-joy' into my day so that I don't lose myself and completely go under with the weight of it all. It's REALLY helped. Is that something you can look into?

Also, just to say, I know it doesn't help you right now, but my eldest is nearly 12 and it's so true what they say about the days being long but the years being short. It really will get better.

Thank you - yeah I am with you. No more kids me! I take issue with the entire concept of PND because if a man birthed an entire human (I had eighteen stitches) then breastfed it every hour for a few months and was sad about it there is no way in hell that would be considered a psychiatric disorder. I mean FGS.

I think my mum was a bit like me - way better once we were older and I’m glad of that because you’re a parent to an adult way longer than you’re a parent to a young child and it’s done me very well, we have a really good relationship.

My partner doesn’t work 7 days no! But our schedule is a bit pants - so he has one hobby which he goes to once a week. Unfair but also a very reasonable thing to want. We actually discussed it before even having a child and I agreed to it because, like I said, reasonable. Then the other night he’s off is my work night 🫠 can try to get annual leave on my work night but we are often short staffed.

The sleep training - I really don’t want to do it with a capital ST. We’ve obviously tried most EVERYTHING aside from CIO cos I just couldn’t.

I do actually have a good relationship with my daughter. I love her massively. She’s hilarious, clever, beautiful, kind, loving. Apart from never bloody sleeping she is perfect. There’s so much about being her mum that I adore. But also my only friend is 2. It’s depressing.

Your friends won’t give a shit about the state if your house - they’re just there to see you not inspect your skirting boards or comment on laundry piles. Social connection is far more important than feeling embarrassed about some mess in the house.

It is hard work and boring at this stage. What can you do about it now? You just have to make the most of it and try and find things to enjoy and look forward to.

She’ll be at school before you know it and then the time really flies, you’ll make new mum friends and life will be better.

@liamharhayou're the first post response so why the need to quote the Op post? Do you think we wouldn’t know who you were replying to?

ahh just drives me bonkers

It is extremely difficult right now but it does get easier especially after they start school. Just make sure not to have another one because that is a whole new level of hard.

When your partner is home he needs to be in charge the same way that you are when he is at work, to give you regular time off.
I don’t know what his work hours are but say he works 9pm-5am for ex, he could be in charge 6-8:30pm for ex. Meaning you could plan to go out and see friends, or take a bath or whatever, but ideally not be around to help until you all get into a routine.

Sorry, reasonably new to Mumsnet so didn't realise the posting etiquette,do you feel better now you've corrected me ?

It is a bit annoying tbf

Can you afford a gym with a creche? I spent money i shouldnt have on gym with a creche and used it on the weekends to take my child to the creche for 2 hours while I did a class and then we did the swimming after on saturdays and sundays.
I also used it as an outlet and somewhere to go when my partner was home and i could nip out for an hour or two to the gym in the evening or early morning. You can find a regular class like yoga where you speak to people.

To be fair this is SO expensive I’d probably rather get a babysitter and go to the pub and I think it might be cheaper?!! But I love the idea - glad it’s a thing!

honestly this would all feel different if I had a bit of free childcare, eg from a grandparent. I forget people have this.

I would start with solving practical problems. Is co-sleeping an option? I slept in the same room and/or bed as my son until 3.5-4, and it was a life saver. I actually slept really well with him there, and so did he. Before that though, sleep deprivation was a killer. Honestly, what ever arrangement gets you sleep, just do it. We then transitioned to him sleeping by himself which went quite smoothly.

Aside from that, I think you need to do 2 things. First it is re-balancing your life. 2 parents with 1 kid, should be a dynamic where it is 100% possible for the parents to still have personal/hobby/social time. You might have to be clever with how to do it, but it is absolutely possible.

Secondly though, I think slowly, over time you will probably need to re-think your views on the value/purpose of life. At the moment your post reads as very internally focused on you, your identity, yourself, your happiness, your fun etc. But that isn't overly sustainable, because any relationship that takes away from that (which most kids, marriages, elderly parents, etc. do) will end up being seen as a burden and a regret. What about when your Husband has issues that stop your happiness? Or your parents/family members? Will you regret them as well? It isn't exactly something you can just click a switch and realize, but slowly encouraging yourself to see value and purpose in family, relationships and things besides happiness and enjoyment, would probably be a good long-term goal.