I’m going to say it - right now I wish I’d never had a child

[ThatJadeHedgehog]

I’ve actually never felt like this before. I have a nearly 2.5 year old daughter. I have a great relationship with her typically, after the newborn stage which I hated. It did feel worth it for a while but these past few months it just really hasn’t.

I used to have lovely friends, play sports, go on holiday and have great relationships with people.

Idiot that I am decided to have a baby and now life is hugely shit.

Literally all I do now is go to work. And it’s the highlight of my day because at least I get to sit down in peace. I literally will the hours to go slower before the mundane bedtime nightmare starts. I work in a highly stressful job and of course weekends are spent dragging myself round the park or soft play with no rest whatsoever.

I never see anyone all my friends have forgotten about me cos why the hell wouldn’t they. I’m never free to do anything and I’m boring as hell. Can’t do any hobbies or anything even like watching a football match or some shit something will happen to stop me. I just have no life whatsoever. Last night we were awake 4 hours in the middle of the night so even if I had the opportunity to do stuff, which I don’t, I wouldn’t have the energy.

My partner works evening shifts and so do I sometimes. Daughter is a shit sleeper so I can’t put her to sleep and go out while my partner is WFH. Ive been looking into babysitting - have got one outing booked for a gig but I’m going alone since I’m now friendless and I’ll probably be too tired. And I can’t afford a babysitter that often so weekly hobbies and stuff won’t work.

Honestly just feels like there’s absolutely no point in living. I’ve no motivation to be here whatsoever, but I have to because that’s another one of the great perks of being a parent.

I’m bored beyond belief. I’ve watched all the TV. I’m exhausted so nothing is fun. I thought she’d sleep by now. Now I don’t think she ever will. i have hounded the NHS for answers with little success.

Respectfully I’d rather no one told me to go to the GP about depression. Of course I’m depressed - my life is empty and I haven’t slept in 1000 years.

do other people feel like this?? Are there answers? I guess it won’t go on forever but a) I won’t have any friends left b) this may actually kill me before it’s over and c) the way this is going I will be an entirely different, very dull, person by the time she is older.

Your feelings are valid. I think a lot of parents feel like this at some point... you do lose so much time for yourself when you have a kid.

You do seem to feel though that you've lost your friends because of having a kid... in all honesty if having a two year old means you now have no one to go out with when you are child free then I don't think they were really friends to begin with!

I felt like you with my first child. Total lack of freedom, sleep deprivation and lack of social contact hit you hard. I would try to make some friends at the playground to have some social life - that's what I did. I'm afraid the old life is not coming back. Life with small kids is different and it takes years to get used to it. Even when they grow a little older, you will not be the same person anymore.

Can you find just one thing to do for you once a week? Start small build up
A,walk outside can be flexibly timed when dp can look after dd
Or parkrun /walk/volunteer

Keep talkibg to your mh team
Ask about social prescribing

It is a terrible time for you.
Lack of sleep is torture.
Thankfully you do have a great job.
Your friends will remember you.

Sleeplessness in kids is hard work.
Could DD have worms?
Be too hot or cold?
Need Melatonin?
Need milky drink and grapes before bed?

Yes, invite kind friends over some evenings.
Sometimes let them watch TV and listen for DD while you sleep.
Wishing you better times not too far away, but most likely well before school age.

I say this respectfully:

You're hankering after a life that is no longer there - that carefree life where you suited yourself and did what you wanted?

When you accept that that has gone, you can begin to move on and enjoy what you do have rather than wishing your life away.

This is a new life where you are spending time with and getting to know a small child who is dependent on you. Stop trying to get your DD to sleep and “behave” in a way that suits you and not her. Learn to enjoy spending time with her, reading to her, rocking her to sleep. At this moment you are her mum, the centre of her world and she needs you 100% not a shadow of you. I promise you this: you will never get this time back with her when she’s so loving and dependent on you. So stop wishing it away.

So sorry you are struggling. Lack of sleep is really horrible and toddler years are relentless. As your daughter starts school and you will soon start to build a parent network of new friends that can be a great source of support. I'm old and my kids are adults but I still have some lovely friends made outside pre-school and infants over 20 years ago. Even volunteering for PTA can help. Before you know it you will have more friends and more support.

I know its difficult when you are tired and working, but use any opportunities to go to activities with your daughter where you can chat to other parents. Play dates can help form friendships for your daughter but also friends and support for you. Each stage of parenting seems long and hard when you're in it but soon changes.

I recommend listening to BBC podcast 'child'. It's so good.

Ep 1 of series 2 they discuss the parenting gap (parents are less happy than non-parents).

Feeling you, though in my case sleep was better so everything a lot easier than you have it.

(irrelevant because you have what you have, but I also do think that boys and girls have different typical worst ages. Male toddlers are sometimes a little easier because a lot of them just run all day, including straight up walls, until they fall over asleep. Provided they don’t actually kill themselves, that is relatively straightforward to deal with. I thought 6-10 months was hideous with ds because he wanted to be mobile but wasn’t. Toddlers don’t have enough language but girls tend to do more things with language, so the patches where that’s not working are harder with them).

Re free babysitting; we had a local token based babysitting circle, so you start with 20 counters which each represent 30 mins babysitting, and swap th between you. Means you have to babysit other kids, but at least you’re out of the house. Worth trying to set one up. I don’t know what the minimum number of people you need for it is, I think we had about 15 households.

Also I do think you need to spend time with other adults. So yes, invite your friends round but also look for mums/parents who will come round in the evening and do tea/bath/pyjamas with you. It is less miserable together.

Make some mum friends. Makes a world of difference just to hang out, have a chat and tea together.

Aa I said to my son who has 50,/50 custody of his daughter, parenting very young children is 30% joy and 70%soul destroying. Its not for ever, thankfully, your DD will start nursery, then school and you will find friends through that. Are they any mum and toddler groups you could attend?

I think you are getting done advice that is off the mark.

Everything is shit and depressing when you are chronically sleep deprived. My DS was a very bad sleeper for 2 years (and is still not great at 3.5) and it is horrendous. Like all the colours drain from your world. Not everyone has this experience and if you haven't had relentlessly bad sleep for months on end you do not get it.

How involved is your partner with managing the broken nights? Would he be willing to deal with some bedtimes / night wakes to give you a break? There might well be some crying, but she's not a tiny baby any more so there is more scope for balancing her preference for you at night with your own need for sleep.

Also, what are weekends like? Is there scope for you to get some down time then while your partner takes your daughter out? It can feel like you need the whole weekend to be "family time" but there's nothing wrong with eg each of you taking a morning off and doing family stuff in the afternoon.

i have some mum friends… most make me nauseous. Maybe it’s just me but they have a child my age, a newborn on their tit, a full face of make up and are extremely sane. They talk about wanting more kids and doing side hustles because they’re bored. I still remember the first time I went to a baby group after my daughter was born. I broke down crying at the bus stop because I felt so bad about myself. I know the right people will be out there but they’re hard to find!!

There is some good advice here but some definite assumptions being made that I don’t appreciate.

when did I say I wanted to change my daughters behaviour? She behaves great and we have loads of fun. Yes I’d bloody love her to sleep but haven’t done anything other than normal healthy routine stuff to try and help her with it. Today is my day off - I’ve been to play group, coloured, done puzzles, listened to frozen, had a tea party, read at least ten stories if not more, danced, jumped, ran, sang songs (with actions), played dollies, built block towers.

You’re confusing me being depressed with me being a shit mum. Fine in this case but I’d check your attitude toward mums who struggle in general.

I give this child EVERYTHING. Probably too much.

I’ll never get these years back and you know what thank god for that. They’re horrendous. Fun but horrendous.

My nearly 3 year old is still a shit sleeper and I’m still in a survival mode. I’m much older however and had recurrent miscarriage before having my daughter, she was so wanted that I never regretted her even in my darkest moments. I might have had if I was much younger

They probably have nannies.

I know its easier said than done OP but finding some good mum friends with kids the same age makes all the difference. It’s still chaos but chaos together at least feels a bit more fun and manageable, and helps you feel less alone!

It’s so hard, and I remember grieving my pre kids life. All I can say is, it’s worth it in the end so don’t give up.

Stick with one. It won't be long before you CAN do stuff. One is fun at that point because it's manageable.

Btw your issue is the bad sleeping not your daughter. I'm willing to bet on days you do get sleep it's much easier. Everything seems better with sleep.

I think I'd be prioritising sleep and if funds allow I'd book a sleep consultant.A friend used one and it was 80 really worth spending. Child was also 2 so similar age. When you get sleep everything else is easier to deal with.

YANBU to feel like this OP.

Having no time away from your child where you can just do something for yourself is really, really hard.

The only way I just about coped is that a really good friend happened to have a baby a few months after me so we had each other to lean on for support, trips out and distraction. We’d already been friends for 15 years prior to the babies arriving so our friendship already ran quite deep, as opposed to her just being another “mum friend” where the relationship isn’t based on anything other than the fact you both have a child. It used to drive me mad when people told me to make “mum friends” as I hate enforced friendships. I was already drowning in motherhood enough without trying to find more energy to endure a superficial friendship with someone that baby aside, I had nothing in common with.

Anyway, like I said….your feelings are completely normal. The toddler years are a total slog!!!

It’s a crappy cliche, but it will get better as the years pass. In the meantime, just grit your teeth and take it day by day.

My child didn't sleep through the night until they became dry at night - I realised that it coincided, so mine was I think waking up every time they had a little wee in their nappy. They were almost 4 years old when this happened. Maybe it will be the same for yours? I had to co-sleep in the end because trying to get them back to sleep after waking took an hour or so each time. I was so tired and brittle at the time, I can't tell you. I also didn't have many friends - was living abroad until they were 3 - but I made mum friends via her nursery and school, and that helped. Just someone to stand around in the park with, or sit with at soft play. But I also did a lot of that alone.

Eye of the storm OP. Exhaustion makes everything awful. I promise things will feel better soon. There's a world of difference between 2.5 and 3.5. I absolutely know how it feels to think it will be forever before it gets easier but it really, really won't. Soon you will start getting better sleep and you will feel like a new person, that feeling like you have disappeared is not permanent, honest. My oldest was such a bad sleeper until he was about three and a half and then turned into a very sound sleeper. No sleep training, he just matured. (Then I did it again when he was 7 and got another bad sleeper but that's on me 😂)

Your friends might assume you’re too busy with family now and don’t want to disturb you. If you contacted them I’m sure they’d love to hang out with you.

It's so hard being tired and isolated.

If your dp has a window of time each week for a hobby I think you should ask for a similar slot of time for yourself. Even if it's just to go for a walk, a glass of wine, a coffee shop. Basically just a break where you aren't an employee or a mum.