Returning to work full-time after mat leave !

[KTB34]

Hi all.

Wondered if anyone else has been in this boat, looking for some reassurance.

First time Mum due to go back to work in July baby will be just over 10 months old. Looking to go back full time.

Background, working in education in a senior role, took me a long time to get there. Geographically work less than a 5min drive to work and the nursery we have picked is also within walking distance. So no long commutes!

I have loved being off with my baby (obviously have had some hard times) but the thought of leaving him every day makes me feel sick. I am looking forward to going back to work and having another purpose outside of being Mummy. But I can’t help feeling guilty of leaving him in childcare full time.

Has anybody got anything they can tell me to help me feel better about it. I have considered 4 days but would lose close to £9.5k a year just by dropping a day. Given our outgoings will be going up and we want to move house and possibly another baby in the future I think this is a massive financial loss.

Any other Mummy’s out there who have returns full time, how did you cope with these feelings?

TIA

Personally, I’d drop the day, regardless of the drop in salary. 5 days a week is massive for a baby in nursery.

Can you use your accrued holidays to stretch it out as much as poss? Nursery is expensive so think of it that way. Can you budget to spend less also ?

We both went part time but cut out on anything that wasn't food/mortgage/stuff for baby.

I kept my full time salary and did a phased return. Started on 2 day weeks using my KIT days for 5 weeks, then I used 2 days annual leave that I had accrued to have 3 day weeks for 3 months or something like that. I am now properly full time. I wouldn’t personally go straight from mat leave to actually full time all at once! Definitely do a phased return using annual leave if you can, so you and baby can adjust!

I am very happy back FT but I wfh near baby two days a week, I think it would be really hard having them in nursery 5 days a week. Would your job allow flexible working compressed hours? You could work longer hours on your working days and then have a day or even afternoon mid-week with your baby to break things up? X

I went back full time after my first and it was fine. I did that for 2 years until next DC was born. We didn’t know any different. I missed having fun with DC at baby groups but found the baby group at church helped me feel less like I was missing out on that.

Having the time off with DC1 when I was on mat leave with DC2 really changed my perspective on it though and now I work 3 days a week. We also just got used to less money! The cut in income is less because of the drop in nursery fees (especially with 2 DCs).

Sorry not to be more positive overall. I know one family where both parents work full time from the mums return to work and their DC is school age now and doing really well.

I think I’m exactly a year ahead of you. I finished my mat leave in July last year when my baby was 9 months old - also in a senior role in education. She didn’t start nursery until September (husband used annual leave to bridge the gap through July until the start of the summer holidays when I was then off with her).

On the plus side, she absolutely loves nursery. We had no problems with settling and she is so happy there. This definitely helps with the guilt I feel. She’s in for 4 days because my husband works compressed hours (so he has a day off in the week to look after her but works longer hours on the other days). If I’m completely honest, I feel a lot of sadness that I can’t be the one to take a day off to be with her, but I’m the higher earner and have a lot less flexibility in my job.

I don’t want to scare you or make you more anxious, but I think I worried about the wrong things when I was nervous about going back to work. I was worried that I’d feel guilty all the time. That’s really not been the case. The biggest problem I’ve had is that I’m now a completely different person, and I just don’t care about my job anymore. I no longer have the flexibility to put in extra hours because I have to leave by a certain time to collect my daughter from nursery, and that makes me feel like I’m always behind on admin etc. I feel like I am too tired from being a mum to be able to do my job properly, and too tired from work to be a great mum. I’m at the point now where something has to give, because I feel like working full time is unsustainable for me.

I’m sorry if that’s a really negative take, but I genuinely wish I’d known how I’d feel beforehand, and maybe found a way to manage my time better before I got sucked back onto the treadmill. So if there’s a way you can make a plan to manage your working day in advance, do it, whether that’s applying for flexible working, or arranging a couple of days a week for someone else to do pickup, or whatever it is to give yourself breathing space.

I went back to teaching full time at the beginning of January when DD was just over 10 months. My commute’s about 40 mins. She does 4 days in nursery and one day with my parents. It’s been a big adjustment but it’s been fine. DD is now settled in nursery and they do a lot of lovely activities with them that we might not do at home. Like you, finances were a big reason for going back full time as we hope to have another kid in the future so are building up some savings. I do feel a bit sorry I don’t get to spend as much time with DD as I did but holidays soon come round.

I went back to work FT after both babies. 1 at 6m and the other at 9m. I adore my children but I worked hard for my career and value my financial independence so I was never giving it up. It took a bit of adjusting to the new routine when I first returned but I have never regretted it, I've always really treasured the weekends and holidays and we have real quality time. They are happy and well adjusted primary school children.

I went back full-time after my first DC when they were the same age. It's definitely harder than going back on a 4 day week, but doable. You'll get a lot of people on posts like this saying it's too many hours in childcare, and you should do everything you can to drop hours. Not always feasible!!

Make the most of the mornings, because no matter how many days in childcare they do, most babies come home cranky and tired, ready for bed.

Figure out a rotation of easy quick meals and stick too it.

Find a childcare setting you love - second time around I paid extra for a private childminder who's like a second mum. It makes a huge difference.

Keep a spare outfit for work in the car - you will get covered in snot before work at least once a month.

The settling in weeks are the hardest. Emergency chocolate bar in the car for when you want to cry on the way to work.

Don't expect to care about your job as much anymore - amazing if you're the exception to this but most mums I know DGAF anymore.

If you can try drop late and have your partner pick up early or vice versa it helps.

Plan your AL & your partners strategically. It doesn't have to be taken at the same time as each other to benefit baby.

Give yourself grace for the first three months.

Yes, no free nursery hours either. Very hard but glad I did it.

Same here. Mine both adapted well to nursery and positively sailed in to a school environment. I am not going to lie, I found it emotionally hard at times, but a few years on I do not regret maintaining my earnings and progressing my career.

I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months old - normal maternity leave then. Not teaching but a corporate finance director. I didn’t need to work financially but had worked hard for my career and wanted to continue to progress. DH was 100% supportive.
Nursery was excellent - they remained at the same one until they started school and two of the staff became our weekly babysitters.
You and your DH need to be organised but it’s perfectly doable and your family will thrive.

I went back four days, two wfh, 3 days in nursery and one with family. I have two children now and feel completely burnt out. My days start at half 5:30am and finish at 10pm. I don’t feel guilty with my child in nursery three days a week but I do feel guilty how exhausted I am at work and at home. As another poster said it’s not always the things that our obvious at first like being in childcare five days a week it’s the burn out and how you feel outside of those times to what type of parent you are when you are actually there.

On a practical note if your child is going 5 days a week it doesn’t give you much flexibility when they are sick or not allowed in for 48 hours due to temp, stomach bug. I find my child often gets sick Friday afternoon (goes Wednesday - Friday). His able to recover Saturday - Tuesday and go back to nursery on Wednesday. Meaning I haven’t actually had to take many days off work due to sickness. If you work five days a week you will find the sickness impact you more at work.

Education teaching? Or council policy? Just because if back July, and teaching, that might then be a good short test before holidays?

personally, I couldn’t do it.

I think it’s an individual decision and everyone is entitled to their own choice.

I went back FT after both of mine and haven’t regretted it. I get a lot of satisfaction out of work and we live a comfortable life. Will be more comfortable when small one starts school in Sept!

Children are now 4 and 6 and weekend are fairly chaotic with balancing their activities and family time - my social life is fairly rare but I don’t regret any of it!

Im assuming that if you’re in education you get the school holidays off so that’s lots of time with your baby?

I went back full time when my baby was seven months BUT my partner was doing shared parental leave until 12 months. Baby then went to nursery three days a week 12-15 months and we used accrued leave to cover the rest of the days between us - it was summer and very nice. LO now at nursery four days per week and with grandparents one day.

The toughest bit for me has been when LO has been ill or we have been ill from something they bought home (most recently - whooping cough, FML I haven't had a cough this bad and lingering for over a decade). Then my partner and I have to balance out who has the most flexible day/do half days at home/plan to alternate through the 48h exclusion period.

I am lucky that our nursery is lovely, all our friends' children go there too, and my LO adores going.

No advice but wanted to say hi @KTB34 as I'm in a similar position! DD has just turned 10 months old and I'll be back working full time in the Summer Term (also in education). I love teaching but will miss spending all my time with her and nervous about juggling everything.

It’s fine. If you need to do it you need to do it. Mine have both been in childcare 5 days per week since 6 months. It’s great you’ve got minimal commute - that makes a lot of difference to ease of logistics. It does feel odd to start with but there are also some perks to being back at work and you soon get used to a new routine. I find weekends fine in terms of quality time and get timemornings and evenings too. It’s perfectly do-able and your baby will be fine.

Good morning everyone. Wow didn’t expect such a big response on this! I guess it’s a battle a lot of us Mum’s have!

For some more context as I know some people have asked, I do get annual leave but I can only take this in the school holidays 🤣 however a positive to this I can wfh during school holidays. My hours are 8-4 and I finish at 3 on Fridays, commute to nursery is short so LO can be picked up pretty quickly.

I will have 2 weeks in July to ‘trial’ it, I think that will make my mind up. Sadly my role is not one I can condense hours and would probably spend my day off (I imagine) doing admin due to the nature of the job. So if I did drop a day I suspect I’d be doing work on the evenings/weekends (which I used to do) which I also don’t want to start again as spending time with LO is going to be priority.

DH is also a teacher so no chance really of him going part-time either!

I think what will help cement my decision is what nursery we get a place at and also how those 2 weeks go. My boss is aware I considering 4 days and has already pretty much said my request could be accommodated.

It’s all such a big decision and one that definitely keeps me awake at night !

If your boss has already baisically said yes to 4 days I would try that first and go back to full time if you can’t afford it/the pay isn’t equivalent to the hours worked. It’s easier to go back to a reduced workload now than start full time and try and scale it back (speaking from experience).

Going back to work regardless of how many days you do it really hard. Most people are still very sleep deprived. Babies pick up lots of bugs so you’re always playing catch up on days missed due to sickness (and sleeping less because of ill baby). You as the parents will also probably catch at lease half of the new nursery bugs coming into the house.

The first year back or at least the first 6 months are very much something to be survived/endured.

Your working hours will at least give you some breathing room though. When I was full time DC were in nursery 8am-6pm 🫠

I did. No regrets in the slightest. We considered DH being a SAHD but my mental health was low by the end of mat leave which was a dead giveaway that it wasn’t for me. DSs went to a childminder and, 12 years on, she still does wrap around for DS2 and INSET days. DH is a teacher, which has allowed me a lot of flexibility, and my biggest cheerleader. We kept a running tally of everyone who asked if I’d be happier part time and agreed I only had to say it was a good idea when anyone had asked him the same. Never happened, despite me being less family oriented and higher earning. That said, I did go in house (accountant) after DS2 as Big 4 life was too much! So I reined in my ambitions to an extent, which I don’t regret.

The happiest mothers I know are the ones who have had a choice and made a decision for them. The least happy are those who had that decision thrust upon them.

I went back full time. That was 10 years ago.

Zero regrets as it’s what worked best for us as a family.

You will probably need that extra day with your baby, simply because nursery bugs tend to start a week or two after they begin. I found having Fridays off was a huge help, as it gave my son extra time to recover from whatever virus he picked up that week. Regardless of whether you go full-time or part-time, expect to be off work quite a lot in the first few months, whether it is you, your baby, your partner, or all of you being ill.

Like others have suggested, I did a phased return. I started settling my son into nursery two weeks before I was due back at work. That helped him adjust, but it also gave me time to adjust emotionally, which is something people do not talk about enough. Once I returned to work, I did three days a week for the first two months and then increased to four. We also phased his nursery hours, gradually building them up. We now do 8:00 to 4:30.

That said, I know other mums who went straight back full-time and leave their babies at nursery from 7:00 to 6:00, and their babies do seem to do well. I just could not do it myself. I found it heartbreaking.

When thinking about hours, it is also worth considering bedtime. By around one year old, many babies go to bed at 7pm. If pickup is at 6pm, there is almost no quality time together in the evening. It is incredibly hard, and the parent and work guilt never really goes away. It just becomes something you learn to live with.

I've gone back full time after both kids as I didn't want to lose the money. I was open to dropping a day of needed but I would have needed to know there was no other option to then take the drop in salary. In reality I have loved being back full time, kids love nursery and we have grandparents helping 1 day a week.

Careful with 4 days as you will probably end up doing 5 days worth of work for less money

Lots of teachers work part time. DH being a teacher doesn’t prevent part time working.