Son relationship with girlfriend advice asap

[Carol52]

My son has gone to see his girlfriend at university. They have been together for 3 years since secondary school. He text ed me earlier to say he needs to ring be lame when he can. I said are you ok he said not really. I was really worried. He rang for 2 minutes to say his girlfriend wants to have a break . He said they have gone to the hotel where the party is tonight and he said they have been fine now and she is talking and seems ok. He said I don’t understand it . Then he said I have to go she is back. She has said this once before. I said ring if you need me. I am worried I don’t want to text him now but I am still worried . Any advice .i don’t like her saying that again.

I don't have any words of advice but I didn't want to read and run. My son recently went through a break up, it was such a difficult time for him so I understand how worrying it is for you especially as your not sure starts going on ❤️

Your adult son is having issues with his adult girlfriend and possibly breaking up

so as mummy you leave them to it and be there when he comes home and might want to talk about it?

not sure what else you can do

I understand. It’s the fact he rang then cut the call because she came back.

Can I ask how old your son was and how long the relationship. Us he ok now

He's 18 and they had been together almost 2 years, she messed him around for a month, leading him to think they would get back together but she had met someone else, it was an awful time for him. He is doing much better now though. I just made sure I was there for him and listened to him when he wanted to talk about it.

Thank you I hope you son is ok. It’s a worry I know they are adults but when your son says he needs to talk . I know he is worried. Best of luck

Young people's relationships rarely survive the switch to university, especially (it is not clear from OP if this is the case) if one member of the couple went on to higher education and the other did not. People grow and change and get exposed to new people. There are, to be sure, civilized ways of breaking off a relationship and it doesn't appear that the young woman in question is aware of them. And perhaps the young man wasn't very sophisticated about seeing the writing on the wall?

They are both at university. Yes.

It’s still hard to remain together as a couple if they’re still at Uni but separate Unis. Wheb is he due to leave her place?

My don gas rung me early hours . The girlfriend has said she needs a break. However they have gone to a ball this evening and over her shoulder my don has seen a message to a boy who is attending the same bell. It said I have told him I F@@@@@ hate it tonight. My don is in bits but they have to go back to get his stuff. I have told him to be strong and I will come and pick him up . He said everyone seems to know at the ball. He heard one group of boys say look at him why is he here. What an awful situation. She told him a break but to this other boy she has said finish. Any advice

OP - the only thing you can do is stop stressing. He will be upset. You let him talk and you listen. That’s it. Pick him up if he wants that but let him do the talking. Don’t act like it’s a crisis. He’s probably humiliated and wounded but he’s not going to feel better if you are acting like it’s the worst thing to ever happen!

It’s obviously over and she, for whatever reason, just doesn’t want to tell him.

When are you picking him up? Does he go to Uni close to home?

What a bitch. I think it’s lovely he can clearly lean on you as an 18 year old. Just listen to him and don’t say the cliche ‘ plenty more fish in the sea’ he’s well rid and he’ll see that in his own time

Agreed. It's sad for him, but just part of life's rich tapestry. Don't over blow this, he'll end up feeling it is some massive crisis which is harder to get over.

I can see why you are sad for your son, and therefore why you'd like to offload about it, but I don't understand why you need "advice".

There's nothing for you to do exactly. What your son is going through is a very common rite of passage for young people: the first messy breakup around 19-21yo. It is devastating for him at the time but he'll survive and it'll help him grow into the man he'll become.

Just be there to give him a hug and a cup of tea but don't overthink it.

And there's no need to recriminate the girl. These things happen, you don't know the full story, there's no need to micromanage your son's recovery from his breakup

Just collect him and move on.
Far too much He Said/She Said in your post. There’s two sides to every story.

His GF. wants to break up, sad for your son but it happens and he’ll get over it.

What advice are you looking for? Relationship ended, not easy for your son but you need to cut the apron strings and let him navigate his own path in life.

He won't see it now , but in a few weeks / months will see it in a different light . She's shown him who is really is .
It's nice he can feel he can come to you , but you will be doing him a favour if you can keep out of it . Don't judge or bad mouth her to him , you don't know everything about their relationship from her prospective .

Unless everyone marries their first major boyfriend or girlfriend, this happens. The first year is notorious for this. People going home to break up because they’d met some one else or as boy/girlfriend coming to visit and it being a break up weekend. I had a horrible one myself.

But all you can do is be there, don’t talk badly about the girlfriend, that will not help him now or his relationships with women in the future. Just listen, provide home comforts if he come home and encourage him to carry on while his broken heart mends.

Agree with all the advice and that it's great he's reached out to you. Also agree with the not saying plenty more fish etc. Talk about people changing and needing different things instead. Reinforce his strengths, what you love about him, how well he is handling it and how strong it was of him to even go to the ball. Show him you believe he will get over it, even if it feels like he won't right now. Just be there if he needs. That's all you can do.

Does he have a good friendship group to also lean on?

Why is she a ‘bitch’? This is what happens with young people. My dd is at uni and they’re always in relationships one minute and splitting up the next. Please don’t use misogynist language to describe young women learning to live in the world. Yes, it’s horrible for the OP’s son but it’s a rite of passage for many and he will get through it.

Op. Nothing you can do other than support and sympathy. He will get through it and be stronger for it.

I wouldn't use that language, but agree she has behaved badly, she should have just ended things with dignity all round, not messing him about with taking breaks and getting back together. But we were all young once, and many of us foolish with it.

At 18 nobody teaches you how to navigate this. Most young people aren’t going to be shining examples of dignified diplomacy and empathy when they break up with someone. It’s always messy where emotions are involved. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel really sorry for this young woman unknowingly labelled a ‘bitch’ and ‘badly behaved’ for just splitting up with a boyfriend. Hardly crime of the century. Parents should just not get involved.

I think this is the problem when they go to uni, it opens up so many people from all walks of life and lots of relationships end even if they go to the same uni.

I would just go and collect your son and any stuff he has taken with him, he needs to know his parents always have his back for this sort of thing. Of course he will be devastated. She hasn't behaved well but no one is guiding her through what she should do when she wants to be with a new person. She should have been honest but I think maybe she was edging her bets with both boys. She has played with your son's feelings but she may have also done the same to this boy at the ball.

I had a boyfriend who I met at uni, we were together 3 years but he stayed on for a masters. I visited him and I just knew everything had changed. A girl came to his room and I just knew they were seeing each other and clearly everyone else in their friendship group knew and for some reason he just couldn't be honest with me. I returned home and I ended the relationship from there. It was still hard.

Thank you . She rang him from the room so he had to go. I just think the way she has done it , is not nice at all. My son has gone to a huge party of people and it seems all her friends know and talking about it. Even her dad. She ignored him most of the night. He rang his friend last night who said he would come and get him . My son had to go back to her uni flat to collect things and he says j don’t want to be sitting there . He does not want to get the train . So I have set off if when he rings me he round prefer his friend to pick him up I will turn round and go home but he is over two hours away so I don’t want him hanging around. I get relationships change but why book a holiday a month ago. Last night she cuddled him and then she said oh I thought it was and said another lads name. I have said people change and drift apart at university. I am trying to just listen when he speaks

It’s an awful situation for him but all you can do is support him.

They're at a stage in life where there are big changes and often “young love” relationships don’t survive. That’s ok. He will move on but it will be hard at first, all you can do is support him, there’s nothing to be done to change the situation.