Son relationship with girlfriend advice asap

[Carol52]

My son has gone to see his girlfriend at university. They have been together for 3 years since secondary school. He text ed me earlier to say he needs to ring be lame when he can. I said are you ok he said not really. I was really worried. He rang for 2 minutes to say his girlfriend wants to have a break . He said they have gone to the hotel where the party is tonight and he said they have been fine now and she is talking and seems ok. He said I don’t understand it . Then he said I have to go she is back. She has said this once before. I said ring if you need me. I am worried I don’t want to text him now but I am still worried . Any advice .i don’t like her saying that again.

Nothing like the first heartbreak is there? It is something they need to navigate themselves.

I now realise that none of the teens/early twenties relationships from my friendship group from school/uni could possibly survive. Nobody could afford to stay living in the commuter town I grew up in. The housing crisis scattered us all. I could only see it in retrospect though. Like that song from St Elmos Fire “Growing up, you don’t see the writing on the wall”.

They are just two young people navigating relationships, maybe for the first time. Try not to be too harsh about her OP. It’s not nice for your DS but it sounds as though they both have time to grow and learn from this.

It all sounds very dramatic but I think it’s also entirely normal at this stage in their lives. You meet so many people at university that I think it would have been really strange for this relationship to have survived. She sounds to have behaved badly but she’s only a kid too in the scheme of things. (Calling her a ‘bitch’ isn’t very helpful). There really are plenty more fish in the sea which he’ll come to realise in a few weeks. I wouldn’t get too involved if only for your son’s credibility with his contemporaries.

On just rang she is going food shopping before she goes drops him at her uni . He said she was not talking to me now in the shop she is laughing a bit more positive. I fear he is reading the signs wrong. I just want him to realise how she has been with him. I feel she may be stringing him along a bit

It’s up to him to read the situation. I wouldn’t be commenting either way.

Why hasn’t he left already?

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You need to back off and let your son deal with this. Very strange that he’s constantly in contact with you giving you an in-depth account of what’s happening.

The relationship is going nowhere. Be there to support him but you don’t need a running commentary on the situation. Even the title of your post screams panic from both of you. You cannot control how other people think and act.

Maybe his gf thought he was still too attached to the apron strings

You are way too involved. I appreciate that that's mostly driven by your son telling you every minute detail but you have to gently push back on that because it's too intimate imo for a mum to be that involved in the minutiae of her son's romantic relationship.

If I were you I'd be gently laughing it off saying things like "we've all been there, it hurts now but this is all part of growing up from an adolescent to an adult, you wouldn't want to miss out on key life experiences like this, both the rough and the smooth etc"

Be light hearted, even patronising.

The goal is to help raise a resilient young man who takes setbacks in his stride. If you encourage him to give you every detail and commiserate with what a "bitch" the ex is (!!) then he'll move towards the passive, resentful, woman-hating end of the spectrum.

2weeks on and he is still thinking they may get back together. I have had him on the phone for hours a day when he is not in lectures and be not at work. She has not contacted him at all. He rang her mum to confirm firm he had cancelled their holiday . I have been trying to tell him she has probably got someone else. I am now getting hard on him because he just is not listening I don’t know end else to do.

It’s hard but does he really want to be with someone that treats him like that?
sounds like she could have dealt with it better but he just needs to move on.
ask him if would he have her back? And if he says yes then advise him she’ll just do it again, she obviously doesn’t care about him anymore or have any respect for him

For anyone who thinks young men sail through life without getting hurt, it’s just not true.
I know lots of posters feel you are too involved but I think for a lad your son’s age, it’s not always easy to talk to friends.
In the long run, it will be better for him to experience his own Uni, make new friends and live a little.
Romantically, she is all he knows.
It is better he talks to you than talk to no one at all. Remember young men of his age can develop mental health issues partly because they not open up.
The only thing they heals this is time. She’s not covered herself in glory, but young people often go through these stages. The girlfriend no doubt will meet some lads who treat her badly along the way. That’s her path.
At least they are not at the same Uni.
All you can do is listen, really, encourage him to see his friends.
It is a horrible experience we have all been through it more than once.

Definitely this.
My DD went to uni with a 3 yr relationship behind her. First two years they managed and she used to go out, but not loads but then they split up and she started going out more, now she is having the time of her life and hasn’t looked back

Oh dear, he will need to accept it’s over. Some lads do this, I had ir happen to me when I was in my late teens, and the lad pined and stalked for years after. It’s so awful,

as hard as it is, don’t moly coddle him, she’s just being nice and trying to soften it when he’s there, as she’s worried about his reaction, instead of spelling it out, an easy mistake to make at any age, we have all done it. Of course far better to just tell him straight, but easy to say that.

if anything just tell him accept it’s over, I will pick you up if required, keep your dignity and respect her decision. Anything else is unacceptable.

Two weeks isn’t long at all to get over your fist broken heart.

For his good, all you can do is listen (as per pp lots of men don’t open up to their friends).

AND you make sure it’s not about the girl and her actions. They are young, they won’t stay with the same person forever and even if she could have been more sensitive, at that age everyone is learning and he would probably have felt just as broken anyway. If he’s made to feel this girl treated him badly and it’s unfair etc then he’ll have trouble moving forward and be looking for problems in future relationships rather than developing some resilience and perspective which is what early relationships can teach you.

i am saying to him all the red flags that are appearing from what he says . She has someone else He still says he would take get back. He has friends to talk to Which have been there for him. I am getting frustrated he would take her back in a second did she messaged him. I know it’s only 2 weeks

Please stop talking to him about red flags.
He has not been abused.
She has gone to Uni after being in a long relationship, been swamped with male attention, and has acted like many other 18 year olds.
She has not dealt with it well, but I bet most adults can think of a situation where they have delivered a broken heart to someone else in their teens.
I can remember it well, and it was four decades ago now.
Just keep encouraging him to talk to his friends. And while I said upthread it’s good to talk maybe it’s time for you to add some perspective.
The chances are at some point someone will do her dirty and she might want her ‘nice’ boyfriend back.
It is how young people learn and grow.
But I’d definitely leave red flags out of the conversation. It can get a bit dangerous.

Op please don’t do this, she’s trying ri end it, talking about red flags is silly, you need to get him to understand it’s over.

Also please don’t suggest someone will do her dirty and she will want him back, it is very rare they go back, she will move on,

I’ve worked with young people of that age and seen every type of behaviour. Some move on and some don’t, at least not straight away. It can feel very dramatic and intense for them at the time.
They are all learning about life so the chances of the girl meeting someone who sees her as a short term thing without her realising are quite high.
She’s only really known one steady, safe relationship.
And it’s not just youth. There are so many threads on here women leaving marriages, and then encountering all manner of behaviours which they are shocked by or don’t recognise.
But at 18 it really is a learning curve and a lot of the kids involved, in fact nearly all of the ones I’ve worked with, are really decent. They are really just asserting their independence for the first time.

Thank you I will. He is a good looking lad hopefully he will gain confidence. He did go out last night

My then 23 year old son had a break up 2 years ago
he was absolutely devastated, nearly stopped him taking his finals

I was there for him, loved him, but also made him see the bigger picture

she wanted to come back a few months later and he said absolutely not, I was very proud of his boundaries

2 years on, the finals were sat and a first achieved, he has a new girlfriend who he is very happy with

you are not interfering, you are feeling the pain of the person you love most in the world, it’s hard

My sons girlfriend did cheat, and then did want to go back

even though he adored her, and all their plans to move in together had to be undone, he didn’t take her back. I would have accepted his choice if he had, but these young people have much better boundaries than me !

X girlfriend sent a snap photo. Son responded. She said oh it was not meant for you. He asked if she was ok . She just thumbed up. . He still thinks she will contact him and try again. He said I am getting hard on him but I keep saying it looks like she has moved on just forget it now. I don’t know what else to say. Even some of his friends are not asking him now .

I can’t remember if his Dad is on the scene. If he is, I think it’s time he took him out and had a chat about when it’s time to move on. His ex clearly doesn’t want your DS in her life of any way avd he’s beginning to maje a bit of a fool of himself.

I think the ex is goading him she knew full well who she was sending it to!