Son relationship with girlfriend advice asap

[Carol52]

My son has gone to see his girlfriend at university. They have been together for 3 years since secondary school. He text ed me earlier to say he needs to ring be lame when he can. I said are you ok he said not really. I was really worried. He rang for 2 minutes to say his girlfriend wants to have a break . He said they have gone to the hotel where the party is tonight and he said they have been fine now and she is talking and seems ok. He said I don’t understand it . Then he said I have to go she is back. She has said this once before. I said ring if you need me. I am worried I don’t want to text him now but I am still worried . Any advice .i don’t like her saying that again.

What would you all do if it was you son . Running out of ideas

Do nothing OP except relax and be there if he needs you.

He rings all the time If I am not at work and he is not in university.

Tell him if he is old enough for a relationship he is old enough to realise they may break up at some stage

Refer to the situation as a breakup.
You be gentle but real.
Refer to her as his ex.
Remind him that he had some greattimes with his ex but that many relationships do not last long term.

Collect and give him the numbers of a couple of the counsellors at his uni so that he can phone them to make an appointment if he needs to discuss deeply his feelings.

You are not a professional and sometimes young men (much more than young women) decide to end their lives after a breakup.

Suggest that DS does contact a professional if you think he should.

Send his Dad up there to take him out fishing one weekend soon.

Nothing here is an urgent issue. You’re too overly invested in what is a routine event people experience.

She may or may not have met someone else, but the bigger point is - she isn’t enthusiastic about wanting to be with your son, to the extent of breaking up with him. And that’s fine, she’s allowed to leave it was always a potential outcome of any relationship

You’re being unhelpful by constantly discussing this with your son as he’s responding by getting him into a pent up headspace where he’s thinking about her in a loop and is stuck in limbo. However she clearly doesn’t want to be in the relationship so it’s better for his mental health if he focuses on himself, his friends etc. so why keep reopening the wound with him? You need to divert his attention and redirect him and not engage with him about her specifically. Yes they have broken up and that was the big life event but not every conversation needs to cycle back around to her and what she’s now doing, who she’s now talking to or whether she will change her mind or whatever else. He needs distance from the situation.

Excellent post and I agree with all the comments.

OP, why are you still so involved in this relationship. It ended three weeks ago and both you and your son needs to move on. You son is overloading you with information and you need to stop engaging in all of his drama.

Yes it’s not easy dealing with a relationship ending and being rejected but this happens and you as his mother needs to step back from the level of involvement in it. So what is she said she sent something in error, stop making a big deal out of this. Your son sounds extremely immature and you need to cut the apron strings at this stage. It’s time to move on now

I am not involved as such. My don just wants to talk about it most of the time. He thinks she just needs space and then will contact. He is getting there but it’s hard

I feel for you, and your son. It’s nice he’s got you to talk it through with. It’s horrible when a relationship ends x

I know people might say it’s been a few weeks he needs to move on.
When your first relationship has been a long one, then it is going to take time.
The only thing that heels it is time.
As an adult all you can do is patient and supportive and offer some new thoughts/insights/experiences.

You both need to figure out boundaries regarding this.

He needs to know you’re always there to support him and you need to let him experience life

I say this meaning no offence but it might be something he’s doing causing her behaviour

So they don’t attend the same uni? I get he’s young but really an adult and you want to protect your son but you need to let him go a bit!

yes he’s going to be hurt, we’ve all been there and it probably won’t be his 1st heartbreak either. Remember you only know what he’s telling you, there’s always more to it.

welcome to grown adult life

Thank you for your posts. He rang her to ask for his things back at her house. He said she was upset but said she slept with the guy a day after they broke up. My son said that has really upset him. She is back from university and he said she would let him come round to get his things but he is still waiting. I have said she may not want to see you . Understand she has moved on and may just text you when she has gone back to uni. Even now he still says they may get back together in the future. He has chatted to a few girls and gone on one date but he said it’s not the same. I want him to move on as she has but I also said he needs to heal and get his confidence back as it’s not far on anyone else. His mates said just have a good time.its 6 weeks I was hoping he would not be still talking about it so much but then its better to talk then hold it in

Why are you asking for urgent advice? What do you need advising on and where is the urgency?

Unless I’m missing a major back story such as your DS is a vulnerable adult (suicidal tendencies or learning disabilities)?

He’s an adult, having very typical young-adult relationship dynamics. Why on earth are you flapping and panicking and needing advice? You’ll do him no favours by becoming angst-riddled on his behalf. Back off, be there if he needs a cuddle, and calm down.

Blimey. He needs to toughen up a bit and stop contacting his ex.

Why is he torturing himself? Surely none of the stuff is that important.

Maybe say firmly - for a final time - that he needs to move on even though it is hard. Remind him that each time he communicates with her it is not helping him to move on. I would also say that unless he starts helping himself there is not much you can do.

This seems like the adult version of helicopter parenting.

6 weeks is not a long time after such a long term relationship even at his age. As it is his first one, it has hit him hard.
She has probably wanted to move on for a while, and so already had one foot out of the door.
It is easy for us to say go out and have a good time, but you can’t force anyone to get over something except in time.
It is best he does not contact her again and he might have to accept he will never get his things back. That’s a tough one we have all had to leave stuff behind.
She clearly doesn’t want to see him.
It is very sad for your son but it takes time. It’s better that he talks about it than bottled it up.

Did this happen a few months ago?

Sending sympathy. Three years is a long time to have been together and six weeks is not long enough for some people to recover from a break up. The gf knew it was coming. She had time to get used to it.

He's doing well, going out and even trying dating. I think it's good, if he was committed to her that he's not just fallen in love with someone else.

Tell him to take his time. It's ok to hurt and hoping to get back together is simply a sign that he's still hurting. He can't yet imagine being with someone else. Tell him to concentrate on his friends, having some fun, and getting on with uni work. And keep listening to him whilst he's feeling sad. It's lovely that he trusts you to tell you, but perhaps set a time limit on the calls, when he phones, so that he's not just going round in circles.

Just validate his feelings when he calls. It's a listening technique to show someone that they are being heard. You dont have to offer advice. Just let him know your can hear how he is feeling.
It is tough, having to cope with this . . .
This is why they call it heartbreak. It hurts . . .
You will be happy again one day, but for now it's ok to feel sad/angry/confused. It's normal to feel that way . . .

Hang on in there! My 80 year old Mum found it really hard when her 50 year old son went through a v painful divorce!! Being a good mum doesn't stop when they are strapping young men or even older men. You still want to make everything ok for them, but you have to remember that you can't. You can just support them through whatever is next.

I wouldn’t worry too much about that. He wouldn’t want her to know he was talking to you about what was going on and if he’d said he was talking to you it’s unlikely she would believe he wasn’t talking about their issues, even if he lied.

Take some comfort in knowing that he feels able to go to you for a bit of support and wait for him to get back in touch

Not a comment needed to be honest. Just because I ask questions and am there for my son is not a bad thing. I can give advice I can listen . I may give my opinion sometimes even if it not needed but the saying goes if you can’t say kind words say silent

Having been through similar I can only advise that you are there as a listening ear and shoulder to cry on without telling them what to do . Remind them how amazing they are , let them know you are always there for them and that they deserve to be loved for just how they are and they will be one day.
it’s not nice to see your children upset whether they are babies or grown ups . Don’t feel bad for feeling anxious and stressed about it but beware this site has many people who feel that once your kids turn 16 you should have no involvement in their lives and are weird if these things do upset you as a parent .

Thank you for your quote.
Everyone parents differently but I agree whether my children are 6 16 26 etc I am there and will listen and advise. Many people on here have children who have had a long break up . You can listen for hour days weeks but at some point I needed to say . It is really over and to accept that you can start to move on