Why do some mums feel the need to bring other mums down?

[SendHelpandSnacks]

This is a bit of a rant, but I'd be interested to know people's opinions...
I was in town this morning and my son was having a full tantrum, laying on the wet floor in the centre of town (he's 2 next month) I was leaving him for a couple of minutes to see if he'd give up, as he's obviously not gaining anything from it.
This older woman came up to me and said "from a mum to adult children and grandchildren, these are the easiest years, it only gets harder from here"
Now to me, this is really triggering, as I've struggled with anxiety and depression since my son's been born, feeling like I'm not cut out for all of this. So to be told that these are the EASIEST years.... That just sends me into a panic. She also said "you must enjoy this time as it goes by so quickly" ... Like wow... Thanks for that. My toddler is currently screaming on the floor. That's exactly what I needed to hear.
And I know people love to say "oh you wait... " "You wait til the teenage years"
But seriously?! Why do people enjoy doing that to fellow mums?
I know teenagers are another story, but surely if you bring your child up with enough love, compassion and support, you can hope that they'll grow into smart, well rounded people. There's nothing well rounded about toddlers!! It was my 30th birthday this week and on my BD my toddler was having full tantrums and deliberately trying to pull my hair! Then people asked how I feel turning 30 and I just didn't know how to respond, I feel emotionally and physically exhausted 🤣 so when people say it only gets harder... I just feel at a loss..
I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve from this, I guess I just wanted to rant about this lady as it baffled me so much.
But if anyone has anything more positive to say, I'd love to hear it 😂
Many thanks x

I doubt she was trying to bring you down but intended to be nice to you in a supportive way and didn’t realise the impact. Unless you really think she was being malicious?

have you sought help for your anxiety and depresssion?

I think you need to reframe this as you seem to be stuck in an odd thought pattern. One woman said something to you that most people would laugh about and you jumped to generalizing an entire sex/childbearing status combo.

Ugh. The toddler years are brutal. I don't care how much of a nightmare my DD's are when they are teens it won't compare. Eldest DD is nearly 7 and it has been night and fucking day, she's SO easy now it's unreal.

And the people who tell me to "enjoy every second" whilst I'm at work having had minutes of sleep thanks to my non-sleeping toddler can fuck right off too.

People forget. That can surely be the only option. They forget what it's like in the trenches of toddlerhood or they only remember the cute stuff.

In no way are the toddler years the easiest. Load of bollocks. 🌺

I also want to add that I previously posted about my struggles with toddlerhood and I received so many wonderful messages that gave me so much hope ❤️ so if any of those people are reading this now, I haven't forgotten what you said 🙏🏼 I've just been slightly aet back by this morning's events 😂

Why on earth would this be funny?
You approach a mum who is trying her best to remain calm in this situation and you tell her it's only going to get worse?? I'm sorry, but I don't see how that's funny? And I have a great sense of humour!

I think she might have been trying to be supportive? In a very clumsy way. As in, it’s just a phase, don’t give up.

I have 2 teenagers now and they can be challenging in certain ways but my goodness, they are so much easier than a toddler! If nothing else, you can leave them to it in the house and go for a walk to calm down!

I also had the tantruming toddler - thank you no.2 DC. I won’t pretend he’s a delight now always, absolutely not, but at least I don’t have to carry him kicking and screaming. It does get easier IMO. We’re all just doing our best.

She wasn’t trying to bring you down! That’s a really odd conclusion to jump to. Does she know that you’re struggling? Does she know about your depression and anxiety? If she was a stranger all she saw was a woman letting her tantrumming son work out that throwing a tantrum isn’t going to get him anywhere. Completely normal and unremarkable thing. I think it reflects more on you that you took what she said personally. I’d have found solidarity in a grandmother who’s been there and done that and lived to tell the tale, probably have said something like “don’t say that, this is exhausting enough as it is!” with a laughing groan.

Oof I hate the “just you wait” comments, it’s just a smug remark made by dick heads

I was having a rough moment with my baby a couple of months ago and a guy gestured to his daughter (looked around 12) and said “oh wait until she’s this age”. I’m mid 30’s and he obviously thought it was my first child. I took immense joy in replying “oh yes my other one is 15, wait until yours hits that age”. I’d never say something like that normally but I couldn’t resist after being patronised like that

toddler years are objectively awful, there’s no reasoning with a knee high tyrant that insists on breakdancing in Sainsbury’s because you won’t buy the magazine (that they already have) it does get better, this bit in particular is really hard

I dont think she was bringing you down, I think she was sharing a rather narrow minded view from her own experience and hadn't considered how negative it would sound. (I mean she might as well have said "it's all downhill from here" which is hardly helpful!)

If i had heard her say that I would have turned away and rolled my eyes because compared to my experience (my kids are 20 and 11 now) she would have been talking utter shit. My two were both total arseholes as toddlers. They did my head in. Youngest was a bolter too which was terrifying. There are different challenges at every age but so far they've got easier and easier and are now fab company.

It’s a ‘you’ problem. The woman was just trying to express solidarity with you. Your interpretation of the intent behind her words was wrong, and was coloured by what seems like your own feelings of inadequacy.

If someone’s not in a great place mentally, it’s easy to misinterpret others’ words as judgemental or unkind. Forget her and focus on yourself.

I also really dislike comments like this, even if kindly meant they are very unhelpful. Especially while you're in the middle of a toddler meltdown!

I think there are some people who genuinely try to say something positive and supportive but can't help but say something negative that makes it worse.

I agree that at the time that comment was unhelpful and annoying! I just think once I'm getting more sleep anything will be easier than currently!

Thank you @Bims2019 I really appreciate that. Im in shock that people are actually coming to the conclusion that it's a "me" problem 😂 and that the lady was just being supportive. To me, being supportive is making someone feel better, not telling them "it's going to get much harder from here"
I don't know what their definition of the word support is, lol

Oh dear, toddlers are adorable but hard, hard work.

I found the teenage years a breeze compared to the baby and toddler years which were brutal.

I suspect from what she said that the lady is having a a really hard time with her own family, looked at your little one and thought “things were simpler in those days”.

She’s forgetting the physical demands of looking after a toddler, the lack of sleep and the relentlessness of it all.

Her comment was all about her, it was nothing to to do with you.

The toddler years are hard work but they are learning and developing so much at this age that every three months or so everything gets a wee bit easier. That won’t be helpful just now because 3 months feels like a lifetime (I remember well what it was like) but you will get there.

💐💐💐💐💐

She was trying to be supportive but it in didn’t land that way either you.

She was trying to be be helpful and made an amusing comment that didn't resonate well with you. She would not have known about your personal issues. It was well intentioned and not meant to be a dig at you, or an accurate assessment of your future with your child.

Thank you for such a well worded response @FavouriteBlueMug
I can see how she may be experiencing a completely different life to mine, and people do look back on these years through rose tinted glasses and forget the actual reality of life with a toddler.
I'm so glad to hear you also found the baby and toddler stage brutal and that teenage years were a breeze 🙏🏼 that's been really helpful, thank you 💐

comparing parenting a toddler to parenting a teen is just illogical. They require very different things and someone can hate parenting tricky toddlers but be awesome at parenting tricky teens. There is a reason that teacher mostly specialize in one age group as they require different skill sets.

It sounds like you were responding perfectly to your tantrumming toddler and from my perspective, parents that think deeply about how they respond to their children and look at the long term rather than the next 5 mins(which is what you were doing) make excellent parents for the long term too.

Hang in there. this too shall pass is a phrase that got me through some very stinky parenting years

She was just expressing her opinion - exactly as you are here about how hard you are finding parenting a toddler. Which isn’t going to help those reading this with small babies.. all ages with children have their challenges. Parenting is hard.. People saying teenage years were a breeze/ harder than having a toddlers isn’t helpful as you have no idea what your kids will be like.. you made a choice to have a child .. it’s joyful how much they love you when they are little and you will miss the cuddles and love you get. Focus on the good bits a bit more..each age brings good bits and tougher bits - it’s life!

Is there another parent on the scene? Could they have taken care of the toddler on your birthday?

Awful that you had your 30th birthday ruined.

It’s not true anyway - well my oldest is 10 so I don’t have teenage experience yet - but it’s so much easier compared to a 1/2 year old!! Don’t worry at all. Toddlers can be so hard and there is no reasoning with them

Some people regret being parents and like to point out the bits they don't like as they need people to join them in their misery.

It's not expressing solidarity for her to tell you that your shit time is not enough, like it doesn't hit some magical bar of shitness so it doesn't count.

I agree, someone will be reading this with a new born thinking oh my god, the toddler years are brutal.

it kinda works all ways, I also think this lady was trying ro be kind and it just landed wrong as she wasn’t to know the op was finding it brutal. Many toddlers will have a tantrum and the parent doesn’t find it brutal. Many will find the whole age brutal, that’s parenting, everyone is an individual,

I suspect if you really think about it you know this woman wasn’t coming over to have a go at you. But due to your current circumstances you’re interpreting it that way,