Why do some mums feel the need to bring other mums down?

[SendHelpandSnacks]

This is a bit of a rant, but I'd be interested to know people's opinions...
I was in town this morning and my son was having a full tantrum, laying on the wet floor in the centre of town (he's 2 next month) I was leaving him for a couple of minutes to see if he'd give up, as he's obviously not gaining anything from it.
This older woman came up to me and said "from a mum to adult children and grandchildren, these are the easiest years, it only gets harder from here"
Now to me, this is really triggering, as I've struggled with anxiety and depression since my son's been born, feeling like I'm not cut out for all of this. So to be told that these are the EASIEST years.... That just sends me into a panic. She also said "you must enjoy this time as it goes by so quickly" ... Like wow... Thanks for that. My toddler is currently screaming on the floor. That's exactly what I needed to hear.
And I know people love to say "oh you wait... " "You wait til the teenage years"
But seriously?! Why do people enjoy doing that to fellow mums?
I know teenagers are another story, but surely if you bring your child up with enough love, compassion and support, you can hope that they'll grow into smart, well rounded people. There's nothing well rounded about toddlers!! It was my 30th birthday this week and on my BD my toddler was having full tantrums and deliberately trying to pull my hair! Then people asked how I feel turning 30 and I just didn't know how to respond, I feel emotionally and physically exhausted 🤣 so when people say it only gets harder... I just feel at a loss..
I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve from this, I guess I just wanted to rant about this lady as it baffled me so much.
But if anyone has anything more positive to say, I'd love to hear it 😂
Many thanks x

@Notsosweetcaroline thank you.. I didn’t phrase it well but the op is being pretty hypocritical- complaining about someone else complaining about how hard they found the teenage years when she’s complaining about the toddler years..

Irrespective of the continual hyperbolic language which makes it difficult to know how big this was I would say she was trying to be supportive. It may not have seemed so or you didn’t like it but she wasn’t bringing you down. You heard it this way because of how you are feeling.

And not all parents had toddlers who had continual tantrums let alone threw themselves into puddles or pulled hair so maybe she saw this as a one off to look back and smile about.

I think you have overreacted here.

Ok, so I don’t agree with you but I want to know why this could be considered to be supportive? (Please read that in a neutral and questioning tone, though it’s hard over text I realise). I’m trying to understand why someone would think this as it’s been said to me in the past and it makes my blood boil but I’m willing to admit that I am wrong.

Wow, thank you for this @WannabeMathematician
I can't believe I'm being called a hypocrite 😂 I mean this is why I've only ever posted 2 times on Mumsnet in 2 years, as you always get some really cruel responses. I'm not being a hypocrite and I'm certainly not trying to upset people with newborns, how did it come to this?
People just blow my mind... I was simply stating what a woman said to me today which I found really unhelpful and quite upsetting, I was just looking for some moral support and yet I get told that the problem is me!

@gingerperil how on earth am I being hypocritical? I'm just saying how unhelpful it is for people to offer such a negative opinion when I'm clearly in a stressful situation with a tantruming toddler. I didn't ask her for her opinion, I was just minding my own business. She came up to me to deliver very negative advice on how it only gets harder from here. I'm not being a hypocrite for complaining about her! And the comment that I'd be scaring people with young children is totally false, to all the people with younger kids, I tell them how much more enjoyable it gets and how funny they can be (unlike some who love to do the whole "oh you just wait")
But I guess everyone sees things differently

How annoying! Some people have no ability to “read the room”.

Both of my DC’s got easier to parent as each year went by. As teenagers one cried a lot and one grunted a lot, but that’s to be expected with all the hormones running through them. YMMV.

Because the other lady wasn’t allowed to share her experience of parenting but it’s ok for you to share your (unasked for negative) experiences here??

Sharing stuff on a forum is pretty normal to me. It's nothing like going to up to a person and sharing something unsolicited.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I read it (and agree with you it’s hard over text) to say even though it’s tough in this moment it isn’t always like this and you will look back and smile at these moments.

Wow, you're unbelievable 🤣🤣

Ha, what a cow!
I would have said, ‘Wow, I’m so sorry you had such a difficult time with yours as they got older, that must have been awful’ with a sympathetic smile.

She’s taking bollocks by the way, don’t worry. Preschoolers and older are brilliant in my experience, plenty of good times ahead! Some hard days too of course, but you’re definitely in the hardest bit now.

Absolutely spot on! Thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you for this 🙏🏼 I really appreciate that you saw it in the same way I did 😂 but I'm glad to hear that wasn't the case in your experience 🤞🏼

To be fair ro her, It might have been ill timed but I think she's right. The early years are definitely the easy bit

@WorkCleanRepeatReally?! I find it so much easier now I can do things like take one to his swimming lesson leaving the other two entertaining themselves at home, and the youngest can get himself changed for swimming, take himself for a wee etc. It’s a dream compared to tantruming toddlers in my opinion, as sweet as toddlers can be.

Everyone finds different stages the easiest / hardest I guess.

Either way, it was a horrible thing to say to a mum obviously struggling.

I also think she’s right, but appreciate that some people would rather not have others approach them to attempt to provide solidarity in a tricky situation.

It's strange how different people find different stages more tricky isnt it. I found it easy enough when I was in control of the routine.

Letting go and allowing some independence im finding far more anxiety inducing.

Agreed.

Oh OP, I see you and was you yesterday! Literally had the full force of the worst tantrum ever with my youngest who kicked off royally on the way back from town. They’ve been unwell and I think must have been overtired. The screaming was next level, it got so bad I had to pull over as it was making me unsafe to drive as my ears were bleeding and I had to get them out of the car (they were hitting the window) to try and calm down in the street. Anyone who heard must have thought I was inflicting some kind of terrible torture! It was bad enough and I didn’t get any ‘helpful’ comments like you got.

I don’t know if this helps at all, but if I had seen you lovely I would have come up and told you that you are not alone and this too shall pass 🩷 and asked what you coffee/ cake order is and popped to a caff to pick up a mum-to-mum boost for you (with optional hug!)

The way I have rationalised it is the toddler/ young child brain is unable to handle all the tide of emotions we have. They get overwhelmed and don’t have the tools to deal with it yet so it bursts out in crazy ways sometimes. Does this help me in the moment? Not really(!) but when the dust settles I think yeah, it makes sense. I wonder in some ways whether a blazing tantrum is actually a healthier expression of emotion overload than all the internalised stress we do as grown ups when it all gets too much. At least they’ve released all that anger and frustration in that moment, we tend to carry, bury or mask ours, especially when life is so busy, and it builds up. Not that I think we should normalise adult tantrums, that would be quite something(!) but just that little kids can and should have freedom to release their big feelings. And parents should get a proverbial hand on the shoulder and a ‘you got this’, not criticism.

Here’s hoping your tomorrow is a good day OP, and by the way, you got this 🤛 ✨ 💛 x

@Notfeelinit I cannot thank you enough for such a lovely response 🩷 thank you for being so kind, thoughtful and understanding 🙏🏼you sound so lovely... can you be my friend? 😭😂
I would have LOVED a coffee and a cake with a fellow toddler mum! I definitely needed it, haha. Oh and the hug!!
I'm sorry to hear you had such a stressful time with it yesterday... It's all a phase, we just have to ride the wave 💪🏼 one day we'll be able to laugh with our children and tell them the things they used to do 🥰
But thank you again for such a kind response, I really appreciate it xx

You’re taking the comment too much to heart. It’s a common thing for other mums to say, as a joke and to empathise. It’s a shorthand way of expressing solidarity and understanding. It is not a serious comment about what parenting teens is like nor is it a comment on what your child will be like as a teen 🙄

Once my 5yr old was playing up in a supermarket queue and I was getting stressed trying to hold her arm and hold my basket of shopping. DD’s behaviour was ridiculously bad as she was overtired and hyped up. The older woman behind me said, “Ooh, just wait until she’s a teenager!”

Did I burst into tears, accuse her of trying to make me depressed about the future, accuse her of making a personal comment about my parenting, agonise about it for hours after? No, I realised it was a joke. The woman then chatted to me a bit and helped me distract DD. Another time a man made pretty much the same comment about DC2 and, because he was a man and because I wasn’t in the mood, I smiled politely and looked away. Another time it was me who made the comment to a mum wrestling with a young boy who on the floor of Poundland. She was almost in tears but she saw my empathy and we ended up exchanging stories about things our DCs had done to try our patience.

Perhaps you’re not that kind of person? Perhaps you never want interaction with people you don’t know? Perhaps you can’t deal with people talking to you when you’re trying to negotiate a toddler meltdown? That’s fine ,but there’s no way this woman knew that and there was no malice in her comment - a comment made numerous times each week to parents.

It is a ‘you’ problem because you’re taking a common comment as a personal attack. Whatever the woman said would have been wrong to you: an offer of help? She thinks I’m a hopeless mum!; an expression of encouragement? She thinks I’m crap and need to try harder, etc. Work on your self-esteem, understand that everyone finds parenting hard at times, realise that people aren’t judging you.

She was probably just trying to be friendly in her own way. The toddler years are SO hard but I definitely found it worse first time round. It’s a lie that it doesn’t get easier. It absolutely does. There are other challenges but the toddler years are the most physically demanding and exhausting!

I have always thought comments like that were a bit gaslighting.

The appropriate comment to say to a fellow parent in a difficult situation is ‘ ah love our little Jimmy once had a tantrum so big he shat himself and had to go home wrapped a bin bag’. Then you have a smile & a giggle and walk off.

not ‘ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN’ im off back to my quiet life.

made my blood boil too.
or maybe that’s just me.

I think you need to learn what gaslighting means.

No era has ever been worse than the toddler years for me!