Unsettled 32 month old granddaughter

[MammarOfOne]

My 32 month old GD lives with me (48yo & my youngest son 22yo) Thursday to Sunday and her dad (24yo son) the rest of the week. She hates going home to Daddy and it’s starting to upset him (and she’s distraught).

back story

I’ve had GD every weekend since she was 2 weeks old (except for a few months from 15 months to 19 months due to her mother) and she lived with her parents the rest of the time. The relationship was toxic and the mother was abusive towards my son and threw him out every couple of weeks as a form of control.
When she stopped my contact with GD I took it to court and now have a court order.

Mother asked if I could have GD for 2 weeks over Christmas and new year 2024 while she worked. Obviously I said yes. (She’d kicked my son out and this time he didn’t go back. 🥳 He was living in a flat that was unsuitable for children. He now has a place for them both). 02/01/25 I asked what time she wanted GD back and she said that she didn’t want her and hasn’t seen her since.

I’ve really been her only constant and ‘safe space’ (the main reason I was given a court order). She has her own room here and she is an absolute joy. I adore her and she adores me.
My husband (we’re separated) comes and stays every weekend and helps me out with her so she had both of us here and most weekends we go out and do something with my dad like a national trust house or the zoo (my husband is amazing with her and she loves him very much).

My son is brilliant with her, I’ve seen them together and it’s lovely. He’s a good dad. We have very similar ideas about ‘parenting’ so we work together very well to bring her up. We agree on bedtimes and routine and punishment so it’s quite consistent to a certain degree.

Now my problem is when we take her home to daddy’s on Sunday. As soon as she sees where we are going she screams and shouts “NOT GOING TO DADDYS. STAY AT MAMMAS”. It lasts until we leave. She’s distraught. It breaks my heart and I can only imagine how my son feels. She’s ok around 5 minutes after we leave.

On Thursdays he can’t mention that she needs to get ready to go to mine as she will then just stand at the door screaming my name until I turn up. “WHERE IS MY MAMMA? COME HERE MAMMA”

She needed to see the GP yesterday so we picked her and her dad up and the entire time she just kept repeating in a sing song voice “Not going back to Daddy’s, only going to Mammas” When we tell her that it’s not Mammas day, that I’m just taking her to the drs she just shouted “NO NO NOT!”. This went on for 2+ hours.

I can’t go to their flat in the week because she then kicks off because I’m not taking her with me, she will literally go into her room and put her shoes and coat on and say “Come on mamma, we going?”

Her mother has no interest in seeing her (she’s already had another baby with someone else) and GD wouldn’t know what she looked like if she passed her on the street. She never asks about mum and never even said the word as a baby. I don’t believe mum abused her but she definitely emotionally neglected her and was not interested in her at all. She was there while my son was being abused (both physically and mentally) but was obviously a very little baby. (Social care were/are not involved but caffcas were very concerned when I took it to court)

How can I make this better for her?

We big up Daddy all the time and talk about the fun things she will be doing etc.
We tell her Saturday night that she’s going to see Daddy tomorrow and we pick out her clothes before bed and choose toys to take to Daddy’s etc. On Sunday mornings we remind her that she’s going to see daddy and talk about what she might have for tea. She’s fine until we turn onto his estate.

I even considered having her less (he works Fri/sat/sun and starts at 5am so he would have to give up work) but then that doesn’t seem fair to her, she really does love me very much, I’m the only woman in her life, she’s had enough people abandon her and I’ll be honest I don’t want to. (But I would if it was in her best interest).

sorry it’s so long, I think the back story is important

What is 32 months in years please?

I have no idea, but I wanted to say that it sounds like you’re doing a lovely thing giving this little girl some stability.

My gut says to keep things as they are. It must be so so hard for little ones to get used to two homes, but the alternatives are worse (assuming your DS can’t move in with you!).

I’m sure you can use your brain and work it out 🙄

I just wanted to say you sound like the most amazing woman and it breaks my heart that your granddaughter has been abandoned by her mother but how wonderful she has you and her grandad/ dad etc

i have a very conventional family set up and my 3 year old definitely went through a mummy preference phase and would kick off for dad so I think a version of this is not uncommon however I would really consider looking into some sort of play therapy or similar (I’m not expert but whatever is appropriate for this age) as your granddaughter has been through a lot and she may not remember her mum but attachment starts from birth and it will have affected her.

all the very best of luck to you all

Oh that sounds so tough and it sounds like you are doing a great job navigating it all. She has experienced a bit of a traumatic start and while she perhaps doesn’t remember her mum, the experiences of seeing conflict and the separation and loss are likely to have affected her view of relationships and sense of security on a deeper level.

It could be a good idea to do a bit of life story work with her, to help her make sense of it all. You can read about life story work, but basically you would make a little book saying ‘this is joyful GD’, post a photo and talk about some of her attributes and things she likes. Then pages ‘this is mamma. She loves GD very much and looks after GD on xyz days’. Another page ‘this is daddy, he loves GD very much and looks after her on xyz days’. Repeat with all her important people.

If you feel appropriate you can do a mum page and say something like ‘this is __, who is GD’s mum. She doesn’t see GD any more because of her grown up problems’. You may not want to go there now but I think you will need to as she grows so in some ways it’s helpful to just have it in there and be factual. You can later say more about mums problems, and that someone called a judge decided GD would live with mamma, etc. Again up to you.

In the book you can celebrate GD and also include text that you and daddy will be the ones looking after her until she is a grown up.

In my experience kids love reading these books but may skip pages with bits they don’t like and want to reread certain ones etc, it can help you understand where she is with it all.

Sorry that’s a long post but you could also try using books like this one https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0744589258 to help her accept the reality of her two homes.

Also this one is so lovely and you could use it to help her understand that you are always connected to her when you are apart. Maybe a bit old for her but see what you think. My kids love this and we still speak about the invisible string if they are nervous about something. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/031648623X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=3EEGL45VGU9BF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.MAauAQxuCsnZqeFYZpAAIN5HIIl1457FOUsKT7kI26-IOX4_eOVK0f70BaxWilwQBNiIHfkwrOOVvjg1Qtezj3H4ZPmEfwAPwhvcD9db3Dl5xhxRIDhrxUx-kS3ui4etbTOyb50dG5HKNbtfTY9OTOViDDmdELNcwSO1cX8CmwtZ7PgoSCjWPGhCgVLHqq61PPoljdzScKSap5bGqhGt1Q.ju64DsZc3TKEWpDz1svRJE4D1ic3gEy4TJqJMjdWQSk&dib_tag=se&keywords=invisible+string&qid=1770239938&s=books&sprefix=invisible+string%2Cbooks%2C125&sr=1-1
You could maybe send a ‘transition object’ between your house and her dads, like a special teddy and ask her to bring teddy back when she comes back from dad’s just to reinforce and increase her confidence that when she goes she always comes back soon.

I think I big change like seeing you less would do more harm than good. Poor wee mites had a lot of change in her short life and stability’s the thing now.

Is it just the transition that upset her? Does she settle once she’s at her dad’s?
Have you tried handing her over somewhere neutral or having her dad pick her up from yours rather than you going to his house

Can her dad come stay at yours after work on the days she with you? or even come for an hour?

Having a calendar or chart at each house so she can see where she’s going to be and for how long might help and explaining it as she’s going be daddy’s for four sleeps and then she’ll come back to yours may help

Given the chaos and disrupted attachments she has had since just a couple of weeks old I’m not really suprised that she is struggling. You sound like a lovely supportive grandparent but I would look into getting some professional support. This is more than just being a bit unsettled. Maybe some family therapy to help her bond and feel secure with dad.

Just to reiterate posters above....well done for being such a lovely nan.

Although upsetting in the interim, could you do lots of pop ins and vuce versa. So you pop to his and he pop to yours and spend as much time together as possible so she sees you as a family unit and gets used to transitions.

Remind you son that it isn't personal and she is likely to have a trauma bond you from when his household was abusive and that although she can't remember, her brain is going to take some time to catch up that his days won't be stressful for her and that it will probably impact on transitions eg at school for her in the future.

Surely you can manage basic maths? If not, Google and calculators exist. HTH.

It sounds like the poor thing has had an incredibly unsettled time and could do with some professional support.

I think you and her father needs to work towards her having a stable permanent house especially as she approaches school age. It sounds like she's finding all the swapping and changing on top of everything she's already been through very unsettling.

I agree.

Could her dad move back in with you?

Dad should be having her really, going to and throw to 3 different houses is very unsettling. Know you love her and sound like a good nan but its time to give those reins back to her dad now.

She goes between two houses, like thousands of other children up and down the country do.

She doesn’t need to have another adult taken away from her.

What a stupid comment. She lives between 2 homes which is pretty normal these days. Her dad can't quit his job just because a toddler has tantrums.

OP just keep on doing what you're doing. Stability and consistency is key.

I agree. Dad should’ve moved back in with OP so he could do the bulk of the parenting. It isn’t common to have three people who are in a major parenting role. 2 houses is normal but 3 isn’t.

I have no advice but just wanted to say what a wonderful grandmother you are ❤️

You’re doing an amazing job. Unfortunately the poor little girl has been put through a lot at such a young age. Are social services involved as it sounds like she would benefit from sort of play therapy.

I think stickydough’s advice is very sound. Life story books often really help children to deal with complex issues and emotions. Your GD is very lucky to have such caring people in her life. Hope you manage to navigate this without having to compromise on where she or her Daddy live. I see plenty of children who split times between parents. Fortunately for your GD she is able to see that your relationship with her Daddy is good. Best of luck.

What are you talking about? Where is the third house? She only lives with her dad and grandmother.

I 100% would not have her less.
She clearly has primary attachment to you. Unsurprising given her chaotic life to date.

Spunds extreme but I think you should consider how your son could move in with you...
Even if that means a bigger house via extension / attic conversion / garage conversion / moving to a bigger house.

You sound like an amazing granny and this little girl will really need tou as her mother sounds like a train wreck.
My cousins husband was in the same situation. Then met my cousin who is amazing and also a social worker. Even though his daughter now has a new mum and siblings she loves... it's been challenging.

I like the book suggestion too

Is your maths so poor that you can’t work it out?? 😖

Now when I had been up since 2.15 that morning with my child.

But what if my maths was that ‘poor’. There are lots of people who have conditions which means that would have been very difficult or impossible.

Lots of advice here relating to the emotional journey the DGD has been on and how to support with that. I’m sure some of that advice is good.

More narrowly though, on the specific question of transition, it might just be fairly normal and resolve with time. A preference for one parent/carer is pretty normal at this age (and v upsetting, I remember it well when I was the unwanted one!). And it’s also normal to find some transitions hard - often exactly as you describe, kids are fine til you’re in view of the house/nursery/whatever, then fine again five minutes after. Again, really upsetting, but not in itself an indicator of needing professional help.

I’m not saying help wouldn’t be good for other reasons. Just that hard transitions that are fine once they’re there, and a paren/carer preference, are very typical at this age.

It will resolve with time. You will need to make sure primary school is close to you and your son. Give it a couple of years and everything will settle down.
I had a friend with a similar situation. Everything settled down and his mother became the major care giver in his two daughter’s lives. The problem came when he met someone and moved in with them and he obviously wanted his daughters full time. Their step mother had her own children and she was full of enthusiasm for a blended family and his children for a few months. She then resented both her step daughters and their grandmother. Their grandmother was their refuge throughout a miserable childhood.
For now, let things settle. Put your granddaughter first. Get her settled at school. Work closely with your son to give your granddaughter stability. You are doing the right thing. As she grows, do make sure she has plenty of time alone with your son.
It is a relatively common situation. So many mothers on MN seem to live with or close by to their mums and depend on them for childcare. You are providing stability to your son and granddaughter.

Could her dad move back in to yours temporarily whilst she establishes a better relationship with him?