Ex cannot stop with Dummy/Safety concerns

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Back story: Ex moved away up north from London due to DV from the father of her older kids(3 - oldest is 16) I "took the blow" and accepted this because three children with him versus our one DD(2) was no brainer. DV is before and after our own relationship fyi.

I see our DD monthly by driving there, and my long-term plan is to relocate once my flat sells. However, we have very different parenting styles and have argued frequently over several concerns since she was born. I don’t wish to involve social services, but I’m lost on what to do so many you can suggest,

Specifically:

1. The Dummy: I have been very anti pacifier usage since she was a baby due to what I have seen in some cases, but she uses it 24/7 even when DD is not crying or being fussy. Our DD now has a very visible open bite (an adult finger can fit through when her teeth are fully closed). It feels like mind games are being played, as she specifically sends me photos of our daughter with the dummy in - I have resorted to just asking her to not send me pictures anymore.
2. Choking Hazards: She video-called me when our daughter was only one, and she was being given a bowl of popcorn which I could see in the background. She thought this was cute for their movie night.
3. Around Christmas, she sent a video of our daughter playing with an open beer bottle, pretending to drink from it. Again, "haha she is cute "
4. Inappropriate Sleeping Arrangements: her 15-year-old daughter sleeps with her boyfriend(same age) in her house almost all the time(not my business), and sometimes our two-year-old sleeps in the same bed as them throughout the night. She has sent photos suggesting this is "cute." and finds it special how our daughter is obsessed with this boy

Now, ex has a child who has extra needs and I always walk on egg shells as I know she has that stress to deal with and I always avoid the idea of taking this legally(social services etc) but I have had it now the more I see out daughter and how this will just carry on to a point of life long issues.

What would you suggest I do? I have exhausted talking to her to a point that I do not accept pictures or video calls anymore.

She got back together with him after you?

If you have genuine safeguarding concerns then it is in your daughter's best interests for SS to become involved. Sleeping with a 15yr old boy would be enough for me to drive up there and take full custody with immediate effect. Sorry but I dont understand from your post why she cannot reside with you assuming you have equal PR?

The final one is very disturbing

the dummy and popcorn…. Not

You need to step up and get custody.

This.

How do you know your dd spends the night with them? Frankly I can’t see any teen couple being happy with that! Maybe she wanders into them in the morning to cuddle her big sister?

Is the dummy really your primary concern here? That’s surprising to me, honestly. Like of course it’s not good but there’s bigger issues, I feel. She isn’t going to change, obviously, so I’m also surprised you’re happy to cut your nose off to spite your face regarding photos and video calls as it means you see even less of your daughter than you do already. If your ex is that poor a mother, you must go back to court and push for custody.

Giving a dummy to the point it is causing permanent damage is disturbing.

The guidance is popcorn only given after age 5. Many will not follow this advice but doesn't mean the dad cannot be concerned, although you are probably right in that social services won't do anything. However, it all paints a bigger picture of neglect on the mother's part (alongside the very concerning boy sleeping arrangements, not on their own).

OP - what is the custody arrangement? Take the mum to court for the child to live with you? No baby should be sleeping all night with a 15 year old, never mind someone they aren't even related to!

How long ago did they move?

The dummy is concerning- it’s shaping the child’s mouth, which can affect their speech. Early speech difficulties can affect literacy development. Also having it in restricts talking.

Agreed.

The first 2 I’d be concerned about, but SS etc would not do anything. The max you can do is send her information on the safety/health issues around it.

The last one I absolutely would be going to court to try to push for custody change. I wouldn’t trust someone who thinks that’s appropriate to parent my kid.

I don’t think not having calls/pictures etc is beneficial to the situation. Whatever’s happening is still happening, but you are just less aware of the situation. You can also potentially use the messages/pictures as evidence.

You should still be having calls and pictures so you can see what is going and be aware of any changes in DD.

I think the best thing is you getting up there and having more physical input and greater time of custody.

I absolutely think the dummy is concerning, it’s not needed, can cause delay if used constantly and is already causing damage with teeth and speech. I assume it’s to keep her docile as she has to manage the others.

but it’s not a useful long term plan or tool for DD. Get up there, can your rent your flat for the time being to facilitate your move?

sleeping in the bed with her DS and Bf is not on. And you need to keep on about that one and make a report if it doesn’t stop. The more pictures the better as they’re evidence.

You sound like a caring father who wants to keep the co-parenting relationship civil in difficult circumstances.

Although I would be very unhappy about the excess dummy use and the popcorn social services won't care. Popcorn is a choking hazard but not many people know that and loads of under 5s have it regularly and almost all of them are fine. The dummy use is bad for her teeth and speach but should sort itself out as she gets older (possibly with the help of orthodontics and speech therapy).

The third one is very concerning for both your daughter and the 15 year olds. I think SS should be involved in that and you need to act to protect your daughter. They would also want to know if your ex is in an abusive relationship again.

I fear you've left it too late. At the point she was talking about moving you should have pushed for full residency of the two year old, and you would have had a good chance of getting it at that point as family courts do not look favourably on a child being moved away from their other parent. There is no way that they will now move the child from their Mum to you, especially as you plan to move.

"Popcorn is a choking hazard" - She has a background in Nursing and someone we both know actually died from choking(not on popcorn) and this concerns me how she does not acknowledge the hazard.

Dummy: "possibly with the help of orthodontics and speech therapy" of course that is more effort and not guaranteed, my pain is that this could have been easily avoided .

15 Year old: I obviously made the wrong choice to have a child but then again, I did not get exposed to this side of her parenting. Love makes you blind. Her own sister has stopped talking to her for months because I revealed it to her by accident during a social gathering last year

What steps have you taken to get primary residence of your child?

"You should still be having calls and pictures so you can see what is going and be aware of any changes in DD." As much as I would love to, creating memories of seeing her misaligned teeth/gum is paining me, knowing someone else caused it when it could have been avoided is even worse(i wish i could upload the pictures but I fear she maybe on this site). Her mouth looks absolutely appalling and I am scared she will do all possible to disappear if i involved SS(I am English and she is from Poland and she has resources to just move and never return; I would not even be able to find her)

But don’t you see her misaligned teeth and gums when you go to physically see her? Don’t you create memories then?

No she did not go back with him (sadly she has some sort of Stockholm syndrome with this guy; she cannot shake him off out of choice). She moved all the way there to run away form him and now he goes there to see his children so there was no point to move in the first place.

I wasn’t seeing any issue until I read the last one. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that at all. Funny how it was at the end of your list and you’re more worried about a dummy!!

you don’t get to decided if your Dd has a dummy or not when she’s not in your care

yes but I have no choice when I see him but to just suck it up. I just can't stand to see picture and videos daily from her when I know she is doing it to just anger me(it is intentional on her part ) So i j just ignore and delete(it's hard)

I did not arrange the list in order and this sleeping with boyfriend and older sister is not something I can prove unfortunately as I do not have it on video or anything.

"can your rent your flat for the time being to facilitate your move?"

Sadly I am sacrificing swapping my regular care with my oldest but she is doing her GCSE this year so I am just waiting for that and then move.

I have called twice and she would tell me she is asleep and goes to the room to show me DD in their bed( i raised this issue but I am not there and she just shouts at me that I am not around to stop DD when she is crying etc so I just do not understand ).