Ex cannot stop with Dummy/Safety concerns

[leeds5]

Back story: Ex moved away up north from London due to DV from the father of her older kids(3 - oldest is 16) I "took the blow" and accepted this because three children with him versus our one DD(2) was no brainer. DV is before and after our own relationship fyi.

I see our DD monthly by driving there, and my long-term plan is to relocate once my flat sells. However, we have very different parenting styles and have argued frequently over several concerns since she was born. I don’t wish to involve social services, but I’m lost on what to do so many you can suggest,

Specifically:

1. The Dummy: I have been very anti pacifier usage since she was a baby due to what I have seen in some cases, but she uses it 24/7 even when DD is not crying or being fussy. Our DD now has a very visible open bite (an adult finger can fit through when her teeth are fully closed). It feels like mind games are being played, as she specifically sends me photos of our daughter with the dummy in - I have resorted to just asking her to not send me pictures anymore.
2. Choking Hazards: She video-called me when our daughter was only one, and she was being given a bowl of popcorn which I could see in the background. She thought this was cute for their movie night.
3. Around Christmas, she sent a video of our daughter playing with an open beer bottle, pretending to drink from it. Again, "haha she is cute "
4. Inappropriate Sleeping Arrangements: her 15-year-old daughter sleeps with her boyfriend(same age) in her house almost all the time(not my business), and sometimes our two-year-old sleeps in the same bed as them throughout the night. She has sent photos suggesting this is "cute." and finds it special how our daughter is obsessed with this boy

Now, ex has a child who has extra needs and I always walk on egg shells as I know she has that stress to deal with and I always avoid the idea of taking this legally(social services etc) but I have had it now the more I see out daughter and how this will just carry on to a point of life long issues.

What would you suggest I do? I have exhausted talking to her to a point that I do not accept pictures or video calls anymore.

I would take this back to court OP and seek custody, although she will no doubt challenge that.

I dont know why, on these threads there are always questions about the father of 'why arent you parenting her full time'

Its obvious why isnt it? That isnt the mothers choice. Do mothers get asked why they are parenting the child more than 50/50? If anything they are advised how to obfuscate the court process to ensure the father doesnt get even as much as 50/50

I don't like dummies but it's not a safety concern and I don't think the popcorn is serious either. Bur her sleeping in the bed with the boy is. Make your views clear and if nothing changes you could see if you can contact her health visitor or social services

I see from OPs updates that mum is a flight risk, thats very hard to deal with.

Gently. It is not about you it’s about Dd, even if it hurts. So get the pictures and the video and the evidence. What’s best for her is you having as much knowledge and evidence about her home life with her mother as possible. If you can record your video calls where possible.

I can understand being worried about rocking the boat especially when she could abscond with Dd. And having to give time with your other DD. It’s really hard being stuck with two shit choices.

seek some legal advice about how best to approach this and keep pushing for what’s best for your DDs wellbeing.

Would her mother voluntarily let you have primary care? As it seems she has a lot on her plate dealing with the others.

@mamaison The dummy is concerning- it’s shaping the child’s mouth, which can affect their speech. Early speech difficulties can affect literacy development. Also having it in restricts talking

Really not a SS issue. I used dummies and had some who I seriously thought would get married with dummies in their mouths 🤣, but I did get them to give it up during the preschool years around 4yo. They were no different from their siblings who gave the dummy up early, no literacy problems, all went through uni. Honestly couldn’t tell my ‘late dummy’ kids from those that gave it up earlier. The only kid I had with severe orthodontic issues was the one who had rejected the dummy around 3 months, because they found they had a thumb they could use instead, and much preferred that! The thumb sucking persisted right through childhood, not sure whether the teeth issues were coincidental or not for that one.

As I said further up, you've already left it a bit too late but if you want to resolve this situation you need to take actual action and stop being such a wet lettuce.

First, you need to move. Oldest will cope with their GCSEs, this situation is more urgent.

Then, you need to get a C/O for at least 50/50 custody which specifically states she needs written permission to leave the country. I suggest that you obtain and store your daughter's passport.

You absolutely need to stop avoiding photos, whether it causes you pain is irrelevant and it's your daughter you should be prioritising. Start keeping records and dates. If she's sleeping in a bed with an unrelated teenager that needs reporting to SS immediately.

I don’t know why I seem to be the only one on here who thinks you sound pretty insane.

To say stop sending me pictures because your partner sends one with a dummy is insane!

Your kid probably just has a natural overbite. I have had two kids 24/7 with dummies (one nearing 4 now) and no overbites!

And popcorn is a risk. But as a supervised one off I would prefer that in my own home on sofa concentrating to learn rather than first time they have it running round a party. She’s a nurse I am sure she knows how to deal with choking if it happens. Popcorn isn’t round like a grape. So whilst worst comes to worst it could get stuck and cause a medical incident. The chances of dying from it are pretty slim.

As for the sleeping in beds with older sibling and boyfriend. Well it could be concerning. It could also just be she sent you a pic of them all in bed and you have gone mental. It’s hard to tell and I couldn’t say without asking the mum tbh.

You’re saying it’s now gone beyond communicating with her. So what are you asking? Will social services be interested. No.

Sorry, I’m going to sound blunt, but you cannot complain about these things and then say ‘I can’t talk or look at photos of her’ …
That in itself is neglectful also, you don’t want to see or hear the problem, that’s not solving anything.
contact social services if you wish, explain your concerns, see if they can put forward some advice to Mum. Apply for weekly custody, monthly visits for a 2yo isn’t enough. I hear you about other child, GCSEs, but you need to start finding a property now so that once the end of June hits (end of GCSEs) then you can move immediately.
you need something in writing to firm up custody arrangements so that ex cannot just up and leave.
Sorry but you deleting messages etc isn’t good parenting - keeping a log of them and recording concerns but being there consistently for your child would be a much better strategy.

You need to keep the messages. Why do you delete them?

To be fair, my youngest used to go in and bounce on her brother and his mates when he was having mates for a sleepover and they needed to get up and that would usually end up with them all messing around. So I don’t necessarily think that’s report worthy. That could be construed very negatively if someone wanted to but it was completely innocent.

Bloody hell, she needs to come to either you or a decent grandparent … your ex is clearly unfit to parent anyone let alone a small child!

So your ex has shown you your dd in her older sisters bed during the day. Not at night with the boyfriend there?

Plenty of parents give their toddlers popcorn and a dummy. Maybe not what I would choose - but plenty do and it’s ridiculous to think it’s an issue anyone will be remotely concerned about.

I saw a 2 year old aspirate on popcorn, it was quite scary and ended up with them going to the hospital (I don't know what the end result was after that as I didn't see them again). It's not enough to take away a kid from someone but no real benefit to giving to them before they are ready. This should be an easy no. The fact you need to fight on this is troubling but again not enough to really action anything.

Dummy is a bit different I think, Ideally you wouldn't use one beyond a bit of use first year if needed but you need to balance things out and if it is the thing that tips the balance from overwhelmed to the point of breaking to being able to manage multiple kids in a challenging situation than I get it. It was a hard 2 months coming off of it for us and we went a bit later than we should have (22 months I think). We were using it for sleep mostly at that point and got very little sleep those couple months.

Non related boy in the bed sleeping with 2 year old is a no go. Massive issue. Why not talk to the bf directly?

I would probably be putting everything in place and working towards getting custody, your ex seems overwhelmed she might even welcome it if you go about it the right way.

What a mess how do people get themselves into these situations?

at 1? it is okay for a child to eat hard microwave popcorn? alone?

That is no issue?

I think after reading this, I have taken on board this sleeping with her sister in the bed should also be a priority issue of mine and I agree.

day/night doesn't matter, the point is that they were all asleep in her room(not just lounging)

For context - this was at night

Why haven’t you taken “custody” of your own child given you’re so concerned?

not trying to be a wanker but I genuinely don’t understand how you can sit back and let parenting that gives you such concern co time without intervening.

if I was that worried, I’d have gone and got my child and she could take me to court.

You are absolutely right - she is overwhelmed and always say this when I bring up these issues but when I suggest other parenting methods or suggest that I take her during my annual leave, she will not hear any of it and is very very defensive.

I am just lost but I guess most just suggest I go through with legal route.

Yeah I can imagine the responses to that thread if the child's mother posted 'my child has been taken by her father and not returned'

1. Inappropriate Sleeping Arrangements: her 15-year-old daughter sleeps with her boyfriend(same age) in her house almost all the time(not my business), and sometimes our two-year-old sleeps in the same bed as them throughout the night. She has sent photos suggesting this is "cute." and finds it special how our daughter is obsessed with this boy*

^This alone would have me contacting social services.

Btw I agree with you about the popcorn- I would never give popcorn to a baby due to choking risk. The dummy thing is preference.

Sorry if she's such a bad parent and so neglectful, go get your child and let her take you to court for access. You have valid concerns plus evidence (photos, texts etc). Stop just allowing her to neglect your daughter and do something about it. Im so sick of men and women allowing their children to stay in risky situations just because it's the easier option . It's neglectful on both your ends to NOT do anything about this situation . Once a month is rather pathetic too. You both sound like you need to do better for your child.

Sleeping in the same bed as her sister - no problem at all. Sleeping in the same bed as a random 15 year old boy who happens to be temporarily dating her sister - much more concerning.

And yes - if you really have substantial concerns about your child then surely you seek to improve your custody. I assume you are on the birth certificate? Have you ever had meaningful custody of either child? If you're not willing to be "uncomfortable" by receiving photos that might allow you to better monitor and protect your child I am guessing you aren't willing to even more inconvenienced by trying to create a genuinely safe home for them.