Can’t stop crying over my children growing up! Is there something wrong with me!

[Dawn1991]

Morning everyone for the past few week I literally can’t stop crying my eldest is turning 10 this year and my other baby is going to be 5 and it’s absolutely breaking my heart I go to bed crying I wake up crying I’m even crying at work! I love them so much and I feel like there’s still so much I want to do and not all the time in the world before they get to the age where they don’t want to do things anymore and then my eldest is going to be a teenager! I honestly don’t know if it’s normal to feel this way any mums feel like this or is it just me I feel stupid.

Agreed. Years of volunteering disavowed me of any notion that it's there to give people the "warm 'n' fuzzies". You volunteer because there's an important job that urgently needs to be done, statutory services won't cover it, and you have the skillset and resources to do it.

I dont think it's a normal reaction to cry about it all the time... I mean, yeah it's ok to stop every now and again too feel a bit sad that they're growing up so fast but remember, these children are not your own property, you were chosen to be their parent and to love, nurture and guide them to become tomorrow's adults. Be happy for them and their growth, continue to be their parent, friend, mentor, etc so they will always know you're their safe place and the person who will always love them but also the person who contributed towards the adults they will be becoming one day. Be happy for them, stop crying for what you lost and enjoy what you're gaining instead.

Thankfully as you’ll see from this thread in thinking the idea of someone such as you describe yourself as being allowed on to hospital wards to cuddle babies is terrifying - I am certainly not alone @Mayflower282

We needn’t worry as there is no chance of this happening

Can you show any evidence, just one, of a hospital advertising for volunteers to cuddle babies @Mayflower282

Perhaps the doctor isn’t a bad idea. I’d also recommend therapy - for the record I don’t think you’re being ‘unhealthy’ or ‘abnormal’. My mum died when I was 18 and then I basically parented my dad until he died when my eldest was 18m. I desperately wanted a big family to bring the noise back into my life, my eldest is 9 and my youngest is 2 and I just have the two….that wasn’t easy. In my minds eye, maternal parenting falls off a cliff at 18. I know that’s not the case necessarily but that’s how it feels. I have weekly therapy and it’s helped hugely (I have psychodynamic psychotherapy - not cheap I admit but I studied it and particularly wanted it) but I still feel that sorrow. Every Christmas is ‘one more done’ - I want my sons to grow up - of course. But being a mum of two young kids has been the best time of my life and I have constant sense that good times generally can be snatched away. I’m not depressed. I have a good life outside of work and outside of my children and good friends but I have some issues. No matter what anyone else says, EVERYONE has some issues and we can all fuck up our children without meaning too. My brother has spent his life determined to find what he’s ‘special’ at all because my mum used to call him special - who’d have thought that could cause a child later anguish?! One more idea, I write letters to my children in a little book, just a few throughout the year. I use it to explain my thoughts and feelings in case I don’t at the time and in case anything should happen to me before I can. Perhaps it would be useful to you if you worry about the effect of your feelings on them.

If it is any comfort to you, just because your children are getting older doesnt mean that you won't be doing things with them anymore. I have 2 teenagers and we do lots together - only now they are CHOOSING to spend time with me - which makes it all the more special. I love being mum of teens 💕

I’m very close to my own mother, we talk everyday & she lives up the road. Most of my school friends are also very close to their parents. So I wouldn’t assume they are going anywhere.
A girl I knew had 4 kids but it really struck me that she was quite unfulfilled before she had them, having 4 for her was sort of fulfilling something.
(I’m not saying that everyone who has a big family is the same!).
Lige can be fulfilling & interesting in lots of ways. I liked my life before children & im sure I’ll like it after them! Even small stuff like being able to lie in bed & read a book. Yes, I have no doubt there will be times I will miss them, but they won’t have died.

There is no benefit to calling the OP abnormal or anything of the kind.

However what is abudantly clear @Dawn1991 is that crying for hours on end, breaking down at work etc
does indicate that something deeper is going on, and it’s not healthy for you or your children, and worth seeking some professional help.

I don’t think I’m abnormal nor do I think I’m a bad mum for crying when they can’t see me they don’t know I’m upset I’m good at keeping my emotions locked away. In my years of being a mum I’ve not had time to cry. I also lost my 3rd child 2 years ago at 36 weeks pregnant which I have been thinking about a lot lately and watching my girls get bigger has made me sad I am allowed to cry!
I had blood tests done on Friday which have come back today I have Hyperthyroidism so my levels are 74 which are high which would explain the severe anxiety and crying outbursts(again out of my children’s sight). After reading some of these comments it’s a good job that it’s not my mental health as some of these comments are just cruel and absolutely uncalled for as women I feel a few of you maybe shouldn’t comment if you have nothing uplifting to say just don’t leave a comment.
I hope anyone reading these comments that maybe going through something similar don’t take these responses as you are not normal and certainly not a bad mum being a mum is amazing and challenging and we all deal with things in many different ways and if it’s not affecting your children then that’s fine but if you feel like it’s something more instead of writing to other mums ring a GP ❤️

I have just read this whole thread and have been quite shocked at some
of the meanness. So sad. @Dawn1991 I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of your baby. hopefully you will get your thyroid sorted and feel more positive going into spring. For what it is worth at this stage of the discussion I have felt sentimental (tearful) many times over the years with my dds and I think it has made me cherish their childhoods due to the realisation it is fleeting. You can still wholeheartedly encourage their independence as young adults (and secretly hope they have loads of grandchildren in the same county!)

They’re still little really though- especially your youngest. In my experience, it’s Y7 onwards when they really start to change and slowly break away from you.

Is that 12?

extremely difficult to admit that there is potentially something not right with my mental health I have booked to see a counsellor so hopefully I can work on the way I am.

Are you still planning to see a counsellor? @Dawn1991

That is absolutely horrendous @Dawn1991 it absolutely makes sense you are still grieving a really sad loss and that is obviously the much deeper issue you are dealing with that makes your children growing up impact you in the way that it is.

Obviously grief at that level you are experiencing is going to make you very vulnerable emotionally.

Take care of yourself.

You are grieving a terrible loss, be kind to yourself. It will take time. You had imagined life with another baby in it. I’m so sorry for your loss.

In time you will understand that watching your children grow up into independent teens and adults is part of the joy of parenting. I love the laughs and conversations I have with my older teens (and step children who are in their 30s).

My youngest turned 18 last month and she'll probably be going to university in September. My eldest is 35 this year so I've had dc at home for a very long time (4dc) and I can't really imagine it! I do have dgc and dd1 and dd2 often ask me to look after them and dm and df aren't getting any younger and want my help with cleaning. I do remember being a little sad when dc4 left baby hood and I knew she was my last. It sounds like you are depressed and perhaps need councilling after the loss of your your 3rd baby which is understandable.

Hey, do you mean you have hypothyroidism not hyper? Hyper is over active, hypo is under.

With hyper you have very LOW levels, and with hypo you have very high levels.

My mam is hyper and I am hypo.

It was one of the indicators that something was wrong for me too - I was so so down, crying all the time, absolutely exhausted (which also contributes to feeling down!).

Have they started you on levothyroxine?

Once your levels are a bit more normal I'm sure you will start to feel better.

Also very sorry to hear of the loss of your child.

I've lost 3 children since July 2024. It's an awful, soul destroying thing to experience.

You are clearly a good mam and care about your children a lot.

Op, I am so sorry to hear about the loss. I am also genuinely sorry if my earlier post caused you hurt.

This thread has come a long way. You initially posted about crying about your two children growing up, but it's clear now that there is much more going on for you. It's an important reminder of the limitations of mumsnet. We are responding to a snapshot, a quick comment but there can be so much more going on in a person's life.

You are right, a GP is in a much better position to support you. Equally, I hope that you are able to find support in coping with the loss of your third child too. As well as counselling you will also find many on here who have been where you are and who genuinely understand what you are going through if you reach out to them.

Sending very best wishes and apologies again for my insensitivity.

My kids are similar age (with another in the middle) I can't say I am crying over this, I had pangs of sadness at christmas that it's probably the last time my eldest believes, but watching your kids grow up is a privilege. I'm not looking forward to navigating the teen years granted, but it's all part of life. Your reaction is vv ott and I imagine there's probably something else going on here.

Well it was slow dripped and you posted after the drip so theres that. Thats why all the information should be in the OP.

My kids are 20 and 22. We are very close and are going on holiday together at Easter. They are also very independent- my son has lived on his own since he was 18. My DD is away at uni cooking for herself etc. So don’t think you are ‘losing’ them as they grow. Sure it won’t be the same - they seem to go from worshipping you to telling you you’re not stirring your coffee right in a blink of an eye (yes my DD said exactly that)!
This is your job as a mother. To help support and nurture your children so they become responsable, resilient, capable, independent adults. You can mourn the passing phases, but this should not be impacting you as much as you say. Sounds like there’s an underlying and possibly quite separate reason for your current crisis.

Sorry about your loss. Perhaps your sadness is much more about the baby who never got to grow up.
Please seek some support for this.

I think she’s talking about t4 which would be high if she had hyperthyroidism not tsh