Can’t stop crying over my children growing up! Is there something wrong with me!

[Dawn1991]

Morning everyone for the past few week I literally can’t stop crying my eldest is turning 10 this year and my other baby is going to be 5 and it’s absolutely breaking my heart I go to bed crying I wake up crying I’m even crying at work! I love them so much and I feel like there’s still so much I want to do and not all the time in the world before they get to the age where they don’t want to do things anymore and then my eldest is going to be a teenager! I honestly don’t know if it’s normal to feel this way any mums feel like this or is it just me I feel stupid.

I think it's normal to have moments like this or short periods of time but this sounds like a bit more than that. Is there something else going on that you are trying not to focus on?

This isn't a normal, or healthy reaction at all.

Is there anything else going on in your life thats making you feel down?

I've got adult children and teens and we still do lots of stuff together. You don't want to miss their childhoods by crying about them growing up. If they pick up in your feelings they will be pretty messed up about that too.

Sorry OP but unfortunately this kind of reaction isn’t normal or healthy. You sound like you love your children very much but please seek help to find the root cause of this and deal with your feelings.

We all have odd moments like this but they shouldn’t be all consuming. If your DC pick up on this it could be very damaging for them not least of all because it’s no fun growing up in a house with an adult who cries all the time but also because you could inadvertently be passing on some fear of growing up for them or that somehow their worth/importance diminishes as they grow.

It’s not normal at all to be this over wrought about it. It’s fine to have the odd moment of looking back and missing things but not like this. Be careful you don’t become an over involved parent as they age that can't let go. The women who I know who have really suffered when their children flew the nest are ones that had no relationship or a bad relationship or just not enough in their lives.

I agree that a few thoughts like this are normal but to be distressed like this for weeks is unusual. What started this off? Is there other stuff going on?

yes

This level of distress is not normal. Something else is going on….

I'm sorry that you feel like this, but please seek help to find out why you feel this way. It's not good for you and it's also potentially damaging for your children. I experienced this as a 10 year old. My mum was crying over the fact that I was growing up and I remember the clear sense of her rejecting me. She didn't love me. She loved some sweet little girl in pigtails and that wasn't who I was any more.

She always loved young children but had to wait 25 years from when I turned 10 to when she became a grandma. Such a waste! We could have been close, enjoyed shopping together, or holidays or fun activities, but she distanced herself, yearning for those baby years. Such a waste and so sad.

I learned later that her own mother had died a year before I was born. (I had believed that it was longer before that.) It helped me to understand that the love she had for her baby was partly a replacement for the family love she had lost. Maybe in your case those baby/toddler years were also fulfilling a need in you? Don't let it rob you of a good relationship with your teens however. They can be tough years, but teens are great. Be a mum to your kids whatever age they are.

My kids are adults, and it's GREAT! They earn more than me, take me out for dinner, pander utterly to me (well, not quite utterly but they are very good), and are absolutely terrific company.

So what is it that you are crying about? Your children no longer needing you? They will ALWAYS need you (my 28 year old DD rang me in a panic about bannister rails the other day). Not being dependent on you? Well, that can be a blessing when you find something you want to do on your own.

You might want a word with your GP about the crying all the time. It sounds more like something else going on than just the kids growing up (which, to reiterate, is an absolute blessing). You're allowed to miss the babies they were, but the benefits make up for it.

Yes, that sounds like rather a lot to be feeling. Always remember your job is to raise up independent human beings, not 'children' - so make sure you learn to be happy for them growing up and enjoy it!

How old are you, could it be driven by your hormones?

I don’t cry in front of my children so please don’t assume that. I don’t know wether it’s just because Christmas has just been and gone and time is just going so fast I’m not sure I was just hoping to see if anyone else felt like this I do have underlying thyroid issues so I'm presuming that if everyone’s saying this isn’t normal behaviour then maybe I need to see a gp thank you for all of your comments.

If you're going to bed crying, and crying at work, then you probably aren't doing a good job of hiding your feelings around your kids either.

A check up at the doctors sounds like a good plan.

Lovely comments. Have a read of this when the thoughts are taking hold op, and don’t allow the negative thought pattern to take hold.

As @Vroomfondleswaistcoat said you get new experiences. My DD is an adult in her 20s she has worked the Christmas season Finland and has a on her way home now. She has made me so incredibly proud by travelling and taking advantage of all the incredible opportunities she got.
Now she is coming home and I get to spend some delightful time with her listening to all her incredible stories.
We shop together, go for coffee and have a fabulous adult relationship.
You have so many joyful and fun occasions to come that you can’t yet imagine.

My sister in law has always been similar, and now the children are all young adults and making their own lives she’s finding it incredibly distressing, including convincing the one most likely to stay nearby (as they other two are away at uni) that she has to stay within a few roads away. Her reasoning is that when she has children, she won’t cope like my Sister in law didn’t. May be true, but I don’t think it’s fair to voice that opinion.

I think it boils down to the fact she’s lived her life through her children. She’s a school teacher and found the holidays very difficult when the children started having their own lives. I think it’s sad for all, but particularly for my sister in law as she’s now breaking her heart over it all

Totally normal to have a few wistful moments as they're growing up,what you are describing definitely isn't. I imagine something else is going on as with a 5 and 10 year old you have years of them being little.

I think something else is underlying OP , but you are focussing it on your children being the issue

What are you talking about? How is this not normal? How is showing emotions going to mess up a child’s life?

Going to bed crying and crying in work because your kids are now 10 and 5 is not normal on any level.

Showing emotions is fine. Repeatedly crying because they are getting older is going to fuck them up.

I also agree children always need you it’s just in a different way.

It could be quite suffocating @leojeojao? If not handled carefully children could grow up thinking their desires about the future need to be placed behind the upset of their mum?

Absolutely I think it’s important children feel loved and cared for, but there has to be a balance surely

I also find it crazy how quick they are growing up. I did feel sad about it once over Christmas as the magic of Santa is fading the older they get. Also my friends all have younger children so they're still experiencing that toddler joy, and unlimited cuddles whereas I get the side eye or "mum, that's suss" or even worse "bruh".

I miss things like before they would want to go and play in the park and never want to leave. Now they just want to stay at home and play online with their friends and I have to force them to go outside and end up spending money on treats and get aggro from them too. I'm not going to give up trying though.

You still have time to make memories with both of them. Your 5 year old is still little and 10 is still a kid. Just get planning and do fun stuff to bond, even if it is just playing games together at home.

I doubt if this is just thyroid issues. Definitely get that checked at the GP, but also tell the GP how you are feeling and ask if they can recommend a counsellor.

You can also try to find a counsellor yourself - try a few if you don't like the first one you meet.

I am not saying that you are mentally ill or "crazy" in any way - just that there is some unprocessed emotions or events in your life that it would be helpful to talk about in depth with an expert.

Going to bed crying, waking up crying and crying at work on a regular basis over something as inevitable as your children aging is absolutely not normal.

Children seeing adults cry or show emotion over an upsetting event/situation is perfectly healthy.