Can’t stop crying over my children growing up! Is there something wrong with me!

[Dawn1991]

Morning everyone for the past few week I literally can’t stop crying my eldest is turning 10 this year and my other baby is going to be 5 and it’s absolutely breaking my heart I go to bed crying I wake up crying I’m even crying at work! I love them so much and I feel like there’s still so much I want to do and not all the time in the world before they get to the age where they don’t want to do things anymore and then my eldest is going to be a teenager! I honestly don’t know if it’s normal to feel this way any mums feel like this or is it just me I feel stupid.

Can’t relate. Love talking books with my late teen girls and we are off to a spa later this week. Far preferable to wiping their noses and having full responsibility for them.

January blues making everything seem a bit worse?
Solidarity to those feeling a bit low at the moment. January is tough.

My oldest is going to be 20 then 18 16 11 and 10 I feel like that sometimes x last year we really had the last of the toys at Xmas ... :(

Thank you all for your in put I don’t want to mess my children up that’s the last thing I would ever want to do and I don’t want to be an overbearing mum I’ve reached out to other mums which is extremely difficult to admit that there is potentially something not right with my mental health I have booked to see a counsellor so hopefully I can work on the way I am.

Definitely not normal.

You also risk missing out time with them because you are worrying about them growing up. They are only 10 and 5 and have plenty of time still as children.

It's bittersweet watching your children grow up but it's also a privilege. Not all children grow up, don't take it for granted.

Great!

Like a pp said, it would be sad to spend what’s left of your children’s childhood feeling sad about it. You want to look back and remember that lovely times, whilst also enjoying the new adventures of adulthood, feeling proud of the fabulous young people you’ve brought up x

Well done OP you’re brave to tackle this and sound like a wonderful mum. Hope you manage to find the joy in what’s yet to come

I feel very similar, op, so I totally understand. I look at videos of my Dd when little and just sob, I realise this isn’t healthy though so am trying hard to stop and just be in the moment
It’s the biggest sadness of my life that I couldn’t have more children

It's normal to feel some pangs of nostalgia now and then, but I think not to this extent.

I remind myself that it is great that my three have grown up happy and healthy because the alternative is too awful and really not something I would want to contemplate.

Consider what fun you can have at each different stage of life, and also as you get your own freedom back as they grow - no longer any need for childcare or babysitters, you can come and go as you please without it being a military operation. Once they are adults you can also go on holidays, either together or on your own, without having to be tied to school holidays. Yes, you are still a way off that one yet, but it's great when it arrives.

My three DDs are all adults now and aged 30, 27 and 23. It's brilliant and we are all generally good friends.

Your level of distress is the issue.

I have a 7 year old, 10 year old and 13 year old. I’d give anything to spend one day again with them as babies in arms or toddlers even. It is a really precious time.

5 is such a lovely age. Enjoy it. And I find 8-11 to be peak childhood, young enough for childish joy and wonder but old enough to go places and stay up late if needed and have a proper conversation.

I’m also really enjoying seeing my 13 year old become her own person.

But you still have so much to look forward to and to enjoy right now.

At the risk of talking about my mom was too much on MN, my mother was like this. She cried when I stopped wanting to play with my old toys (when I was getting into double digits). She cried when, in my high school years, I no longer wanted to join in with the young children's activities at a nostalgic kids' play park she'd dragged me to. She came to my university open day with me and sat in the lecture hall with tears in her eyes because she was "so shocked that I was actually old enough to be doing this" and "just couldn't believe it".

After I passed the age of nine, I felt very keenly that she had less and less outward affection for me, because she prized my identity as a little child so much. She had a tough childhood and I think part of her never truly felt like a grown-up. I think she finds it difficult to relate to the adult world.

Now I cry about it, but only to my therapist. It affected how I grew up, and how I saw myself. My next session is tomorrow.

Just to avoid misunderstanding: I have seen my parents express emotions about other things - things you'd expect an adult to cry about - and that was fine.

Your poor children

You said you go to bed crying, you wake up crying and “even crying at work”.

And you don’t think your 10 year old notices?

Do you have a partner?

I couldn’t pull myself together when my son bought his first place and moved out. He was 31! The dr put me on antidepressants 🙁

I realise that I could have been more constructive in my post, based on my experiences.

OP, were there negative things going on in your life before you had children, that parenthood helped you to "escape" from? Maybe you had some less than great childhood experiences yourself, or have some issues feeling complete or worthy as a person. Maybe the wider world makes you feel anxious or overwhelmed. This might be the wake up call to treat yourself with some more kindness and uncover who you are as a person.

You sound like someone who has a huge amount of love and care to show towards your children - being a loving and caring person doesn't have to stop with your kids, I'm sure there are loads of people who already benefit from you being there for them, and plenty more who might love to get to know you in the future.

Your relationship to your children is going to look different when they're older, but that's a good thing. There's so much new stuff to look forward to there.

As for my mom - I probably should have mentioned that we have a good relationship now that I'm in my thirties. There's still a lot of stuff that I'm dealing with but it's been worth it.

i don’t think this is normal at all, you sound like you need some help - counselling or at least talk to your GP.

My DCs are early 20s - one finished uni, the other in final year. Just said bye to the youngest as he goes back for the last full term. I have to say we have a great relationship, much better than when they were young. And yes, they still need you so much - even more as bigger ‘kids’ have bigger problems, as they say.

OP, it would probably help you to access some therapy to help you figure out what's behind this.

A lot of mums find their identity is really wrapped up in being mum when kids are little and a sense of who you are or were before that can get lost. What does the rest of your life look like outside your mum identity? Do you like your job? How are your relationships with other adults in your life? Hobbies and interests? Health? Spirituality, if you're into it?

What does the idea of your children growing up make you think about and feel? Are you associating it perhaps with being needed less? A sense of loss? A fear of losing control as your children become more their own people and make their own decisions? Fear they will grow away from you?

What was your own upbringing like, and what do you want or not want to replicate for your kids?

Just a few things it might help to reflect on if and when you decide to access some support to help you work through it.

I wholeheartedly understand this too an extent, like I feel I need to rush in family holidays while their young to get in all the lovely memories. However the constant crying isn’t normal and it does sound like you’re struggling with depression. Please reach out to your Gp

I hear you. It can become overwhelming at times when you look back at how quickly time has passed, you blink and they’re their own little independent people.
However they will always need you. In my experience, they are great company and you form a different relationship as they age, that is probably more fulfilling than the younger ages, where you’re running around on zero sleep.
How long have you felt this way? Could it be hormones that are tugging your heartstrings a little more than usual?

Good for you seeking help OP and recognising it isn’t normal. Great first step!! Good luck.

They always need you, even if the needs change.

Since Christmas we have had phone calls about patio slabs, tax return advice, how to make pastry, a plumbing issue and a garden question. On the flip side they can drive us around, help me with phone issues and are just generally lovely adults. Even betteris when they acquire equally delightful partners.

OP enjoy them at whatever age they are, it gets different rather than worse. But seek help if you think you need it.

I feel exactly the same OP. I cried this morning about it. Someone online suggested I volunteer at local hospital cuddling the babies. I dunno if that would help or not. I feel like a massive gap in my life now I’m not a “full time mummy” (even though I’ve got a full time job). I looked forward to being a mummy so much and now it feels like those years are over. I think it’s okay to mourn and grieve, crying helps process that sadness. Let it out.

Also I’ve noticed some people in life just feel things more deeply. Everyone saying it’s “not normal” - if maybe not normal for them, but feeling things deeply and having a rich emotional life might be normal for you..doesn’t mean you will have these feelings forever..this too shall pass.

I think you need to get a more demanding and fulfilling job.

Sounds like a mixture of depression, anxiety and hormones to me, I would see make an appointment to see your GP. I do have a moment here and there about how time flies, but I am HAPPY and extremely grateful that I get to see my daughter growing up healthy and strong. I think of those poor parents that don't get the privilege of that 😓. Take care.