14 year old DS and first girlfriend (16) want a sleepover.

[WishfulThinkingToday]

My DS was invited to stay at his girlfriend’s house for the night. I guess I am quite strict and so is my husband, we both said no. They don’t have a spare bed as yet, but are willing to buy one for their spare room if he stayed with them.

However, talking to friends and girlfriend’s mother it seems like sleepovers are a common thing to do at this age. They have sleepovers in the living room or with two extra friends in the bedroom.

When I was young my Mother basically went crazy just hearing I had a boyfriend at 17, never-mind sleepovers! I thought I was being lenient with my son by having a girlfriend so young, and a sleepover is a step too far.

Am I overreacting? What do other parents think?

👏👏👏👏

OP the nagging from her mum almost tips it from lenient parenting to something more sus. There are all sorts of parents out there, with all sorts of motivations beyond caring for their children.

This is how my friend's son became a 'father' a month after his 16th birthday! He was barely capable of looking after himself for a few hours on his own.

Oh no - I don’t want to think about it. I hope not.

I am just putting it down to them being very friendly, but with different (lenient) rules.

I will meet the mother soon and chat, and find out what she says. At the end of the day, her daughter likes my son and he likes her back. It is up to us to keep them safe.

Fingers crossed, nothing more than a kiss and some hand-holding. He is not of age (for a year and a half).

Yes, you are right (seen your updated posts). You maybe still need to have that awkward chat though (if they are determined they will make it happen anyway, not the sleepover, but the sex bit ) but condoning / making it easy for them it at 14 and 16 is irresponsible. Be good to chat to the other mum more I think. x

Definitely not OP. My DS is 15 and his gf is a year older. They have been together for a year. We have said firm no to sleepovers.

14 is far too young, you should definitely say no. I have a 14 year old DD and she would be told no too - she has sleepovers with friends of course but absolutely no way with a boyfriend.
14 is very young to be with a 16 year old too, I wouldn’t be happy about that, it’s a big difference at that age.
I don’t think i’ll be allowing this kind of sleepover until 17/18, year 13 kind of age at least, it’s just quite a big step.

Why not?

She will be 16 in a few weeks and her mum is pushing for a sleepover

Hands down one of the weirdest things I’ve read on MN. Why on earth is your DS’s girlfriend’s mum messaging you and why on earth is she pushing for a sleepover?! If they’re two mature consenting adults who want to spend the night together, they don’t need their mum’s to arrange it!!!

They’re kids. Nip this in the bud now and don’t budge an inch until your DS is 16.

Can't you read?

The girl is 16?

Because 14 year old boys generally aren't at the same level of maturity as 16 year old girls 🤷

She is 16, boy is 14. He is under the age of consent. Can't you read.

The daughter could end up arrested and on the sex offenders list if she has sex with a 14 year old.
Surely most parents would want to protect their children from that happening.

2 x 16 year olds maybe, but I wouldn't want my 14 year old son staying over at a 16 year old girls. Because she is over the age of consent and he is not.

I really really hope that the people so against it are also against 16 year old boys dating 14 year old girls. Because that is equally as weird.

I would only say yes if there will be other teens there, you know the parents and can find out about supervision/sleeping arrangements. If it's just the 2 of them it would be a no for me. 14 is too young for an overnight alone with a girlfriend

They're far too young for a sleepover even with separate rooms. It makes the relationship seem more serious by staying overnight in the same house imo.

I’m surprised a year 11 will date a year 10 especially with 18 month ish between them. That would have been a definite no at my kids school. The year 11 would have taken a lot of stick for that.

I’d be concerned at the girls parents lack of parenting and boundaries and be hoping this relationship fizzles out soon. Encourage your son to see his friends and keep him busy with other things.

Yep, I am against both ways. I say that as a mother of a 17 year old DS and a 15 year old DD.

Surely, @WishfulThinkingTodaythe girl in question should be concentrating on her GCSEs. Mocks coming up? Revision timetables?

I would be wary about what’s going on here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the mother is clutching at straws to get her DD to revise etc. So a “Yes, you can have the sleepover if you do xyz revision for the Maths exam”. Or someone similar.

i had to be 18, even after nearly 4 years together

I total agree with you op. One of my dd’s friends has been with a boy for years now. They were having him stay over from age 14 and taking him on holiday soon after that. Your ds and his gf are highly unlikely to be together by the time your ds gets to 16. But if they are, they can wait. And you can then see how you feel at the time.

My year 13, 17 yo dd, had and went on a few group mixed sex sleepovers in years 11 and 12. Nothing wrong with these at the end of a party, although dd hasn’t wanted to stay over anywhere for about a year or have a group to stay. But her friends still do from time to time. I’m not naive enough to understand there will be kissing, perhaps sometimes more when a group gets together. They’re all of age and at 17/18, the parents need to be going into it with their eyes open.

Obviously yes? That is statutory rape

Definitely time to have a talk with him about protection and consent (or a refresher if you already have). Based on how that conversation goes I would consider buying him condoms just in case.

No way would I heading my underage child round to this creepy woman’s house. He’s a child and you’re in charge. I expect it’s more than kissing that will be encouraged.

At 14 no way!

So this is potentially a Year 11 girl dating a Year 9 boy? That’s really rare - plenty of year 9 girls will moon over year 11 boys but the other way round, and actually date? Very rare. Year 11 girls are usually to be found casting their eye over the sixth formers.
Their friendship circle? - mostly her friends or his? If his I’d suspect some egging on, if hers I’d suspect some leading on followed by a humiliating rejection. Both unhealthy scenarios.
Id say no sleepovers unless it’s a large gang (6/8+) all kipping down on the front room floor. And I’d expect the host’s parents to be savvy enough to recognise the concerns other parents might have and reach out apprising them of the set-up ‘no alcohol, bring their own sleeping bag, strictly certain 15 horror films only, we’ll both be on the premises but keeping a low profile’. Obviously in a group of 16+s the parameters would be different, if at all, but for 14 yr olds there’s still potential for really bad memories to be made.