How to help overweight daughter

[NeedSleepNow]

My daughter is 12 and is overweight for her age/height. She was always very slim previously but gradually put on weight over the last 3 years since her Dad and I separated. It was very gradual to begin with, a combination of a bit of emotional eating and her Dad feeding her nothing but crappy food. She then went to secondary school and she put on a lot more weight as she ate a lot of junk there. I tried sending healthy packed lunches but she threw most of it away and bought fast food from the canteen instead (I wasn't putting money on her school meals account, she is eligible for free school meals so there is always £3 available on her account each day so she knows she can always buy something).

She is very unhappy with her weight now, cries a lot about it and is asking for help. I talk about the importance about being healthy, eating a variety of good foods, eating certain things in moderation, getting exercise but have always tried not to talk about anyone being fat/overweight etc.

She does a lot of dance but doesn't enjoy it much now because of her weight (she hates seeing herself in the large mirrors there), has given up swimming as she's too selfconcious in a swimming costume. It's really starting to affect her confidence and day to day life.

How would you tackle this? She is desperate to lose weight but is really struggling with healthy eating. She has quite a restrictive diet which makes it very hard to give her healthy balanced meals as she just won't eat most of it (there are lots of sensory issues with food, I suspect she is autistic and the school have suggested going via the GP to try to get a diagnosis). I desperately want to help her tackle this before it affects her even more.

My ds is twice Ur DD's age but BMI was similar. He had a wake up call after a medical checkup.

He's massively reduced snacking, tracks calories and does kickboxing. He's lost 7kg now

Is she really 4' 7"? That is tiny for a 12 year old. If she really is that small, then the reality is that her friends probably do eat as much as she does without gaining weight as some of them are probably almost a foot taller than her.

Can you just focus on having healthy meals and reasonable portions at home? My own kids will not eat vegetables, so I don't even mean plates of veg, just ordinary family meals on a small plate and minimal treats. Then even if she does eat junk at school it shouldn't matter as much.

What absolute rubbish. Keto was debunked long ago.

They can buy a lot of junk at secondary school, the food at her school is awful. She was having pizza, Danish pastry, cookies, donuts etc.

She would snack all day if she had the chance unfortunately.

What I find sad and weird is the Dads attitude.

This is ridiculous and dangerous ‘advice’. To be frank it’s a recipe for an eating disorder.

Everything in moderation is always the best and most natural way of eating. Restricting and demonising entire food groups just causes bingeing once finally given access.

Introducing a 12yo to calorie counting is basically asking for a one way ticket to the world of anorexia.

Yes, there is certainly ‘junk’ available however with £3 she will be limited in how much she can buy. Free school meals covered things like a muffin/cookie/pizza slice for break and a full hot meal for lunch at DD’s school. Kids don’t get fat from that alone. The problem has to lie at home OP.

Seriously, that is not enough calories for a toddler. It’s really dangerous advice and actually abusive.

she won't eat the main meal more often than not so would buy junk at break and then pizza & cake at lunch. This was definitely part of the problem but obviously not the whole problem

i would totally disagree with the people talking about calorie counting. Many very overweight people have been yo-yo dieting for much of their lives. It leads to disordered eating.

I think you just need to make thd changes you can at home. You can know the calories she needs and tot it up but don’t tell her.

She doesn’t need a deficit - she is growing. She should eat what she needs and she I’ll grow into herself.

Do you think there is an element of comfort eating? Is she happy generally?

Thank you all for your replies. I hadn't checked the thread since yesterday and then checked a few minutes ago and there were 89 new replies so I won't address all issues right now!

In answer to a few of the questions:

she is terrible at drinking. She hates plain water so drinks weak squash. She often complains of headaches and I'll ask her what she has had to drink and some days she'll say nothing or half a glass of squash is all she's had all day. I've told her that it's so important to stay hydrated, get body and mind need it to function properly and it is easy to get thirsty and hunger signals muddled up.

I've never banned any foods and wouldn't plan to. We often talk about everything being ok in moderation and trying to find a balance.

In terms of therapy/counselling etc. she has had some therapy at school but she didn't like missing lessons for it so wanted to stop and I just can't afford to pay for her to see someone privately. I would love to be able to but as a single parent I just don't have much spare money at the moment.

I certainly don't want her to become fixated with calorie counting/diets etc. I have tried to help her feel happy in her own skin and know that our worth is not defined by our weight but since starting secondary school there is a lot of pressure from others to look a certain way.

She hasn't started her periods yet. I have wondered if things will settle a bit once she doesand her hormones change. Someone mentored the possibility of pcos, how would that be tested for, is it by blood test? She would absolutely try to refuse one as she is petrified of needles.

I had hoped to get a dog, to help us all get out for long walks (and she desperately wants one as she says dogs don't judge you) but we just aren't in a position to get one at the moment. I can't afford a gym membership but home workouts together could be good or couch to 5k. I did that a few years ago and could try to get her to do it with me.

I'm am going to try to get her cookie g a few things with me over the Christmas holidays, see if we can find a few new balanced meals that she would enjoy making and eating.

@Dagda she is desperately unhappy. She is struggling to cope with the transition to secondary school, a house move, her Dad and I divorcing, hormones, changes with friendships etc. She sobs about how she looks, saying she hates what she sees in the mirror. My heart bleeds for her as she has so much sadness and anxiety at the moment.

Even though it appears that her friends are eating similarly at school, it's quite likely that they eat way less at home so their overall caloric intake is far lower. Hard to explain to her as written, but definitely a reason to explain that everything you eat in a day makes a big difference.

At her age the focus might be more on not gaining more weight rather than actively losing weight, then as she grows height and weight becoming more in proportion towards the end of puberty. But agree with needing to instill healhier approaches to food and being more active.

It’s the G word. Their algorithm thinks it’s about the Devil’s lettuce

You’re her mum OP- what’s your feeling about what she really needs here.

Sounds to me like perhaps what she really needs is some significant emotional support with puberty/ life changes/ body confidence, rather than be put on a diet.

You sound like you’re a great Mum and you’re clearly concerned. So keep up your support.

I read now she does not drink water and add squash to everything. She is 12, not 2. She is basically drinking herself to be fat. There is no human being who does not like water, it’s just not possible. I know people say not to ban food but squash is not food is just junk, it is banned from my house and I would totally ban it and really make her read what she is drinking. OP you totally need her to talk to a GP and push her to do counselling at school. Missing lessons is nothing with respect to the years of mental and physical issues she will have by being fat

I would take her round the supermarket at her DFs and find some nice things to eat which aren't junk. Some interesting fruit, watermelon, mango, etc, Nuts in different forms. savoury biscs.
I would also take her out after school to some sport and do it with her (if you aren't working) swim, tennis, badminton.
At age 12 I would expect the changes to happen quite quickly regarding fitness and weight eg slimmer by Easter (but not if DF is giving her junk).
How old is her brother - if he is into sport surely he will be happy to miss the junk food.

If she's eating for a "high" (either emotional eating or boredom), then unfortunately talking about healthy eating is going to have a minimal effect unless you and she work on healthier ways to process her emotions.

Also, there are no obvious indicators from what you've said, but bear in mind the possibility of ADHD. It often manifests itself quite differently in girls - intense emotions, rejection sensitivity, daydreaming, problems with social skills - and secondary is often where masking becomes too difficult for them. Hormonal imbalances cause impulse control issues which can result in over-eating.

Yes… those 10 calories per glass of squash are really the root cause of the UK obesity epidemic 🤦‍♀️ Again, everything in moderation is fine - drinking solely plain water all day can actually dehydrate you. Humans need electrolytes. You can find ‘proper’ non UPF squash with solely sugar & fruit juice in it (none of those awful chemical sweeteners), you just have to be prepared to pay the price!

Please don’t talk about “loosing weight” .. let her grow into her weight. Can you ask GP for help from dietician?

If a gym membership is something you think she may find helpful op, I would look into your local council facilities if you have them. Ours have an under 16’s membership for around £10 per month that give them access to
everything (pool, classes, multiple gyms). They also have a gym induction program for kids to learn how to safely use the equipment. I appreciate it might not be an option but I thought worth mentioning.

Hi op I want to send you a bit of solidarity here as a mum with an overweight tween I know it’s a lot more complex than most see or understand. I would reach out to the school nurse, they can refer you for specialist support. I’ve learnt the importance of language we use around this & of keeping confidence up. I was advised that growing children don’t lose weight, rather the aim is not to gain more whilst they grow. Portion control seems to be key, but the snacking at school is beyond your control so I’d speak to the school & get some subtle support in place. Good luck you sound like a lovely mum.

I second the above about school nursing

In our area you can self refer to school nursing where they will do a 6 weekly sessions of 1-1 for support.

they don’t talk about dieting or anything like that it’s just healthy eating and moving more and focus on the health benefits for this rather than weight.

might be worth a shot if she consents?