How to help overweight daughter

[NeedSleepNow]

My daughter is 12 and is overweight for her age/height. She was always very slim previously but gradually put on weight over the last 3 years since her Dad and I separated. It was very gradual to begin with, a combination of a bit of emotional eating and her Dad feeding her nothing but crappy food. She then went to secondary school and she put on a lot more weight as she ate a lot of junk there. I tried sending healthy packed lunches but she threw most of it away and bought fast food from the canteen instead (I wasn't putting money on her school meals account, she is eligible for free school meals so there is always £3 available on her account each day so she knows she can always buy something).

She is very unhappy with her weight now, cries a lot about it and is asking for help. I talk about the importance about being healthy, eating a variety of good foods, eating certain things in moderation, getting exercise but have always tried not to talk about anyone being fat/overweight etc.

She does a lot of dance but doesn't enjoy it much now because of her weight (she hates seeing herself in the large mirrors there), has given up swimming as she's too selfconcious in a swimming costume. It's really starting to affect her confidence and day to day life.

How would you tackle this? She is desperate to lose weight but is really struggling with healthy eating. She has quite a restrictive diet which makes it very hard to give her healthy balanced meals as she just won't eat most of it (there are lots of sensory issues with food, I suspect she is autistic and the school have suggested going via the GP to try to get a diagnosis). I desperately want to help her tackle this before it affects her even more.

OP, do you feel that you could speak to her dad to get him on board with a healthier pattern for her? It would be useful if he could break the unhealthy habits that he is giving her. x

This is a tough spot. Since her dad isn't helping, you need to be the gatekeeper. Adopt the mantra: If you don't buy it, she can't eat it. This means limiting acess to sweets, crisps, cake and pop, and stocking up on unlimited fruit and low-calorie cordial instead. She won't get fat eating fruit! Also, stopping swimming is a negative step—you need to encourage more activity. Get her into long walks with you and new clubs. Stop giving her pocket money if she spends it on sweets; instead, encourage her to put it in a savings account (like Monzo/Starling) one she can't access to save for something big. When she's at her dad's, encourage her to say no, but accept it's out of your control, and just be sure to immediately bin any sweets etc she brings home.

Not all dancing has to be done in front of a mirror - dance at home, you tube videos, go to a community ceilidh/ barn dance and enjoy yourselves together. Dances are always walked through first then called as you go.

I'm a huge advocate for drinking plenty of water, I try to get my kids to drink a glass on waking and during meals, I do myself and believe that it obviously hydrates you but also flushes you through.

If she’s ASD the food may be sensory seeking/ soothing.

My dd was like this. She was AUDHD.

Tread carefully and sensitively. Friends year 6 DD diagnosed with anorexia recently after school friends taunting her re weight. Just 6 months ago and now she can’t even leave her bed. So scary.

I suggest that you keep nothing at all in the house that she can snack on (eg crisps, chocs, biscuits) and keep the meal carbs to a sensible portion size. I hesitate to say it but would calorie counting be worth trying with her, because if you/she doesn't solve the problem now at age 12 it might get a lot worse....

I know it feels tricky to talk about calories etc with kids but I was the fat kid when I was young and I wish my mum had just helped me. I started slimming world at 14 but that SW is just terrible for food relationships.
Talk to her about her calorie allowance, help her keep track of it each day. Just get her to stick to maintenance calories for a while and then cut it down by 100 cals gradually. Up her exercise so she has a bigger allowance.

That's just silly. Complete restriction will just encourage her to fail. Everyone can eat all foods in moderation and she needs to learn how to eat well with that food still around.

Not an expert but life lessons gathered which you might find suit

It might help to think of emotional eating (non hunger/mealtime eating) as dopamine seeking. What does she do for fun (that is food free). Do more of that and more often. Even sitting down with a game of cards together in the evening for example.

Exercise isn’t a weight loss tool but is important for lots of reasons and is to be enjoyed.

There will be an element of hormones so no shaming lots of education. Sugar and processed foods make your body feel hungrier more often and more dramatically. You can get away with less as you leave childhood (depending on genetics). At her age you could look up government guidance on grams of sugar for children and she can be in charge of calculating herself how she eats that sugar by reading the packs for example a small chocolate bar after dinner in the evening would be the limit but she may choose a scoop of ice cream or a fizzy drink or something else.

Look for Jesse Inchauspie (sp) on Channel 4 or on Facebook for her healthy eating rules - nothing is banned but there is sensible education which she calls ‘hacks’.

Love her (I know you do) and make sure she feels safe, has a calm home and knows her value and that it isn’t to do with weight or looks, keep her self esteem high and healthy along with all family food habits.

Evening snacking is not good so after a satisfying meal it’s good to aim for homework/fun activity bath and early night if that’s a habit that’s working against her.

Remember that what she does most of the time is most important and that banning things can cause them to be magnetic.

Teach her how to make scrambled egg but I suspect she can do that already A couple of eggs on toast will set her up for the day. Cereals are awful for causing your blood sugars to crash,leaving you hungry shortly afterwards. I was addicted to chocolate for a few years in my teens and I was permanently starving. I lost interest in real food and I had previously been a very adventurous eater.
In terms of exercise, I would suggest you look at the Cadets. My daughter went to Army cadets at age 12 and lived it. The sessions are free and so is the uniform., you just need to buy the boots. There are also Fire , air force and other cadets. I think if your daughter has some degree of autism, she would love the drills, lots of repetitive moves. My friend has a son with autism and he loved being part of the boys brigade as well as a marching band but hates team sports preferring things like golf and snooker.

Apologies, not read all the pages. For sure get your daughter interested in cooking, it can really help with understanding it all imo.
As she's a fan of fast food, maybe you both could have a go at imitating the fast foods she likes to eat at school but controlled, like a grilled chicken burger and potato wedges, rather than chips etc and see if she will stick to a healthier lunch that you chose together? If you have a garden and wish to try and get her involved more with vegetables and fruit, can you set aside a corner to grow things together? She may start to accept more foods if she's been involved with it more.

As for getting up and about, walking is still a great way to lose weight. Anyone you know with a dog? A good few mile rambles in the countryside with a dog never feels like a chore and she can wear the clothes she feels comfortable in. Cycling too? I can understand why she doesn't want to go swimming if feeling low in confidence.

Dad, yeah, he's not helping. Anyway that he can pop the pocket money in a jar each week, saving up for a treat that your daughter would like? Like a horse riding lesson, a toy/game she's wanting or an experience of some sort? He's got misplaced kindness and the amount of sweets and biccies she has each week is way over the top. Good luck OP.

With the walking to school part- there is no reason you cannot drive her a mile away from the school and she has to walk the last part or start at half a mile and day and move up...

Some of the stuff on this thread is terrible advice for an adult, never mind a self-conscious 12 year old girl. Focus on health and strength, not diet and exercise.

All are entwined?

I really agree with this too.
Teen years are tough enough as it is - starting diets or excluding foods now could go really wrong.
Apart from being more "healthy" as a family and not dieting - which largely means cutting out sugary drinks and lots of shop bought chocolates and sweets, I would aim to maintain a healthy diet at home with a large protein filled breakfast and lots of water but not really .
The key thing at this age is exercise. I know it's a catch 22 - but lots of walking really really helps. My DD and I did a walk every evening on top of school stuff, dancing to YouTube and learning choreography in our lounge whilst she got a bit of confidence back.
it really doesn't take much at 12 yo.

How is she getting on with her friends? Does she have a wide friendship group, maybe she is just at the stage of seeing some around her blossoming and she is struggling with this. Guess as she is 12 then she will be in Yr 7 or 8, maybe finding the switch to Secondary tough or just feeling a bit down in general. Even just things like changing for PE can be difficult if she is not comfortable with her body. I would talk to her Head of Year, or similar, at school and see if there is a caring older student who previously struggled with weight and eating patterns and could give her a bit of support. As an ex HofY and Food Tech teacher it is a very common problem for young teenagers. Maybe ask about the Yr 7/8 Biology or General Science and the Food Tech schemes of work to see what she is being taught about exercise, nutrition, food choices, and the relationship between food and body development. I am sad that her Dad is not seeing the problems he is creating or giving you and her the necessary support. Maybe there are some community healthy eating cookery courses that would interest her and a friend (often adverts in local colleges/doctors surgery/community centres).

Also @NeedSleepNow im not sure how true this is, but "they" say a child is always the same height or more than the mother? I'm not sure if it's a fable but it applies to all of my friends' kids.

FFS you are suggesting putting a child on a ketogenic diet! This is DANGEROUS and hideous. Children NEED CARBOHYDRATES. Yes upping protein and good fats would help, but she needs to be adding foods, not restricting anything or demonizing food groups.

I really hope you don’t have kids.

The responses on this thread are chilling. No wonder we have an eating disorder epidemic.

OP please check out the Ellyn Satter institute- science backed advice not just the warped perspectives of the women on this thread.

Please be REALLY careful about the advice on this thread, op. Autistic young people are particularly vulnerable to Eating Disorders and a common pattern is that gaining weight around puberty is the trigger.

Be careful about putting her in a calorie deficit. Her growing body will actually have a very powerful drive to override this and she will feel shame if she can’t stick to it. Telling her she is overweight, even if she already knows, could do real damage.

An Eating Disorders unit would put a teen with an ED on 2500 calories. My dd lost weight on any less. 1500 is concerning.
2000-2500 is recommended for teens. You will quickly see what her requirements are. If you go for 2000, you will see whether she loses or maintains. Bearing in mind that if she maintains she will grow into her weight, and it does sound as though she has a lot of growing to do.

Mumsnet is not the best place for advice on this.

Can you talk to her about sugar spikes and how to sustain energy and avoid dips?

Agree with a pp about the addictiveness of UPFs, when I've been eating badly I really crave them and it takes about a week to break the cycle.

Also try to understand what it is she's seeking when eats junk food. Is it to feel included and grown up? I used to buy junk food at school that age and a lot of it was around the freedom and autonomy of being able to do so without an adult telling me no.

Or as a pp suggested it could be sensory seeking - she loves the first tastes and sensations, or she's looking for something crunchy, or salty, or sweet...With flavours one often leads to another - if I eat something sweet I often like something salty afterwards. You might be able to tweak her lunches to meet those needs instead.

Also, ask the school for advice. They must have experience in helping pre teens and teens learn to navigate this.

I would really really urge focussing on exercise as well here. Can you plan a 1 hour walk at least once a week and she should start doing some weights? Either on YouTube with you or a circuit class/gym once a week, plus get her back in the pool, maybe early morning when no one is watching. But also say calmly did you choose to eat a lot of junk food at school today/buy a lot of junk food when with your dad ? That wasn’t the best choice was it. (& I’m sorry your dad isn’t more helpful here, I know that doesn’t make it easy) Keep the tone calm and not blaming, but she needs to address that these are choices.

With the TDEE you need to deduct 500 calories to lose 1ib - 2ib a week. I'm not sure if kids are different though buy maybe get her on 1100 ish. Buy lots of protein yoghurts, fridge raiders, baby bel lights etc to replace the sweets and chocolate. Good Luck

Another good way to look at it is what choices nourish our bodies. Chocolate, sweets and crisp might feel good in the instant but they don't nourish us, whereas eating a balanced meal sets up for whatever activity comes next, effects our mental health and gives us strength, energy and concentration.

OP, please please please ignore any advice on this thread about dieting, calorie deficits, counting calories with your daughter or any form of restriction. You will be be setting her up for a lifetime of weight problems.

There is extensive research on this, look up Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. It is an excellent book, and I think there is information in there to help with children too.

This thread is making me feel so anxious with the overtime diet culture and posters thinking it's ok to track calories with a child.

ETA: also 4"7 is tiny for a 12 year old. My 12 year old is on the smaller side at 4"11. It is very likely there is a decent growth spurt coming that will see that weight drop off. That has happened to my son recently.