How to help overweight daughter

[NeedSleepNow]

My daughter is 12 and is overweight for her age/height. She was always very slim previously but gradually put on weight over the last 3 years since her Dad and I separated. It was very gradual to begin with, a combination of a bit of emotional eating and her Dad feeding her nothing but crappy food. She then went to secondary school and she put on a lot more weight as she ate a lot of junk there. I tried sending healthy packed lunches but she threw most of it away and bought fast food from the canteen instead (I wasn't putting money on her school meals account, she is eligible for free school meals so there is always £3 available on her account each day so she knows she can always buy something).

She is very unhappy with her weight now, cries a lot about it and is asking for help. I talk about the importance about being healthy, eating a variety of good foods, eating certain things in moderation, getting exercise but have always tried not to talk about anyone being fat/overweight etc.

She does a lot of dance but doesn't enjoy it much now because of her weight (she hates seeing herself in the large mirrors there), has given up swimming as she's too selfconcious in a swimming costume. It's really starting to affect her confidence and day to day life.

How would you tackle this? She is desperate to lose weight but is really struggling with healthy eating. She has quite a restrictive diet which makes it very hard to give her healthy balanced meals as she just won't eat most of it (there are lots of sensory issues with food, I suspect she is autistic and the school have suggested going via the GP to try to get a diagnosis). I desperately want to help her tackle this before it affects her even more.

I lost weight by counting calories. Any sweet treat had to be less than 100 calories and nothing more than five percent fat content. Air fryers use very little oil and are also helpful. I foundit important never to watch food ads on tv. A good motivation is every time you lose a pound in weight, put a tin of tomatoes on a table somewhere....seeing a physical object representng your weight loss helps. I would suggest she makes it a new years resolution to lose a bit of weight but talk to her about what might work for her. I wouldnt start before Christmas.

Can you park a walking distance from school to get some walking time in each day ?

Maybe add some vitamin gummies. If she restricts her fruit and veg her body may be craving nutrients adding to the always hungry feeling.

Agree with others about other kids. I had lots of crisps and chocolate, but was underfed at home combined with medical issues I was underweight.

If she’s 12 and very short I wouldn’t set a goal for her to lose weight, but instead aim to keep her weight stable so she grows into it with her next growth spurt. If she has sensory issues I wouldn’t mind too much about what she eats exactly, it’s all about portion control and ideally make sure she gets a multivitamin X

Once you have processed/fast food, everything else is rather tasteless, and the whole strategy in the way it's made is to make it something you will crave.
The answer easiest to swallow (pun intended), is to have a mix of both in your diet and up the physical activity to balance it out.
We are absolutely surrounded by it, so you're fighting a losing battle here sorry to say.

Why has my reply been hidden????

Edit unhidden now, that was strange

Regular meals is essential. And no banning food groups. I work in eating disorders.

Also meant to add NO DIETING - it doesn’t work and can pave the way to a lifelong eating problem.

That's good advice for an adult trying to lose weight, but this is a child.

Breakfast wise i have a yoghurt pot that gives 40 gms of cereal..the recommended amount. It is very easy to overdo the amount of cereal. Also important to eat protein as it fills you up which is why most people are hungry after fast food...lots of sauce and fat etc but little protein.

My dd is an older but she’s always had issues with food (sensory issues, limited diet). I have had to stop buying some of the foods she will eat due to them not being healthy, other foods she can have but in moderation, she will not eat many vegatables and doesn’t eat meat so her diet is pretty limited. We try and reduce portion sizes and cut out snacking.

Does she snack a lot? Id start with getting her into some better snacks at home
ans high in protein. What are her sensory things like is it crunchy?

Absolutely this. What kind of breakfast is she having? Is it protein based which will keep her feeling satisfied for longer, or is it empty calories like toast and jam, or cereal?

She could probably do with a hefty dose of protein to start the day.

Start her with a really
good breakfast every day and id get her assessment done as emotional eating will be better if she’s happeir.

you should get help for her, I would go straight to a nutritionist, to teach her how to eat and really explain to her in a age appropriate way what she needs to do, and a counsellor, to get to the bottom of why she needs to eat so much, but it’s expensive so if you can’t I would start with the GP.
it is very good you are worried and want to do something, but you need to be supported as you are not a teen specialist and knowing what to do and how to talk to her is hard.
however, pls act as you might save her from a lifetime of low self esteem, shame, health conditions that she can still avoid now

Just read some more of the replies. Whatever you do please do not suggest or put her on a diet. This is a recipe for disaster (my mum thought she was helping me by giving me diet books when I said I didn’t like my weight - I went on to have a 25 year severe eating disorder). I work with parents of teens with EDs now and also adults with binge eating disorder, for the latter group many of them were put on diets in their childhood. I cannot stress enough how damaging this could be.

Ensure she eats regular meals and snacks, no more than 3 hours between food, you can certainly talk about balance and variety but restricting foods or food groups is not advised. Think about activity in terms of wellbeing - start with walks, getting outside in nature, etc. notice what she does well (not food related) and praise it to boost self esteem. Would she go swimming with you at a leisure centre etc to build confidence in getting back to swimming etc?

I agree with you that snacks are really important! And just in general.

I most definitely would not calorie count with a teenage girl. Yes it’s effective but also consuming and addictive.
i would focus massively on just living a healthier lifestyle, walking where you can even if inconvenient, and a focus on portion sizes. Maybe every meal cut 1/3 off and replace with a vegetable that she likes even if it’s just cucumber sticks. Eg, instead of a whole plate of spaghetti bolognese, 2/3 spaghetti Bol and 1/3 cucumbers. And do this with every meal so she’s still eating her normal foods. I would also ensure she’s not drinking any calories too. Eg swap orange juice for orange squash if she doesn’t drink water.

Is there absolutely no chance of getting her going back to swimming? I know she's self-conscious - could she go at less busy times, can you go with her? It's such a catch-22 as swimming is something that can really boost her confidence, be focus on strength rather than weight, and improve her health in so many different ways. And ultimately nobody sees your size when you're IN the water.

DD (overweight as a 10 year old) says in her case she thinks it was obsessive eating, trying to recapture the pleasure of the first mouthful. She learnt to balance her weight in late teens by getting into strength training and nutrition, but the only thing that actually knocked back the cravings was ADHD medication.

I haven't read the full thread. Ultra processed foods are highly addictive, designed not to be eaten in moderation. Adults struggle with this let alone kids. Try watching the Xmas lecture with her by Chris Van Tulekan. Its aimed at kids and is educational about upf. I would focus on whole grain carbs, lots of protein and whatever veg she will eat. Avoid snacks but have ample healthy non upf food she can eat like carrot sticks, boiled eggs, etc. And get her in to a sport, park run, cycling whatever she enjoys. Also dont focus on weight, focus on health. Its ok to have a bigger body, not everyone us designed to be thin and thats ok, as long as she is healthy.

Go and see your GP. This is a health issue.

It’s a tricky age because you are genuinely quite hungry a lot of the time. I remember putting on weight around a similar age, but then lost it when I had a big growth spurt. It was also a very different time, no social media to deal with.

I have boys so different in terms of hormones etc, but they have also gone through periods of putting on weight. There are loads more
snacking opportunities now, but I try to give them some healthier bits for snacks and don’t have crisps, biscuits etc at home. They do buy stuff when they’re out though, which is hard to control.

Definitely work on cooking skills and also teach her how to shop healthier when her dad takes her to the supermarket. Also as she is still growing just work on the healthy lifestyle rather than dieting per se. Demonstrate healthy portions at home too

Possibly look at Michael Moseley 800 diet, listen to Chris and Xand on BBC sounds - they do really interesting programmes about food/upf/loosing weight etc.
Might also be worth getting her some counselling/physiological help to unpick her unhealthy eating habits. Get some help from a nutritionist. Bless her, she sounds like she's in a really vicious cycle.
Her dad's behaviour is appalling, particularly considering he won't eat junk food!!

Has she started her periods yet? I think it's quite common to put on weight beforehand and then have a growth spurt and grow into it.

At 4 ft 7 it sounds like this is still to come.