How to help overweight daughter

[NeedSleepNow]

My daughter is 12 and is overweight for her age/height. She was always very slim previously but gradually put on weight over the last 3 years since her Dad and I separated. It was very gradual to begin with, a combination of a bit of emotional eating and her Dad feeding her nothing but crappy food. She then went to secondary school and she put on a lot more weight as she ate a lot of junk there. I tried sending healthy packed lunches but she threw most of it away and bought fast food from the canteen instead (I wasn't putting money on her school meals account, she is eligible for free school meals so there is always £3 available on her account each day so she knows she can always buy something).

She is very unhappy with her weight now, cries a lot about it and is asking for help. I talk about the importance about being healthy, eating a variety of good foods, eating certain things in moderation, getting exercise but have always tried not to talk about anyone being fat/overweight etc.

She does a lot of dance but doesn't enjoy it much now because of her weight (she hates seeing herself in the large mirrors there), has given up swimming as she's too selfconcious in a swimming costume. It's really starting to affect her confidence and day to day life.

How would you tackle this? She is desperate to lose weight but is really struggling with healthy eating. She has quite a restrictive diet which makes it very hard to give her healthy balanced meals as she just won't eat most of it (there are lots of sensory issues with food, I suspect she is autistic and the school have suggested going via the GP to try to get a diagnosis). I desperately want to help her tackle this before it affects her even more.

It might be counterproductive to be agreeing that it’s unfair that her friends eat the same and aren’t overweight, because they probably don’t.

She sees them having chips or sausage rolls or whatever at school, but they probably aren’t having 3x a breakfast portion, and all the cakes and sweets she’s having.

If she thinks it’s pointless making changes because it’s just bad luck that she’s overweight, she won’t make changes.

I can see there’s lots of practical suggestions of managing weight but to take a slightly different perspective, can I suggest maybe some therapy/counselling?

Sounds like she is feeling unhappy with her appearance/weight and it’s affecting self esteem. Perhaps she’s developed some unhelpful coping strategies to manage emotions eg, overeating/comfort eating and therapy might help her to recognise unhelpful patterns in this regard and help develop other coping skills? X

A really interesting thing about nutrition on an individual basis, is understanding our own triggers/apetite.

When I am eating toast/cereal for breakfast, I’m starving an hour later. When I have Greek yoghurt and berries, I’m not.

Certain food is marketed and designed to be addictive, the Ultra processed foods particularly.

I think the cooking with her idea is great, it can really help with sensory issues around food.

I'd also suggest you develop a desire to get a bit fitter and suggest you join the gym (or whatever you both fancy) together. She is going to worry less about what she looks like exercising with her old mum (sorry OP)

As part of the cooking you can address portion control by example and the need to eat whole grain fibre and enough fruit and veg as you discuss what you want to buy.

Whatever she likes for treats, get into the habit of going out to have it once a week, and don't have sugary/salty snack food at home.

Encourage her to try different things.

She is due a growth spurt so none of it needs to be too heavy handed, but eating well is part of anyone's education and we shouldn't be afraid of teaching that. obviously if she is really using food to process emotion that can become more complex, but for now it doesn't seem necessarily the case.

You will need to tell her that making healthy choices is something she needs to do everyday & that if she wants to lose weight she’ll need to reducing down the junkfood she eats daily. I think 12 is a good age to talk about good vs poor food choices and to introduce the 50% of the plate = veg rule for meals.

Focus on reducing intake not cutting. So if she eats a whole pack of biscuits currently then tell her she could consider reducing it to 4. You should also role model what you preach.

Metabolism doesn't vary that much, unless they are 6 foot and super sporty - it's just that while they are eating junk, they aren't eating that much of it.

I think you have to be (gently) clear with her that eating healthily matters, but portion control is also key.

As part of that make sure she's getting enough protein and fibre because eg toast and jam or cereal for breakfast is just going to leave her looking for snickers bars at break.

Your ex husband is being a pain isn't he - have you tried going over and having a real heart to heart with him about your concerns about her, and the fact that while the junk he gives her may appear to make her happy she is becoming unhappy. Would the prospect of him being partly responsible cor her becoming an unhappy teen guilt him out of it?

Can you join a gym with her? Going 2-3 times a week would be good and if you can help her develop an interest in fitness it can motivate her to make healthier choices around food.

Maybe her her cooking healthy meals and prepping snacks together - talk about the food groups as you go.

My first thought based on what you have said is, is she ok? Does she need to see a therapist? I understand the problem now is the weight but your description of her emotional eating sounds like the food issues aren’t actually food rooted. Especially as she seems to be gorging with dad (missing you? Stability?)

I would stay away from calorie counting, I think you are right in your instincts with it. If there is an emotional problem underlying the eating, that emotional problem can very easily flip to restriction. I would help her design and cook meals she likes and find low calorie, high volume food that she likes and that don’t have to be portion controlled.

Get a puberty book. Talk about how her body will be weird for a while. Even the prettiest most svelte friends I had during puberty, have much nicer, more proportionate bodies now.

Find physical activity she enjoys and is genuinely fun. Rock climbing? Bouldering? Cross country? Spinning with headphones in? Diving? Try to encourage a sport for the joy of it rather than the exercise. I wish I had known physical activity could be fun younger!

Keep telling her she’s beautiful and handing out random compliments. Her brain is now full of negativity about her body. It needs to be counteracted.

Brilliant, that sounds great. And on the plus side food all separate on the plate is reasonably easy to cook so should be a quick win!

Do you have to drive her all the way to school? Could you drop her off/pick her up a bit further from school so she walks some of the way?

Agree with the suggestions to make her breakfast more sustaining. Get rid of sugary cereal or white bread toast etc. Go for eggs, or greek yoghurt and berries/nuts.

Definitely get her more involved in cooking meals, and help her to find more sensible snack options.

A couple of other ideas based on your later posts:

How much is she drinking? I’d try giving her a large glass of water before each meal, and every time she says she’s hungry. I wouldn’t make a thing of it, just put the water in her place, call her for dinner and then serve a minute or two later.

Has she got anything that she is desperate to buy? If dad is giving her pocket money and taking her to the supermarket I’d try and see if you can find something that she really really wants that she could save the money for instead. And if she comes home with loads of junk I’d ask her whether she’s sure she wants that and not the money for x and, if she says she’d rather have the money I’d give her the money in place of the biscuits and take them to the food bank.

She would need to loose around 17lbs. Rather than getting her to loose weight and making an issue, look to maintaining her weight. She’s going to grow more, so by maintaining she’ll most likely be the correct weight. Also concentrate on healthy choices and doing more exercise. 10,000 step is now seen as dated but 15 minutes cardio will help her immensely!

I would focus on changes rather than calories- ie. Let’s all drink 2 litres of water and ban all other drinks, or let’s eat 5 new veg this week and if she achieves all these things over say a fortnight do a treat that isn’t food related. Focus on positive changes not the bad foods where she will feel deprived.

Should add I was an overweight 12 yr old- I comfort ate after my mum died. It’s horrible to lose school years to being fat. I do think my dad also lost complete sight of what a normal child portion was and I was eating giant portions on top of crap.

Both my son and daughter and quite a few friends put on a bit of weight at this age ‘puppy fat’- it’s like they went out and then shot up…. But sounds like there are other issues going on also.

if there was emotional eating going on I wonder whether it would be helpful to find a counsellor/therapist who specialises in teen anxieties and separations?? Work through the split properly and build her self esteem.

her dad needs to be on the same page, and maybe find an activity you can do together- playing tennis, weekend walks etc??

my daughter is still a little overweight at 13 which I think is also my fault as she was diagnosed coeliac a couple of years ago and I have been overcompensating with the treats she is allowed to have to make up for those she isn’t… we know have cut this back, only healthy snacks and she most of the ‘treats’ are just that a treat at the weekend only. A lot of her eating is boredom and gives her a lift after struggling at school all day… Of course she might buy stuff at school but the I think it will even out being better at home??

deal with the root cause....her trauma!

I wouldn’t encourage any weight loss but aim to reduce any further gain iyswim, she will then even out when she grows.

Encourage activity and encourage a balanced diet.

I would get her into the habit of having a glass of water as soon as she wakes up and then an omelette for breakfast. Also, snacking on apples - sweet but great for satiety. Cut them up if it makes them more appetising for her.

In terms of exercise, I'd aim for at least an hour of walking everyday, ideally 90 minutes, spread over the week if necessary. Drop her 20 minutes walk away from school each morning, and 20 minutes away from home on the way home. Go out for 20 minute walk each evening before bed to see the Christmas lights locally. On weekends, plan a long walk (1+ hour) to somewhere you both want to visit and walk there and back. The weight will drop off and she'll feel happier and more grounded and have less time to snack.

Could you do a sport together? Park run, horse riding, gym? Some areas have a health family team for kids ask your gp surgery or school nurse. I wonder if it’s related to her self esteem would she see a school counsellor?

she doesn’t need to lose weight she needs to grow into her weight. Dieticians rarely suggest losing weight in kids that age but instead trying to maintain that weight as she gets taller. Instead of confirming her need to lose weight explain that you want to try to maintain her current weight and let her grow up until her height is right for it.

don’t start her on dieting and needing to lose weight.

This and to try and get her to plan what she is eating and stick to it. Rather than wing it in the canteen.

Can you talk to her Dad again? Or ask her to speak to him? As any efforts she makes would be undermined if he carries on like that.

If you suspect she may be autistic and the school have concerns too you need to start pushing on assessment for that now, things could become progressively worse in that aspect as a teenager which will only exacerbate the issues around food and wright

I don’t know why you can’t have a honest conversation with her . That doesn’t mean calling her fat or the like but it does mean having a conversation about how it’s unhealthy and you have noticed it’s impacting her swimming and dancing. I’m very honest with my children but I have been like that forever. So if they are eating too much/ not exercising they get told they need to rein it in and if it continues i tell them the potential consequences I’m that they may experience if they continue. I do this with everything but appreciate if you have had a diff approach this may be somewhat of a shock to your dd.

Has she always been very short? That looks like she’s following the 9th centile. My 9 year old is at least 5cm taller (but is more like 95th centile and always has been). If she is naturally petite and has always followed that line she may always be quite small and need less intake than friends much taller. However, if that isn’t normal for her I’dbe expecting a massive spurt.