Transition to 50/50 custody

[10Roastpotatoes]

My ex and I separated around 18 months ago (my choice, our communication had been bad for such a long time and for me it just wasn't salveagable). We are currently still living together for practical reasons - I had agreed to support him through a career change and he was unable to get a new mortgage during that time. In hindsight this was a mistake as a an earlier move would have been cleaner for us all.

We have a 5 year old child and intend to split custody 50/50 on a 5-2-2-5 basis.
The split has been relatively amicable, although it all blew up a few months ago when he found out that I had been seeing someone (casually, which is why I didn't tell him about it and it started way after we'd agreed to split). It transpired after this that he hadn't really processed the split and has not been in a good way. We have had many intense conversations since then and I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings, but am finding it very draining to go over and over the same stuff and I'm at the point now where I really need some space from him. Hopefully we'll be moving into separate homes within a couple of months.

Both of us want what's best for our child, but we have slightly different views on this so I'm seeking advice here. 5 days is a long time not to see dc at this age, so we'd talked about spending time together on our off time. E.g. If dad takes him to the park on his weekend, I come along etc. I am fully supportive of this. My ex also wants us to have regular dinners and he thinks we should be at each other's homes some evenings to say goodnight (slowly phasing this out), but will this just confuse dc further and would a phone call be better? I would prefer to not spend too much time in each others' homes, but I want to balance meeting my dc's emotional needs with helping them transition to the new normal. With how I feel at the moment about my ex and needing space, I want to make sure that this isn't impacting what is best for dc.

It would be really helpful to hear some views from people who have also had to navigate this. Thanks

It all sounds very confusing for the child.

Too confusing for the child - but I personally dont agree in 50/50 splits - I think they should have one primary main home until they are old enough to decide for themselves - constantly blurring the line of each others homes and custody won’t be good for either of you either

I think it sounds awful. I agree that one main home and primary caregiver ould be less unsettling for your child.

I wouldn’t do the joint park trips etc (except for perhaps joint time on child’s birthday, Christmas, a special theme park trip etc) and I would try and avoid being in and out of each others houses too much. In particular in things like doing bedtime in the other house is likely to create more problems than it solves.

If you are worried that 5 days is too long, I would probably put a day and time for a video call in the middle of the 5 days. And then really treat that like contact, sticking to it and prioritising it.

I am not anti 5050 if both parents are truly equally hands on and competent proactive parents who can also communicate well. I would suggest trialing it now so one parent is 100% in charge of pick up, dinner, bath etc on their nights while the other can go out to gym shops etc. this would prove that you’re both reliable and get your child used to the weekly schedule before he moves out.

I would be reluctant to have any agreement when you’re in each others homes as from a child’s perspective they’ll wonder why on earth have you moved out and can still do family things together. I wouldn’t have ‘family time’ so regularly either unless you’re planning to bring new partners along too when they arrive?! Doubt that would work. Best to have once a month absolutely MAX something in a neutral setting eg park or hosting a bday party or taking child to a school event etc, when you both do the parenting at same time.

also if he’s in your home he will be spying for signs of a new bf which will stress you all out whether there is one or not you’ll feel guilty even though you shouldn’t.

however, do and say whatever you need to to get him to move out.!

I agree. Or the other parent does school pick up and teatime only (then returns to resident parent) in the middle of the 5 day stretch

DH really wants 50/50?

Sounds unlikely... He can get kid to school, pick up, sort dinner, clubs, playdates etc? Will liaise with you about making dentist appointments etc

What your ex wants is for you not to move on before he does.

No family days out, no dinners and no in and out of each others homes. It won't last, especially when he gets a girlfriend.

Let's not make aspersions about men simply because they are men.

I think it will be better to do one week each, a full week, with calls from the other parent in the week. No meals together etc except birthdays and Xmas.

I have watched all this with DH and his ex and SDC. All being together is just confusing, children actually deal fine with splits being with different parents on set days. It’s when you muddy the waters they get confused. And having dinner together sometimes makes the kids think their parents might get back together, if they are still young

Doesn't mean it's not true.

Stalls moving out, still expects varying amounts of support, wants to make sure days off are occupied and kicks off when a sniff in another blokes direction happens.

It's 1+1 stuff and has played out a million times.

Kindly don't tell me how to post thanks.

This sounds like a bad idea to me OP. I would avoid meeting up in the park, dinners together or meeting up at each other's houses. If 5 days is too long then you could have one night in the middle of the 5, but that needs to be a regular arrangement and spent separately.

It sounds to me like he's still in denial about your separation and is using the "what's best for your DC" line to stay close to you.

Thanks for the responses. To be clear, my ex is a good person and a good father (fully aware that this is not everyone's experience). He has as much right to custody as I do so anything other than 50/50 is not an option (and whilst not ideal I'm confident that this can work well if it all remains amicable). It's difficult at the moment because he's hurting, but I'm doing my best to set boundaries.

The key thing is how we navigate this split in the healthiest way for our child. We're going to try and speak to a counsellor to talk some of this through but I'm interested in how others have managed it.

Thanks, this is exactly my concern. I don't want to confuse them. But my ex thinks this is too much logical thinking and that we won't meet dc's emotional needs

He's a good person? Doesn't sound like he's a good person wanting what he wants above the needs of you and his kids...

Sorry it sounds a bit like he's suggesting these joint times with your dc because he doesn't want to let go; and doesn't want you to have free time to pursue other relationships.

Okay you can come across how you want to. I just would want to be listened to rather than dismissed as some manhater who doesn't know what it is like to interact with a decent man.

It's likely that he us just reeling that his long term relationship had broken down and his ex is already seeing other people. Lots of women would feel the same, too. It's quite common when a partner is left that they try and convince the other person life will be so much worse/harder without our relationship so you should just put up with it.

I have lots of female friends who have done the same. They won't do a thing to facilitate contact between their ex and their kids because they feel hurt and abandoned by him. In some cases, they will make contact harder than it has to be. It's wrong but humans be human.

How do you think most women would react to being dumped and then their ex moving on to other relationships quite quickly? How would you react?

Shall we look at some threads where the woman has been left and see what people say about the man and what the woman should do?

I think it would be better to have a school pick up and dinner at parent 1’s house mid way through the five day stretch for parent 2.

But honestly this sounds like such a huge mental load. Would it not be better to do Sunday to Wednesday drop off with one parent and Wednesday pick up to Saturday with the other? At least your child would have some sort of predictable pattern.

Dunno, it sounds as if the OP is sick of listening to his feelings. It's right there in the first post.

@Squishedpassenger he's entitled to be pissed of and rant on the internet to his friends. Posters are saying spending time together is a bad idea and don't do it. Show me the thread where a man moves on quickly and someone recommends a family trip to the park or spending time together in each others house. It's not man hating to say this man is wrong in what he's suggesting.

That's a callous take when you've just left your long term partner and co-parent. I certainly wouldnt admire any man who said that about his recent ex and co-parent. I'd see him as a bit of a cunt to be honest.

I agree the shared time is a bad idea. I just don't think he's awful or even unusual for suggesting it. I think he's human.

I'm at a similar point to you.
Told STBxH i wanted divorce in February, things rumbled on, applied for divorce in July, put offer in on house in August, still waiting to move in. DD is 7, we will also be doing 5,2,2,5.

We intend to do shared family time, but Christmas, birthday, theme park, short holiday.

My friend had a very amicable co parenting relationship with her ex where he dropped in and out of the house, but her home was very much the kids primary residence, so a very different scenario.

5 night seems a long time, but when I've taken DD away for 4 or 5 nights to stay with family, she has been totally unfazed, equally i work in a job where many staff do 4 or sometimes 5 twelve+ hour shifts in a row, and have young children, and they are all fine. So you need to think about how much this is yours and your ex's anxieties about how you will feel.

Also, with regards to your new relationship, I've avoided this, i figured it would just make things harder and more confrontational for everyone. You chose to do it differently, and you've done nothing wrong, but you can't expect it not to be awkward.