Transition to 50/50 custody

[10Roastpotatoes]

My ex and I separated around 18 months ago (my choice, our communication had been bad for such a long time and for me it just wasn't salveagable). We are currently still living together for practical reasons - I had agreed to support him through a career change and he was unable to get a new mortgage during that time. In hindsight this was a mistake as a an earlier move would have been cleaner for us all.

We have a 5 year old child and intend to split custody 50/50 on a 5-2-2-5 basis.
The split has been relatively amicable, although it all blew up a few months ago when he found out that I had been seeing someone (casually, which is why I didn't tell him about it and it started way after we'd agreed to split). It transpired after this that he hadn't really processed the split and has not been in a good way. We have had many intense conversations since then and I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings, but am finding it very draining to go over and over the same stuff and I'm at the point now where I really need some space from him. Hopefully we'll be moving into separate homes within a couple of months.

Both of us want what's best for our child, but we have slightly different views on this so I'm seeking advice here. 5 days is a long time not to see dc at this age, so we'd talked about spending time together on our off time. E.g. If dad takes him to the park on his weekend, I come along etc. I am fully supportive of this. My ex also wants us to have regular dinners and he thinks we should be at each other's homes some evenings to say goodnight (slowly phasing this out), but will this just confuse dc further and would a phone call be better? I would prefer to not spend too much time in each others' homes, but I want to balance meeting my dc's emotional needs with helping them transition to the new normal. With how I feel at the moment about my ex and needing space, I want to make sure that this isn't impacting what is best for dc.

It would be really helpful to hear some views from people who have also had to navigate this. Thanks

If he was a good person he would have accepted the split and moved out pretty quickly.... Not force you into a fucked up situation where hes trying to control you

Really? Just moved anywhere the moment the OP.dropped the bombshell..shuffled off and got out of her way so she could meet other men?

Would you expect a wife to do the same? Or just him because he is a man and therefore should know that he is disposable? Can you elaborate?

Why are you focusing on meeting other men. Who hurt you?

That's just one part of it. I just know that nobody here would suggest a woman just roll over, move out and accept whatever co-parenting arrangement her ex suggested after he dumped her and moved on to other relationships. I don't get why you basically don't see this guy as a rounded human with feelings, needs and thoughts of his own. It's pretty horrific actually.

You realise most women work as well now, so 50/50 is often not just the fairest solution but the only one.

But his feelings are not what drives sorting custody of children.

Why is it 5,2,2,5? Why not 5,5 with a dinner break or pick up during the week?

I am anti 50/50 custody. I feel a child needs one home, one base where they feel they belong. Then the second home is somewhere they go, feel safe and loved.
Would you have wanted two home, two sets of everything? Try and find a compromise that’s best for the child.

No, but understanding how he feels can certainly make the interactions about custody less fraught and more productive. People seem to be able to extend that compassion to women very well. So much so that they think the courts are harsh when they fail to acknowledge the mother's feelings and award custody based on the law.

Seems to be pretty much all you're focusing on here. Him and his feelings. Nothing at all about the bairns needs.

If I really focused on the kid's needs, I'd likely advise his mother to out her issues aside and make a life with his dad.

It's a commonly used 50/50 split which facilitates alternate weekends without going full week on week off.

Are you the husband? That's a strange thing to say.

Staying together for the kids is always a terrible idea. When a relationship has broken down, it's gone. There's no getting it back.

That's only the case if you can't put your issues aside. If you can make do with what you have and be happy with it, then there isnt a reason to believe the children will suffer in a toxic environment.

I've been doing 50/50 access since my daughter was 9, she is 16 now. My advice would be to do week with one and week with other. That way they can properly settle into each house and feel at home.

One of the absolute main things is the relationship you have with their dad. They need to see you working together, in all aspects and always show a good level of respect for each other (even if the reality is that you want to strangle him at times 😂).

We are at the point now where my daughter just makes the decisions on where she wants to be. Easy as we live near each other. 50/50 can definitely work but it really needs to be under the right circumstances. Not sure I can see the 225 working tbh. Or at least not for the kids.

I'm not in this position but if you have two parents that are living in separated homes, surely having one nip over several times per week to 'say goodnight' to the children and having regular time together as a 'family unit', is just going to confuse the child?? All a child will want is their parents back together, especially when they're young and don't understand adult relationships. It gives them false hope, and makes it harder for them to accept the reality. Both adults need to be able to move on in their lives, and that can't happen if you're nipping over to each others house and having 'family time'. There has to be clear boundaries. You've instigated the split, and your husband is clearly struggling with that, especially as you're still sharing a home. My honest opinion is that he's dressed these ideas up as being for 'your child', but in reality it's for him. He can't let you go, and is clinging onto anything, so he can still see and spend time with you. He may be hoping, if you spend time together, but have space away from each other too, that you'll fall back in love with him. You need to move out, or he does, it's that simple.

Odd how you're all about the OP putting her issues to one side and totally indulging the husband's feelings though.

Yeah I don't think I am tbh.

What about a 15 min video call at child’s bedtime on Friday evenings for the Mon + Tues parent and Sunday evenings for the Wed and Thurs parent. So midway through the 5 day section each time. Follow a super predictable pattern - how was school/how was your weekend. What are you doing tomorrow? Let’s read X book together and Love you lots goodnight, see you on Monday/Wednesday. You could buy two copies of a bedtime stories book - Usborne 5 minute bedtime stories for 5 year olds type thing. So kid can follow along from their end looking at the illustrations or helping read later on. It’s important that it’s predictable so that it becomes a comforting part of the routine and not a further source of stress.

But yeah, maybe some meeting together for Kid’s birthday or ballet recitals or whatever could work on but I don’t think dropping round each other’s houses regularly would help either the adults or child in this situation.

I do think it is good for children to experience parents coming together, perhaps not every week but dad popping over for dinner or meeting him at the park shows the child that you are both putting their needs central. Keeping communication open, swooping days to support the other parents life and sharing key days or forgoing without fighting will be better in the long run for all. In years to come you will have a well adjusted child and sitting in the same room at birthdays, graduation, wedding etc isn’t as awkward either. Kids are a lot more flexible than their parents in my experience! Don’t feel you need a strict routine for shared parenting activities, but ad hoc things like inviting your ex for a meal when they are picking up dc is demonstrating proper grown up behaviour to your child

You know when a woman ends a relationship then there's a real reason for it? It's not just done on a whim.

I think when anyone ends a relationship, there is a real reason for it.

I think it’s easier logistically for the children to spend set days with each parent and maybe taking alternate weekends if that works for the individuals concerned. So then you both know you have for example Mon& Tuesday every week when you are responsible for DC and arrange your work accordingly, and the Weds & Thursday you don’t have childcare responsibilities so can make up working hours, do a regular hobby etc. It means the DC know that on Monday dad will collect them and take them to swimming, Mum will take them to cubs on Wednesday and they can have a friend over on Thursday etc. I think changing the days on which you have the DC every week makes childcare difficult and is hard for the kids too, it’s very unstable for them.

I would reframe my thinking here from what you and your ex have a 'right' to and what your child needs.

Would you like to have to keep moving every 5th or 2nd day, back and forward, packing your stuff up all the time, never settling in one home?

It's not about you each having a 'right' to spend 50% of the time with your child. He's not a car or a games console you bought together that needs to be shared.

Think what's best for you child in terms of stability and go from there with the custody arrangements.