Transition to 50/50 custody

[10Roastpotatoes]

My ex and I separated around 18 months ago (my choice, our communication had been bad for such a long time and for me it just wasn't salveagable). We are currently still living together for practical reasons - I had agreed to support him through a career change and he was unable to get a new mortgage during that time. In hindsight this was a mistake as a an earlier move would have been cleaner for us all.

We have a 5 year old child and intend to split custody 50/50 on a 5-2-2-5 basis.
The split has been relatively amicable, although it all blew up a few months ago when he found out that I had been seeing someone (casually, which is why I didn't tell him about it and it started way after we'd agreed to split). It transpired after this that he hadn't really processed the split and has not been in a good way. We have had many intense conversations since then and I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings, but am finding it very draining to go over and over the same stuff and I'm at the point now where I really need some space from him. Hopefully we'll be moving into separate homes within a couple of months.

Both of us want what's best for our child, but we have slightly different views on this so I'm seeking advice here. 5 days is a long time not to see dc at this age, so we'd talked about spending time together on our off time. E.g. If dad takes him to the park on his weekend, I come along etc. I am fully supportive of this. My ex also wants us to have regular dinners and he thinks we should be at each other's homes some evenings to say goodnight (slowly phasing this out), but will this just confuse dc further and would a phone call be better? I would prefer to not spend too much time in each others' homes, but I want to balance meeting my dc's emotional needs with helping them transition to the new normal. With how I feel at the moment about my ex and needing space, I want to make sure that this isn't impacting what is best for dc.

It would be really helpful to hear some views from people who have also had to navigate this. Thanks

I always wonder how rich people who choose to own second homes cope with this, surely like everything it is how it is framed and handled, if as parents you make it logistically harder than it needs to be and speak negatively about it, then it will be tough on them.

I think people with second homes generally use them as holidays homes or weekend homes, so there is a more predictable structure there. I don't know anyone who willingly moves back and forward between two homes every 2nd/5th day.

Ime the kids very rarely like being away every weekend (or even every school holiday) once they got old enough to have a seperate social life/want to take part in sports teams etc. so even in the second home/weekend home arena it rarely works for kids beyond about 10/11.

A more occasional second home for holidays is widely enjoyed ime, but that's not really any different to just going on holiday and very different from moving every 2nd/5th day because someone else thinks they have a 'right' to your company rather than a responsibility to do what is best for you. I totally agree that it is the parents role to make things as logistically easy for the child as possible.

You’re giving your DD conflicting messages here.
FWIW, my DD was 6 when we split up. Right from the start we did 50/50 a week each, so 7 days / 7 days. She wasn’t bothered at all as she still went to the same schools, saw both sets of grandparents weekly, continued with swimming lessons and Brownies etc. It very quickly became the new normal. It was much harder on me at first because I missed her terribly! But that was about me, not about her.

For my children they wouldn't have coped with joint stuff without hoping we'd reunite.
3-4-4-3 is better in my opinion as there is no 5 days to get through.
Try to be really separate from the start, I found being clearly boundaried helped my dh.

Don't do things together, it will become excruciating very quickly and confusing for your DC. I would go for a 4-3-3-4 split rather than 5/2.

But most families doing 50/50 live in the same area.
So it is the logistics and physical possessions rather than the social life, that is the issue. Logistics and possession are manageable factors, if the parents behave like grown ups.

We have incredibly similar circumstances, stayed living together for 18 months after split (without telling the children) due to my career change, and on hindsight regret it immensely!

Mine are 6 and 3, and we do 5/2/2/5. We both worried 5 days may be too long, but they got used to it pretty quickly actually, and I often found that they did better on the longer stint as they had more time to adapt.

Please don't muddy the waters with doing too much together. We are, on the surface of it, amicable, and will do things together, but I am mindful of it not crossing into confusing, and you also need to think about what is sustainable down the line should one or both of you enter into a serious relationship, you don't want to be in a position where you've committed to spending 4 nights a week with your ex husband and then having to tell your new partner he has to leave the house because ex won't tolerate it, or never being able to spend time with new partner because ex won't allow him in the house but you've already signed up to 15 years of Christmases together, for example. It's easy for DH to want all these things when he hasn't got anyone/thing in the picture to jeopardise it, but as and when he does and things have to change it'll be very confusing to the kids to understand why it all stopped. don't agree to anything you don't think you could tolerate regardless of who/what came along (eg a few hours together during a handover period at Xmas is one thing, spending 3 days together for Xmas eve/day/boxing day is another if there's other partners/families to consider!

It's tough in the short term, because you obviously want to be included/part of as much as possible (and vice versa), but it won't help the children. Since the split 6 months ago, we went to fireworks together, trick or treating, one dinner out as we'd both attended the same appt for DS as wanted to give our input, and then we have agreed to continue our day out to a local Xmas tradition each year as neither of us wanted to give it up, and it's easier with 2 adults tbh!

The benefit to 5/2/2/5 is (imo) that the weekdays are fixed so it makes for easier planning, and indeed our 6 year old has identified quickly which days are where, and therefore who she'll be with, if she didn't know whether her dad was going to rock up to do bedtime, for example,it would undermine that, and lead to pushback on the times he wasn't as she wouldn't understand why sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn't. I feel like it gives you the worst of both worlds as well, not with your kids full time, but still not able to make plans for your free time, and still having to consider someone else on your parenting time!

I think it's far more than physical possessions tbh, constantly shuffling between two homes. It's the sense of living out of a suitcase. This is before you add in step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings. The child shifting constantly between two stable families, always being a visitor. I think there are very few adults who would choose this for themselves. In fact, they could. They could shuffle in and out and leave the child in the family home. That's probably the best outcome for the child. Not many parents willing to do that though.

Respectfully, if you've never lived it, you can't know how it feels for the kids. Neither me nor ex-h live in a property that would facilitate or allow the other swapping into it so that's not an option (we'd have done it if we could). Nobody is living our a suitcase, they have everything they need in both homes, as it was important to us that they weren't packing bags all the time. They have 2 sets uniform etc, school bag obviously comes home with whomever is taking them back to school next so that's not an issue. Occasionally with school routines things end up in the wrong place and we just chuck a pair of school shoes/something specific in a carrier bag and pop it into the other when we're passing eg if she's come home to one home in school shoes but gone back in pe trainers so one home has ended up with all the school shoes. It's a complete non issue and neither child feels like they don't have what they need. We keep track of what has swapped house and it'll make it's way back eventually but we're not militant and if one wants to take something specific to the other home they can as it's their possessions.

The feeling of being a visitor is fostered or squashed by the way the resident parent treats them, not the feeling of moving IMO, even if they had one 'main' home and one they visited, there will still be things going on when they aren't there that could cause feelings of being left out/excluded that would need to be managed regardless of whether it's 50:50 or not.

But the benefit of this is they know instantly where they are on any given day. They never have to ask "whose day is this club/party/play date/assembly/cake sale/event on" because they know where they will be by the calendar. It fosters far more stability than 3/4/4/3, for example, where days change weekly. If it's a Monday, I know I'm with x, is a helpful thing for the kids, IME.

Me and ex-H both want to prioritise the kids and their stability, and if we had owned/rented a home that allowed us to swap in and out, we would have, but we can't and this is the next best thing I think.

Thanks, this is really helpful. We decided on 5-2-2-5 for the reason that we'll have the same days each week, but alternate weekends. I expect as dc gets older it'll move to a week each, but that feels too long at this age.
You've highlighted exactly what my concerns are with the idea of doing lots of stuff together, but I wanted to check that I wasn't taking this stance because the relationship with my ex has been strained. Maybe if we can talk to someone independent who has the same view then he'll accept it more than if I say it. And it's a good point about new partners. I wouldn't introduce someone to my dc for a long time and have no interest in creating a blended family, but setting boundaries early on will help if/when either of us does meet someone

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I agree that if it was him who wanted to split up and then I found out he'd been seeing someone then I'd be upset, so I am trying to tread carefully. He had decided that he wouldn't do anything with someone else while we were living together and assumed I wouldn't either, but we never had that conversation.
Clearly shuttling a child back and forth is not ideal and we did consider nesting (us moving in and out) but it would be impossible to move on in this situation. Ultimately we both want the best for our dc and I don't think he's trying to control me, but it probably has more to do with his feelings than he would admit. Making a new life for yourself post 40 is hard and takes effort and we will both have a lot of time on our hands. The difference is that I chose this whereas he had the decision made for him so inevitably it will be harder for him to process

I agree having set days is better than constant change. At the end of the day we're all just doing our best. But I think we all know really that constant changing and swapping between two homes isn't ideal. It's maybe the best we can do given the circumstances though.

As long as you're working from what is best for the children and not what is best for the parents then you're doing ok. It should always be about your responsibility to them and not your 'rights' as a parent to have 50/50 access. I think that's where some people go wrong, the over focus on what is 'fair' for each parent.

As a child of parents who split when I was 6 and did split custody don’t blur any lines. Keep to the agreed schedule. The family dinners, turning up at parks etc just confuses the kid. If there are clear lines of time with dad and time with mum it’s much easier.

I think playing happy families will drag this out, for DS and exP. I think if 5 days is too long apart maybe do 3 - 4 - 4 - 3?

But I dont think you should do play dates dinner or bedtimes together. DS is little enough to adapt make it as clear and simple from the get go