Pushing children who are not ready -walking to school independently

[xmasone]

Just saw an eight year old walk to school by himself (imagine not all the way) and he looked scared of his own shadow, tbh… He was a bit late so not many other people at the gate/ school playground left. It’s the type of school where there’s often no staff out and about greeting children in the morning any more except at the classroom door. The weather was awful.

I have seen other kids at this age and even younger walk through the gate by themselves and they looked absolutely fine - more at home and confident than me! However, I couldn’t think this child is not ready. His posture was scared - rounded shoulders, head down, hunched back… I just thought this child has proper high cortisol levels already and his day has barely started!

Wondering how other parents see this. In your opinion, is this helping a timid child be independent or teaching him he is on his own and has no choice…?
Surely there’s a middle ground of the disapproved ‘helicopter parenting’ and pushing your child to independence in a way that clearly intimidates them.

Which child is going to be more relaxed in the classroom and kinder to others at lunch break - the one who had a carefree chat with parent before drop off, or the one who had to ‘be brave’ alone?

Maybe he just hates school and cold Monday mornings 🤔

Doesn’t that mean he needs his parent with him even more?

Maybe his parents have already left because they have to work?

Maybe he needs to learn that he can overcome anxiety, and that he's strong enough to do it on his own?

Yeah, no. I’m sure that’s not the case without giving any more details.

8 seems very young to be walking to school by himself, I hope the school are aware.

Not necessarily.
Seriously....you have no idea what this kids situation is. Unless you think there's abuse (then you go to the safeguarding lead at the school) then mind your own beeswax.

Some children need a little push to realise they are capable, others need more scaffolding to get them ready and a slower build up, and you can't tell the difference between these from a glimpse.

Its not ideal for a child to walk alone if they aren't fully comfortable with it of course, but sometimes there are no other options without a parent losing their job, which is even less ideal.

Maybe he's been begging to be allowed to walk to school alone (as many kids do at some point), so his parent let him, and he found out it wasn't so great after all?!

Maybe he was just miserable because of the weather?

I dont think you can accurately judge from n=1 occurrence, but if you're genuinely concerned then contact the school.

But do we learn to overcome anxiety when left alone as a child or does the anxiety just increase?

They all need to learn, of course, but co-regulation (grown-up’s calm presence) is how we teach them, right?

Just because you think he looked scared because he was walking to school by himself doesn’t mean he was. You have no idea what is going on in his life.

We learn to overcome anxiety by doing the things that make us anxious, like walking to school alone, not by avoiding them.
This is basic stuff so if you hadn't heard it before, now you know.

Most kids would probably be miserable walking to school on a wet, cold Monday morning, especially knowing they are late!

Sometimes kids do need a push to do things they are capable of.

I'd spend more time worrying about your own family and less time judging others.

I wanted to chat to other parents about this in general.

I mean yes nobody could disagree that best practice parenting includes co-regulating and support rather than pushing children through high cortisol.

The difficulty is that independence also requires a bit of friction and things that feel at the time like suffering.

As a society, advances in the science of psychology have given us loads more on the importance of the first one and lots of us are well across it now. Lots of other people haven't even really heard about it, so are still with an old model of "tough it out".

However - we are getting rather unbalanced because actually children are now very anxious and so are parents and there's a missing piece we have not nailed in the jigsaw of how to create happy self-sufficient adults.

I think we need to work out how to do low-cortisol, support, but also add a bit of friction so people can find a vocabulary and discipline of doing hard things- that's not the same as not caring or leaving kids to sink or telling them to suck up trauma.

I don't have the answer but I do think there needs to be a solution as we arent getting it right at the moment.

I think you've seen a tiny snapshot of a child's life and it's not really your business to come to conclusions from that, unless there is some massive dripfeed you are hiding.

Personally yes, I do think sometimes children need a push to be independent.

8 is young, but I am thinking of my SS who, has only just agreed to have a front door key to his house because he doesn't like being home alone and always wants someone there to let him in - he is 16! Similarly, he was always reluctant to walk to the school bus stop alone and very definitely needed a push.

Obviously this is an extreme case but I do think children benefit from being nudged along once they get to an age where certain things should be possible but aren't because of their own reluctance.

Thank you!

I’m reading ‘Why Love Matters, How affection shapes a baby’s brain’ by Sue Gerhardt at the moment and it makes it clear how hugely a child’s emotional and physical development is effected by the parental relationship - especially stress and development of the nervous system.

With the huge rise of depression and anxiety among young people and given what a short timeframe parents have within childhood, you would hope most parents opt for co-regulation and support rather than the ‘toughen up’ parenting style.
But balance is hard, with anything.

None of your business, IMO.

You're massively projecting. You have absolutely no idea whether this child was nervous or stressed; you've just decided he was from looking at him for 30 seconds. You don't know if he's 'ready' to walk to school independently and it isn't your business.

I agree with you OP. A loving parent by your side is the best way to start your day. Of course it is.

Yes we do.

I used to be an anxious public speaker. So I signed up for as many public speaking engagements as I could, bombed a few of them, got better and now I can do it without any emotional response at all.

I didn’t need parents/colleagues/friends/family/mechanisms to help be overcome this. I just did it and physiologically learned that public speaking did not require a physical anxiety response as it was actually a relatively safe environment.

Kids will learn to overcome anxiety in a similar way - do something scary, realise you can do it and it’s not actually scary, do it the next time when more confidence etc etc.

But those mental health issues have been rising since we moved away from a “toughen up” parenting style. How do you know the two aren’t linked.

@CryMyEyesViolet
Thats a good question. Imo, it comes to the fact we are living in very different times where sadly the community/ village is not there. I walked to school by myself WITH MY FRIENDS. All the grown ups in the street knew me and talked to me, etc.
The children who were truly left to ‘tough it out’ ALONE would still have ended up with some negative consequences (mental or physical), imo.

What do you think?

Do you know the child's name?
Say "Good Morning Johnny" to him if you think he needs a perk up.